Things We Do To Drive Ourselves Crazy

It’s – it’s hard for me to even write this because my Coulrophobia is so bad, but I feel as if I have to share with y’all because I don’t want anyone else to experience what I experienced. For the uninitiated, coulrophobia is a fear of clowns. I can not handle them. I won’t be …

It’s 2am. The entire house is asleep. The kids are tucked in their beds, Mom and Dad are snoring away in peaceful slumber, even the dog has made a cozy nest and is fast asleep. Night has fallen like a cozy blanket over the house, and the only sound is the air conditioner kicking on …

I’ve always been fascinated with the supernatural world. I can remember as a child pretending to have conversations with angels. In my mind, I figured that since they could see me and hear me, why shouldn’t I talk to them even if I couldn’t see or hear them. For whatever reason, my interest in the …

To start with, this post is probably going to make me look horrible. I swear I’m not. I love my kids. I love my husband. I love love love my family with all of my life and every fiber of my being. But…sometimes it’s a bit much. I mean, the whole family and life and …

Mother’s Day. Just saying the words invoke images of gifts made of crepe paper, frumpy bathrobes, stand mixers, flowery stationary, or maybe a box of chocolates, or grocery-store flowers. Not that I’m not appreciative. These are all great gifts, but let’s get real for a minute. There are some, shall we say, less traditional gifts …

The other night I was laying awake in bed, desperately wanting to talk to someone. The person I thought of came up in my Facebook feed…of this person talking about how someone else is their BFF. This person and I haven’t been as close in the last few years, but I still felt that pang …

Currently it’s May 1st, almost 2pm. I’ve cried four or five times for no reason, I feel like the Apathy Monster has swallowed me and the poor people in my life are shifting into Do Something Mode to throw me a life line. In some sort of odd happenstance, this is all going down on …

Earlier in my marriage, I played a lot of video games. A lot of video games. You might say I played enough World of Warcraft to make it a full time job (one which took money instead of giving it). You probably have opinions on what I should have been doing instead, but let’s table …

When you spend 90% of your day at home, if you’re like me you’re in your pj’s, or if its really nice out I’m in my husband boxers with a baggy t-Shirt. So what….they’re comfortable, it’s literally like wearing nothing at all…and it doesn’t get more comfortable than naked, (unless it’s in public, than no) …

I had this grand dream when my kids were toddlers. We were going to be so happy. They would start school, and things would run as smooth as clockwork. The kids were going to have chores, and appreciate pitching in to help the family. We were going to have delicious family meals every night, where …

I’ve got so much stuff to do. I should be working on my manuscript, working on my pitch for said manuscript for an upcoming writer’s conference, tackle various freelance design jobs, organize a class I’m teaching at a said writer’s conference, keeping my house at human occupation levels, and oh yeah, I’ve got an 8-5 …

I’ve crossed quite a few personal lines in the last three-plus years that I’ve been with my husband. He’s seen my make-up free cheeks in all their blotchy, pink glory. He’s seen the purple half moons that show up under my eyes when I’m tired. He’s seen my greasy hair pulled back in a bun …

What do you think of when I say “fingernails?” For most people, visions of pretty nail polish in every color and acrylic nails with fancy tips dance across their minds. People who work with their hands may think of stubborn grease stains under and around their nails … nothing that a good sandpaper-like washing with …

I don’t know about you, but I think trends are awesome. If it wasn’t for trends, how would be know what to like and how to feel about things? Trends gave us hip-hop, teen comedies, women’s suits with giant shoulder pads…okay, I’m just listing off everything from the ‘80’s (historically known as The Best Decade). …

Our dishwasher broke sometime over the last week, and I didn’t know it but my fiance just kept running the dishwasher assuming that eventually the dishes would get clean. Spoiler: they didn’t. Our dishwasher is busted. Super busted. And it turns out, you never really know someone until you have to wash dishes with them. …

Once those doors opened, my life would be forever changed… It happened when I was 24, almost 25. I had just signed on as an Assistant Manager at a new coffee shop. I was placed at the perfect store, a dream store really, which I was told would be a permanent gig. I had just signed …

