5 Things NOT To Say To Someone Who Had A Miscarriage

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The morning I lost my baby was a completely normal, boring morning. I got ready for work, made it there with at least five or ten minutes to spare, joked with my boss about a card she found, sat down and did my thing. I write all this because it was such a completely and totally innocuous morning. No pain, no cramping, nothing wrong. When I saw the blood in the toilet, my boss took me to the hospital as a precaution, not because either of us thought anything was truly wrong. I was eleven weeks pregnant, after all, and chances were likely this was the spotting that so many newly pregnant women experience. It wasn’t. Though I’d never had reason to think about it before, within less than 24-hours I knew there were at least 5 Things NOT To Say To Someone Who Had A Miscarriage.

5 things not to say to someone who had a miscarriage

I want to start by disclosing that it’s been Years for me since I lost my baby, but somehow it still hurts. Last week I found out a friend of mine lost hers and I knew it was time to write this post. So whether you’ve been through it or are reading to better know how to support your friends, know that my heart is with you. I truly have been there, and I am very sorry for your loss.

5 Things NOT To Say To Someone Who Had A Miscarriage

1. It’s better it happened now.

No. That is never the case. I know people are trying to be supportive by imagining how much more painful this loss would have been had baby made it further along, but the truth is from the moment I found out I was pregnant, I was already imagining my child through every stage of her life…even as far as believe in my heart that she was a girl. Her name would have been Emma Elizabeth and even if I’d lost her the day after I found out I was pregnant, it would have been too soon.

Instead…ask your loved one about the child they were carrying. Maybe they didn’t think much about it yet, or maybe…like me…they want people to know how amazing their child would have been.

2. It wasn’t your time.

That does not help even a little bit. All that does is offer in questions of fate and religion and the great beyond. All I wanted was a chance to curl my arms around the beautiful orange teddy bear I bought for Emma and cry about all the things I wouldn’t ever be able to say to her. Thinking about universal truths or a grand plan only made me feel bitter and angry about the baby I never got to hold. The truth was, I needed to go through the five stages of grief, and telling me it wasn’t my time was like skipping four of them and going straight to the pretty end.

Instead…be present with your loved one with whatever stage of grief they are in. If they are angry, be angry. If they are bargaining, listen to it. Eventually they will reach a state of acceptance and they will be so thankful that you helped them through those stages.

3. It wasn’t meant to be.

This is another one that hurt like hell. You would never tell a grieving parent who lost a breathing child that it wasn’t meant to be. Nooooo. Telling a woman who miscarried a baby that that baby wasn’t meant to be takes away every single dream, hope, plan, and even that little bit of time she actually had with that child. This isn’t a debate about the moment of humanhood or anything like that…if a woman miscarries a child and is upset about it then in her mind that child already WAS. No wasn’t meant to be about it because that child was fully alive in her mind.

Instead…keep it simple. I’m sorry for your loss. That really is enough.

5 Things Not To say To Someone Who Had A Miscarriage

4. So are you going to keep trying?

This one hurts my teeth. Losing a baby isn’t like getting a bad score on the LSAT. Before ever even beginning to think about trying again or future pregnancies or adoption or anything else, women who have miscarried have to make it through the loss of this child. This one. My Emma was my world though I never met her and I would have laid down my life in exchange for hers. Keep trying? Not an appropriate question.

Instead…ask your friend or loved one if there is anything they want to do in memory of the baby they lost. Let them lead the discussion.

5. So when will you go back to work?

Even the most well meaning friends asked me when I’d go back to work. I was lucky, my boss told me to take all the time I need, but because miscarriage isn’t an illness some people forget that grieving takes time. My child was a part of me from the moment those lines turned blue; her death felt like a part of me died.

Instead…ask your friend or loved one if they’ll need any financial help while they are grieving. Are there any bills that need to be paid, or phone calls that need to be made. What can you do to make this time of grieving less hard for them?

