So, I was at a conference (sort of) recently and seated for dinner with other writer/reader types—who are also good friends I get to see not often enough—when the conversation turned, as it does, to Hogwarts’ houses.

Look, don’t even pretend you haven’t had the “what house would you be in” conversation, or secretly sorted all your friends and enemies into their appropriate common rooms. Maybe not for a while, but Harry Potter hasn’t ever dimmed on the public consciousness, not with the theme parks and now a new movie. And there’s Pottermore sort of like a fansite, but official. Now, the description of Pottermore was a little vague when it was first announced. I mean, “Pottermore.” What does that even mean? It must be really cryptic, because surely it’s not as simple as “more Potter” but backward.

Anyway, I was like, another sorting test, I’ll do it some time after the fervor dies down, because ho hum, I ALREADY KNOW I’M A GRYFFINDOR. Turns out? I’m not. And I’m still reeling from the news.

Turns Out I’m A Hufflepuff. Thanks A Lot, Sorting Hat!

So, back to dinner. The topic is how Pottermore sorted them pretty much as expected, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, and so on, but how Darien got a swan as her patronus, and how random was that.

Me: What? It gives you a patronus?

Them: And says what your wand is.

Me: I must do this right away.

So I pull out my phone and over desert I take the sorting quiz, just as a formality on the way to what I’m sure will be my totally badass patronus.

I answer the questions, wait on the crappy hotel Wi-Fi, then boom.

Hufflepuff.

Son of a BITCH!

I manage not to say that as loud as I think it.

What?! Exclaim my friends.

“This thing is whack. I am not a freaking Hufflepuff.”

Hilarity ensues. Because no one wants to be a freaking Hufflepuff, except Edith, who tries to talk me down from the ledge by telling me how underrated and maligned they are.

I don’t even think J.K. Rowling likes Hufflepuffs. I mean “Hufflepuff” for starters. Bumblebee colors and a character from Mr. Toad’s Adventures as a mascot. Also, Cedric Diggory WTF.

This was a disaster. My very self-image is rocked to its foundation. Not only that, what am I going to do with all these red and gold accessories?

On the plane home, my BFF Kristi and I are having our debrief from the weekend, and I go off about the Pottermore thing. “You’re never going to believe this. I got sorted into Hufflepuff.”

And she looks at me with a deeply maternal sympathy and says, “Oh sweetie. I hate to tell you this, but that’s not exactly a surprise.”

DAMMIT!

When I get home to Texas, I make another profile and take the test again.

ARGH!

And again at Starbucks. (So I won’t have the same ISP address. Because I don’t want to get expelled.)

Then I make a profile for my alter-ego Kara (because I’ve already used up my personal email and all the other names I write under) and take it again.

Apparently ALL OF US are Hufflepuff AF.

I was really in a funk about this, which I realize must mean it’s true. Otherwise I’d have just been “Go home, Sorting Hat, you’re drunk.” I am very loyal, reasonably selfless, and while I will get up on my hind legs to defend someone else, I’m conflict-adverse otherwise. I like to do my do-gooding under the radar, where I can break rules that need breaking without being a total in your face asshole about it. And I do like adventure, but ones based around art and music and culture. It’s hard to picture a Gryffindor with the patience to visit Every Cathedral in England to make gravestone rubbings.

Gryffindors are someone you totally want on your side when it comes to facing Evil Overlords, but I’ll bet that day to day, they can probably be kind of annoying.

And last but not least…I’m just enough of a contrarian to find pleasure in being the thing that no one else wants to be.

So, I guess I’ll get out my knitting needles and get to work on a new scarf.

If only I didn’t look so awful in yellow. No wonder JKR put all the redheads in Gryffindor.

P.S. In case you’re wondering, my patronus is a pine marten, which is related to the weasel, otter, wolverine, and…wait for it…badger. (Otters are the best, though.)

Hey, Jamie here! I love Harry Potter Crafts so much that I wrote a book about them! My book, THE UNOFFICIAL GUIDE TO CRAFTING THE WORLD OF HARRY POTTER IS AWESOME AND YOU SHOULD TOTALLY BUY IT.

The Unofficial Guide to Crafting the World of Harry Potter: 30 Magical Crafts for Witches and Wizards from Pencil Wands to House Colors Tie-Dye Shirts