He Didn’t Love Me. He Loved Being Loved By Me.

I don’t think I ever realized he liked me—at least, not in the way that counts.

He made such a point of telling me over and over again that he could never be with someone like me, while basically being with me anyway—just without the clarity, the honesty, or the commitment. He treated his affection like a prize I had to earn, like if I loved him hard enough, right enough, he might someday decide I was worth choosing.

But I’m starting to see now—he never planned to choose me at all.

And here’s the wild part: I don’t even care anymore whether he had those feelings. Because the guy I’m looking for? He’ll choose me clearly, even when he’s hurting. Even when life feels complicated. He’ll understand how important I am and he won’t be afraid to show it.

Or maybe I’m not looking for anyone at all.

Maybe I’m just living my life, doing what I want, and finally realizing that I don’t have to be “enough” for anyone else—because I’m already enough for me.

It didn’t even feel like unrequited love. It felt like confusion wrapped in fear. And because of my own trauma and deep-rooted self-esteem issues, I couldn’t see the truth clearly. But the moment he got upset about me spending time with someone new—someone kind and consistent—I was shocked.

How could he lose it over me moving on when he’d spent so long pushing me away?

How did I end up hiding normal friendships just to avoid upsetting someone who never chose me?

He didn’t love me. He loved the feeling of being loved by me.

He’d say things like “You’re cute, but…” And I’m just—so tired of the “but.”

I understood we weren’t a long-term match. He wanted a future I’ve already lived. And I was okay with that. I was even willing to be just friends. But he held on to my affection like it was something comforting and convenient. Not something he had to show up for. Not something he respected.

Until one day it wasn’t there anymore. And suddenly he cared.

Or maybe… he didn’t. Maybe he just missed the way it felt to be adored by someone who asked for nothing in return.

I keep asking myself questions I’ll probably never get answers to.
Did he know how he felt and hide it? Did he even know how he felt at all?
Why pretend not to care, only to lash out when I believed him?

The truth is, I didn’t want to walk away. I wanted him in my life.
But I wanted to stop loving people quietly, from across the room.
And somewhere along the way, I learned something I didn’t know before:

I’m lovable—even by people I really like.
They don’t have to be broken to love me. And I don’t have to be broken, either.

So if you’re reading this and you’re caught in the same cycle—
Loving someone who’s emotionally unavailable,
Who only sees your worth when they feel it slipping away—

Here’s what I want to tell you:

Focus on yourself.
Figure out what you want.
Because I promise you don’t want someone who only wants you once you’ve left.

The biggest lesson I’m learning is this:
Safe love feels different.
It doesn’t burn like chaos or ache like longing.

It settles.
It calms.
It feels like peace.

And maybe—just maybe—that’s the kind of love we’re meant for after all.