When anyone loses a child I think we all struggle with what to say to them. We want to be supportive, but not pry. Loving, but not smothering. The biggest thing to remember about anyone who has a miscarriage is that they did indeed lose a child. Love them. Listen to them. Give them your support. If you’re able to do those three things you will make it easier for them to grieve. And if you can’t figure out what to say, then don’t say anything. Sit with them. Hold their hand, if they’ll let you. Hug them when they ask. Being there for someone who has miscarried will mean more to them then words could ever express.

5 things not to say to someone who had a miscarriage

 

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18 Comments

  1. Don’t forget the intentionally malicious ones saying “it wasn’t even a baby to begin with”.

    It’s just as bad as some insensitive prick telling a woman who’d recently suffered miscarriage to just “shut up already about their miscarriage and get over it!” – seriously?! How hard can it be to understand that people grieve in different ways and at their own pace too!

  2. I experienced a miscarriage in April.. We wanted family to come to a memorial service we were going to hold for our angel. My husband’s brother was not sure if he could make it because that was during his 1 year old’s nap time. Could they have found a sitter? I guess I would make sure if a relative had a miscarriage, I would totally want to be there.. Not to mention, when he called by husband after our miscarriage, his first question was: How far along was your wife? And he believed that it “wasn’t meant to be”. So then a few months later, my husbands brother and sister in law get pregnant, and she came up to me and said she wanted me to know they were having a baby, but they don’t want anyone knowing yet “in case something happened” they didn’t want to go back and tell people.Oh, don’t you remember that just happened to us? How cruel can people be.. Those things= NOT TO SAY to someone that experienced a miscarriage. I can say that although those things hurt, I walk in freedom that they are people I can “shake the dust” with in my life. I learned who my real friends/family and people I can trust my heart with through this experience, and people that are no longer allowed in my bubble, I will forgive/love, but I do not have to trust with my heart.

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  4. I would like to add a couple more things that you should never say. And yes, these were said to me multiple times after each of my four miscarriages:

    1. You’re young, you can have more.– Um, not necessarily. You never know what medical conditions people are dealing with.
    2. There must have been something wrong with the fetus–.This is NEVER okay to say.
    3. It’s not like it was real yet.– Excuse me, but for me it was very real.

    Most people need to realize that those of us that have had the unfortunate experience, what we really need is just for someone to let us cry on their shoulder. And a big hug letting us know that they are there for us. We don’t need words to be comforted. Well, not all the time anyway.

  5. One of my friends tried to compare my miscarriage to get abortion and tried to tell me she knew how I felt. I was livid and disgusted.

  6. I can’t believe you really deleted my comment. Grow up and grow a pair. The truth hurts and you should be equipped to handle it.

    I’m disgusted.

    You should be more open minded. Too bad you are just a poser!

  7. We’ve lost six, and remain childless, after fifteen years of marriage.

    I wrote about one back in 2005:

    That was after the one we lost in 2002.

    My wife got pregnant again this year. We lived in constant apprehension; We didn’t do all the prospective parent things, such as getting the nursery ready, buying clothes and other baby items. We are emotionally scarred from losing so many.
    This time, though, things looked good. They were going to deliver the baby on Nov 10, so of course, when my wife’s office found out, they went nuts – baby shower, lots of unwanted attention (they have no concept of the fear we experienced every day, and were horribly insensitive!)

    She lost the baby on the 6th, 4 days before delivery.

    There is no worse thing for a husband than to sit there like an inert lump, raging inside that there’s not ONE FUCKING THING that you can do to make it better. To fix this. You have to sit there and hold the love of your life while she is in absolute hell, and know all the while that you cannot take this pain away.

    And then there are all of the questions and (well-meaning) sympathetic comments from everywhere.
    Call me cynical, but I expected this, and refused to get excited (which didn’t work – I was starting to do exactly what the blogger said: Imagining life as it would be with our new son (who already had a name, and everything…))so it didn’t hurt me as much as it did the woman who had the baby living in her for nine months.
    But it still hurts.

    Every time she has been pregnant (after the first, anyway,) there has been an increasing level of fear. The next one – if there is a next one; this one came after a “dry spell” of about eight years – will hurt almost as much finding out about the pregnancy as losing it will. (No optimism, here. That has pretty much died, and won’t be back until I’m actually holding a squalling baby.)

