Do Not Let Your Kids Watch 13 REASONS WHY
13 Reasons Why is a show on Netflix based on the Best Selling Young Adult Novel by Jay Asher. The book takes place just after a teenage girl kills herself and she has left a series of 13 tapes behind for the people in her life that are the reasons why she killed herself to listen to. I read the book several years ago and have followed the author online for several years. I am a bit of a YA junkie, and I was really excited for this series to come out. Which means that going in, I knew that the booked touched on extremely triggering topics like rape and suicide.
I watched the series fully intending on sitting down with my middle school aged daughter and watching with her. I knew that the topics touched on were hardcore, and that it would lead to some serious discussions between the two of us. But I am not so naive as to think that her friends aren’t already talking about sex and suicide. Even as a sixth grader, my daughter has brought a string of texts between her and a few friends where one of the girls was threatening to kill herself. This is heavy stuff that I hate my kid is learning about at such a young age, but it IS happening, and we as parents DO need to be aware of it.
All that being said, I beg you to, no I IMPLORE you, DO NOT LET YOUR KIDS WATCH 13 REASONS WHY! (And if they have already watched it, but you haven’t, keep reading, because you have some damage control to do.)
Why am I not okay with this Netflix Original Series? Why do I not want kids to learn about the aftermath of bullying, drugs, alcohol, rape and suicide? (This show is rated TV-MA by the way, which means Mature Audience Only. This program is specifically designed to be viewed by adults and therefore may be unsuitable for children under 17. So Netflix doesn’t disagree with me.)
- This show was overly graphic. The last four episodes especially, so if you watch the first couple and think you have a good overview of how intense the show is, you don’t. They have explicit warnings at the beginning of each episode, but that isn’t enough. The show features two rapes of teenage girls. These rapes are gritty, horrifying and not something your children need to actually witness just in case they need to deal with something like this. They did a good job of showing Hannah (the girl who committed suicide) and how she felt during the rape, but watching her body writhe with each “thrust” was completely unnecessary and not something we needed to watch in order to understand the gravity of the situation.
- The suicide toward the end of the series might as well have been a handy dandy how-to graphic for how to kill yourself. They showed her stealing razors, and the showed the actual cutting of her wrists, the way she cried out and laid in the bathtub until she was gone. Why show a kid exactly how to do it? Why was that important? Don’t you think we could have gotten the same feelings if we hadn’t watched the blade actually pierce and slice her skin? (Also, in the books, she took pills. Was that not graphic enough for television?)
- The other big problem I had with the suicide was the build up, the entire series lead up to Hannah killing herself. Which isn’t different than in the books, but for some reason, they made it feel like a big reveal, an event that you were waiting on. Something exciting. Suicide should never EVER be exciting. And I was disappointed that they depicted it as such.
- They glamorized Hannah, the girl who killed herself. They made her out to be this big amazing person that everyone remembered and was heartbroken about after she left. In the book, the story was more about the kids she left behind, but for some reason, the series made this about her, like she left some sort of legacy only a dead girl could leave behind. Why would you want kids to think their lives will only have meaning after they die? What kind of effed up message even is that?
Look, I get it. I get that the whole point of the series is to make me feel uncomfortable because you SHOULD be uncomfortable when it comes to these topics. I understand that the scenes were overly graphic because they were trying to be real and show kids that actions have real consequences. I am just saying that it went too far. That the message is lost in the uncomfortableness, and that the way the series is depicted isn’t fair to the story or to the characters and what they went through.
The bottom line is this: There are differences between reading books and watching shows. With books, if things get too intense you can easily skim ahead a bit and avoid certain content. With shows it isn’t that simple. And a younger watcher might not be emotionally prepared to watch someone else’s depiction of these events. That development takes time. Seeing it thrown out there before they have the emotional strength to understand it us unfair to them and it isn’t right for us as parents to do that.
