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How To Murder Your Teenager, And Where To Hide The Body

Teenagers are awful. The are as close to nature flipping parents the finger as you can get. And yeah, we’ve all got those friends who are all, “My kids aren’t like that. My kids are amazing. Maybe if you’d parented differently your kids could be angels, too.” Yeah, trust me: their little Dylan and Petal …

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How My Opinion Of ‘Bad Parents’ Changed After I Had Kids

I’m out to dinner with my husband when the screeching starts. I roll my eyes, looking at the child standing backwards in the booth in front of me. She starts to bounce up and down on the pleather seat, as she continues to screech and laugh. Her mother tries to get her to turn around …

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Sometimes It’s Not Anyone’s Place To Tell You What To Do

We live in a world where we are our own island, adrift in this ocean and sometimes we find others like ourselves we can group together with as friends, form a community and prosper. One of the great things about having people in your life is that, the really good friends, can call you on …

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A Hunter’s Guide To Dealing With An Ungrateful Family

My family are idiots. I honestly don’t know how they’ve survived this long. They don’t have the basic life skills that I learned when I was young. I mean, I can be lazy. Sometimes I’ll even sleep the day away if I find a nice sunny spot. But my family takes it to a whole …

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Is There A 12-Step Program For Saving Facebook Food Links?

Like many other addicts before me I thought, “It will never happen to me.” I dabbled a little here, and a tried it a little there, each time getting drawn deeper and deeper into the lifestyle. “It isn’t a problem,” I told myself as I was in the beginning throws of what would become my …

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I’m Pretty Sure I’m Part Yeti, Or At Very Least Related To The First Bearded Lady…

I’ll never forget being on a company retreat. I was maybe twenty-five or six at the time and my COO was in the bathroom primping for the evening activity along with one other employee. They were discussing weird hair they were getting in their later years in life. They turned toward me, laughed and said, …

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…And I’m Just Waitin’ For A Pregnant Giraffe To Poop Out A Baby

Poor April, April the giraffe. She doesn’t even know she has become an internet and media sensation. April with the upside down heart spot on the left side of her neck, who rarely leaves her birthing stall, and has her baby daddy, Oliver, in the next stall over. Yes, we’ve all been glued to the …

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The Time My Family Tricked Me Into Believing A Street Sign Was An Old-Time Version Of An Amber Alert

I am going to tell you the true story of how I was the most gullible child ever. And about how my family tricked me into believing the “Falling Rock” sign was actually a missing child sign… The Time My Family Tricked Me Into Believing A Street Sign Was An Old-Time Version Of An Amber …

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About The Time I Was Left Unsupervised In A Room With 4-Million Worth Of Cocaine…

Until I moved to Fort Worth, I think I got called to jury duty more often than some people go to the dentist. That’s what happens when you live in a county with more cattle than people. It wasn’t exactly a crime-riddled area, but when you did have a local offender, you had to go …

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Going To The Dentist Is Like Being Abducted By Aliens

For those of you who are terrified of the dentist, you are not alone. It doesn’t help that my first visit to the dentist was far too late in life….. *cringes* 24. By then the damage was done. A broken tooth, four wisdom teeth that need extracting and 9 cavities that needed filled. We won’t …

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Daddy-Daughter Dates And Why They’re Essential

A friend of mine sent me a link about how creepy an author found Daddy-Daughter Dances and Daddy-Daughter Date Nights. The author wrote that the whole concept was weird and patriarchal and all those buzzwords insufferable people like to throw around. This piece really jammed me up because that very next night was our Daddy …

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I Really Thought I Would Pee Myself Less As An Adult…

It happened last Saturday. So it’s been a couple of weeks since I last spent time with my mom and I decided we needed a girl’s day out. Woke up early, picked her up, and we hit the town. Between our excursions to Pier 1, Ulta, and Old Navy there was no time to really …

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Could Someone Please Tell My Family The Toilet Paper Fairy Doesn’t Exist?

