Last week we were about to go see Rogue One finally. Yes, finally. I was trying to pick out something to wear and was feeling Star-Wars-Festive. I have this really cool, long sleeved Star Wars shirt and figured I'd wear that. But the leggings I own that match it were all dirty. Which meant I'd have to wear jeans. And at this point I hate jeans. My jeans judge me in a way my LuLaRoe leggings never will... My LuLaRoe Leggings Don't Judge Me Seriously, though, jeans. Ug! Okay. Well. The shirt was sort of hoodie like... I used to love wearing hoodies with jeans! At this point, Keep Reading >>>
A Hunter’s Guide To Dealing With An Ungrateful Family
My family are idiots. I honestly don’t know how they’ve survived this long. They don’t have the basic life skills that I learned when I was young. I mean, I can be lazy. Sometimes I’ll even sleep the day away if I find a nice sunny spot. But my family takes it to a whole other level. So, I’ve taken it upon myself to try to show them the error of their ways. But do you think they appreciate me? Hell no. I brought them a nice juicy bird and they let it fly away. It's like no matter how much I try to teach them how to hunt, they're just ungrateful. A Hunter's Guide To Dealing With Keep Reading >>>
How To Make Your Dream Job A Reality
Have you ever wanted a job for which you are COMPLETELY unqualified? I mean, you wanted it so bad that you could see yourself doing this job when you closed your eyes at night. You planned out, not even realizing you were doing so, what you would do in this fantastical position. You obsessed over this position, and daydreamed about it, always at inopportune times ... like when you were supposed to be doing your ACTUAL job. Please tell me I'm not the only one who has done this. Thing is, I'm starting to get to live one of my dreams, and in doing so I've figured out you can make your dream job Keep Reading >>>
Is There A 12-Step Program For Saving Facebook Food Links?
Like many other addicts before me I thought, "It will never happen to me." I dabbled a little here, and a tried it a little there, each time getting drawn deeper and deeper into the lifestyle. "It isn't a problem," I told myself as I was in the beginning throws of what would become my secret affliction. I'd heard the warning tales: It starts small, with a gateway. For me it was pot ... Instapot. The way it works so quickly, the smells, the pressure build up, and the satisfying release. I was hooked. Before I knew it, I had moved on to the more hardcore, slow-cooked recipes. They say the first Keep Reading >>>
I’m Pretty Sure I’m Part Yeti, Or At Very Least Related To The First Bearded Lady…
I'll never forget being on a company retreat. I was maybe twenty-five or six at the time and my COO was in the bathroom primping for the evening activity along with one other employee. They were discussing weird hair they were getting in their later years in life. They turned toward me, laughed and said, "Get ready, you'll start springing hair from the weirdest places at our age!" At the moment, I think they thought I was horrified. In reality, I was jealous. You mean some people don't live with weird hair? They only get it after hitting, 45 or 60? I'm pretty sure I'm part yeti, or at very Keep Reading >>>
…And I’m Just Waitin’ For A Pregnant Giraffe To Poop Out A Baby
Poor April, April the giraffe. She doesn't even know she has become an internet and media sensation. April with the upside down heart spot on the left side of her neck, who rarely leaves her birthing stall, and has her baby daddy, Oliver, in the next stall over. Yes, we've all been glued to the Live Feed of this majestic momma, and memorized just about every spot, manerism, and feature of this now-famous animal (or maybe that's just me). We've all held our collective breath each time she moves, lays down, or for goodness sakes, even swishes her tail. "It's time," the comments inevitably read. Keep Reading >>>
The Time My Family Tricked Me Into Believing A Street Sign Was An Old-Time Version Of An Amber Alert
I am going to tell you the true story of how I was the most gullible child ever. And about how my family tricked me into believing the "Falling Rock" sign was actually a missing child sign... The Time My Family Tricked Me Into Believing A Street Sign Was An Old-Time Version Of An Amber Alert Once upon a time there was a young lass who lived in the California mountains with her parents and two younger siblings. She had been the passenger in the family vehicle while they did their daily mundane errands: going to school, the grocery store, ice skating, etc. One day she noticed that every Keep Reading >>>
5 Reasons To Not Believe In Global Warming
