Do Not Let Your Kids Watch 13 REASONS WHY
13 Reasons Why is a show on Netflix based on the Best Selling Young Adult Novel by Jay Asher. The book takes place just after a teenage girl kills herself and she has left a series of 13 tapes behind for the people in her life that are the reasons why she killed herself to listen to. I read the book several years ago and have followed the author online for several years. I am a bit of a YA junkie, and I was really excited for this series to come out. Which means that going in, I knew that the booked touched on extremely triggering topics like rape and suicide.
I watched the series fully intending on sitting down with my middle school aged daughter and watching with her. I knew that the topics touched on were hardcore, and that it would lead to some serious discussions between the two of us. But I am not so naive as to think that her friends aren’t already talking about sex and suicide. Even as a sixth grader, my daughter has brought a string of texts between her and a few friends where one of the girls was threatening to kill herself. This is heavy stuff that I hate my kid is learning about at such a young age, but it IS happening, and we as parents DO need to be aware of it.
All that being said, I beg you to, no I IMPLORE you, DO NOT LET YOUR KIDS WATCH 13 REASONS WHY! (And if they have already watched it, but you haven’t, keep reading, because you have some damage control to do.)
Why am I not okay with this Netflix Original Series? Why do I not want kids to learn about the aftermath of bullying, drugs, alcohol, rape and suicide? (This show is rated TV-MA by the way, which means Mature Audience Only. This program is specifically designed to be viewed by adults and therefore may be unsuitable for children under 17. So Netflix doesn’t disagree with me.)
- This show was overly graphic. The last four episodes especially, so if you watch the first couple and think you have a good overview of how intense the show is, you don’t. They have explicit warnings at the beginning of each episode, but that isn’t enough. The show features two rapes of teenage girls. These rapes are gritty, horrifying and not something your children need to actually witness just in case they need to deal with something like this. They did a good job of showing Hannah (the girl who committed suicide) and how she felt during the rape, but watching her body writhe with each “thrust” was completely unnecessary and not something we needed to watch in order to understand the gravity of the situation.
- The suicide toward the end of the series might as well have been a handy dandy how-to graphic for how to kill yourself. They showed her stealing razors, and the showed the actual cutting of her wrists, the way she cried out and laid in the bathtub until she was gone. Why show a kid exactly how to do it? Why was that important? Don’t you think we could have gotten the same feelings if we hadn’t watched the blade actually pierce and slice her skin? (Also, in the books, she took pills. Was that not graphic enough for television?)
- The other big problem I had with the suicide was the build up, the entire series lead up to Hannah killing herself. Which isn’t different than in the books, but for some reason, they made it feel like a big reveal, an event that you were waiting on. Something exciting. Suicide should never EVER be exciting. And I was disappointed that they depicted it as such.
- They glamorized Hannah, the girl who killed herself. They made her out to be this big amazing person that everyone remembered and was heartbroken about after she left. In the book, the story was more about the kids she left behind, but for some reason, the series made this about her, like she left some sort of legacy only a dead girl could leave behind. Why would you want kids to think their lives will only have meaning after they die? What kind of effed up message even is that?
Look, I get it. I get that the whole point of the series is to make me feel uncomfortable because you SHOULD be uncomfortable when it comes to these topics. I understand that the scenes were overly graphic because they were trying to be real and show kids that actions have real consequences. I am just saying that it went too far. That the message is lost in the uncomfortableness, and that the way the series is depicted isn’t fair to the story or to the characters and what they went through.
The bottom line is this:  There are differences between reading books and watching shows. With books, if things get too intense you can easily skim ahead a bit and avoid certain content. With shows it isn’t that simple. And a younger watcher might not be emotionally prepared to watch someone else’s depiction of these events. That development takes time. Seeing it thrown out there before they have the emotional strength to understand it us unfair to them and it isn’t right for us as parents to do that.
I remember the first time I watched the Lord of The Rings, when the orcs came on and how scared I was of them. The thing is, when I’d read the book as a kid, the orcs were only as scary as my imagination would let them be, and they were nowhere near as frightening as they were in the movie. I think this is sort of the same thing happening here. When you read something, your mind is only going to let it go as far as your mind can handle but when you watch it, you are at the mercy of someone else’s mind, and this time 13 Reasons Why did a poor job of understanding how much high school and middle school aged kids can handle.
