Regardless of your kid’s age, working in sexy time with your spouse is hard (ba-dum-bum). Juggling work, sports schedules, piano lessons, parent-teacher conferences, dog walking, dinner making, and laundry doing can suck the libido right out of you if you let it. But when the stars align and Daddy has done the dishes, the last thing you want is to discover too late that you forgot to lock the bedroom door.
Kids are perceptive. They smell BS the way a dog smells fear. That’s why you’ll need a poker face and a believable demeanor. Have these 10 reasons handy, to explain what really goes bump, bump, bump in the night.
Coitus Interruptus: What To Say To Your Child In That Awkward Moment
1). The truth.
Depending on your child’s age and maturity level, the truth could be your best and most appropriate option. It might be hella uncomfortable for you (and a conversation you’d hoped to have in another couple of years), but it’s important for kids to know that parents need their alone time and sex isn’t shameful.
If your stealthy little five year old manages to get into your room undetected, then demands to know why is Daddy hurting you, you’ll need to think faster on your feet and be prepared with a few little white lies.
2). Mom and Dad are playing cops and robbers.
That’s why Daddy’s handcuffed to the bed post. Guess he shouldn’t have resisted arrest.
3). Mommy is getting a spine adjustment.
Lugging around kids and all their gear can become taxing on the strongest of backs. That’s why my kids are no stranger to the chiropractor’s waiting room. If your five year old walks in and you’re twisted like a tuba, a chiropractic adjustment is a quick and believable lie.
Naked yoga anyone?
A regular old John Cena smackdown!
6). Practicing for our Dancing with the Stars audition.
7). Mommy was choking so Daddy is giving her the heimlich.
Remember the Sesame Street episode? Like that, but not really.
8). Moving furniture.
That noise you heard…the headboard hitting the wall. Yeah, nothing to see here.
9). Playing horsie.
10). Tickle game.
Just hope your munchkin doesn’t demand to play too!
Despite closed doors and your most diligent efforts, some kids are going to break boundaries and interrupt those private moments. Though it might be uncomfortable (for you) in the moment, it’s usually not traumatic for your child and quickly forgotten after a simple explanation. So invest in a sturdier lock if you must and bring your freak flag out for a twirl. Mortification over coitus interruptus won’t last forever.