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How am I ever going to learn to trust people at their word again?

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I spent the last ten years in a marriage where I was constantly finding things I didn’t want to find. 

Man and Woman Holding Hands

The unknowns are the hardest part. There are still unanswered questions and instead of spending the next ten years begging for those answers while creating more unknowns, I’m leaving. 

The problem with that is, it’s made me second guess everything and everyone. 

I don’t trust people at all. It’s like my gut is on overdrive. The second I see or hear something even slightly out of place, it sends me down a whole rabbit hole. 

This is, of course a defense mechanism of being lied to constantly for the last ten years, but the thing is this— those people didn’t do the lying. They didn’t keep secrets from me. 

They aren’t inherently selfish. There are humans out there that care about other people. People who want to see their friends and loved ones succeed. 

Hell, there are even people out there that want to see complete strangers succeed. I know this because I am one of them. 

Grayscale Photo of Couple in Black Coat Holding Hands

That’s a part of it, too. I’m a sunny side up kind of gal… I always see the silver lining (I feel like we’ve had that discussion before) and the very last thing I want to do is to lose that. 

It’s me. It makes me who I am. 

So, then, how do I take the last ten years of betrayal and lies and compartmentalize that into a little box that I only open when I need to? 

Oh… yeah— that’s the point. I’m not supposed to bury that down or else the little box burps open at super inopportune times. I think the worst part of it is, I don’t want this box at all. 

I want to be the trusting naive person I started as. I don’t know if naive is the right word— innocent maybe? Just someone who sees the best in people and knows that they won’t hurt me. 

Unrecognizable woman holding paw of dog

It’s all about worth. It’s always about that. That I’m a good enough of a person that people would trust me. That they would inherently want to do good by me. 

Oh man… this journey. Is there ever a part of it that you want to just be like “meh— let’s go back to the other way. I’m so good at being blissfully unaware. 

Maybe I’ll just get a piercing instead. 

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2 Comments

  1. “It’s all about worth.”
    Yes ma’am. I hope that you are rocked by that every moment and your vulnerability opens someone else’s eyes to their own. Xo

  2. Give it time. I’m 10 years out from a similar situation. You will learn that trust is earned, and you will learn to identify red flags. You won’t want to be taken advantage of again, so you will start listening to your gut in a different way. You’ll still be you stronger and wiser.