I remember the first time I watched the Lord of The Rings, when the orcs came on and how scared I was of them. The thing is, when I’d read the book as a kid, the orcs were only as scary as my imagination would let them be, and they were nowhere near as frightening as they were in the movie. I think this is sort of the same thing happening here. When you read something, your mind is only going to let it go as far as your mind can handle but when you watch it, you are at the mercy of someone else’s mind, and this time 13 Reasons Why did a poor job of understanding how much high school and middle school aged kids can handle.
Honestly, I am disappointed that I can’t share this show with my child. That we can’t talk through the things that happen, the cyber bullying, the sex, the kids and the way they treat each other and use this series as a tool to breed the conversation. I would have loved to see this series be something we could show to our high schoolers. A teaching aide for them to understand that life isn’t as dramatic or dire as they think it is in high school. It is such a missed opportunity that because of the overly graphic nature of a few scenes that this series can’t be more valuable to us as a society.
If your kids have already watched it, or you are planning to let them watch it anyway, talk to them. Talk through what they’ve seen and what their friends are talking about. Really spend some time on these topics and assess how it made them feel, because if this show shocked me as an adult, I can’t imagine how much it is going to rock the thought process of an adolescent.
Great discussion. I will try my level best to control my kids from watching it. Thank you.
Loved the series in all means, but its a depressive one!
This series is amazing. I really loved it.
Really appreciated with this.
I disagree with the whole “making Hannah Glamorous” thing. The kids barely cared before as they did after, sure she narrated, but the kids still only cared for themselves. And how they were affected.
That’s not a good thing, though. Let’s be honest, if a person kills themselves, people will make fuss for a week or two, and then go on with their lives. By showing the teenagers ripped out of their normal lives, in a sense, and shown to be distraught at Hannah’s death, you get the message across that committing suicide will get you just that; attention and sympathy. And by Hannah being the narrator, it looks as though she’s there to see the results of her actions, but she isn’t. She’s dead, and she’s not coming back.
For adults, the show is boring, and Clay, who did absolutely nothing wrong, is shown distraught, told he had a part in killing Hannah, and you can see his personality changing until he’s every bit the ass the other kids are. That’s unfair, and Hannah did that to him. The kids might not see that, but that’s the wrong message, period.
Kids who are not depressed will probably, maybe, watch until the end if they aren’t bored to tears and they might learn a lesson about helping others that they could have gotten watching something that didn’t involve graphic rape and suicide scenes. And for children who are depressed, this will tell them suicide is an option, because it will get them the revenge they want.
It’s a truly horrible show that tries to convey a good message and ultimately fails.
They are already watching it. The Tv series has got huge publicity and popularity. And, the buzz was keep your kids away from 13 Resons Why. Out of curiosity, teens are already watching it.
I do wonder where all the parents went sometimes…?
I disagree, I think this show is extremely valuable. I don’t ever watch TV but I saw this show in one weekend because I was so intrigued. I used to be Hannah, I went through these things in school and the point is that she was so caught up her pain and missed how many people actually loved her. People need to understand the damage bullying does to the developing mind, and maybe after watching this they will understand how fragile some people really are. You NEVER know what’s going on in another persons life. Additionally, if you want to commit suitcuce you can google it, its quite easy, so by showing hannas you see how ungraceful and painful it really is. you see the pain in her parents when the find her. I won’t watch the second season because I feel they have made their point but anyways that’s just my opinion.
WELL SAID!!!
I don’t think it’s fair to say that the suicide scene is a how-to on how to kill yourself. If someone is contemplating suicide, needs help, and doesn’t get it, suicide victims can typically figure out how to do it. I doubt this scene therefore will do more harm than good… it’s graphic nature is meant to make you uncomfortable and show the brutality of it, how it is raw and ugly and painful. If anything, Hannah’s emotional and physical pain in this scene would hopefully show that suicide should never be an option.
Also, I disagree that there was a ‘build up’ to make Hannah’s suicide scene something to look forward to – to be perfectly honest, I had not read any spoilers before watching the show, and had no clue that there would be a scene actually depicting her death. I would say the anticipation comes from getting through the tapes and finding out what is to happen to Hannah’s peers. I was more on edge about what would happen to Clay and if Hannah’s parents would find out about the tapes.
