I Have A Crappy Dad – But I’m Okay!
I used to be someone who hated the idea of getting married. I have been through too many divorces (my own and those of my parents) to feel like marriage was something I ever wanted to be a part of again. My experience with marriages and other serious relationships had me feeling like I needed to be able to cut ties and get out of a bad situation at a moments notice. I’m not the sort of girl who has trouble cutting losses and letting go.
I guess I have my dad to thank for that. But you know what? It’s okay. Because even though I have a crappy dad…I’m okay!
It sounds cold. I’ve been told more than once that I am a bit of an ice queen. Maybe I’m just naturally like that, or maybe it’s because waiting for hours in the Montana snow for your dad to pick you and your little sister up after school freezes your heart a little bit. I used to usher my sister underneath some pine trees when the teachers would lock up the school so they wouldn’t see us waiting three hours after school for our dad to pick us up AGAIN. This went on until we moved across the country when I was a teenager.
Which is a good thing, because nine times out of ten he never showed up. Move over, Elsa.
Do you know what happened when he didn’t show up? I would hike up my little snow pants and haul my little sister home on foot, promising snacks and when that didn’t work, bullying her into walking through the cold. We would show up banging on the door until my mom answered. I would stand there and watch the realization come over her face changing from shock to anger. An experience I only understand the full gravity of now that I am a mother myself.
My mom is a champion. She worked her butt off and showed me what it takes to push yourself when you haven’t got any fight left. I watched her claw her way out of every bad scenario we went through, carrying us with her. She wasn’t perfect, but I’m proud of the woman I am today and I have her to thank for that.
I could go on and on about how often my dad slept all day and forgot about picking us up on the few times a year he would actually plan to see us. I could rehash a million memories of all the shitty things he did (that I’m sure he has a million excuses for) but I won’t. I feel like there are enough women (and men) who know how it feels to be let down repeatedly by a parent.
I want to talk about that rootless feeling every kid with no support has, that they never realize isn’t normal until something (or someone) solid grabs your hand and pulls you in to what real love is supposed to feel like. I want to talk about how hard it is to reverse the damage that is done to your soul when someone who is supposed to care about you more than anything in the world, doesn’t. I want to talk about how they expect you to follow rules, and get good grades, and share your things, but they can never put you first. I want to talk about how every time they tell you they love you, you hear an unspoken “but I love myself more.”
Last year my boyfriend’s dad, my kids’ grandfather, James, got sick right around the same time my sister went on a trip to see my Dad. We thought it was a heart attack. Every hour was gut-wrenching. My boyfriend’s family is my family. His mom and I go shopping together whenever we can. His dad and I laugh at the same inappropriate jokes. It’s easy to love them for the same reasons it’s easy to love their son. I cherish the bond I have with them the same way I cherish the one I have with my mom.
I was sitting there with my sister waiting to hear news of how James is doing. She was waiting with me (even though she was supposed to be packing for her trip up to see my dad) when an anger I haven’t felt in years just flooded over me. When did my dad’s excuses start working on me again? How is it fair that my single-mom sister was spending the last little bit of money she had to fly up to see my dad when it would be just as easy and less expensive for him to come here? How was it fair that James, who calls me just to chat on his way home from work, who drops everything to help us when we need it, is in the hospital, when my own dad can’t be bothered to dial a few numbers to call his kids, let alone make time to see them?
I decided then and there that I was going to take a page from the book of my eight-year-old self and not keep forgiving my dad, that I wasn’t going to keep putting in effort he wasn’t putting in. That I’m not going to let myself be heartbroken anymore. Because when your boyfriend’s dad finds the time to call you and tell you that he loves you from a hospital bed, no excuse will ever be good enough.
When every man your Mom was with after she divorced him as made a place for you in their lives and hearts. No excuse is good enough.
So this is for the women (and men) who don’t have dads.
You need to understand that their failures are their failures, not yours. You need to understand that it’s okay to say “No, I can’t forgive you when you won’t change.” You need to know that having a dad is great, but you’ll be just fine if you can’t rely on the one you have. It’s okay to disassociate yourself from someone who only causes you heartache. It’s okay to put yourself first.
It’s okay to not want to get married when you’ve seen so much turmoil come from it. It’s okay to change your mind when you finally realize that you would love nothing more than to have the same last name as the man you love, and the amazing people who raised him.
It’s okay to tell your boyfriend to ask your mom’s permission to propose.
And you can be damn sure it’s okay to ask your mom to walk you down the aisle.
Because you know what? My dad might be crappy but I have SO many other people in my life who love me no matter what. And even if I recognize now that I can’t depend on my birth father, I am so Very grateful for the other men in my life whom I know I can depend on – no matter what.