Okay, class, say it together with me: global warming is not real! When I was in high school there were all these news reports about how hairspray caused a hole in the ozone layer, but we still have hairspray. Plus, if there was a hole in the ozone don't you think things would be flying out of it by now? Or into it? I know we're told to believe scientists and doctors and professionals who study these things for a living, and spend their lives and thousands of hours devoted specifically to studying charts and data, but all of this is just theory. We need to stop freaking out over theories and Keep Reading >>>
About The Time I Was Left Unsupervised In A Room With 4-Million Worth Of Cocaine…
Until I moved to Fort Worth, I think I got called to jury duty more often than some people go to the dentist. That’s what happens when you live in a county with more cattle than people. It wasn’t exactly a crime-riddled area, but when you did have a local offender, you had to go through hundreds of candidates to find twelve who didn’t know him. Mostly, though, the sheriff’s department kept busy because the main route between Mexico and Houston ran through the county, so you’ve got speeding spring breakers, and you’ve got drug traffic. Which is where I come in. And then the most bizarre Keep Reading >>>
Why I’ll Never Give Up My LuLaRoe…
I guess this is a post I need to write once a year or something. The other day I was scrolling Facebook and saw a meme that was shared by someone from some new, non LuLaRoe legging company that shall not be named. Please note, this was a meme posted on this company's, I guess, official page. No, I won't name names. The meme had rules for wearing leggings. There were just two rules, but you only need a few words to body shame people. And that's why I'll never give up my LuLaRoe. They would Never have done something like THIS. Why I'll Never Give Up My LuLaRoe... So basically the meme Keep Reading >>>
Going To The Dentist Is Like Being Abducted By Aliens
For those of you who are terrified of the dentist, you are not alone. It doesn't help that my first visit to the dentist was far too late in life..... *cringes* 24. By then the damage was done. A broken tooth, four wisdom teeth that need extracting and 9 cavities that needed filled. We won't go into WHY I didn't go to the dentist before this age, but it was the way it was. The way it was, was not a good idea. Not. Good. At. All. Also, am I the only one who thinks going to the dentist is a whole lot like being abducted by aliens? Going To The Dentist Is Like Being Abducted By Aliens My Keep Reading >>>
Daddy-Daughter Dates And Why They’re Essential
A friend of mine sent me a link about how creepy an author found Daddy-Daughter Dances and Daddy-Daughter Date Nights. The author wrote that the whole concept was weird and patriarchal and all those buzzwords insufferable people like to throw around. This piece really jammed me up because that very next night was our Daddy Daughter Dance, which would lead into our Daddy Daughter Date Night. So I read the piece and walked away shaking my head in disbelief that some people in the world project an “oogy” vibe on what’s basically teaching your daughter how to respect herself and what to expect in Keep Reading >>>
I Really Thought I Would Pee Myself Less As An Adult…
It happened last Saturday. So it's been a couple of weeks since I last spent time with my mom and I decided we needed a girl's day out. Woke up early, picked her up, and we hit the town. Between our excursions to Pier 1, Ulta, and Old Navy there was no time to really stop anywhere to, you know, go. It's okay, though, I didn't feel anything. In fact, I was having so much fun that I didn't even feel the urge. Until I did. You know? I really thought I would pee myself less as an adult... I Really Thought I Would Pee Myself Less As An Adult... It didn't happen right away. I wasn't still Keep Reading >>>
Could Someone Please Tell My Family The Toilet Paper Fairy Doesn’t Exist?
I've just finished going to the bathroom. Okay, you got me, I was pooping. Let's get real, we all do it. I go to wipe, and I'm greeted with an empty role of toilet paper on the holder attached to the bathroom wall. Just an empty tube of cardboard stares back at me. Not even a remnant of tissue is left. Because apparently my family believes we have a toilet paper fairy and why should they have to do her job? Could Someone Please Tell My Family The Toilet Paper Fairy Doesn't Exist? I look at the sink to see if, by chance, someone has been so kind as to at least leave a roll on the Keep Reading >>>
Confession: I Love The Girl Scouts, But I Hate Their Cookies!
