What It’s Like To Be The Odd Mom Out
I don’t know what it is about me, but other moms just don’t like me, or at least they don’t want to talk to me at the bus stop. It might be the area I’m in. Maybe it’s because I look really young (to be fair, I am a young mom). Maybe it’s because I have resting bitch face. It could be because instead of using “kid voice” when I speak to my kids I just talk to them like I talk to everyone else. I don’t know. It’s totally fine, I’ve never been the type of person who needs to fit in, but it can be tricky when you have little eyes watching and wondering why the other moms seem to avoid having to talk to you. This is what it’s like to be the odd mom out.
I will admit that I’m not what you would call a conventional mom. I cringe when I use that term because I feel like no mom really feels like a “conventional mom”, but for lack of a better word, we’re going to use it.
I am a younger mom, and generally just a smaller person, so I tend too look even younger than I actually am. I wear leggings and over sized T-shirts. I love skinny jeans, cardigans, and boots. I have long messy hair that is most likey thrown into what I like to call the “F-it bun” (you all know what i’m talking about). I carry a backpack instead of a diaper bag. I wear winged eyeliner. I know how to use Twitter and Periscope. I know who Fetty Wap is (unfortunately). I talk about Harry Potter with your kids. Most people, when you look at me, would not immediately think “mom”.
But, like any mom knows, being a mom is the most important thing in my life. I hand-make my kids Christmas stockings. I work from home so my kids don’t have to go to daycare. They go to ballet and gymnastics, just like other kids do. I make homemade granola bars. I painstakingly match their tiny little socks and sort out their legos just like any other mom does. I DIYed our “elf on the shelf” because good god, who wants to spend 30 dollars on that creepy little dude? I love my kids, just like other moms do.
So what is it about me that makes other moms so weird about me? It’s in line at school. It’s at piano lessons. I get that I probably get mistaken for the babysitter, or people are judging me, some people are extroverted, or I’m just intimidating.
But, what REALLY irks me, is that I’ve tried making conversation with these women at the bus stop more than once. They’re polite and they answer, but there is always an underlying feeling of unease, like they’re wondering why I’m talking to them and they’re just waiting for me to usher my kid onto the bus and go home. It’s a little bothersome that I know your children’s birthdays and you don’t even want to know my name. Meh. It’s more effort to make conversation with these women who obviously have no interest in including me in their conversation than I’m willing to put in.
To be fair, the last thing I want to do is talk about mom probs at 7am. I have nothing in common with these women, and in a life without children, we probably would not be friends. BUT- these are the mothers of the kids that hang out in my yard with my daughter after school. It’s almost as if I feel the need to let them know that, I too, am a normal mother, so that they won’t feel weird about their children playing with my children. So far it’s been fine, but there are other issues that are more worrisome than just not being courted by the mom cliques.
If you think your kids don’t notice that three moms are all grouped together and you are standing by yourself- you’re wrong. They definitely notice when these women are together and obviously gossiping about you. Yes, this happens on occasion. Yes, I always look to see if myself or my kids are wearing something weird. My kids are all well groomed and wearing clean clothes that fit. Did I forget to wear a bra? Is my hair crazy? Nope. They’re just rude.
“Mom, how come the other moms don’t talk to you?”
OUCH.
You would think that, as moms, we would try to include each other in polite conversation, after all, we all have something in common. Especially being stay-at-home moms and not getting very much adult interaction, but no. So when these questions are asked by my 8 year old, instead of getting mad and yelling “BECAUSE THEY’RE JUST TOO COOL FOR YOUR OLD MOM” or “I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO THOSE BORING OLD BITTIES ANYWAYS!” , I try to spin it into a lesson, because, honestly, what else am I supposed to do? Let her see me get worked up over these bratty ladies?
“It’s okay if they don’t want to talk to me- they’re just talking to each other. They’re not doing anything wrong”
“But you try and talk to them, but they never try and talk to you.”
“Do you think that what they’re doing is very nice?”
“No.”
“What do you think is the right thing to do?”
“Try and talk to you so you don’t feel left out”
“What if they just don’t like me?”
“They should still be nice.”
“It’s okay if they don’t want to talk to me, but you’re right, the nice thing to do would be to try and make friends. We can’t make other people be nice, but we can try to be good examples.”
I halfway hope they can hear me from where they’re standing.
I’ve long since given up trying to strike up conversation with these women. I’ve accepted that there is something about me that just doesn’t sit right with them, and that’s ok. So far their kids still play with mine, and they all play together nicely, so that’s all that really matters. I do have other mom friends who are amazing people, so I know I’m not shunned by the entire mom population. We are just a little more like minded.
So, they can have their bus stop clique.
I’ll be sitting here with my skinny jeans on, writing about them on a blog.
Wanna wear winged liner to your bus stop, too? Check out this tutorial!
I guess you’re too cool for me. Cuz I don’t wear winged liner or look soooo young. I wear skinny jeans and messy bun though… So maybe one day I can sit by you. Sigh. I know who Fetty Wap is does that help?
