I am Texas born and bred, when someone says, “It’s snowing outside” what they usually mean is “there’s a little bit of ice mixed in with the rain, and we are going to close down all schools and businesses for the next three days until it warms back up into the fifties, mmk?”
That being said, I have a few questions I need to ask you Northerners about snow. (See, I want my questions answered so bad, I didn’t even call you guys Yankees, or anything.)
- Why are you freezing your pants? What is this? How are you getting them positioned so neatly outside standing in the snow? When my jeans are wet, they are jumbled up in a little ball. How are you getting yours to stand up? What sorcery is this?
- What exactly are snow chains? Are they like actual chains you strap to your tires? I don’t understand how these work, wouldn’t they just WRECK your tires if you used them? I looked them up on YouTube, and on Amazon, but I still don’t understand them at all. The last time I bought new tires for my Jeep it was like 700 bucks. Are you having to buy new tires every year?
- What is with the milk and bread? I keep seeing pictures on my facebook feed of empty shelves of bread and milk. What are you people DOING with all this milk and bread. My family maybe drinks one gallon of milk and uses one loaf of bread every week, it is by no means the staple food that decides rather or not we live or die. Why is this something you HAVE to have when it snows? Are northerners really into eating sandwiches and washing them down with milk? And if so, why does nobody ever show us your bologna shortage?
- Can we talk for a second about coats? I love coats. Big time, but more as a fashion statement than anything else, and scarves always make me feel like I am suffocating a little bit, so I don’t really ever wrap them around my neck or anything. Are there actually coats out there that can keep you warm in winter? And what about gloves? How can you use your phone with gloves on? Do those iphone gloves actually work?
- What do you do about recess? When we go out to play in the “snow” here in Texas it takes us like an hour and a half to get all bundled up, and then another hour to get un-bundled when we come back inside. How is that even possible with an entire classroom of kids?
- And what about things that need to thaw out? What do you do when your car is covered in snow and the temperatures never get above freezing? Do you just throw a lot of hot water on it, or what? Because I tried that one time and I cracked the mess out of a windshield, so if you were thinking about doing that, I absolutely would not recommend it.
- What about shoes? When I go out in our snow, my feet always end up wet and cold. How do you keep your feet dry when all you are doing is traipsing through snow banks everywhere? Is this what shoveling is for?
- Speaking of shoveling, do you people really spend hours and hours every day shoveling snow out of your driveway just so you can go places? Like, seriously? It seems to me like it would take like three days to shovel out a driveway. Am I just clueless?
- What about BLACK ICE!? You mean to tell me there is sometimes just invisible ice on the road in the middle of the night and you are going to hit that patch and just NOT BE ABLE TO STOP? I don’t understand. Why are you driving in this? I want you to go home right now and drink some hot chocolate. Seriously. Don’t go out in that, I am worried about you right now. Please be safe!
- Do you really like it? Tell me WHY you would want to live somewhere so cold when there are places in the world that don’t get cold like that. I promise I am NOT asking to be a brat, I GENUINELY want to hear why someone would want to be SO cold for so long. Just writing this make me want to build a fire. And roast some chestnuts. (Spoiler alert, I don’t think I have ever actually seen a chestnut.)