Finally, I also have to disagree with the writer of this article regarding glamorizing Hannah post-death – that’s the POINT. If you ever watch the news and someone dies untimely, friends/family will always wax poetic about ‘what a good person he/she was.’ The point is, many of Hannah’s peers weren’t nice to her in life, but the school mourns her and pays tribute to her and talks about what a nice person she was when it’s too late. It also showcases the mentality of the narcissist tendencies people have when others die of using the opportunity for attention. Courtney Crimson uses Hannah’s death to deflect her own insecurities and guilt.
I watched this as a 32 year old woman who does not have children. Nor had I read the book prior to watching. However, I can say that I wish I had watched something like this in high school. For me, high school had it’s ups and downs but primarily, I was not bullied nor was I a bully. It did make me pause (not pause, but really rocked my world) and reflect on how, I COULD have been a better person to my peers despite all that…. and the overall point of the show is that it’s MAKING US talk about these uncomfortable and taboo topics. It’s forcing us to take ownership of our actions…. it’s HOPEFULLY going to draw lines and take the grey matter out of what CONSENT is and show kids how to recognize bully behaviour… what I liked is that Hannah’s bullying is not overly obvious. It’s not the typical ‘beat up in the school yard name-calling’ type of bullying. And how that is equally as damaging and shows kids that might bully, that what they think is just fun and games, is emotional torture to their targets. Students NEED to watch this – it will hopefully EMPOWER others to be their own person, stand up for what’s right, and know that they have self WORTH and that victims are NEVER at fault. Girls especially need to learn that YOUNG and if this show saves even just ONE LIFE – then the graphic nature, the uncomfortable-ness you might feel watching it or talking it through with a child, is worth it.
What if this show takes even just one life?
Idek if anyone will read this but umm Idk I think people should watch this … like even temporary awareness maybe a minor impact or something maybe some people will stop bullying feel guilty or something …self realisation is the most important or rather the only factor that can actually put a stop to bullying … I get where you’re coming from I’m 17 and I’m not even at the last 4 episodes and it is unnerving even tragic … but yeah still idk I think people should watch it
There is absolutely nothing wrong with kids watching this. It’s called being a parent and explaining it to them if they have questions. They way I see it now a days we have to or are suppose to shield our kids from everything that is bad or upsetting. But the truth is this stuff happens everyday I would rather my kids learn about it now and ask me questions then it be to late. If that’s the case then we mind as well just put our kids in a bubble with a blindfold and ear muffs so they don’t get hurt, see anything upsetting or hear bad words. Get over it
WELL SAID !!!
In my opinion, each parent needs to judge their own child. Sadly, in today’s society, kids younger than middle school are being exposed to almost every single topic addressed in 13 Reasons. Wanting to tone down the graphic scenes is exactly part of the problem. In our effort to protect our children we have removed them from reality. Rape is harsh, bullying is harsh, and suicide is especially harsh. That is why parents should watch this show WITH their kids. So that they can address how graphic and brutal these situations truly are. Regarding the suicide episode being a “how to guide”, what do you think the internet is? Any child with access to the internet can look up ANYTHING. No matter how safe your home is, you really don’t know what they do when they are away. Rather than blocking this show, we should be using it as a tool to make kids understand the seriousness of these situations.
WELL SAID
As a mother of two grown women I believe this storyline hit home, both of my children had friends in Middle School who were cutting, contemplating suicide; when brought to the attention of school counselors it was handled as one would handle an argument in the playground…..this story illustrates the hard facts there is not enough belief nor attention being paid to these cries for help….nor is there enough empathy displayed for the “underdog” in Middle School, it is a harsh and judgmental environment this story exposes this fact. Society as a whole should be more mindful of others but Middle School students are egocentric and are all striving for popularity and ridicule or debase those who are different or don’t “fit in”. This story brings this to the forefront as it should it’s kind of a blast of cold water to awaken our empathetic nature….I don’t believe it glorified suicide, it showed the sad and lonely side of an act that causes so much physical pain, yet it doesn’t compare with the mental anguish these beautiful souls suffer that leads them to this end. My girls have lost friends to suicide….it knows no age…all this being said, I believe that a parent should measure their child’s maturity level regarding any sort of media….and make a judgment call as to their ability to grasp the message being sent.