This is just my story and my feelings. I know some people who have crappy moms, or no parents at all. If you feel comfortable, leave me a comment down below and share how you cope.
Yes I totally agree with all your feelings here. My siblings try to tell me to forgive my dad and let go of all that but I don’t want to. I don’t need someone in my life who cares only about himself and will only talk to me if I’m making my life revolve around him. And one day if I have kids I don’t want them to have to be let down by their ‘pop’. My step dad is my father as far as I’m concerned he has been there for me through thick and thin since I was 4 and never expects anything in return.
Yet another woman with the misguided belief that only dads are this way. Surprise buttercup! Mom’s can be this way too! There are tons of kids who’re raised by single fathers and mothers they see once ever 3-5 years!
Did you not read all the way to the end? She stated in the last paragraph that she knows there are people with crappy mothers too or no parents at all. She’s writing from HER experience. In HER experience it was HER father who was crappy. Don’t be a jerk calling her misguided “buttercup”! What an ass you are!
Thank you for this. It is honest and powerful and reminds me that despite the disappointment I feel from my dad, I too, am ok.
Hey, I totally agree with this. I had no father growing up, he wasn’t there. I then had a step father who was no better. He was mentally abusive and an alcoholic that my mom put first. His daughter and I were a month apart and at first hated eachother but then realized he was the thing we didn’t like. When I became an teen mom I moved out and started a life of my own. He would still try to meddle with my life with my ex and me about our daughter until one day I cut him out completely. He never met my other children, never called on holidays, didn’t talk at all. He was put in the hospital after a bad car accident and later passed away. I had the chance to say good bye and I didn’t take that chance. Something inside me said he was going to get better. He didn’t get better and I never got to say good bye. It hurts but at the same time I feel stronger because I stood my ground against someone who was never there for me and was supposed to be. I do miss the father figure however I have an amazing father in law who is my dad. I have also since started talking to my biological father some.
Very well said. I had a dad that wasn’t always there (he was a linn haul trucker)but he tried to make sure that when he was that he told me he loved me. I now foster kids and see them go through some of the feelings/experiences you’ve spoken of and is heartbreaking. I try to give them the love and stability and support you speak of but they often won’t accept it or trust it but I keep trying…..a few have come back….a few have stayed….a few went back home and it was good and some not so good. I wish they could all realize….like you did that their birth family failures are not theirs and they can succeed and build a “family” from those around them that may not share their blood.
Thank you.
Shelley
This hit me so hard. When i was just 15 i actually got the words “i dont want you” from my dad. My mum and i were not getting along and i wanted to move to dads house. When he said those words i was heartbroken and felt like i only had one option and that was to move in with my boyfriend as soon as i turned 16. Fast forward 10 years my 8 year old now asks why his dad doesnt give a shit. Id subconsciously chosen a man exactly like my dad. Im now married to the most wonderful man but my eldest son doesnt understand how his new dad can effortlessly love and want to spend with him whilst his bio dad cant be bothered to answer a phone call.
LOVE. LOVE, LOVE! My real Dad sucks…didn’t even come to my baby brothers funeral after he was murdered…HUGS and thanks for a great article and the truth
Thank you for such a beautiful article.. My two youngest children had their Biological Dad neglect, and physically abuse them which eventuated into him not having anything to do with them. I witnessed their hearts harden and their smiles turn to blank hopeless facial expressions but it’s coming up to six months without him no longer hurting them and they have learnt through many social interactions with well behaved men to differentiate between good men and bad men and they realise to let go of their biological dad as he is a bad behaved man. But somedays they need a reminder and this article has provided me the words I will keep close to my heart and ensure to narrate to my children on their bad days so they know they aren’t alone and that they will lead a positive and healthy life without a biological father. You have not only provided my children with hope but also myself.. Thank you! And Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Therapy, yoga & wine!
This hit so close to home. My mom walked me down the Isle nearly 7 years ago. My dad was not happy about it, and I didn’t and don’t care. There was no other person that was deserving of giving me away. Everything I am is owed to her. She has been there for everything. She is not perfect, but I know she always did the best she knew, and it was always with mine and my sister’s best interest in mind. I too had a crappy dad, and I am OK. Much love!
My husbands birth father was the same. My husband did have enough courage to walk away for good in his late teens. I think here and there he still wonders what he did wrong that his own father couldn’t take the time to hang out with him. To me it’s awful and I fully realize how lucky I was growing up and still am today. My husband was lucky in that his mother remarried and his “step” dad was amazing. Loved his sons more than anything. Of course his “step” dad died in 2008. My husband always says that was his real dad, only dad he knows. My husband in turn is the best dad i could ask for to our girls. Loves them more than anything and shows them everyday. I may not know you, but am sure you are a wonderful person and am sorry you had to go through that crap! Glad you have your mom and your boyfriends family to show you real love. Everyone deserves that. Wishing you and your younger sister the best!