I am 35 with a 4 year old and a 2 year old and i work outside the home {gasp}. I don’t fit in with anyone either. Moms have taken to social media to become these perfectionist super heroes and I have found that the real life mom groups don’t exist in real life or at least I have never been welcomed to one. Life is cliquish. Wish it weren’t bUT no sense in being upset about it. You will fit in with some but not others. Take the high road and talk to your kids about inclusion but ask yourself if you truly include everyone as well. It’s tough. We are busy people. Momming is tough. Sometimes being friends with just a few is enough.
So for all the moms who feel left out or ignored, let me emphasize that it’s likely NOT about you.
I have 3 kids and a husband who works weird shifts often for 100+ hours a week. I’m an introvert who runs the household and family 24/7, one of my girls is epileptic, I have no family in town, and we’re remodeling part of the house right now, to boot. The little bit of brainpower and time I have left over for my social life goes to the few close friends I already have, and I simply have no room left over for new acquaintances. I’m not snubbing you, and I really have no opinion of you (positive or negative) … I just know you would be one more person expecting something from me that I have no capacity to give!
I certainly make small talk with other moms at school or on the playground, but that’s all.
Maybe those bus stop moms only get those 10 minutes of quality friend time in a day and they’re really not aware that you feel excluded!
Ahhh so where do we find these awsome mom’s that other moms do not want to talk to because we all look like we are 18 or 25 at most ?Please if any of you exist in Maine I am here in my skinny jeans with my high heels waiting to be worn out with other moms who can understand I am too a normal mom !
Im one of these moms. Tho… I think Im starting to look my age (33). I live in NH!! But I dont wear skinny jeans or high heels (no skinny jeans cuz nobody wants to see that on me and no high heels cuz I look like ET when I try to walk in them.) It’s more big clunky shoes or flip flops, ripped up jeans and a tank. I suck at trying. But Im a pretty awesome friend! 😛 😀
I’m with you. I was a young mom the first time around and then divorced. I also have a career and this seemed to intimidate other moms. I can’t relate to being at home and making cookies. The idea gives me hives to be honest. They can’t relate to leaving their kids for a fraction of a second or missing one.single.game. let alone all day while they go to work. Now, I’m the older mom of twins. I still have (an even better) career and I don’t feel guilty not being there for every little thing. I’ve tried being nice and talking to them but it just dies on the spot. I don’t get invited to anything. I have one friend who is also a working mom. Our girls are in the same grade. She may be the only one I’ve connected with but that’s ok. One is better than none and we get along great. Our kids play and we drink wine. We are in similar fields so we have wonderful intelligent non-kid centered conversations. Her husband is in the field too and joins in. I didn’t do the clique thing when i was in school so it makes sense that I wouldn’t do that now. I think everyone is a valid human being worth talking to but if I am going to be excluded from a group then so be it. I’ll go hang out with their husbands. 😉
I have the opposite problem. I am the older mom with my children being 13 and 17. I am 50! Yes, a late bloomer. When the moms all go out for moms night out I never get asked. I guess I will never fot in even though I feel like I still look young.
Well just when I thought I was the only one! Don’t expect it to get any better. When your kids are 18 and all the teenagers want to sit with you, hang out at your house ,and they talk to you more than their moms ever will… But it’s all good then, because the teenagers are way more fun to talk to then their moms!
I am also that mom. I’m a divorced mom and a model – double whammy. No woman will talk to me and it’s very lonely. I would love to hang with you and any other friendly moms! Good luck in finding a sisterhood. I miss my pre-kid friends that all live elsewhere now. Suburbia f-Ing blows. Suburban moms – try and be open minded about new people no matter what we look like… Purple haired, too young, too fat, too skinny, too pretty, too whatever.
I’m that mum. I’m short too! I’ve always been a loner though so it doesn’t bother me much. I just don’t want it to affect my kids.
I’m an angler and outdoors person. I do all sorts of fishing, hiking, exploring, and research field work during the day. So when I come to the school I’ve been known to show up in camo, smelling like fish, or just a bit disheveled. I even wore my rubber boots there the other day. One time while waiting for dismissal in the foyer with the other moms, a large folding Buck knife fell out of my pocket and skittered across the floor. The other moms all looked horrified but I thought it was hilarious.
Hopefully my social awkwardness is countered by my husband’s popularity. Everyone knows and likes him. He is the balance to my freakishness. The kids should be alright.
jealousy will give them wrinkles meanwhile you have winged eyeliner!
BHAHAHAHAHAH!! “Humblebrag” much? Don’t answer–the article speaks volumes. Glad you cop to being a young mom–it means there is yet hope that you’ll mature–and I don’t mean in your tastes/likes/dislikes etc…just your your obviously desperate need to trumpet your own utter coolness.
Nail hit on head.
Yes, yes, YES.
This is why I have no friends.
NOW I understand.
It’s because of my damned winged eyeliner.
…and our whole foods lifestyle, that we’re not fat, my kids don’t have smartphones, we do homeopathy, we don’t go to Disney, we homeschool and actually stay at home except Wednesdays.