It never fails. Some special moment in our lives is coming up, we prepare by picking out the perfect outfit, get all excited and then the day of, or a day before, what happens? Our period starts. It’s like a horrible colossal joke the universe plays on us. So, yeah, period ‘ragrets’? I have a …

When I was thirteen, my dad was bullied out of his job. People decided to spread rumors, his boss used those to fire him, and then his boss told him that fighting back would lose him his severance package. We needed that severance to find a new job and move (again), so my dad kept …

A few weeks ago I had no idea what LuLaRoe was. Despite the fact that there have been several articles about the fashion line have been posted on this very website, I hadn’t done much more than scan them. I got the basic idea. Competitive clothes shopping? No. Freaking. Thank. You. I have to watch …

Today is a bright new day! It is the start of a better, new, healthier me! Time to break out the MyFitnessPal app on my phone, and get this party started right. I’m going to track EVERYTHING I put in my mouth, and track everything I work off in exercise. Let’s do this thing!! What …

Dear Sir:  Ugly women everywhere want to applaud you for making the bold choice to stop dating hot women. We know for a fact that it is a huge sacrifice for you to have to stop dating hot women, and in no way whatsoever their choice for you to stop. Sure, some might be speculating …

I stress out every day. I can’t really help it. It’s part of my job. I work as a newspaper reporter, which is one of the top 10 most stressful jobs a person can have. Every single day I stress about making deadlines, posting stories on Facebook, setting up interviews, taking photos and planning stories …

This is such a painful subject that the conversation is often avoided and yet it occurs far more than most people realize. This is my story…I hope in some way it will help others in similar situations. I’ve given birth to 2 stillborn children: one at 7 1/2 months gestation and the other at 8, …

I’m engaged. It’s still weird to say those words. My boy-er-fiancee and I have been together just under five years. You’d think the progression of dating, co-habitating, and getting married would be pretty standard by now. But it’s still so weird! That’s another post entirely. This one? It’s about…the dress. *gulp* I’m Excited About The …

Not good enough. I feel this way a lot. Do you ever feel this way? Tell me I’m not strange and alone. Maybe it’s that I feel I don’t fit in with any one crowd. I’ve never been smart enough to be the nerd. I don’t know how to play Dungeons and Dragons, I only …

Did you know that April is national Stress Awareness Month? If you’re like me, when you read that you probably laughed and said something along the lines of, “Do I really need to be more aware of my stress?” The answer is, yes. You do. Because knowing you’re stressed is half the battle. 5 Ways …

Quick! Picture someone with autism! I’ve got a whole dollar that says you pictured a cherub faced, 10 year old white kid with blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes. It’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with you. I picture a cherub faced 10 year old white kid with blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes, too. I’m …

As everyone who has ever had major surgery knows, they never let you go home until you’ve had a bowel movement. They have to make sure the anesthetic didn’t effect the bowels and so even when you’re ready to get out of those horrible hospital beds and midnight interruptions awaking you to make sure you’re …

I saw a meme the other day that perfectly captured my relationship with my future husband. I can’t find it, no amount of googling has made it resurface, so I figured I’d blog about it. The night I met my fiancee is stuck in my head like an award winning movie. I can almost remember …

In my ongoing decent into eccentric aunt territory, I have become…a knitter. A person who knits in public. And like a lot of knitters, I will wax poetic about how much I love to knit, and how soothing the rhythm of the needles can be, blah blah blah. But when I have my knitting out (because …

Now, let me start by saying that I am an extremely clumsy person and even if there is nothing in my way, I will find a way to trip over my own two feet. With that being said, the day we got a working dryer, I somehow found a way to shatter the glass to …

“He ran head-first through a crowded parking lot. Terrible Twos? Am I right?” “It’s okay if he had a meltdown during his baseball game and had to be drug off the field. Boys will be boys.” “So he spent all day at school hiding under his desk, hands cupped over his ears, screaming at the …

I’m a product of the 80’s so for my time, Nair was the big thing for hair removal (I’m talking the bikini area). Effective, painless, but like shaving it grew back so fast that I was scratching my girly bits from regrowth a day after I’d done it. That’s always attractive, “No, I don’t have crabs…why …

Let me start out by saying I hate bees and if you ever see me running away hysterically for no reason is because there is a bee within 5 feet of me. Most people tell me that it is an irrational fear and that bees are more scared of us then the other way around. …