Honestly, I am disappointed that I can’t share this show with my child. That we can’t talk through the things that happen, the cyber bullying, the sex, the kids and the way they treat each other and use this series as a tool to breed the conversation. I would have loved to see this series be something we could show to our high schoolers. A teaching aide for them to understand that life isn’t as dramatic or dire as they think it is in high school. It is such a missed opportunity that because of the overly graphic nature of a few scenes that this series can’t be more valuable to us as a society.
If your kids have already watched it, or you are planning to let them watch it anyway, talk to them. Talk through what they’ve seen and what their friends are talking about. Really spend some time on these topics and assess how it made them feel, because if this show shocked me as an adult, I can’t imagine how much it is going to rock the thought process of an adolescent.
It’s a tv show. How about you don’t let your underage kids watch things with mature content. Nobody has ever complained about the wire glorifying gang “culture”. A well adjusted person can make this distinction in the same vein that video games do not incite violence. If your unsubstantiated opinion piece wants to actually hold value go ahead and cite some peer reviewed research as to why this could potentially be damaging to an 18 year old teen.
I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH!! Someone shared your article. I decide to read it. I asked my daughter what she was watching and it was THIS SHOW! Immediately, I began a crucial conversation with her. She said she just “wanted to see what the hype was about.”. Your article was not in vein, because it allowed me to be proactive about a show I didn’t even know existed! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I’m very glad to see parents who want their kids to live in the real world and not behind a veil. To be worried about teens seeing how to commit suicide or get a good view point on rape is sadly something our kids already know a lot about. I think of the 9year old boy who committed suicide. I think about our teens, girls and boys, who are exposed to some form of rape just riding the school bus. It is almost impossible for a parent to be on point when it comes to the knowledge of our teens. No, it shouldn’t be like that, we like to be one step ahead, but sadly, this is the world we live in and it’s very true
Jamie, I appreciate your sensitivity in addressing the issues of this Netflix series.
Everyone knows kids in the US are exposed to sophisticated and mature themes in films, tv, games, and books a bit earlier than some would like.
When my youngest was 12, Hunger Games was big. I didn’t want her to read it until she was older than 12; too many 12-year-olds die in the book. Other parents thought I was too protective. That’s fine for their families. (When my youngest was 14 she loved the Hunger Games books and then the films, when they came out.)
My understanding is Thirteen Reasons Why is a Young Adult book, which means it’s aimed at ages 14 and up. Considering the mature themes you describe, rape and suicide, I would let my 14 year old read it. I would encourage my 17 year old to read it.
I would not let my 12 year old read it.
Thank you for the warning. I didn’t realize that’s what the series was about — I didn’t read the book when it came out, but heard good things about it.
My teen daughter was raped and then tried to kill herself. Lucky for all of us, she survived.
I don’t need to see this kind of show…. I lived it. I’m grateful for the warning.
I think older teens DO need to see it.
But I don’t need to.
I’m personally more disturbed by the fact you feel rape should be “softened” so you can “stomach it”. You felt completely uncomfortable? Good. There’s NOTHING about rape & rape culture that should EVER feel comfortable or be able to be “stomached”. I want my sons to be completely disturbed about rape. I want them to know what to recognize in their friends, or, God save the world, their sister & to help them or defend them.
Beautiful comment, you said it.
Agree 100%
Agree 100%
Could not have said it better. THANK YOU.
In reference to your #3 – Hannah left a message (13 tapes) to be revealed to very specific people after she died. That’s it. Clearly, the only other thing she left behind was a mess. Did we watch the same series? I’m not sure because nowhere did the series glorify Hannah’s life after her death. To the contrary, the writers did a superb job showing the tragic heartbreak, earth shattering emotions, victims leave behind for those that knew, loved them or both. It showed how they have options, it showed that they can reach out to those who love them… and really reach out, not wish people could read their minds or feel their pain. It showed the selfish side of suicide so if anything, it did not glorify suicide, it showed it for what it really is; tragic, for the person who killed him or herself and everyone within their circle. Hannah gave up on herself and thinking high school and those people in it were the whole world, was a mistake. The messages were loud and clear; what a shame, what a waste, she would have had support etc. No glory in any of that.
Correction, #4
So instead of degrading this show, why not find an appropriate movie that portrays bullying like “A Girl Like Her” which is also on Netflix and is suitable for younger ages. My 18 year old daughter who is graduating and leaving for college IS watching this because it is an honest reality of what happens. It is not sugar coated so that she can understand this really does happen. It happens to children, young adults and adults.