The build up was not that Hannah killed herself, it was what made her to do it. As you said throughout the season we knew that Hannah was a victim of suicide, the big reveal was why she did it.
I for one feel that the series was to make aware to the public how our actions affects others no matter how insignificant it may seem.
I agree. The psych wards where I worked in 2015 were overrun with suicidal teenagers. This was 8 years after the book was out and 2 years before the series appeared on Netflix. The series serves as a catalyst to perhaps what might be considered an extremely uncomfortable but necessary discussion with one’s child, Parents should watch it with their children.
Netflix has a great movie called Cyberbully that is fantastic and touches on a lot of things that kids need to be aware of and not take lightly. Totally kid friendly movie, it got my son thinking, but in a healthy way.
I thought it was a good show. I told my teenage son to watch it. Of course he didnt til his friends started to. I havent read the book. The suicide part of her using razors. Pills are more accessible to kids and easier if there people out there that wants to do it.
U have got to be kidding? In my opinion this needs introducing to the school curriculum, far more relevant than a lot of what they are learning. It was an outstanding way to introduce these important issues that they are exposed to everyday. Nothing was glorified…there was a negative impact behind most of their choices
I lost a friend to suicide in high school, the aftermath is just as horrifying as you see on this show. I sat my 12 year old son down to watch this with me and explained that there were some graphic and disturbing parts but that this is life! And this should never be an option, he wants to be a Clay in this world and that’s all I needed to hear…..
I understand where your angst is coming from. However, teens aren’t as weak minded as you think they are. Things like this won’t rattle us to our core or scar us. It is just a TV show and when people start commenting on how teens need to talk about it and what they’ve seen gets really annoying. My parents won’t shut up about it, and I’m sure that most people who watched it were hardly fazed and also getting extremely annoyed at all the attention being drawn to them just for watching it.
“13 Reasons Why” is a show that has a lot of mysteries. It shows the drama and lies that can be in the high school stage.. Yes the death of Hannah was disturbing to watch and was a stupid thing to do to herself… But the thing is, it’s a show. I would let my child watch the show because I would want her/him to know what the world can really be like… I don’t want her/him to think “oh well the world is always safe, all people are good people” because no it’s not. Their are people out their like that. Thirteen Reasons Why is a good exsample. Look at Justin’s parents for an example. Also Look how no one knew that Hannah was going to commit suicide, because she didn’t tell anybody what was going on. She should have told someone, but no one has guts anymore. So this just shows you the consequences, to not telling anybody…. But for real this is a TV SHOW, GET OVER IT! Kids should not go into high school thinking “no ones gonna bully me, no one gonna make fun of me, no one is a bad person, no one does drugs… Because Yes you are gonna get bullied at least once, and yes their are horrible people in this world, and yes a lot of kids in high school do drugs. That’s all I’m gonna say…— Em Smyithe
I’m a first year teacher. I teach grade 7 – they are 12 – and I watched this because all the kids were talking about it. I’m not naive to these things at all but the effect it had on me made me feel sick and I cried an unhealthy amount. I am beyond concerned that my students are 12 years old and watching this. They have no idea the gravity of it either – based on the conversations we’ve had. They just think its a cool show. They don’t understand the message no matter how many people tell me it comes through. These kids are still bullying each other, sending nudes NUDES, and joking about suicide.
I can’t even.. like I’m beyond worried for my students.
It is just a show and people should stop making such a big deal about it. Kids now days are tougher. It is when we are shielded from this stuff that we become weak minded individuals.
