I Tried A Diva Cup And Now I Hate Life

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Okay, let me start off by saying that I love the idea of using a Diva Cup. No tampons to fuss with, no scary toxic shock syndrome, less of an environmental impact; plus you save money. But- it’s easier said than done. Gird your loins, because we’re about to get messy. This is my Diva Cup experience…

menstruation cup

For those of you who don’t know what a Diva Cup is, it’s a silicone cup that is used to catch menstrual blood in place of a cotton tampon. It uses suction to stay in place, and when you’re ready, you remove it and pour the blood down the toilet, rinse it off, and reinsert. Seems simple, right? I got my diva cup as a gift from an environmentally conscious friend who knew I wanted to try one. I knew there was a learning curve to using a product like this, but I figured it would be worth it in the end. Well; the jury is still out on that one.

So, I’ll spare you the details of insertion, since there was nothing really noteworthy about that, other than a slightly uncomfortable feeling that went away as my body got used to it’s presence, and getting a little more personal with my lady bits than I am used to having to do. I will say I enjoy going to bed knowing that I don’t need to worry about TSS or leaking. Everything was as promised when I woke up, but removing this thing was no easy feat…

It started like this… I’m sitting on the toilet and start feeling for the stem of this thing, and I can feel it, but I cant grip it. If I can’t even grip the stem, how am I going to pinch the bottom of this thing to release the suction? So after much fishing around, I still can’t get it.  Okkaaayyyyyy…so now what?

I try lifting up one leg. Still can’t get it. In my head I am already imagining a frantic call to my friend and/or boyfriend begging  for help in extricating this thing from my vageen. I lean left. I lean right. Jump up and down a little. No luck.

For a few minutes I sit there, completely stumped as to what I should do. Maybe squatting would work? But isn’t having to take off your pants entirely a little bit ridiculous? Is there a YouTube tutorial for this? No wait, I don’t want to see a YouTube tutorial for this. Are my fingers ridiculously short? How many fingers should I be using? It’s not a hotel lobby in there. AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.

So, now that I’ve been in the bathroom for entirely too long- I’m finally ready to get down to business. I ditch the pants, climb into the tub, and assume the position. I’m already thinking about how I’m going to need to bleach the ever loving shit out of this tub, and start fishing around for this mother-effer.

Okay, it’s a little more accessible from this position, but still eluding me. I start calling upon every childbirth technique I know, and bearing down like my life depends on it. The Rocky song is playing in my head. In the movie of my life, this part would be a motivational and inspiring montage.

This is pretty much the grossest thing that has ever happened in this bathtub, and my kid has pooped in here several times.

I can’t believe I still haven’t gotten it out. This is ridiculous. I’ve got shit to do today. So I push. HARD. I’m not sure how many fingers I had to use to get a handle on it, but I can tell your for sure I’ll never forget what happened next.

I start slowly pulling it out, thinking that I’ll daintily pour it out and be on my way. About halfway through removing it, I knew that wasn’t going to be an option. I can feel the pressure of the opening of the cup the closer I get to having it all the way out. It’s about to be a massacre in here. I know it.

I felt it pop open as it came out there was an audible splash.

my diva cup experience

It was everywhere. On my legs. On my feet. Pretty much up to my elbows (okay, that’s probably an exaggeration.). AND there was still some in the cup. It looked like a scene straight out of Carrie. I was entirely disgusted, but also impressed with all that my uterus had done while I was sleeping. Like, good uterusing, uterus.

I spend an unladylike amount of time considering taking a picture of it, sending it to my friend with the caption “LOOK AT WHAT I HAVE DONE.” but ultimately decided not to. Instead, I rinsed out the tub, scrubbed myself clean, put the diva cup away, and sent off these two text messages instead.

The first to my friend.

my diva cup experience

and the next to my boyfriend

my diva cup experience

So, I really want to love you, Diva Cup, but I fear you and I just aren’t meant to be. I’m going to try the smaller size before I relegate myself to using tampons forever, but like, I like my tub, and blood stains grout like a bitch. Know what I’m sayin’? I hope you understand.

Sincerely,

Bitter and Bloodspattered.

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179 Comments

  1. Keep trying! I’m sure it’s not for everyone, but I had a mooncup for a year that I didn’t use because every time I tried it, it was a horrible experience. But then I gave it another shot, and once you get it mastered, you’ll never go back! You save SO much money, and it’s environmentally sound, and most importantly, you’re not shoving bleach up your cooch. Let’s face it, corporations, and Western society in general, don’t care too too much about women’s health.

