I Watched Bird Box, So You Don’t Have To

It all starts with Sandra Bullock calling her kiddos Boy and Girl. That seems telling… she’s basically yelling at them, but in that “I am your mom and this is what’s best for you” sort of way. They are going on some sort of trip.

And they put their bird in a box. They have to take a trip blindfolded, but they remembered their bird. Like, okay?

This is pretty hardcore. Rowing down a river blindfolded with her kids. All in like, the first thirty seconds. They really dropped us right into the action.

I was wrong. Five years earlier flashback… welp, here we go. She’s a painter. Oh, good. That means she’s sensitive, and she gets people.

Except that she’s pregnant– presumably with one of those babies from earlier, or maybe both? And she’s totally not into it. So not into it that she’s actually considering adoption. Whoa. This is a far cry from the woman we met earlier that is protecting her kids with her life.

Juxtaposition. I like it.

Oh some lady went nuts at the hospital. She just rammed her head into the glass wall. Sarah Paulson is driving Sandy now. They are sisters and headed somewhere…

Okay, this is hardcore. WHOA! Her sister is driving like a crazy person, her phone rang. IS THIS CONNECTED?!?

Wreck. NO. Flipped car. Everyone is running. Mass chaos is officially ensuing.

They’re okay, they get out okay, except that her sister just ran in front of a bus. So long, Sarah…

Some woman just got into a burning car. This is crazy. Is that John Malkovich? Now they are all trying to get on their phones. Is this a thing? Is this going to be a problem?

Now they’re hanging out in a house, a group of normal people trying to figure out what is going on. They’ve decided that if you look at it, it makes you kill yourself, or hurt yourself.

More conjecture, maybe the monster takes on the form of your worst fears. Dude, I need to see this monster. One guy pretty much just explained exactly what is happening to everyone, but nobody believes him, because he’s a lowly supermarket clerk.

Womp, womp.

They were supposed to close the windows, but she’s staring out one.

Okay flash forward back to the kids on the river. They’ve been on the river six hours.

Oh, good– it’s one of those movies that bounces back and forth in time. That means I need to pay some serious attention.

Sandy has a walkie talkie. That must mean that phones are out and walkies are in. And now there’s spooky river sounds. Sounds like the creature-that-must-not-be-seen is everywhere.

Flashback to the house from 5 years ago. Nobody is allowed to go outside or look at anything.

There’s a knock at the door. The house gang is outside. John Malkovich doesn’t want to let anyone in, but everyone else does. Sandy is like “open the door, I got a shotgun.” So now we know she means business. She’s in the house, and she’s pregnant. It’s the girl from Dumplin’ wtf?

I bet this is how she gets two kids!

Okay, so now the people in the house (there’s about ten of them btw) are deciding how to get some supplies. They’re almost out of food. The owner of the house, he agrees to look at the het signature video so they can figure out how to get out of the house when they’re blindfolded.

There’s like this hot-shot cop girl, that every time we look at her she seems to be all hardcore. It really seems like she’s going to be one of the first to go. But the house-owner is still in his house watching the videos. Not totally sure what he’s up to, other than wanting to see the monster.

Oh, that did not work. He saw them on the camera, and killed himself. Boom. Done.

This movie is kind of dark in that it’s hard to see if you’re watching it in the middle of the day for a blog post. I need to close my shutters. Not because I am scared of the monster or anything, but because I need to see the movie better. Mmmk?

Pregnant girl party. The Dumplin’ chick comes to hang with Sandy, and she’s like “I want to name my daughter Jasmine, or Ariel. Maybe Cinderella.” And Sandy is just like “Oh, nice…”

Methinks Dumplin’ isn’t long for this world. There’s this cute guy that lives in the house. Always talking to Sandy. I hope he doesn’t die. I am already shipping them.

Back to the river. There’s like someone trying to get the kids to take off their blindfolds. It’s like some sort of creepy man in a van with candy vibe. He’s not here to hurt them, he can pull them to shore, etc.

Oh now he’s like attacking Sandy B. The bird in the box is squeaking. He’s all “TAKE YOUR BLINDFOLD OFF.” But like, we aren’t even sure if he’s really there? Okay, he’s dead. She killed him with a machete.

Okay, to the house. They’re out of food. They have to go get some food. Sandy is going to go with the food run people. I mean, what? The best idea is that the pregnant lady goes?

