How To Murder Your Teenager, And Where To Hide The Body

Teenagers are awful. The are as close to nature flipping parents the finger as you can get. And yeah, we’ve all got those friends who are all, “My kids aren’t like that. My kids are amazing. Maybe if you’d parented differently your kids could be angels, too.” Yeah, trust me: their little Dylan and Petal are nightmares when mom and dad aren’t around. Like it or not, all teenagers suck. That’s why every parent needs a handy dandy guide explaining how exactly to murder their offspring, and where exactly to hide the body. Unfortunately, murder is still considered illegal in most states, and no one has had a successful Twinkie defense in years, so here are three things to try other than murder…I mean, if you’re determined to go that route, that is.

How To Murder Your Teenager, And Where To Hide The Body

1. If there were a handy dandy guide to murdering your teen, the first suggestion would be to kill them with their own filth. Make it look like an accident. Have a pile of their own laundry and dirty dishes fall on them in their sleep. Make sure their music is turned up to full volume so it looks legit.

Instead, talk to your kids about cleaning their disgusting germ trap of a room. Explain that you’ll be removing one thing per day (or two or five) until it is clean, and they can only earn these things back one at a time for each day their room is kept clean. Sure, they won’t believe you at first, but if you make their bed the first thing to go, they’ll catch on sooner rather than later.

2. Next, the guide might suggest public embarrassment as the perfect way to go. School is the best place to make this happen. Show up in your least matching outfit carrying their lunch or something else they called home begging you to bring. This way, they are literally the architect of their own demise.

Another way to go would be to just tell them ‘No’. They forgot their lunch? Hope their friend has some spare celery. That paper sitting on the kitchen table is a third of their grade? Sad day. Good things we didn’t have plans for summer vacation and you can retake the class then. It might sound harsh, but let them flail. They’ll learn responsibility or at very least figure out that going to summer school instead of to the lake isn’t very fun. You’re raising future adults…it’s okay to let them fall while you’re still there to make sure they don’t fall too hard.

3. A sure fire way to murder your teen is to let them do whatever they want. Kids make horrible decisions. If you leave them to their own devices nature will take its course, and you’ll not ever have to face a jury of your peers. Aislyn wants to go to that party with her friend who drinks too much in a warehouse? Sure! Why the heck not? All the kids are getting tattoos from that shady guy who was once busted for selling pot near the elementary school? Sounds legit! Go for it!

Or pick and choose your battles. Everyones going to that party where at least three girls are probably going to go missing? You’re doing family night instead. Or let them go to a party at a house you’re familiar with. Give them a code to type into their phone if they feel uncomfortable and need you. Tattoos at that sketchy guy’s house and your daughter has to have one? Let’s get a fake septum ring. Or, if bribery isn’t your jam, stick to those ‘No’s’. It won’t kill the kid to be reigned in a bit.

Look, there are a lot more. Like I said earlier, teens are awful. Most of them don’t deserve to survive into adulthood. But, then again, we were all teens once ourselves. And while we like to try to remember ourselves as innocent pillars of goodness amongst our peers, chances are our parents often dreamed about forgetting to pick us up from the mall, or at very least gassing us with our own body sprays. For kids to survive into adulthood is an anomaly that can’t really be explained by science, but thankfully most of us never act upon our murderous desires and if we’re able to stick it out it’s a pretty sure bet someday those kids are going to have awful kids of their own. And that is when we’ll shine.

Have more ideas for how to murder teens, or maybe what to do instead? Tell us about them in the comments below!