My daughter is nine. When I say she’s nine, I mean she thinks she’s 25. She is one of the most stubborn people I have ever come across. She gets these ideas in her head, and there is no deterring her. She thinks she is in control of every aspect of her life, and it’s …

I have always been a resolution person. I can’t STAND unresolved issues. If someone is upset with me or visa versa, I like to confront and resolve as soon as possible so I can get on with my life and my mind can focus on more positive and productive things. This week, I learned a …

I had no idea that mosquitoes were back. I never got that newsletter, that email, that breaking news alert that they had returned, apparently in droves, to Central Florida. I wish I had known that they were back, because then I never would have gone outside at dusk. I have my mother to thank for …

Teenagers are awful. The are as close to nature flipping parents the finger as you can get. And yeah, we’ve all got those friends who are all, “My kids aren’t like that. My kids are amazing. Maybe if you’d parented differently your kids could be angels, too.” Yeah, trust me: their little Dylan and Petal …

I’m out to dinner with my husband when the screeching starts. I roll my eyes, looking at the child standing backwards in the booth in front of me. She starts to bounce up and down on the pleather seat, as she continues to screech and laugh. Her mother tries to get her to turn around …

My brother got married last weekend. I’m so happy for him! His new wife is super cool! I was my brother’s Best Grooms-Lady so I had to look snazzy. The day before the wedding, my then sister-in-law-to-be and I treated ourselves to a mani and pedi. I’d never had fake nails before because I was …

We live in a world where we are our own island, adrift in this ocean and sometimes we find others like ourselves we can group together with as friends, form a community and prosper. One of the great things about having people in your life is that, the really good friends, can call you on …

Last week we were about to go see Rogue One finally. Yes, finally. I was trying to pick out something to wear and was feeling Star-Wars-Festive. I have this really cool, long sleeved Star Wars shirt and figured I’d wear that. But the leggings I own that match it were all dirty. Which meant I’d …

My family are idiots. I honestly don’t know how they’ve survived this long. They don’t have the basic life skills that I learned when I was young. I mean, I can be lazy. Sometimes I’ll even sleep the day away if I find a nice sunny spot. But my family takes it to a whole …

Have you ever wanted a job for which you are COMPLETELY unqualified? I mean, you wanted it so bad that you could see yourself doing this job when you closed your eyes at night. You planned out, not even realizing you were doing so, what you would do in this fantastical position. You obsessed over …

Like many other addicts before me I thought, “It will never happen to me.” I dabbled a little here, and a tried it a little there, each time getting drawn deeper and deeper into the lifestyle. “It isn’t a problem,” I told myself as I was in the beginning throws of what would become my …

I’ll never forget being on a company retreat. I was maybe twenty-five or six at the time and my COO was in the bathroom primping for the evening activity along with one other employee. They were discussing weird hair they were getting in their later years in life. They turned toward me, laughed and said, …

Poor April, April the giraffe. She doesn’t even know she has become an internet and media sensation. April with the upside down heart spot on the left side of her neck, who rarely leaves her birthing stall, and has her baby daddy, Oliver, in the next stall over. Yes, we’ve all been glued to the …

I am going to tell you the true story of how I was the most gullible child ever. And about how my family tricked me into believing the “Falling Rock” sign was actually a missing child sign… The Time My Family Tricked Me Into Believing A Street Sign Was An Old-Time Version Of An Amber …

Okay, class, say it together with me: global warming is not real! When I was in high school there were all these news reports about how hairspray caused a hole in the ozone layer, but we still have hairspray. Plus, if there was a hole in the ozone don’t you think things would be flying …

Until I moved to Fort Worth, I think I got called to jury duty more often than some people go to the dentist. That’s what happens when you live in a county with more cattle than people. It wasn’t exactly a crime-riddled area, but when you did have a local offender, you had to go …

I guess this is a post I need to write once a year or something. The other day I was scrolling Facebook and saw a meme that was shared by someone from some new, non LuLaRoe legging company that shall not be named. Please note, this was a meme posted on this company’s, I guess, official …

For those of you who are terrified of the dentist, you are not alone. It doesn’t help that my first visit to the dentist was far too late in life….. *cringes* 24. By then the damage was done. A broken tooth, four wisdom teeth that need extracting and 9 cavities that needed filled. We won’t …