I have a shameful admission to make: I don’t like Girl Scout Cookies. I think Samoas might be the Pumpkin Spice Latte of the cookie world. It’s not that it’s so good, you just can’t get it all year long. Does anyone really like Thin Mints, or do we all just pretend so we don’t look like assholes? Look, the girls are cute and the cause is great, but the cookies suck and they're sucking my wallet dry. You're Cute, Kid, But Your Cookies Suck... This isn’t a political statement. The Girl Scouts of America is an admirable organization, impressive in its inclusiveness, with programs that Keep Reading >>>
My Love Is A Bonus Taco
My husband and I don’t really do lovey gifts. Valentine’s, anniversary, whatever. He doesn’t care if he gets a gift on Valentine’s Day. I used to care. A lot. Mostly because I’d been taught to care. All those TV sitcoms where the goober of a husband forgot a special day and had to scramble to come up with a thoughtful / expensive gift had me believing that if my man forgot any of our special days he was a terrible person. But that’s not true for us. I don’t think it’s true for anyone, really. Life is busy. If you add in all the birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Keep Reading >>>
21 Funny Tweets In Honor of Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and while many on Twitter are bragging about their romantic plans or lamenting the lack of a date, these fine men and women know what we really want -- to be entertained. I've compiled 21 thoroughly wacky tweets about love, dating, and massive exasperation guaranteed to make you laugh. 21 Funny Tweets In Honor of Valentine's Day https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/826152899327705088 Human women don't murder the males after sex, but every woman understands wanting to kill after a bad Keep Reading >>>
Three Times That Prove Gravity Is Out To Get Me
Gravity and I aren't on the best of terms. We've had an ongoing battle for most of my life. And just when I think I've got the upper hand, gravity makes an appearance. Usually this happens at the worst possible moment – like the time I face-planted (totally not my fault!) onto the pavement in the middle of a crowded sidewalk while wearing a fancy dress on my way to a concert with my husband. My knees looked like they had been through a blender, completely ruining the sophisticated look I was trying to achieve. Thanks for that one, gravity. Most people would say I'm just clumsy, but I Keep Reading >>>
How I Learned Not To Use Dollar Store Razors Near My Lady Bits…
This year we're really trying to cut costs. Since I've transitioned to writing full time I'm always looking for ways to save a buck. The other week we decided to visit our new dollar store and load up on some essential items where cost cutting is allowed. We were strolling the aisles, looking for some awesome, cheap finds and wound up in the toiletry section. And thus begins the story of how I learned not to use dollar store razors near my lady bits. How I Learned Not To Use Dollar Store Razors Near My Lady Bits... But back to the toiletry section. That's where I saw them. Seven Keep Reading >>>
The Unexpected Joy Of Cleaning With My Teenager
I know all you moms with teenagers can understand the dread of housecleaning day. Since my daughter was able to start picking up her own toys, we've cleaned house on Sundays. It's our day. The day to prepare for the week: get laundry, dusting, vacuuming, toilets scrubbed, floors washed, sheets changed on the beds, housecleaning, crank up the tunes, day. A day we spend working together, just the two of us accomplishing a life task. I break the types of house cleaning into two groups: "Heavy duty house cleaning" and "Tidy up housework." Tidy up, of course, is just pick up clutter, sweep and Keep Reading >>>
That Time I Ate Bugs To Get The Taste Of Foot Out Of My Mouth
A few months ago my brother, J.J., and I visited my Dad’s house. Dad needed some help with a few things around the house and that called for some extra man-power. Fortunately, we got the water heater installed. Unfortunately, it didn’t work. We had to wait until the next day to call the hotline (Ha!) to figure out the issue. So, the day’s work done, J.J. prepared to do what he always does when we go back to our hometown, and vanish into the night to visit with some old friends. Since Dad’s house was without hot water, I decided to tag along in hopes of getting a shower. You know those Keep Reading >>>
I Have No Problem With Beating My Kids
You can’t step outside without cringing at the desperate weeping in the streets. I look around and all I see are a bunch of children who can’t believe they’ve lost. They can’t believe the rules were not in their favor. How dare someone beat them at their own game! These kids haven’t learned to be graceful in defeat and it’s driving me up a wall. Also, these kids are nine years old. Also, these kids live on my street. I Have No Problem With Beating My Kids Sometimes I lay awake at nights and tremble at the thought my children may be one of them. If you know me, you know I abhor Keep Reading >>>
How Bathing A Cat Shows What Kind Of Relationship You Have
I love my boyfriend. We have a solid relationship built on love, trust, and mutual care of our three cat overlords. I say this because sometimes when you have cats things...happen. And when said things happen (read poo gets stuck in fur, fur must be cleaned), it's usually a two-person job. Thus I have learned, over time, how bathing a cat shows what kind of relationship you have. How Bathing A Cat Shows What Kind Of Relationship You Have Today, as I sat down to write up a few posts, my boyfriend bellowed my name. Now, this isn't an unusual thing. We're pretty good about communicating Keep Reading >>>
What It’s Like Giving Birth…To The Placenta