I’ve just finished going to the bathroom. Okay, you got me, I was pooping. Let’s get real, we all do it. I go to wipe, and I’m greeted with an empty role of toilet paper on the holder attached to the bathroom wall. Just an empty tube of cardboard stares back at me. Not even …

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21 Funny Tweets In Honor of Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and while many on Twitter are bragging about their romantic plans or lamenting the lack of a date, these fine men and women know what we really want — to be entertained.  I’ve compiled 21 thoroughly wacky tweets about love, dating, and massive exasperation guaranteed to make you laugh. 21 Funny Tweets In …

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Three Times That Prove Gravity Is Out To Get Me

Gravity and I aren’t on the best of terms. We’ve had an ongoing battle for most of my life. And just when I think I’ve got the upper hand, gravity makes an appearance. Usually this happens at the worst possible moment – like the time I face-planted (totally not my fault!) onto the pavement in …

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How I Learned Not To Use Dollar Store Razors Near My Lady Bits…

This year we’re really trying to cut costs. Since I’ve transitioned to writing full time I’m always looking for ways to save a buck. The other week we decided to visit our new dollar store and load up on some essential items where cost cutting is allowed. We were strolling the aisles, looking for some …

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The Unexpected Joy Of Cleaning With My Teenager

I know all you moms with teenagers can understand the dread of housecleaning day. Since my daughter was able to start picking up her own toys, we’ve cleaned house on Sundays. It’s our day. The day to prepare for the week: get laundry, dusting, vacuuming, toilets scrubbed, floors washed, sheets changed on the beds, housecleaning, crank up …

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That Time I Ate Bugs To Get The Taste Of Foot Out Of My Mouth

A few months ago my brother, J.J., and I visited my Dad’s house. Dad needed some help with a few things around the house and that called for some extra man-power. Fortunately, we got the water heater installed. Unfortunately, it didn’t work. We had to wait until the next day to call the hotline (Ha!) …

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I Have No Problem With Beating My Kids

You can’t step outside without cringing at the desperate weeping in the streets. I look around and all I see are a bunch of children who can’t believe they’ve lost. They can’t believe the rules were not in their favor. How dare someone beat them at their own game! These kids haven’t learned to be …

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How Bathing A Cat Shows What Kind Of Relationship You Have

I love my boyfriend. We have a solid relationship built on love, trust, and mutual care of our three cat overlords. I say this because sometimes when you have cats things…happen. And when said things happen (read poo gets stuck in fur, fur must be cleaned), it’s usually a two-person job. Thus I have learned, …

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What It’s Like Giving Birth…To The Placenta

Awww. Sweet relief. Baby cries. Mommy cries. Ladies in masks and gowns smile with their eyes, and declare their congratulations across the hustle and bustle of a busy room. I just gave birth to my first child, my beautiful, perfect daughter. Only, I’m not done yet. And somehow I forgot…the placenta. What It’s Like Giving …

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Wanna Turn Chores Into A Game? There’s An App For That…

My whole life, I’ve been part of a family that teased each other. It’s a sign of affection and comfort, and the cleverest zings are the funniest. The goal is to make each other laugh, not to hurt anyone’s feelings… which is why no one teases me about my housekeeping. I am a terrible housewife. …

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When You’re In Your Thirties And Having To ‘Get Some Work Done…’

As the result of a car wreck in late 2012 (thanks to a texting man who rear-ended me at a yield sign), I was forced to have nasal reconstruction surgery: Septoplasty with osteotomy and grafts. Let’s just say it: medically necessary nose job. Without this procedure, I would have remained with one nostril collapsed with …

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You Know It’s True Love When He Buys You Depends

My boyfriend and I have been together a while now. We’re beyond the honeymoon stage and firmly into making this our happy life together, crazy as those words sound. But I didn’t really know how much he loved me, until he got me Depends. Yes, Depends. As in, adult diapers. You Know It’s True Love …

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I Love My Apple Watch, But Apparently That Makes Me Uncool…

I never aspired to be Popular with a capital “P.” Not in the cliche clique sense. No, my #lifegoal has always been to be a Cool Geek Girl…but I’m pretty sure I haven’t leveled up past Nerd. In fact, I think I might have blown the whole thing by getting an Apple Watch. I’ve always owned Macs, every since …

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Five Things Every Woman Should Demand In Relationships