Your post resonates deeply with me. This is the situation for my daughter. It is nice to hear what her future self might think and feel about her birth father…I pray that she is able to come to a similar realization with grace and be gentle with herself. My fear is that she may somehow internalize his shortcomings…and allow them to errode her self-esteem in some way. I am very selective about the men I bring into her world because it is so very important for me that she recognizes that there are good men, kind men, reliable men in the world too. Hopefully she will see that despite the fact he is her father, that he is the exception, not the norm!
Thank you for your article. This is what my children have and are experiencing. They are now 14 and 15 and I see a hardening of their hearts when that man doesn’t show up again. And again. And again. I see the tears they try to hide and I feel my heart breaking every single time. I only pray that I’ve done a good job to show them that love is all around them regardless if it’s not from their ‘father’.
It was my mother who was crappy. She didn’t want me. She wanted to give me to my grandmother, but it was worked out so that she came to live with us and raised me ( not my older brother; she wanted him). I don’t forgive her for all of the emotional and physical abuse. I do thank her for making me the person that I am today – not her. It is my grandmother that I thank for making me the loving and strong person that I am today. My mother needed me at the end and, of course I was there, not her son. Ironic. It took a few years, but I no longer hear her voice spewing negativity in my head. I sometimes felt sorry for her, but it was her choice. Me? I cope by betting a way better person than she ever was.
Thank you for this article. I have been through the same. Then the legacy continues and now my daughter gets to experience it even worse with my choice of a so called man. The pattern must stop. Lots of praying helps us.I tell my daughter that God is our Ultimate Father. and He is, really…
I feel the same Sherry! I tell my daughters the same. I also tell them since they are teens now to make sure they find a man when God shows them they are ready to date ( and when we allow) and to find a man that loves Jesus more than he would love you then that man will love you like you deserve and then once they are married then your husbands will love you the way God has commanded for him to love as Christ loves the church. I tell them to forgive their earthly dads as God forgives us. I also tell them when we put God first as our Heavenly Father God gives all that we need. In the end it’s these earthly dads that are the ones that are missing out.
Thank you for expressing every emotion I’ve ever felt towards my own father… you’re exactly right it’s alright to say “No I can’t forgive you when you don’t change”. So many times I’ve been let down before and now being grown up the last time I saw him was when my daughter was born it is almost two years now. I have almost the same situation only he blames me for not calling him or searching for him… what he’s forgotten is I have when I was a child I called, left messages, sent letters told him about my volleyball games and what time and where to be only to hear his voice mail and never be called back… months would pass and his scheduled days he was supposed to be there he would always without question never show up and he had so many excuses… well those days are gone those opportunities he had are done… there comes a time when even as a child the disappointment is enough . On my birthday he copied my facebook profile picture and said happy Birthday to me that way… he knows where I live and he has my phone number so that says a lot. I too have hard time committing to my boyfriend with marriage because I too have seen so much turmoil coming from it… Thankfully my mother met a man who never gave me excuses who was always there for me when I needed him he is my stepfather and everytime I see how much he’s willing to help me how much he’s done for me there just shouldn’t be any excuse for my biological father so no I shouldn’t have to forgive and forget… if even now he hasn’t changed. Thank you for sharing. I’ve now now for a long while that’s it’s ok to put myself first as well ❤
My dad is a harsh, overbearing, unrealistic, perfectionist. I help a couple of days a week to look after my mom who has Alzheimers . My dad yells at my mom for things she cannot help. Superficial, unimportant crap. He’s taking his fear , anger, and grief out on her and me. He treats my sisters differently than he treats me. I keep talking with him to a minimum for one thing. For another, I try to take into account the gender, generational, and personality differences, which are HUGE!! He is there for me in a crisis, however he seems to be of the opinion if I am not like he is, I’m wrong. I TRY to remember he loves me to the best of his ability. His mom seemed to be similar to him in many ways. I try to step back, see if there’s any value in his harsh words. I remind myself that he could and should have phrased that in a kinder way, but that’s my dad. He’s harsh, smart, to the point, and in your face, but I think he means well. He just delivers opinions like a wrecking ball! Not great for one’s self esteem, but he’s the dad I have, so I glean what I can, and I keep going for the sake of my beloved mother. She deserves the world. She’s the polar opposite of my dad, so it provides balance!
Completely relatable and understandable. For me, it was both parents. I was raised by a bitter and angry step-monster who resented the fact she felt like she had to take care of me. Letting go at a young age was the only way cope with my feelings of anger and abandonment and I’ve never looked back. Thank you for sharing your story.