One more thing… I have noticed that the only people who think teens shouldn’t watch this is the adults and parents. All the teens commenting are perfectly fine with it. Adults just need to chill and not treat us like little, lost puppies who need so much help in this world.
dont say perfect
It is entertainment. But there is no question, teens see something in it that resonates. That could be the difficulty they have in relationships, the social media challenges, the disturbing end results of drinking and drug use like rape or accidents. Or maybe they are just hooked by the mystery built into the series.
This is giving us an opportunity. We can connect with teens and reach them with helpful, life saving information if it resonates with them. Not Alone is a documentary conceived of by a teen who lost her best friend to suicide. She was frustrated with the videos and info out there, targeted to teens to prevent suicide, like SOS. It didn’t stick. Similar to “Just Say No” campaigns, teens tuned it out. She watched the message get lost in the delivery. So she wanted to create something teens would connect to.
Not Alone enables teens to listen to teens who have experienced mental illness, self harm, thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts and getting help. This film does not have any ADULT faces or voices telling teens what to think. It allows the teens who have experienced it to educate and commiserate with teens who are also experiencing mental illness. The strength in this documentary is that every word of it comes from real teens. They encourage teens to get help. Go to this website, http://www.not-alone.live watch the trailer https://vimeo.com/184605771 and see the film.
I am an Emergency Room physician. We have noticed that around the time the series ended, teenage patient ER visits for suicidal ideation were up to 5 times the normal amount! 5 times! We were trying to figure out why there so many suicidal kids all of a sudden. A pediatric psychiatrist had speculated that the sudden popularity of 13 Reasons Why may be related as it occurred around the same time. I haven’t seen the show myself. The patients I treated all had prior histories of anxiety or past suicidal thoughts. So it may be too intense for kids who struggle with those problems already. And not just kids. Adult ER visits for suicidal ideation spiked as well. Fortunately, the number of visits has come back down.
I am a Child therapist, and I have been hearing this repeatedly, and I have to tell you that the wave in suicides is always higher n April/May. This is the time of year that more teens/adolescents attempt. All of the research points to this. It makes me sad that so may people are finger pointing at a tv show for this increase, because if anything, this show has increased the conversation and awareness about suicide. I have had several clients help their friends and become much more aware of the signs of suicide due to this show. I also had a girl who felt that this show gave her permission to talk about the sexual assault that she had repressed for years. More and more, schools and health providers are shying away from the suicide topic, for fear that it will create suicide contagion. Suicide and rape need to be talked about, and although this show was not perfect in every way, I found it was more helpful in raising awareness about these difficult topics than anything else has been.
I understand your feelings, but I disagree with you completely. I also feel like you’ve missed the message of this series a bit.
I don’t think that this show should be available to a 13 year old unless you know that your child is mature enough to enter a discussion about those hard topics. It will be hard no matter how old you are. I’m over 30 and I cried through the 2nd part of the series when it not only got steadily darker and more graphic, but because I’ve seen a lot of my own reactions in Hannah.
On the other hand, keeping your kids in a pink bubble of ignorance isn’t necessarily helping them (another big theme of this series). I wish that these kinds of books and series existed when I was a teen. That reminds me of a very popular book in my time that dealt with drugs addiction and selling yourself to buy more drugs and how parents didn’t want us to read that book, because they thought it was giving us improper ideas. Perhaps it’s just how parents always were and will be and I don’t mean it in a bad way. You just want to protect your kids.
But back to my point.
This show needed to be graphic. These days we get new movies and series almost every week. There are so many of them that you really need to be extreme to make a point to be remembered. And this series needs to be remembered, but it was so sad that there was no other way that to literally scar people with what they saw. And good. Do you really want to have a romanticized version of a suicide. You’ve mentioned that you were aware of kids discussing sex and suicide and I don’t think you should be naive and think that kids don’t know how to cut their own wrists. This wasn’t a “how to”. This was real and painful and gross and it should have been, because you don’t want impressionable teens to think that suicide is something like a beautiful escape. Taking pills is not graphic enough. Taking pills is easy and accessible to anyone.