Awww. Sweet relief. Baby cries. Mommy cries. Ladies in masks and gowns smile with their eyes, and declare their congratulations across the hustle and bustle of a busy room. I just gave birth to my first child, my beautiful, perfect daughter. Only, I'm not done yet. And somehow I forgot...the placenta. What It's Like Giving Birth...To The Placenta Skin-on-skin, they put her on my chest so the bonding process can start. So sweet. Daddy cries tears of joy. Mommy cries tears of joy. Our princess has made her debut into the world. All is right in life. Euphoric feelings of happiness Keep Reading >>>
Wanna Turn Chores Into A Game? There’s An App For That…
My whole life, I’ve been part of a family that teased each other. It’s a sign of affection and comfort, and the cleverest zings are the funniest. The goal is to make each other laugh, not to hurt anyone’s feelings… which is why no one teases me about my housekeeping. I am a terrible housewife. Granted, I never aspired to be a housewife. It’s not my calling. But, for the past 12 years, I’ve known that maybe I ought to be doing more chores than… well, the precise amount isn’t important here. I used to clean when I worked up a nice panic attack about it, if that tells you anything. And I Keep Reading >>>
When You’re In Your Thirties And Having To ‘Get Some Work Done…’
As the result of a car wreck in late 2012 (thanks to a texting man who rear-ended me at a yield sign), I was forced to have nasal reconstruction surgery: Septoplasty with osteotomy and grafts. Let's just say it: medically necessary nose job. Without this procedure, I would have remained with one nostril collapsed with the other to fall later (as it did while I was on the operation table). They went in, broke my nose again, added a couple of skin grafts, packed in some splints and covered the whole mess up with a hard plastic cast. Three weeks later, my new nose emerged from its cocoon a Keep Reading >>>
You Know It’s True Love When He Buys You Depends
My boyfriend and I have been together a while now. We're beyond the honeymoon stage and firmly into making this our happy life together, crazy as those words sound. But I didn't really know how much he loved me, until he got me Depends. Yes, Depends. As in, adult diapers. You Know It's True Love When He Buys You Depends See, I had this nightmare of an experience with a kidney stone, an infection, surgery and horrible-awful-don't-wish-it-on-my-worst-enemy recovery period. And this is where love won out. Where I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt...my boyfriend is a freaking saint and Keep Reading >>>
When Annoying Noises Send You Into A Rage
Have you ever been eating a nice meal and then the person next to you sounds like a cow chewing its cud? It's enough to make you want to jump out of your seat and scream at them to chew with their mouth closed..oh wait, their mouth is closed...they just chew entirely too loud..or their food is loud, either way, I hear it and I don't like it one bit. Or then there's the clanking of the spoon in an empty bowl.. "Okay, Okay!!!! It's empty!!! You got it all.... there's no gold in that bowl, what's next, licking it clean? Put the bowl down and walk away slowly and no one will get hurt." Okay, fine, Keep Reading >>>
I Love My Apple Watch, But Apparently That Makes Me Uncool…
I never aspired to be Popular with a capital "P." Not in the cliche clique sense. No, my #lifegoal has always been to be a Cool Geek Girl...but I'm pretty sure I haven't leveled up past Nerd. In fact, I think I might have blown the whole thing by getting an Apple Watch. I've always owned Macs, every since my LC II pizza box. It is probably one of the few things I can legitimately say I did before it was cool. (The others being "adult coloring books" and "bullet journaling.") So when the aughts rolled around and every was like, hey, Macs are pretty neat, I was hipster-level Keep Reading >>>
Five Things Every Woman Should Demand In Relationships
Over the past few months, I've kinda enjoyed being on my own. A good relationship used to be really important. It was a sign of maturity. A thing to show how far I'd come in life. I come from a place where people marry young comparatively nowadays. For the most part it was like, "Okay, you had your fun in college, now time to get serious." But, after my last breakup, I'm not so sure. I've become very indifferent to it. "Well, if it happens and feels right, okay. But, I don't NEED to be with someone." I don't want to force a relationship just for the sake of being in one. That's made me look Keep Reading >>>
That Time I Got A Brain Parasite
When I was studying for my degree, we shared a campus, as well as some faculty, with the medical school. My neurology professor—whose clinical stories pretty much guaranteed I would never ride a motorcycle or try to shoot myself in the head—also talked about this thing medical students do where whatever disorder or disease they’re studying, they’ll be convinced they have it. That Time I Got A Brain Parasite (She was just full of funny stories. Because potentially fatal diseases are always a laugh riot. Please tell us again about that South American worm that burrows under your skin then Keep Reading >>>
If I Find The Cabinets Doors Left Open ONE MORE TIME…
It's like a picture taken straight from the scene of a horror movie: You walk into your kitchen, and find the cabinets wide open. You look down. Two drawers are pulled out, like something was riffling through them looking for a spoon. You quickly shut them, trying not to think about that movie you just watched about ghosts and poltergeists who like to leave things open for the living to find. If I Find The Cabinets Doors Left Open ONE MORE TIME... You go about your business. An hour later you find yourself back in the kitchen. Three cabinets and a drawer are open. Your breath catches in Keep Reading >>>
- « Previous Page
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- …
- 9
- Next Page »