Over the past few months, I’ve kinda enjoyed being on my own. A good relationship used to be really important. It was a sign of maturity. A thing to show how far I’d come in life. I come from a place where people marry young comparatively nowadays. For the most part it was like, “Okay, you had …

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That Time I Got A Brain Parasite

When I was studying for my degree, we shared a campus, as well as some faculty, with the medical school. My neurology professor—whose clinical stories pretty much guaranteed I would never ride a motorcycle or try to shoot myself in the head—also talked about this thing medical students do where whatever disorder or disease they’re …

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If I Find The Cabinets Doors Left Open ONE MORE TIME…

It’s like a picture taken straight from the scene of a horror movie: You walk into your kitchen, and find the cabinets wide open. You look down. Two drawers are pulled out, like something was riffling through them looking for a spoon. You quickly shut them, trying not to think about that movie you just watched …

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A Year Ago I Didn’t Want Kids, Now I Live For Mustard Bombs And Maniacal Baby Giggles…

A little over a year ago my personal dating profile could have read something like: ‘Crazy workaholic cat lady who loves wild weekends with big books and bottomless pots of dark roast coffees looking for Mr. Right Now to help keep her gossip interesting and her reputation questionable.’ No shame. Who knew things would change …

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They Don’t Really Go To Church – And 4 Other Lies Your Inlaws Would Have You Believe

Let’s face it – we all want to present the better side of ourselves to our (future) spouses, and their families, and while the ones we love will eventually become aware of all of our flaws, as we will become aware of theirs, it is human nature to try to convince our in-laws that we …

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I Will Cut The Next Bitch Who Adds Me To A Wedding Group

I’m adding to the list of things I wish I hadn’t done after getting engaged. First up was simply not telling anyone I was engaged. This week it’s wedding groups. I Will Cut The Next Bitch Who Adds Me To A Wedding Group See, I joined a couple because I figured I’d troll them for …

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Don’t Give Up On That Gym Resolution, Your Future Self Is Counting On You!

For many years, January was a dreaded month for me.  After a few months of lighter crowds due to holiday travel and weather, using the squat rack and bench presses as I please, and training at any hour of the day, the dream was over.  A New Year meant an onslaught of “Resolutionists” (as I …

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When You Sniff Your Kids Clothes To See What’s Still Clean, And Then Find Poo…

America, we’ve got a big problem. I know I say that a lot, but this time the problem actually affects me. We’ve got a dirty clothes epidemic. This week I became a semi-stay-at-home-dad. I’m adjusting to a world of play-dates and lunchboxes and laundry, and I’ve got to tell you…I’m not washing this fecking laundry …

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Turns Out I’m A Millennial, And I Reject That Notion!

Yeah, so the generation of cell phone addicts that I have been making fun of for the last eight months or so? Turns out that I am one of them. I debated never telling a living soul (other than my husband who was with me when we found out), but then I realized my embarrassment …

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Telling People I Got Engaged Was A Huge Mistake

At the time of writing this I’ve been engaged (that’s such a weird word to use in regards to…well…me) for almost five whole days. My long time boyfriend proposed on New Year’s Day. We waited a few days to tell family and close friends. This was, essentially, to ease ourselves into the chaos that is the …

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When Did ‘Adorkable’ Become Mainstream?

Look, this is going to make me sound like some kind of hipster-nerd, but seriously, when I was in middle school, reading a book with a dragon on the cover was social suicide. You liked Star Trek? Obviously you lived in your mom’s basement. You dressed as a wizard for Halloween? You were doomed to die a virgin. Now, …

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I Feel Like The Politically Correct, Gender Neutral World Is Trying To Steal My Manhood

Remember when gender used to be simple? If you were a boy, you hated girls. If you were a girl, you hated boys. Our kids will never know the simplicity of living in a world where it was totally okay to hate someone different than you. Over the last couple of years I’ve had to …

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About When I Was Home Alone And Googled My Vertigo Symptoms…

Last weekend my boyfriend tip-toed into my office. I was on a triple book deadline. One needed to be formatted, another needed to be revised and the third…oh the third needed huge rewrites. I was stressed and dreading a weekend with both my boyfriend and step-son underfoot. I love them, but some days I swear …