I respectfully and personally disagree with you.. Yes it’s graphic. but in real life there is no filter or coating on how it happens watching Jessica and Hannah story of rape was hard as a rape victim but it was real same with her sliting her wrist no you don’t have to show kids how they can easily use Google for samething.the whole point is to show kids watch what you say, think before you act cause your actions and words do have consequences.everyone is entitled to different opinions and choices what their kids watch but I rather my kids see real and raw then sugar coated and expect that to be how it works in real life.i do think the show would be more appropriate for 8th-12th grade.yes I know bullying starts younger and that’s your job as parents to talk to your kids be involved in their lives let them know bullying is wrong and has consequences and that if they are being bullied your there for them they aren’t alone.but with the situations in the show and graphicness I wouldn’t show it to a kid under 14.
-A sexual abuse and suicide survivor
Totallly disagree! Every parent with children needs to watch! Every parent with teenagers need to watch with! I’m on my second parenting round with a 9 year old. My oldest are 24 and 21. I wish they had this kind of graphic information. I don’t have the time or reason to explain any further.
I recommend you take the time to watch the follow up documentary on its production and the very relevant and thought out reasons why producers chose to portray those scenes the way they did.
You can find it on Netflix under the title, 13 Reasons Why: Beyond the Reasons.
They worked with psychologists to deliberately show scenes the way they did. Yes, some of the scenes were very graphic, and yes they were uncomfortable to watch, but they were not glamorized.
Personally, I think they did an incredible job of delivering each episode and each scene within them in a way that did the book justice in its relevance to the issues so many teens experience today.
And while I can’t speak on their rationale for changing the method of suicide from the books description of the use of pills, I believe their aim was to make people watching this scene feel the uncomfortable, painful and devastating emotions of this decision and the immediate aftermath of it, which it sounds like you may have felt, despite your belief that they glamorized it.
Agree; well said.
Let me ask you, have you ever known someone who committed suicide or wanted to? Dealt with depression yourself? Been raped? Its okay if you havent felt any of this. But i dont think you understand the gravity and the help this show gives. Im a suicide survivor, bully survivor and a rape survivor. I wish this show was around when i was younger. It took me failing at suicide to get help. I was raped at such a young age i didnt know what happened until i was older and when i did tell someone, i was told i was lying. This show needed to happen. It needed to be graphic. Bullying, rape, and suicide will keep happening because it is still hidden behind this wall of “if i dont hear it or see it, it couldnt happen”. Guess what, it does. Im not being mean or trying to one up anyone. Hannah’s story helped me so much. Those 13 episodes made me wish i couldve helped someone in high school and made me realize that no one is what they seem on the outside. Dont write off this show because its brutally honest. Make them watch it because its real life. Its not la la land out there. Be mindful and teach your child that they could save someone just by asking how someone is doing. Not out of courtesy or necessity, but because you care.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU for posting this regarding this VERY popular YA book. My cousin commuted suicide AFTER reading this book. No one know’s the ‘WHY’ he did it – and I am, in no way, suggesting that this book had anything to do with it. BUT! As parents, it is OUR responsibility to make sure, to the best of our ability, that our kids are safe. ESPECIALLY in a world like today.
Thank you again, Jaime! ??????????
I take you’ve never dealt with depression or suicide. The whole series is showing real life events that are happening that parents need rn be aware about. Suicide is a real thing it’s not pretty either. It’s about paying attention and speaking up. I pray that your child never has to deal with something like that because it’s the worst feeling in the world.
I read this article and wonder if you actually did watch the series (and if you did, perhaps you need to re-watch because I think you’ve missed some of the key themes).
1/2.Yes, the show is graphic. It deals with hard subjects like rape and suicide. These are not light topics and those who go through them do not have an easy road.
3. I did not find the build up to Hannah’s suicide exciting. I’m not sure how you could even come to that conclusion. Yes there was a build up to it but it was incredibly sad. We start the series with a bright young girl who is just trying to have a normal high school experience and as the episodes progress we slowly watch as the cruelty (and sometimes just indifference) of those around her begins to wear her down to the point where she feels she has no other option but to end her own life. That is not exciting, that is tragic.
4. The series didn’t glamorize Hannah. If you recall, many of the characters (with the exception of Clay and Tony) called her a slut and a liar when they were afraid Clay was going to release the tapes. She was not beloved by her peers. And yes, the series is all about her because this is her story. I would argue that the reason connecting all 13 tapes is that no one actually listened to her. They allowed their perceived notions of her to rule their thinking and their treatment of her. So yes, the series should be about her. During her life she was never able to tell her story and unfortunately the only way she was allowed to tell it was after she died.