A friend of mine sent me a link about how creepy an author found Daddy-Daughter Dances and Daddy-Daughter Date Nights. The author wrote that the whole concept was weird and patriarchal and all those buzzwords insufferable people like to throw around. This piece really jammed me up because that very next night was our Daddy …

It happened last Saturday. So it’s been a couple of weeks since I last spent time with my mom and I decided we needed a girl’s day out. Woke up early, picked her up, and we hit the town. Between our excursions to Pier 1, Ulta, and Old Navy there was no time to really …

I’ve just finished going to the bathroom. Okay, you got me, I was pooping. Let’s get real, we all do it. I go to wipe, and I’m greeted with an empty role of toilet paper on the holder attached to the bathroom wall. Just an empty tube of cardboard stares back at me. Not even …

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and while many on Twitter are bragging about their romantic plans or lamenting the lack of a date, these fine men and women know what we really want — to be entertained.  I’ve compiled 21 thoroughly wacky tweets about love, dating, and massive exasperation guaranteed to make you laugh. 21 Funny Tweets In …

Gravity and I aren’t on the best of terms. We’ve had an ongoing battle for most of my life. And just when I think I’ve got the upper hand, gravity makes an appearance. Usually this happens at the worst possible moment – like the time I face-planted (totally not my fault!) onto the pavement in …

This year we’re really trying to cut costs. Since I’ve transitioned to writing full time I’m always looking for ways to save a buck. The other week we decided to visit our new dollar store and load up on some essential items where cost cutting is allowed. We were strolling the aisles, looking for some …

I know all you moms with teenagers can understand the dread of housecleaning day. Since my daughter was able to start picking up her own toys, we’ve cleaned house on Sundays. It’s our day. The day to prepare for the week: get laundry, dusting, vacuuming, toilets scrubbed, floors washed, sheets changed on the beds, housecleaning, crank up …

A few months ago my brother, J.J., and I visited my Dad’s house. Dad needed some help with a few things around the house and that called for some extra man-power. Fortunately, we got the water heater installed. Unfortunately, it didn’t work. We had to wait until the next day to call the hotline (Ha!) …

You can’t step outside without cringing at the desperate weeping in the streets. I look around and all I see are a bunch of children who can’t believe they’ve lost. They can’t believe the rules were not in their favor. How dare someone beat them at their own game! These kids haven’t learned to be …

I love my boyfriend. We have a solid relationship built on love, trust, and mutual care of our three cat overlords. I say this because sometimes when you have cats things…happen. And when said things happen (read poo gets stuck in fur, fur must be cleaned), it’s usually a two-person job. Thus I have learned, …

Awww. Sweet relief. Baby cries. Mommy cries. Ladies in masks and gowns smile with their eyes, and declare their congratulations across the hustle and bustle of a busy room. I just gave birth to my first child, my beautiful, perfect daughter. Only, I’m not done yet. And somehow I forgot…the placenta. What It’s Like Giving …

My whole life, I’ve been part of a family that teased each other. It’s a sign of affection and comfort, and the cleverest zings are the funniest. The goal is to make each other laugh, not to hurt anyone’s feelings… which is why no one teases me about my housekeeping. I am a terrible housewife. …

As the result of a car wreck in late 2012 (thanks to a texting man who rear-ended me at a yield sign), I was forced to have nasal reconstruction surgery: Septoplasty with osteotomy and grafts. Let’s just say it: medically necessary nose job. Without this procedure, I would have remained with one nostril collapsed with …

My boyfriend and I have been together a while now. We’re beyond the honeymoon stage and firmly into making this our happy life together, crazy as those words sound. But I didn’t really know how much he loved me, until he got me Depends. Yes, Depends. As in, adult diapers. You Know It’s True Love …

Have you ever been eating a nice meal and then the person next to you sounds like a cow chewing its cud? It’s enough to make you want to jump out of your seat and scream at them to chew with their mouth closed..oh wait, their mouth is closed…they just chew entirely too loud..or their …