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One-Hour Ways To Keep Your Resolutions

I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you probably had a lot of goals for 2016 that didn’t get done. Resolutions, goals, wishes, and bucket list items…all those things. No? Just me, then? When it comes to good practices or goal setting, New Year’s Day is pretty arbitrary. It’s not like …

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Why I Refuse To Buy Bottled Ketchup (And Other Things I’ll Never Buy)

There are a lot of things people do when they grow up. Their taxes, of course. Replacing old mattresses when they get worn. Eat oatmeal. Buy condiments… While I’m completely for replacing that old mattress and making sure Uncle Sam gets his due, I will probably never, ever buy ketchup that comes in the bottle. …

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Now That Christmas Is Over, Can I Please Have My Mental Breakdown?

I literally counted down the hours until Christmas was finally over because I was on the verge of a complete breakdown. Like full on Dionne in Clueless type breakdown! Now That Christmas Is Over, Can I Please Have My Mental Breakdown? I did have a meltdown the day after Christmas and it was pretty ugly. I …

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How Princess Leia Changed The World

Princess Leia changed my life. This is not hyperbole. I come from a pre-Katniss, pre-Buffy-the-Vampire-Slayer, pre-Hillary-Clinton era. I know this makes me sound old, but I grew up in Texas, so subtract like ten years from the female empowerment timeline. Oh, we had Governor Ann Richards, but she was considered an aberration. There was Ripley …

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Christmas Eve Eve Shopping Is The Worst!

If you’ve seen that meme about someone drinking and Priming (Amazon Prime that is)… that’s me. It’s not my house, but I’m that person. Can it be ordered online? Can I schedule a pick up and never have to go into the store? I’m that person. Which is kind of funny since, yanno, I’m an …

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It’s Okay To Not Hate Your Weird Relatives This Christmas

You might not know this, but blogs aren’t always written in order. You might get a kick butt Arbor Day blog idea, but Bastille Day is just around the corner. What are you suppose to do? Post one holiday’s blog the same time as another? That would be stupid. Plus, I hate how Big Arbor …

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Santa Is Creepier Than The Creepiest Clown

When I was little, we couldn’t even go to the mall after Thanksgiving. The department stores were okay, Mom tells me, but as soon as we approached the main mall where SANTA CLAUS was, I’d start screaming like I was being murdered. Now that Santa shows up around Halloween, I can’t let it dominate my …

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Remembering Christmases Past And Missing My Family…

When I was a little kid, my Christmases were fairly predictable. My brother and I would fall asleep on Christmas Eve somewhere after 1 AM (we were, of course, in bed by 9 PM but Christmas morning excitement is a hell of a drug). As soon as it was light enough to see, we’d bolt …

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9 Ways To Survive Christmas Without Driving Yourself (And Everyone Around You) Insane

I love giving gifts, but I hate shopping for them. I mean, HATE it. It isn’t that I’m indecisive. I know that when I see the right thing for somebody, I’ll know it. And by God, I’m going to keep looking until I find it. That’s why I cheat. I’m a Cheaty McCheaterson when it …

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What To Do When You’re Sick Of Santa (And Christmas In General)…

When my dad was a kid, he and his brother got these barber-pole sized peppermint candy canes in their Christmas stockings. Being boys, and being presented with more candy than they probably saw all year—because it was the olden days, when he had to walk to school in a snowstorm, uphill both ways—they each ate …

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When You’re A Double-Ply Girl Stuck Living A Single-Ply Life…

So a few years back, after 20 years of successful adulting, life went sideways and I ended up living back with my parents. It has been a unique opportunity to become better acquainted with my family, but what has struck me most has been the opportunity to get in touch with my inner self. No, …

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10 Holiday Songs That You’re Probably Not Sick Of

Working at Starbuck during the holiday season is its own type of pumpkin spice flavored hell, but you don’t think about those poor baristas stuck listening to the same songs for six to eight hours. Shuffled or not, it’s enough to make you want to drown yourself in the coffee urn. I swear if I had …

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Confession: Every Time Things Get Tough, I Move…