While the scene of rape was graphic, it was also a very good lesson. When I was 12 years old, I remember being very curious about sex (as anyone this age), but nobody talked about it and I was banned from watching adult movies of any kind. I knew where my mother had a collection of those cheap adult romances and whenever I could I would read them in secret. There was a particular scene where the main heroine gets raped by a man she didn’t want and I remember thinking how exciting that was. Especially that in the end… that heroine fell in love with the man who raped her. Do you see how romanticized that was? A handsome man with a difficult character who is just so in love with the heroine that he forces himself on her and in the end she forgives him and they live happily ever after. I mean, really? There is nothing beautiful or romantic about rape and it needs to be graphic for teens to have that image engraved inside their skulls, so that they think twice before any action that could potentially lead to them being in danger.
I could write some more on this topic, but the last thing I want to mention is that I feel that the biggest problem lays in the fact that you felt uncomfortable watching this series. You should have felt uncomfortable. Nobody watching this should feel good and enjoy it. Just because you’ve felt uncomfortable with it doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t be watched by teens. They should be aware of and feel very uncomfortable about topics like this one.
I am sorry but I disagree with just about everything you wrote. I do believe that we need to let our young adults(teenagers)watch this show and be with them either during or after to talk with them. So much of what is shown im this story line is really true and it is time we stop sugar coating everything. This is real life this stuff really happens! I know I had to turn away when she (Hanna) was cutting her wrist because of knowing the pain she was enduring but she but she felt it was the only way to fix things. This show gives it all out there. No one thing caused the suicide but one act of truly caring and truly listening could of possibly changed the outcome. It is a hard show to watch especially the last few episodes, but it is things that are going on daily in our world today and we need for.our children to be able to talk with someone when this is happening to them.
I watched it this week. I live alone and watched it alone.
I was related to a man who killed himself. I was related to another man who tried to kill himself, and in the manner depicted in 13 Reasons Why. Two friends have done it, too. Each of my children had friends who committed suicide – the most recent nearly a year ago.
I’m a New Zealander, a parent and grandparent. I accept I might not fully grasp all the nuances of listening to American teenagers (save the Australian lead actress) at school, and their parents and teachers and counsellors.
The series should not be banned. I am against banning things anyway because that doesn’t solve anything. I am also allergic to people who proclaim to others ‘Do Not …’
I would recommend to parents that they let their teens watch it – and that they watch it with them. The writer of this blog thought her 6th grader might be able to watch it. As I understand it American 6th-graders are 11-13 year-olds. No, I wouldn’t do that to them.
There is very little glamorous about this series – particularly the rape of two girls and most particularly the suicide that comes at the end.
Of that: it is one of the most difficult things I’ve watched for a while and I was relieved it was not happening in real life. From what I can see there is nothing glamorous about arm-cutting suicide. Katherine Langford (Hannah Baker) did what I’m sure was a convincing job of carving into her arms with a razor blade.
The worse part I found was the guilt-mongering and blame-casting by Hannah herself in her tapes, and then by Clay, her friend whom she had treated shittily.
From my observation blame-casting and guilt-mongering always follows hard on suicide. That is part of the carnage left behind. People beat themselves – and others – up because they didn’t see warning signs when they should have, they might have said the wrong thing, or they were concerned about their own problems.
I didn’t particularly like Hannah Baker. She was self-absorbed, attention-seeking, and a drama queen. She was neither a victim nor helpless. She could give as good as she got. In two instances she expected a boy to be a mind-reader and a counsellor to read her mind, too.
I didn’t take to Clay at all: I suppose, in the American drama tradition, that he was there to ‘dig for the truth’ and then go around and accuse and blame people even though he also acknowledged that he had failed her, too.
I don’t think he failed her – he was one of those boys who did what a girl said because that was his way and he respected her and she shat on him because he wasn’t a mind-reader. He wasn’t to know that she didn’t want him to leave the room even after she had screamed at him to do so.
I know that kind of boy very well.
The final unpalatable fact, and I suggest that it applies to most suicides: Hannah’s decision to kill herself was hers.
The show clearly states that individuals under 17 should not watch. I get the article but c’mon parents, just follow the recommendation and there is no reason for this discussion.