My Dad hasn’t been the biggest support… Well he hasn’t been there at all. Many Ssturdsy afternoons we would wait for a man who would never show up. He pulled stunts to drive out Mother nuts just because he could. I now have a very hard time trusting men truly… And am pregnant with my first child, and alone.
I hate that (unknowingly) I picked a crappy Dad for my children. Luckily he just left their lives, but it kills me that not only is there a hole where a father should be but also they have to go without due to the fact that we live off of my income alone. He owes over $60,000. In back support that no one seems to be able to do anything about. Just for the record my ex-husband and I were married 10 years before my twins were born and 6 of those years we were doing fertility treatments, so it’s not like he wasn’t ready for kids!! I just don’t want them to ever feel less then because their “Dad” is a heartless, horrible man that has never even tried to see or talk to my 12 year olds since they were 2.
I know it’s fine. It’s OK. We don’t need them. We don’t need anybody. We’ll survive. It just sucks. It just really sucks. Not all the time of course, but when it hits you, your reality vs your dreams of how your relationship with your parents should be, it just feels crappy. Then you be fine, or the best you’ve ever been in fact. And the vicious cycle repeats.
Testify!
So my child’s dad is the dad that can’t be faffed. He would rather sleep all day at weekends than spend time with us and then he says to our child that it’s because he works all the time for us to have nice things which is why he is always tired – reverse psychology and blame shifting through guilt – she is so small and craves the attention I can’t tell her he won’t give because he is too self obsessed! It’s heart breaking to watch….from your mums side – she would have hated every second and probably prayed for the day that you realised he was a scumbag!!
I feel the same way. But i let everything affect me and with not forgiving him i just kept dwelling on everything and letting the past affect me today, so I forgave him, not for him but for myself, so that i can just move on with my life and focus on the here and now. I have stopped putting in effort to have a relationship with him when he does not put forth the same effort. My dad has lied to me countless times and has never been there for me and he has also broke a lot of promises he has made to me. I also have sisters that i never knew about and he never once told any of his family about me. The way i found out about everything was on facebook and by talking to my step mom (his wife/my step mom, whom are now separated). I’m sure that there is still a lot more family on my dads side that still doesn’t know about me, just as i don’t know about them. Also because of him my step mom and my biological mom did not like each other. He lied to them both and he still continues to lie to us all.. I know he will never change. He has claimed a boy who isn’t even his and has taken better care of him and everything under the sun, but never took care of his 3 ,including myself, biological daughters. For the dad that i lost as a child i gained a lot more people who really love me and that i know i can count on. I used to always be upset over the fact that i never had my dad in my life and how i always wished that he was there. That made me blind to all the love that i already had sitting right in front of me, my family. I no longer dwell on not having a dad in my life because of all the love i have from everyone else. My dad also got mad that i didn’t tell him about the health concerns that i was having. I didn’t feel the need that i had to tell him anything since he was never there and never helped me out with anything. I feel that he doesn’t have that right. But that is just me and my feelings.
I feel terrible for all the kids that don’t have one of their parents in their life, because it is a horrible feeling and thing to go though. I Want better for the kids that i want to have in the future but it scares me to even think about having kids with someone for the fear of them leaving and not being in our child’s life. I could never take my future kids away from their father unless it was for their own safety. This blog post has definitely helped me really know that i was not alone in how i felt.
I feel the same way. My father is a text book definition of a Narcissist. He has routinely never defended me against his new wife. He always took the side (right or wrong) that caused him the least amount of problems. Which was always his new wife’s side, because he has to live with her. They both blame me for the step daughters short comings in life. Even though she is on antiphycodics and different things to make her some what normal. Ever since he remarried I’ve been the escape goat for everyone’s problems. And I never understood why my mom left him, till she was no longer able to shield me from his genuine self. And finally after six years of dealing with the psychological games him and his wife kept playing on me, to make me the bad guy,, I walked away. I no longer want him in my life, but now that I don’t want anything to do with him, he keeps trying to pull me back in. I’ve moved on, and I refuse to allow my son be around someone so manipulative and mentally abusive. I was able to distance my self when I looked at my son and realized I didn’t want him to have to deal with the games I went through. And my son continues to be an inspiration to not talk to him.
This subject angers me so because you have described my son to a ‘T’. I feel terrible for him but love him enough for 2 parents. I have struggled to bite my tongue when talking about his ‘donor, he doesn’t deserve the title of dad’ and never say anything negative to my son. He is now 15 and had 9 years to form his own opinions, he doesn’t try to reach out any longer.
I am very happy that you are in a good place in your life. Continued prayers for your happiness