Furniture. Every time things get tough I move furniture. Am I alone in this? It’s sort of a joke in my family that we don’t particularly like change. And by “joke” I mean one of those things that’s funny until it’s not. My grandmother, for instance, has not moved a stick of furniture within my …

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Christmas For Women Struggling With Fertility…

I was young when my doctor told me I wouldn’t be able to conceive without help—medical help, I mean, not the usual two-to-tango type. It sucked, but infertility runs in my family and having drawn the short straw in my generation, at least I found out early. I had plenty of time to think about …

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Why We Have Not One…But Seven…Christmas Trees

You read that right, we don’t have one Christmas tree. We have seven. Believe it or not, that’s our version of compromise. When two people move in together not all things are going to be wonderfully in synch. For as great as my boyfriend and I have combined our lives there are some things we …

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The Stress Of Being A Christmas Procrastinator…

Now, it may not seem like a habit that requires professional help, but shopping in December can be just as overwhelming as last minute Thanksgiving day shopping. Every single store is jam-packed with annoying people like me and it is always a fight to get to the section you need to (especially if you’re a …

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What To Get For The Hoarder Who Has Everything

My family has a tendency to over-do Christmas. My Mom especially liked to give everyone lots of presents. It’s how she showed her love and it’s how I tend to show mine. Since she passed a few years ago, Christmas has taken on even more meaning since it was so much her holiday. The days …

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Stop Telling People How To Celebrate The Holidays

I’m a serious, die-hard Christmas’er. Maybe because I’m a December baby, but I go all in. Like, seriously all in. Just about every room in our house has a Christmas tree. I’ve got wreathes of Christmas cards. I used to be That Person who sent personalized letters every year. One of our biggest goals was …

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When I Ruined the Roast Beef

“Does this taste a little, um… perfumy to you?” Two things you should know before I go any further. First, my super duper Mr. Incredible never ever complains about my cooking.  He is the best!  Next, there is usually nothing to complain about, my cooking is normally pretty reliable.  Except for that one time, when …

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The Year Everyone Got A Present…Except Me…

I’ll never forget our first Christmas together…because it was an emotional disaster. We’d just settled down after years of dating, bought a house and it just so happened that we were going to have the children. Due to other circumstances the kids had never gotten the chance to have a truly festive holiday with their …

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Can We All Just Agree That Bras Are The Worst?

Earlier this year my favorite bra, from a company who recently closed, died a rather mortifying death. The underwire popped up from the boob valley, sticking out of my cleavage while having dinner with friends. My second favorite died about a month ago, by also snapping in half and cutting me. Basically, I’m having a …

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Why I’m Thankful That The 2016 US Presidential Election Taught Me That I’m A Judgmental Bitch

I don’t think we’ve ever seen a political fight like the fight between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. Not in my lifetime, possibly not ever. Maybe that’s because the internet wasn’t as big a player in the election process before now, maybe for some other reason, but this election cycle was a beat-down. I, for …

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5 Things We Don’t Want For Christmas

I know I know – before you all throw me under a bus for being an ungrateful scrooge, hear me out. I am kind and thoughtful.  I am appreciative.  I have experienced both the haves and the have nots. We do practice gratitude and being thankful for what we have.  While we don’t necessarily revel …

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The Butterfly Effect Of Bad Handwriting

While perusing Reddit the other day I came across a post asking “What is one seemingly inconsequential decision have you made that changed your life?” Many of the responses were along the lines of randomly deciding to be nice to the new kid and thereby making a new best friend for life. Another recounted the …

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I Give Up. I Hate Overnight Oats

All year I’ve seen these artfully prepared mason jar breakfasts people call overnight oats. It looks like something that came out of a baby’s back-end, but they’re all the rage. I wasn’t totally sold on the concept, so I held out until our latest breakfast staple got a little boring and we needed to do something …

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I Don’t Want Kids. What Does This Mean For My Love Life?

