Back To School In Five Easy Steps...

The waterparks have been visited. Sparklers lit. Vacation trips taken. Video games played. It’s that time, folks; time to get kids ready to go back to school. It’s a rite of passage for parents as much as kids, but we here at Totally The Bomb want to make the transition as easy for you as possible. That’s why we’ve complied a list of Five Easy Steps To Get Kids Ready To Go Back To School. You’re welcome.

Back To School In Five Easy Steps…

Schedule hair cuts
1. Argue over summer hair vs school hair
  1. Show them on the school’s page why purple hair isn’t allowed
2. Pick reasonable cut
3. No, you don’t look like a dork
4. If they call you that, they aren’t your friends
  1. I do too know what I’m talking about
5. Remind kids that you are the keeper of all electronic devices
6. Drive home in silence after hair cuts and plan which bottle of wine to down once the kids are tucked into their beds
Buy new clothes
1. Fight mall traffic
2. Limit the budget
  1. I swear I’m not trying to ruin your life
  2. No, I’m not
  3. NO, I’m not
3. One more outfit over budget isn’t worth fighting over
4. Remove all tags and wash all new clothes when you get home
5. Fashion show for family that night
6. Read the letter that came in the mail while you were shopping that states the school has switched over to uniforms this year and they’ll all need to be purchased at a specific store that you’ve never heard of before and kids will not be allowed to wear clothes outside of uniforms
7. Tuck the kids into bed and drink another entire bottle of wine
Pick out a first day outfit
1. Yes, you have to wear the uniform
2. How will you look like a dork when everyone is dressing exactly the same way?
3. Don’t believe everything your friend Sophia said, Sophia is a little liar
  1. Call Sophia’s mom and explain that you didn’t really mean she’s a liar and that your child shouldn’t have been texting with Sophia after lights out anyway
  2. Drink a bottle of wine and wonder if you might have a problem
  3. Drink a second bottle of wine and assure yourself you don’t
  4. Strategically plan out ways to not have to see that liar Sophia or her mom again for the next nine or so months
Empty last year’s backpack
1. Uncrumple a reading list that should have been completed over the summer
2. Detect the smell of something that died a horrible death
3. Find an orange and a pair of gym socks that have been in there since summer started
4. Gag, but make it all the way to the garbage without throwing up
5. Plan to buy a new backpack
  1. No, you can’t use the one you had last year
  2. I don’t care if it was your favorite
  3. Why don’t you want a new backpack?
6. Scrub old backpack out, gag some more, run it through the washing machine where it unravels and breaks the machine
7. Call the washing machine repair person
8. Pay $524 dollars to fix the damn washing machine
9. Go buy a new effing backpack
10. Drink more wine. Lots and lots more wine
Buy supplies
1. Get home and stock all supplies into new backpack
2. Open letter from school stating the original list was actually last years list and you need all new supplies
3. Your local store is out of three of the required items
4. Call around to every store that might carry said items
5. Drive fifty miles to a small convenience store in a sketchy part of a town two counties away and purchase the supplies you need
6. Get home and find new letter stating that teachers will send students home with new supply list on first day of school
7. Have a mental breakdown
8. Run away from home and join a commune three states over where everyone is required to shave their heads and no one talks about backpacks or uniforms or school supplies
9. Realize this was all a fantasy…a beautiful, beautiful fantasy
10. Take a deep breath, it’s going to be a very long year
11. Drink more wine