I watched the whole series. I do agree that it was a little graphic but a I also agree that it is life. Parents can’t shield it from us forever. It showed me that we shouldn’t always judge people so quickly. It showed how you never know what’s going on in someone else’s life. To also reach out to others if they seem like outsiders. The suicide part I believe was a little gory but nothing super serious. It wanted you to feel the character’s pain. The rape part was a little much too but it’s life, lets be honest. I understand why parents are upset about this but I believe if your child is adult enough to understand this is serious, it might show them how to choose the people they hang around and how they influence their life. It also shows to reach out to more people instead of having social pyramids and isolating people.
To a teen:
I just wanted to say that your comments were pretty awesome. You seem to be a smart kid and hopefully most teens that watch this show realize that all kids have ups and downs. Part of life is dealing with people who judge and guess what….it gets better
Thank you for writing this Jamie!
Best series i have watched. We need to stop wrapping kids in bloody bubble wrap !! This stuff happens in real life this series shows what ALL sorts of bulling can lead too. Dont stand on the side lines watching get in there and change it.
So how do we help our kids be more resilient to all the crap they face at school & in the world????
I agree that children shouldn’t watch the show. I mean, that goes without saying when you consider that the show is rated TV-MA. This isn’t a show for kids. If anything, this show was targeted for adults and parents to have a better understanding of what a lot of teenagers experience in North America due to bullying; and, the rationale that teenagers have when considering suicide. Of course, this series does not cover all reasons as to why teenagers or youth consider suicide, but it paints a realistic picture of what happens in our society. The book is undoubtedly more appropriate for a teenage audience but I don’t think a teenage audience is what the creators of this show were trying to appeal to. The scenes are graphic for good reason – empathy. I think it’s true to say that when watching a television show, viewers tend to put themselves in the shoes of the characters. Personally, it was incredibly hard for me to watch some of the scenes from 13 Reasons Why but watching the scenes gave me a closer look into the reality of situations like: rape and suicide. It’s one thing to read about it and hear about, but, for some people, when they see it and almost experience it, it has a greater impact on them. This impact can influence people to truly care more about what message is being delivered. I feel that is something that 13 Reasons Why did well – delivery of a difficult and realistic message through empathic impact.
Okay so what your saying is that people who are actually going through these tremendous things such as getting raped and contemplating suicide should not watch this show because it’s too intense. Well I hope you know, um, that is actually some people’s life and what they are going through and if other people watch this it might make them have enough courage to actually step up and realize there is actually bad crap out there and maybe if you try and reach out and help these people, you might make a difference in that persons life. I am 17 years old and yes this shows was intense, but I am so glad I watched it because did it not only change my perspective on how I treat others but also on how I should be treating myself. And what I get from what you are saying is only “mature audiences” such as 18+ should watch this, well I hate to burst your bubble but I don’t think college students and adults are gonna help that poor little freshman who has to eat alone it the bathroom everyday because of how bad they are getting bullied, it is the job of other high school kinda to realize how bad their words and actions can affect someone else life. ALL high school kids should what this.
Thanks Steph. My 17 yr old son is currently watching and encourage me to binge watch it. After reading this article I was worried. Due to your post I am no longer worried. I will speak to him and ask how it makes him feel but I am glad he is watching.
I agree. I watched and thought the same thing. I think there were several attempts made to highlight bullying and the potential end result, but in the end, I too think it glorified suicide for teens. I would recommend for adults only.
Totally disagree with this. Taking the approach that the content is too graphic is putting the blinders on as a parent. We live in an age where our children are being exposed to much more graphic videos at younger and younger ages. You can’t always be there to filter everything your children see and you can’t always be there to help them interpret what they have seen. This show gives you the opportunity to help them interpret what’s going on in this series. They will identify with one or another character and ask themselves what they might be doing to contribute to someone else’s thoughts of suicide. They may just prevent a suicide by being aware and it may prevent their own thoughts of suicide from manifesting.
Every parent needs to make this decision for themselves. My 16 just finished the book so that she could watch the series that everyone else is watching. My 16 year old is mature and aware of how life works so she will be fine watching it. My 12 year old is too young and I will not let her watch it and neither will my 16 year old. Have a 6th grader I’m surprised you would want her to watch it. Its says its for TV-MA so why would you? As I said every parent makes the decision. Maybe someone will see it that is considering suicide and will see what it does to the people they leave behind and maybe it will make teens realize that what they say and do to each other has serious affects. High school kids should read the book. Its important.
…I’m 12 and I was fine with everything, except for I cry a lot so there’s no surprise there. Everyone is talking about it (School, instagram, google, EVERYTHING.) So it’s hard not to actually get into it/watch it