I don’t want children, and that’s okay. I’m 26 years old, and I’ve been thinking about this for nearly a decade. There’s just one problem with being 26, single, and choosing not to have children. Dating. I don’t want children, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be in love. So, I’ve made up …

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This Is The Best Time Of Year For A New Fitness Goal

Yeah, not New Year’s.  Not just before swimsuit season or even in the middle of the Summer. Right now. Well, maybe not right now, depending on what time you’re reading this, but close enough to now. Within 24-hours of now, at least. And I get it, you’re not going to trust some rando post telling …

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3 Things I Would Tell 10 Year Old Me

There are a lot of fall birthdays in our family, and that’s really cool, because I love birthdays.  Especially my own.  But it’s not until February.  Regardless, when the fall birthdays start to roll in, I can’t help but think of my birthday, and how awesome it. Is. Going. To. Be. First, I’m going to …

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3 Everyday Horrors That Will Never Get Their Own Movie

October is here, and with the crisp weather and the promise of Halloween on the wind comes the traditional horror movie marathons. We watch in giddy anticipation of the hapless hero stumbling upon a murder in progress. Then we yell at the screen when they idiotically run upstairs instead of outside to the already running …

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That Time I Took A Sleeping Pill Instead Of My Vitamins…

This morning wasn’t one of my greater days. I got up, thoughts swirling in my head, and went to take my morning vitamins. It’s the first thing I do after my feet hit the ground. Except… I opened the wrong cabinet. That Time I Took A Sleeping Pill Instead Of My Vitamins… Let me repeat …

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Parenting While Hungover: It Isn’t Pretty, But You’ll Survive…

Today’s guest post comes from Dayton Uttinger…our newest author for Totally The Bomb…and one of the funniest ladies you’ll ever read. Enjoy! Usually, the situation is reversed.  Usually, I am the one waking him up, opening the blinds as he lays in bed.  Usually, he is the one pulling the covers over his head, moaning …

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Confession: I’m Less Stressed When I’m In School…

The end of the summer means Netflix binges have to come to a close and it’s time to enroll in classes for the fall. I feel excited and anxious at the same time; glad that structure will return to my days, even if it limited my free time. My mind constantly races, thoughts flying by …

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I Left Dairy Queen Without Ordering, And Learned An Important Lesson About My Life…

I did something terrible yesterday. I pulled into the drive-through at Dairy Queen…and drove out without buying anything. If There’s Such Thing As A Retail-People Pleaser, I’m That… Dairy Queen, if you don’t have one where you are, has been advertising these special Blizzards—specifically, this one that’s chocolate ice cream with a marshmallow middle. And since …

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I Cut Jalapeños Without Gloves, And Now I Hate My Life…

I like to cook. A lot. I also really, really love to eat, so after quitting my full-time gig as a Children’s Librarian a few months back and finding out a week later that I’m pregnant with my first baby, I really started to nest. This includes cooking a lot of meals at home, partly …

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Anyone Else’s Boyfriend “Must Haves” List Getting Smaller And Smaller?

It’s no secret that I’m a little on the anti-social, introvert, was that guy flirting with me or did he just need my number because they always ask for my number at CVS side of things. I don’t mean to be; it’s just who I am. In high school I was the wallflower with the journal sitting …

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20 Questions To Ask Your Guy When You REALLY Want To Know Everything

Let’s face it – your guy is pretty amazing; but, he also doesn’t like to talk about himself. Why is that? Maybe it’s his selfless attitude, or he’s just a private person. Guys aren’t usually the masters of talking. Either way, you’re lucky to have him in your life. When you’re dating or even if you’re in …

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5 Sad Reasons The Spark Fades In Your Relationship

You were once in love. Do you remember how that felt? Now, you can’t stand being at the same table anymore. His chewing is disgusting, and he says he never realized how dead your eyes look when you talk. How did you get here? Intimate relationships are great at first. The two partners involved enjoy …

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Your waistline does not determine your worth

My cousin is staying with me while she gets her life back together after a particularly messy break up. She’s got a great new job, she’s started cosmetology school (which she’s rocking, BT-dubs), and she’s smiling again. You see, when she first showed up, she was very much in a woe-is-me-my-life-is-completely-over state of mind, but …

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Can We Please Stop Judging Moms On Cell Phones?

So, I just read an article that says an experiment was done with rats, and they placed some mama rats and their babies in cages that did not have sufficient material for nesting or bedding. This apparently led to the mama rats running around looking for better surroundings ( like any mama would do!) and ended up …

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