Don’t make me suffer with small talk, please.
So what do you do when the kids start treating your child the same way the parents treat you? I’ve tried fitting in, having the normal, boring, mind numbing conversations… I tend towards the more intellectually stimulating conversations about space and time, consumerism, politics or religious debates, anything to make me think and broaden my own views. It never bothered me that they don’t talk to me, or like me… But now I’m seeing the same actions from their kids towards my own. Any advice would be great!
I swear you described me and my issues in this article. But I don’t need those stuck up moms and all the organic crap they only feed the kids. And I think you sound like an awesome mom!
I’m the odd mom out and proud of it. Sadly, all I read is “judging”, “judging”, “judging”. They’re jealous, over weight, etc. kids pick up on all vibes and act on it.
You sound a little bit insufferable. In your article, you outlined just how cool and hip and smart and above the crowd you are. Maybe you are putting out a negative vibe. I felt it while reading your story.
I couldn’t agree more. Sounds very elitist
Yes I agree X, Y and Zee! Author sounds arrogant and judgemental. On and on about being an atypical mum… it’s obviously a point of pride. Maybe the other mum’s pick up on this woman’s underlying disdain and conceit… it’s not exactly subtle!
Agreed.
Judgy, judgy ladies! Ever seen the move Mean Girls?? Thinking you might identify.
Yep
I once heard a japanese girl’s interpretation of this and felt she was spot on. She said in America, once you have a kid, you have a mom group. The moms in the group all try to be the lead mom without appearing to do so. So, I see it…and I never played along, so I was always the odd mom out. I dont want to compete to be the lead mom and I dont want to follow the lead mom around once she has been crowned.
It also happens if you’re a purple haired, 53 yo who wears converse and black jeans. My 8 yo seems normal enough though. Maybe it’s that I could be their mom or I don’t like Taylor Swift. Whatever….just don’t judge my kid.
Ha ha. I may sound judgemental when I say this but the women who don’t want to befriend me are all out of shape and let themselves go after children. Me, on the other hand, I am a weightlifting gym rat, I dont put a lot of effort into hair or makeup but I dont look I am past 20 (I am actually 28). But I have a few friends that I workout with and talk to at church but I dont mind not having “friends” since I am busy with 2 kids and hardly get time alone with my husband. But I have never been “the most liked” in female groups just because after I was raised with 7 brothers, women didnt like my “down-to-earth,” “i-do-what-i-want” attitude. I think you either are a small talker that goes along with everyone, or you dance to your own tune.
Darlin’, I will tell you exactly what it is. And sadly, it’s despicable and paints women in an ugly light. It’s this simple: jealousy. It’s that you’re a mom who doesn’t look like a mom (read: you look just as provocative and appealing as you did prior to giving birth). You’re hip; you’ve got your own style; you most likely come across very confident (though you may not feel that way); you look like you’ve figured out how to have your cake (being a mommy) AND eat it, too (appearing completely unscarred by it). Plain and simple, it’s jealousy. Just stay civil, but don’t feel the need to try to make buddies. With the level of insecurity they’re exhibiting and the nastiness that results, these are not qualities you want even in acquaintances. At some point in the drivel of small talk, they’d be likely to pull you into their conversations about some other poor mother they collectively choose to not like. I’m guessing you’re a bit of an introvert, so let these badly-behaving women do their own thing, and seek out the other introverted mommy hanging off to the side or looking equally alone. I guarantee your conversation and company will be far more gratifying. Let the others go and learn not to question yourself through their inexcusible behavior. They are the problem; you are not the problem.
This post spoke to me so much! I too am a short, young-looking mom. I’m a whole 4’11” and look like I could pass for a teenager. Many parents probably look at me as a teenage mom and skip over me when in a crowd. It doesn’t bother me in the least. I never cared to associate with people like that before and refuse to do so now. I’m just glad that I’m not the only one who has to deal with ignorance.
🙂
Kudos to you for handling it so well.
Kate | TheOrganizedDream.com
And that is how bullies are made. Just reading this made me uncomfortable. I hate mean girls!
I have always and remain that mom as well. When my son went to daycare it wasn’t just the other moms but also the “teachers”; then when he started Kindergarten and I was still snubbed I thought it was because I was a single divorced mom, which of course is a contagious condition, like the flu. By the time my son was in fourth grade I had met the love of our lives and married somehow I thought things would get better…. silly me. Next year my son will be a senior in high school and I am still that mom. I stopped worrying about it a long time ago, after all it is not my issue but theirs, I now wear it like a comfy long cardigan (with my skinny jeans or leggings and boots) and model to my boys how important it is to love how God made you, to stay true to yourself and ALWAYS treat others as you want to be treated — no exceptions. Next year my youngest will start Kindergarten — any bets??
We are also HUGE Harry Potter fans but are at odds whether or not to read the next book being that J. K. Rowling did not write it, my thought is that it is based from here screen play that she did write so… ?? We will see. Thanks so much for this piece, it is nice to know there are others out there.
Yup ! I’m that mom too 🙂
I am that mom too. Glad to see I’m not alone.