    Earlier this evening, I had to endure seeing her sitting on the couch sobbing while deleting facebook messages from well-meaning family members, and asking them to stop posting things.

    So yeah.
    Maybe when you find out that someone has lost a baby, maybe you should just shut the hell up and wait for them to announce whether there will be a memorial. (Someone actually asked. I hate that person now, with a burning ferocity that I usually reserve for bureaucrats.)

  8. This piece is exceptionally beautiful. I can’t thank you enough for sharing your story. I have always told people that a miscarriage is something I wouldn’t even wish upon my own worst enemy. It is a difficult process and many people just don’t know or maybe even comprehend the emotional and physical impact of a miscarriage.

  9. I totally vibe with the “It was meant to be” comments about ANY pregnancy especially when they bring religion into it (unless you know the person and their religious convictions well- ie. you are a close friend and a member of their congregation). When I was in the hospital losing my 19 week old fetus, (I had to have surgery to remove his remains) I had at least four staff members ask me if I “might be pregnant.” Check your ^&%* records and note that I was having surgery BECAUSE I was pregnant. Every time the question was asked it was like they were stabbing me in the gut. A NURSE of all people, who should not have tried to be a chaplain to me even if I wasn’t an atheist, sat down next to me and told me about how this was part of Jesus’ plan for me. I bit my tongue and played nice (all the while thinking “I’m so glad you think God decided to kill my baby” and getting angry that I was having to be generous and comforting to her when that was her job and she was bombing dramatically). It’s still hard because, now that I am 21 weeks pregnant again, people will ask the innocent question “what number is this one for you?” and I want to tell them “this is my fifth pregnancy, but my second child,” but I usually don’t because it isn’t nice and they were only trying to make conversation. I pause to think that comment and then say “second!” and let the conversation turn to the safe topic of my wonderful five year old.

  10. Thank you so much for writing this. After two miscarrages a year apart, I know the pain all too well. I am truly sorry for your loss. I wish I could say the pain would get better. Even at only 5 & 8 weeks I loved Scarlotte Rose & Cheyenne Dawn. My doctor told me the 1st one because I was so young. Grr. I thank you again.

  11. I had a miscarriage in March this year and it was my first even still to this day it hurts I still think about what my life would of been like if it didn’t happen. It took me two years to fall pregnant and from the moment I found out I fell in love with my child. When I had the miscarriage I did get the comments at least you know you can fall pregnant and hearing that does crush you.

  12. Also, “Well, at least you have 3 other kids. SOME people can’t even have 1!”

    Really, anything that starts with, “at least” is right out. There is no silver lining here.

    1. I hear ya – I said the exact thing to my friend the other day (both her and I have had miscarriages this year – “anything that starts with “at least” does not need to be said!” I think people just find it really hard to say nothing when often that is best………

  13. I had 3 miscarriages from 5-11 weeks each time taking around a year to get pregnant.
    From the moment I was pregnant I thought about names and gender and a million other things that someone imagines about their child to be. There are a lot of awake hours in the day that I spent thinking and dreaming about my child.
    I experienced most of the comments you mentioned and also another I would add that stung was “at least you know you can get pregnant”. That one wasn’t helpful either.
    4th time after blood tests investigations ( you need to have 3 miscarriages for them to do this!) I had progesterone support and increased folic acid and asprin, my beautiful girl was finally born. I am so glad I had the strength to keep going and push through the fear and pain, but will also never forget the other little angels that didn’t get to be with me.

  14. I have heard all of those and more, I am not a violent person but believe me I have come close several times. I have lost 7 children and I can tell you still how old they would be now. I do have a daughter who came first before my losses but it doesn’t take away the pain. Another one to add to the list is “at least you can get pregnant” I have gritted my teeth over this one. Sadly I am unable to have any more children, but I will never forget the ones I lost. Thank you for your post xx

  15. I’d also add “There must have been something wrong with the baby, and this was God’s/nature’s way of saving you from having to deal with that. It’s easier this way.” No, it’s not. Both of my miscarried babies would have been cherished and so very loved, even had they been born with a disability.

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