Past or Present

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Okay, I’ve had my book in both past and present tense, and I am STILL not sure which one is the way to go… so I have the first few lines written BOTH ways for your viewing pleasure.


Here it is in present… this is the way I wrote most of the book:

I hold my breath and dive into the crawl space just before the beam of a flashlight sweeps across the wall.

The echo of police boots trails away while I silently count to thirty-to make sure they’re gone. I exhale, and check for the gem in my pocket.

Still there. Good.

Slipping out of the small opening, I look back at the glass case that held the Queen’s Ruby moments ago.  In a few seconds, an entire team of forensic specialists will show up to comb this place for evidence, and I can’t be here for that.

Frantically, I survey the room trying to decide on an exit strategy. Above me there’s a high ceiling with big metal pipe beams criss-crossed in a design more fashion than function. In the middle is a huge octagon shaped skylight with several smaller windows connected together.

That’s what I saw in my drawing.

I snatch the grappling hook off my black patent leather belt and shoot it towards the ceiling next to the skylight.  Missing the beams entirely, the hook smashes to the floor. The loud clank against the tile ricochets all around me and down the hall-alerting everyone to my whereabouts.

Crap! I push the retract button, and the hook snakes back to me, nicking my black nail polish. Oh great, I just painted these today, too. I shoot it once more and watch it wrap around a beam three times.

Tugging hard to make sure it’s secure, I grab the end with both hands, push the button, and flutter up to the ceiling. Balancing my feet on the beam, I carefully reach above me and pop open the skylight to squeeze through as the barking dogs scurry into the room below.

Safe on the roof, I reach to my belt for the overly complicated phone. It almost slips through my sweat soaked hands as I dial.

“Sketch here requesting an immediate extract. Pinging my location now.” Snapping the phone shut, I activate my GPS and wait.

And here it is in past:

I held my breath and dove into the crawl space just before the beam of a flashlight swept across the wall.

The echo of police boots trailed away while I silently counted to thirty-to make sure they’d left. I exhaled, and checked for the gem in my pocket.

Still there. Good.

Slipping out of the small opening, I looked back at the glass case that held the Queen’s Ruby just moments ago.  With only a few seconds before an entire team of forensic specialists showed up to comb the place for evidence, I needed to get out of there.

Frantically, I surveyed the room deciding on an exit strategy. Above me was a high ceiling with big metal pipe beams criss-crossed in a design more fashion than function, and in the middle was a huge octagon shaped skylight with several smaller windows connected together.

That’s what I saw in my drawing.

I snatched the grappling hook off my black patent leather belt and shot it towards the ceiling next to the skylight.  Missing the beams entirely, the hook smashed to the floor. The loud clank against the tile ricocheted all around me and down the hall-alerting everyone to my whereabouts.

Crap!

I pushed the retract button, and the hook snaked back to me, nicking my black nail polish.

Oh great, I just painted these today, too.

I shot it once more and it wrapped around a beam three times.

Tugging hard to make sure it was secure, I grabbed the end with both hands, and fluttered up to the ceiling. Balancing my feet on the beam, I carefully popped open the skylight to squeeze through, as the barking dogs scurried into the room below.

Safe on the roof, I reached to my belt for the overly complicated phone. It almost slipped through my sweat soaked hands as I dialed.

“Sketch here requesting an immediate extract. Pinging my location now.” Snapping the phone shut, I activated my GPS and waited.

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19 Comments

  1. I originally liked the present tense but most of my writing background is in screenwriting so maybe that’s why I preferred it. But it makes complete sense to write it in past tense too. Sorry I probably wasn’t much help – but it sounds really good can’t wait to read it.

    Stephanie’s last blog post..mom entrepreneur interview: joanne schlesinger

  2. Stopping by from SITS.

    I voted for past. Both were good, but past just worked better for me. Good luck!

    Joanne’s last blog post..National Donut Day

  3. I like reading in the past tense. I think it lends an air of anticipation to the story. Where the present tense seems to get more wordy, when reading fiction at least.

    WELCOME to the SITStahood by the way;0}

  4. Hello!

    Coming over from SITS to give you a big WELCOME!!

    I too like past tense! Either one you choose though will be great!

    Aubrey’s last blog post..Sweeter Than Honey

  5. I voted past, like apparently most everyone else!

    debbie’s last blog post..Bad Parenting Exposed

  6. I voted for past, even though many of the new YA novels are present (Forest of Hands and Teeth, Hunger Games, etc.). Past is just easier to read.

    Jaime Theler’s last blog post..Work in Progress Wednesday #5

  7. Past! I think it goes better.

    Blond Duck’s last blog post..The Magic Muffins

  8. Hey I tried to catch you on AIM but you didn’t answer so I figured I’d type on this.

    Personally I love the present and I think it works great. However after reading the Past it still sounds good.

    I read the above comments and a lot of people seem to lean towards past. While it is more traditional, I still think present makes action better, which your book has a lot of parts.

    I went through the same thing with my book started with past, tried present then after edits/votes, readers won with Past. Because these comments are potential readers it might be best to go to past, even though I like it present. It has to flow well for a majority of readers…sadly not just me! lol!

    Sara Tribble’s last blog post..MIA

  9. I liked both versions, but voted for past tense because it seems that the book as a whole might read easier that way. Great story- can’t wait to hear what you decide on. Best wishes!!

  10. I like the past tense best. It seems more natural when telling a story.

  11. I had to vote for past too. The past tense seemed a lot more smooth.

  12. Past, definitive! That parragraph was ok in present, but it’s real difficult to hold the whole novel in that tense.
    Past is safer and you can still play with tenses using simple past and perfect past.
    Great starting, you can feel the urgency! Love it 🙂

    Anna Serra i Vidal’s last blog post..Tímido despunte del 2.0.

  13. Stopping in from SITS… =)

    Heather’s last blog post..Life, Love and the pursuit of Sweet Tooth accomodations

  14. I like the past tense as well. Present tense just gets difficult after a while. I don’t know that I could read for very long in present tense.
    Whatever you decide though, the story is compelling!

    Christine’s last blog post..Fast Food Chain Closings in Ocala

  15. I always feel that writing in present tense slows the action down, to make it more suspenseful and terse. This would work for a short amount of prose, but I’m put off when you say your entire novel is in present tense.

    Reading constantly in present tense would become very laborious after a while, especially for a young adult market (which I think you’re aiming this at? correct me if I’m wrong).

    Either works for an opener, but I’d be dubious about using present tense all the time. Use present tense sparingly, is my advice.

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