I never aspired to be Popular with a capital “P.” Not in the cliche clique sense. No, my #lifegoal has always been to be a Cool Geek Girl…but I’m pretty sure I haven’t leveled up past Nerd. In fact, I think I might have blown the whole thing by getting an Apple Watch. I’ve always owned Macs, every since …

Over the past few months, I’ve kinda enjoyed being on my own. A good relationship used to be really important. It was a sign of maturity. A thing to show how far I’d come in life. I come from a place where people marry young comparatively nowadays. For the most part it was like, “Okay, you had …

When I was studying for my degree, we shared a campus, as well as some faculty, with the medical school. My neurology professor—whose clinical stories pretty much guaranteed I would never ride a motorcycle or try to shoot myself in the head—also talked about this thing medical students do where whatever disorder or disease they’re …

It’s like a picture taken straight from the scene of a horror movie: You walk into your kitchen, and find the cabinets wide open. You look down. Two drawers are pulled out, like something was riffling through them looking for a spoon. You quickly shut them, trying not to think about that movie you just watched …

A little over a year ago my personal dating profile could have read something like: ‘Crazy workaholic cat lady who loves wild weekends with big books and bottomless pots of dark roast coffees looking for Mr. Right Now to help keep her gossip interesting and her reputation questionable.’ No shame. Who knew things would change …

I come from a long line of knitters. I remember being at my grandmother’s house, and she would knit while we watched the Cowboys games on TV. The worse things would get for the Cowboys, the faster and stabbier she would knit. Some seasons she got an awful lot of sweaters knit in a short …

Let’s face it – we all want to present the better side of ourselves to our (future) spouses, and their families, and while the ones we love will eventually become aware of all of our flaws, as we will become aware of theirs, it is human nature to try to convince our in-laws that we …

I’m adding to the list of things I wish I hadn’t done after getting engaged. First up was simply not telling anyone I was engaged. This week it’s wedding groups. I Will Cut The Next Bitch Who Adds Me To A Wedding Group See, I joined a couple because I figured I’d troll them for …

It’s 2017, and by now I’ve seen a hundred different, “New year, new me!” and “My top Ten Resolutions for the Year!” type posts, blogs and instagram shots. Just…no. I Resolve To NOT There’s some kind of weird Kool-aid people drink at the dawn of every new year, as though the turning of a calendar …

For many years, January was a dreaded month for me.  After a few months of lighter crowds due to holiday travel and weather, using the squat rack and bench presses as I please, and training at any hour of the day, the dream was over.  A New Year meant an onslaught of “Resolutionists” (as I …

America, we’ve got a big problem. I know I say that a lot, but this time the problem actually affects me. We’ve got a dirty clothes epidemic. This week I became a semi-stay-at-home-dad. I’m adjusting to a world of play-dates and lunchboxes and laundry, and I’ve got to tell you…I’m not washing this fecking laundry …

Yeah, so the generation of cell phone addicts that I have been making fun of for the last eight months or so? Turns out that I am one of them. I debated never telling a living soul (other than my husband who was with me when we found out), but then I realized my embarrassment …

I just lied to my kid’s teacher. Straight up flat out lied like a bandit. Really, I totally lied to her. I walked in late with my daughter to preschool and the teacher says to me–Is the Discovery bag (Show and Tell bag with snacks) out in your car? *Panic Face* Dammit. I Just Lied …

At the time of writing this I’ve been engaged (that’s such a weird word to use in regards to…well…me) for almost five whole days. My long time boyfriend proposed on New Year’s Day. We waited a few days to tell family and close friends. This was, essentially, to ease ourselves into the chaos that is the …

Dear White People, this last year was pretty rough, but I hope that we can duck our heads and briskly walk away like we do every time homeless people ask us for loose change. I was ready to approach these next few months with an abundance of post-WWII level optimism until MTV released a terribly …

Look, this is going to make me sound like some kind of hipster-nerd, but seriously, when I was in middle school, reading a book with a dragon on the cover was social suicide. You liked Star Trek? Obviously you lived in your mom’s basement. You dressed as a wizard for Halloween? You were doomed to die a virgin. Now, …

Remember when gender used to be simple? If you were a boy, you hated girls. If you were a girl, you hated boys. Our kids will never know the simplicity of living in a world where it was totally okay to hate someone different than you. Over the last couple of years I’ve had to …