  2. Hah. I have a retroverted uterus and a cervix that apparently sits too low during my period for a menstrual cup. I tried the smallest size of all of the brands (I did some research) and trimmed the stem to the point where if I took off anymore, there’d be leaking and it still felt like the Hulk was punching me in the ovaries when I walked and tried to sit down. It was a huge let down because I really wanted it to work. :'( Now I have the Nexplanon implant and don’t have to worry, thankfully. <3

  3. Sad that you didnt take fotos of the mess. That would had been much more telling than a thousand words.

  4. I am hearing you. It took a few cycles to get used to it too. If I am out, I take a drink bottle to rinse it off before re-inserting and sometimes it is awkward. But after a couple of years now, I don’t plan on going back to tampons unless I get caught short. Good luck if you try it again!

  5. Hilarious and so true!! I found it took two full cycles before I got the hang of it. Still afraid to use it if I’m going to have to empty it in a public washroom…

  6. Seriously made my day, I was laughing so hard. Thanks for sharing!

  7. Yup – they are NOT for everyone. I tried one before entering the Peace Corps because it *seemed* like such a great idea, and I had friends who loved theirs.

    I customized it almost immediately by cutting off the stem (that bit was ouchy for me), and tried it through a couple of cycles, and it was just *ugh*. Uncomfortable to painful at worst.

    Nothing to do with being uncomfortable with my body, or not inserting it properly, or not being relaxed enough, or giving up too soon…. it just didn’t work for me. I wish it had, but I had tampons mailed to me for two years instead, which also worked.

  8. I somehow managed to vacuum mine onto my cervix. I had to go to the hospital to get it out.

    1. Oh no! Sorry but this made me laugh, you poor thing!

  9. I use softcup. It’s shaped more like a diaphragm and easily forms to your body, so you don’t have to get used to the feeling at all. And because the ring is rigid, pulling it out is super easy! Although, I haven’t quite mastered pulling it out without spilling the blood yet. Only spilling it on my hand, but still spilling. I would definitely say it is worth a try. They are technically disposable, but they can be reused. I usually use mine for 1-2 days, sterilizing it with 70% isopropyl alcohol, though the material isn’t an optimum breeding place for bacteria.

  10. Try the Instead Soft Cups. You can get them at Walgreens. They are disposable and easier to get out.

  11. This had me in tears I was laughing so hard! Thanks for sharing your hysterical story!

  12. They are the single most disgusting thing ever invented!! I think they are uncomfortable, leak and are generally unsanitary and many find they have repeated UTIs when they use them. Nice in theory, but horrible in reality.

    1. Okay I’m genuinely curious, how do they give people UTIs? They shouldn’t be near the opening of the urethra, and removal shouldn’t be any more likely to displace menstrual blood onto it than pads or tampons are.

  13. I just needed to say: this post made my day. Thank you.

  14. I had a few bloodbath moments during removal as well when I first started using the cup, but eventually I got the hang of it and it was awesome! No more worrying about leaks, you can wear it through night, you can insert it before you start on the day it’s suppose to arrive (if you are regular or on the pill). But the absolute best part is how much money you save and the lack of waste for the environment. When removing the cup, the most important part is to relax. If you panic and get all tensed up it will not come out. Just relax and bear down like you’re doing a number two, and reach up as high as you can to break the suction. Pinching the tip is not enough, so you’re going to need to get comfortable with yourself down there! Eventually I was able to just do it over the toilet to catch any spills.

  15. Funny, I kinda have the opposite problem–mine has always felt like it was trying to fall out of me. The worst was shoveling snow, doing heavy lifting, and inadvertently bearing down on it in the process. I was worried it would get pushed completely out of me.? During heavy flow days I usually have to empty mine frequently. Maybe I need a larger size? Also I had to cut off the handle because it was rubbing holy hell on my “lady bits”. In spite of all my issues with it, I keep using it because I still think it’s better than tampons, and I can use the toilet in front of my 4 y.o. daughter without awkward questions (like when we’re shopping and have to use the store restroom).

  16. Wait, you tried it once? Once?
    I had to give it up and try a Lady Cup…fits me much better.

  17. There is one on AliExpress with a valve for emptying so you don’t need to remove it so often. Periods were never so easy. Best sanitary invention.
    P.s. Your hilarious.

    1. I tried that one (there are two types actuall, tried both). Nice invention in theory, but leakes like crazy. At least for me.

  18. I’ve used the diva cup for two years and I love it! It’s not perfect, but it’s much cleaner and sanitary than sitting in a wet diaper or stuffing a giant chemical soaked tampon up in your lady business. I have fibroids, so I bleed a lot and have ever experienced the unfortunate Carrie massacre you had. I’m sorry that happened to you because it does sound unfortunate and unpleasant.