Last weekend my boyfriend tip-toed into my office. I was on a triple book deadline. One needed to be formatted, another needed to be revised and the third…oh the third needed huge rewrites. I was stressed and dreading a weekend with both my boyfriend and step-son underfoot. I love them, but some days I swear …

I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you probably had a lot of goals for 2016 that didn’t get done. Resolutions, goals, wishes, and bucket list items…all those things. No? Just me, then? When it comes to good practices or goal setting, New Year’s Day is pretty arbitrary. It’s not like …

There are a lot of things people do when they grow up. Their taxes, of course. Replacing old mattresses when they get worn. Eat oatmeal. Buy condiments… While I’m completely for replacing that old mattress and making sure Uncle Sam gets his due, I will probably never, ever buy ketchup that comes in the bottle. …

I literally counted down the hours until Christmas was finally over because I was on the verge of a complete breakdown. Like full on Dionne in Clueless type breakdown! Now That Christmas Is Over, Can I Please Have My Mental Breakdown? I did have a meltdown the day after Christmas and it was pretty ugly. I …

Princess Leia changed my life. This is not hyperbole. I come from a pre-Katniss, pre-Buffy-the-Vampire-Slayer, pre-Hillary-Clinton era. I know this makes me sound old, but I grew up in Texas, so subtract like ten years from the female empowerment timeline. Oh, we had Governor Ann Richards, but she was considered an aberration. There was Ripley …

If you’ve seen that meme about someone drinking and Priming (Amazon Prime that is)… that’s me. It’s not my house, but I’m that person. Can it be ordered online? Can I schedule a pick up and never have to go into the store? I’m that person. Which is kind of funny since, yanno, I’m an …

You might not know this, but blogs aren’t always written in order. You might get a kick butt Arbor Day blog idea, but Bastille Day is just around the corner. What are you suppose to do? Post one holiday’s blog the same time as another? That would be stupid. Plus, I hate how Big Arbor …

When I was little, we couldn’t even go to the mall after Thanksgiving. The department stores were okay, Mom tells me, but as soon as we approached the main mall where SANTA CLAUS was, I’d start screaming like I was being murdered. Now that Santa shows up around Halloween, I can’t let it dominate my …

When I was a little kid, my Christmases were fairly predictable. My brother and I would fall asleep on Christmas Eve somewhere after 1 AM (we were, of course, in bed by 9 PM but Christmas morning excitement is a hell of a drug). As soon as it was light enough to see, we’d bolt …

I love giving gifts, but I hate shopping for them. I mean, HATE it. It isn’t that I’m indecisive. I know that when I see the right thing for somebody, I’ll know it. And by God, I’m going to keep looking until I find it. That’s why I cheat. I’m a Cheaty McCheaterson when it …

When my dad was a kid, he and his brother got these barber-pole sized peppermint candy canes in their Christmas stockings. Being boys, and being presented with more candy than they probably saw all year—because it was the olden days, when he had to walk to school in a snowstorm, uphill both ways—they each ate …

Whether you are a seasoned chef or a backseat baker with a thousand viewing hours of Chopped, there are lots of little tips and tricks to getting the perfect pastry. Unfortunately we usually only figure them out after an epic baking fail. Here are some hard earned bits of baking wisdom that I’ve learned from …

So a few years back, after 20 years of successful adulting, life went sideways and I ended up living back with my parents. It has been a unique opportunity to become better acquainted with my family, but what has struck me most has been the opportunity to get in touch with my inner self. No, …

Working at Starbuck during the holiday season is its own type of pumpkin spice flavored hell, but you don’t think about those poor baristas stuck listening to the same songs for six to eight hours. Shuffled or not, it’s enough to make you want to drown yourself in the coffee urn. I swear if I had …

Furniture. Every time things get tough I move furniture. Am I alone in this? It’s sort of a joke in my family that we don’t particularly like change. And by “joke” I mean one of those things that’s funny until it’s not. My grandmother, for instance, has not moved a stick of furniture within my …

I was young when my doctor told me I wouldn’t be able to conceive without help—medical help, I mean, not the usual two-to-tango type. It sucked, but infertility runs in my family and having drawn the short straw in my generation, at least I found out early. I had plenty of time to think about …