    However, I agree it sounds like you either had a size to big or didn’t figure out how to insert it incorrectly to begin with, which I admit, takes awhile to figure this out how to do this properly for your body. I am small and usually never feel an uncomfortableness unless I have inserted it improperly. When that’s the case, I take it out and re-do. Perhaps starting to get panicked wouldn’t have helped either because you tense up. Being fully comfortable with your anatomy with what you are placing in and taking out while staying fully relaxed is key. Also slightly lubricating before inserting helps too. Just my two cents.

    Best of luck to you!

  19. Reading this made me laugh out loud! :’D I promise, though, it will get better, and it’s worth it! Maybe the Diva Cup is not for you? Plenty of other brands out there with softer silicone, longer stems, and so on. 🙂

  20. This is so funny – I just thought it was me…after two kids, one nearly 10lbs! I actually can get it out..but not without an unholy mess

  21. Tell us what happens with the smaller one, all right? I have disabilities that mean I’m never really going to be able to try one without serious agony (dislocating wrist, shoulder, possibly fingers, and the issues of inserting a cup when you have vulvodynia), but I have periods from hell – my sis and I call them ‘shark week’ and ‘massacre scene’ between ourselves, as I have menorrhagia & dysmenorrhoea and she has PCOS – and I’d be interested to know if you get the thing to work.

    I hate periods. I have to use super-plus Tampax, super-plus pads and a pantyliner taped on sideways just to save my underwear, and with my last period even those didn’t spare me – woke up having bled thru all three, wrecked my cotton knickers and bled all the way to the outside of my pol1y-cotton-blend sleep shorts. I saved the shorts, but the knickers were a dead loss. X_X; I went without a single period for six months this year from March to September, and I was almost praying they just would never come back, ever. I’m in bed and barely able to crawl for days with mine as I’ve also got nerve damage in my lower back, so that gets spiked all the way down my legs and makes my knees so weak they won’t bear me. I need heating pads and morphine together just to be coherent during. Blasted things. Good luck to you!

    1. I LOVE my diva cup! I have been using it for 10 years. I have cerebral palsy mostly affecting my lower body and long gushing periods (7-10 days) sometimes 2 periods a month. Before the cup, 1 gush would run right through the tampon & pad ruining my panties and pants. I also hated that sickly sweet smell you get when you are on your period I have trouble reaching down & around so sometimes I can’t relax enough to insert or remove the Diva Cup. Lubricating it does help along with bearing down to grab the bottom to break the suction. Practice when you are not on your period and staying calm are essential. Twice now the cup was stuck way up there unable to reach it. My advice: wait till it overflows lubricating & allowing gravity to assist you. Wear a pantyliner to catch the overflow. Also, try other brands as well it you find one that works for you. Good luck.

  22. I guess I just got really lucky with mine and have been using it without a hitch since the very first time I inserted it. I love it mostly because I only have to change it twice a day – morning and night – when I’m at home. I don’t have to worry about making sure I’ve got tampons in my purse, or counting the hours til I need to find a bathroom to change it, or having to wear a panty liner because tampons ALWAYS leaked (even the “no leak” ones. They are LIARS).

    I had heard about the cup in college but was a little freaked out by the idea. I finally went for it in my early 20s after an OBGYN appointment for yet another infection. In my Drs’ words “tampons make your vagina angry. Start being nice to your vagina!” lol haven’t had an infection since ditching the tampons (averaged 1-2 per year before).

    I have never had a hard time inserting it (make sure you’re relaxed and at a comfortable angle), removing it (bear down and break the suction before trying to pull it out), or with it making a mess everywhere (I do it sitting on the toilet or in the shower but I’ve still never dropped it).

  23. I will remember this line forever:

    “It’s not a hotel lobby in there.”

    You, my friend, are a goddess.

  24. Yes, I have been there. It is really hard the first time but I passionately recommend that you try again. After a few more tries it will be like you’ve always done it and you’ll wonder why you ever found it so hard.

    Personally, I feel liberated by my cup. No smelly waste bin, no yucky sticky feeling, no fear of leaking through my clothes while coworkers are watching. Flush, rinse, done.

    I only discovered the cup a few years ago and I’m already in my forties. I just wish I had known about it sooner.

  25. I had a mooncup and I loved it (am too old now) just wish I’d discovered them in my 20s not my 40s. Anyway, the mooncup version comes with a long tail that you cut to suit your lady parts making removal a lot easier!
    I bought one for my late-teens, environmentally conscious niece (the smaller size) but she never tried it for some reason she was too embarrassed. My sister tried it and complained it didn’t work – but it was never meant for her – she was in her 40s and had 3 kids and should have had the larger size. She was also used to using a cap contraceptive and pushed the darn thing right up to where a cap would go. So now she goes around rubbishing them to all and sundry.

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