They blacked out all the windows an are driving with sensors and gps. Oh, smart. But now the sensors are saying there’s something all around them.

Probably the monster. It’s so windy. Wind seems to like, be the way we know the monsters are coming, methinks. They made it to the supermarket! But like, how are they going to get inside?

They’re headed into the supermarket blindfolded. They’ve got the key. Okay, so here we go. Food! So like, this is five years earlier? How did she survive this long?

They’re getting canned goods, food, and toilet paper. Walkie talkies. I am confused. Why didn’t they just come here instead? How are they going to fit all this stuff into the back of the blacked out Jeep? This doesn’t make any sense. How are they going to get this food back home?

There’s definitely some chemistry flying between younger hot guy and Sandy B. He wants to touch her prego belly? What?

Now Sandy finds a bird in the pet section of the supermarket. I am guessing the bird from the beginning? They have limited room in this Jeep, and she grabs a bird and a birdcage? I mean, I guess John Malkovich is wanting to drink booze.

But, he’s making sense, he’s like, “Why don’t we just stay at the supermarket?” And everyone is like “We have to go back.”

But, wouldn’t it make more sense for the people to come to them?

Oh, there’s some guy that wants inside. He’s crying. He’s all “please let me in.” I think this might be the end for young hot guy. But supermarket guy knows him.

Oh, but the birds are going crazy! THAT is how you know! When the birds go crazy, it means the monster is near. Supermarket guy is dead now. He died kind of unceremoniously. So now they go back to the house. With the food.

Okay back to the river. They’ve been on it for 24 hours. That is a really long time to row. One of the kids fell in! She saved him, but now they don’t have nay food, or water. She’s out of the boat, looking for– I don’t know what? She used a fishing line string to be able to get back to the kids. And now she seems to have found like, a hospital or a school or something?

I mean, she’s got to go get those kids. She just like, left them in the boat. The monster is here, she’s just shooting into the wind, but the kids are staying in the boat.

One of the kids got out of the boat! Sandy got her. She saved her! Okay back in the boat, they have a blanket, and like, some cans.

Back to five years ago. She and hot younger guy are chatting. It’s as hot as the end of the world can be.

There’s someone new in the house. Some non-mattering people left, I forgot about that. Now, we think the guy they let in might be the bad guy… we have no idea at this point. This movie is getting a little all over the place. I need something to happen soon.

Oh, the other pregnant Dumplin’ girl is getting Sandy B. to promise to take care of her baby. They’re having a moment. So yeah, this is how she ends up with both of the kids.

We now know, the girl belongs to the Dumplin’ lady and the boy is Sandy’s. Unless they do some sort of switcheroo later.

Back to the river. They’re talking about the rapids. How does she know so much about the river? And one of the kids is going to have to look at the rapids. Because if she looks, they won’t make it. Sandy is going to decide who looks. She is about to have to decide between her own kid and the other kid.

Back to the house, the Sandy and the other woman are going into labor, and the random other guy that they just let join them in the house is being a weirdo. Like he’s going to be a crazy person. Here we go! Double labor people!

Ahhh, creepy guy has seen it. He’s seen the weirdness. He draws pictures of crazy things. Apparently because he came from the crazy house, it means that he doesn’t really get infected with the crazy the same way.

Oh man, something is about to go down. He’s got the birds. He put the birds away, and he’s going to peek outside. HERE WE GO. Oh no, sexy hot young guy is catching him doing weirdo stuff. He took all of the covers off the wall.

OMG he opened the garage on John Malkovich! John is going to die for sure. Unless he keeps his eyes close.

Sandy had a boy, Dumplin’ had a girl. In the middle of all the crazy. Oh no! Dumplin accidentally looked outside. She is seeing the bad stuff!Sandy got the babies. NO! Dumplin’ just ran outside, and the crazy guy is making everyone look at the outside. He’s crazy. Now everyone in the house is basically dying. They’re all looking outside and finishing up.

He wants the kids to see IT. But John Malkovich is here to save the day! He shot the guy in the arm, and now they are going to fight! Aw, man, he stabbed John Malkovich and now he’s headed up to deal with the babies. Hot younger guy is on the floor next to him, they are fighting over John M’s shotgun.

Who won? AHH! YES! It’s cute younger man. He saved her.

Okay flash forward. Five years later, hanging out with the kids at the house? She and younger guy are both there. It seems like they have a system, like they’re kind of developed a way to survive maybe? She and hot younger guy are a couple, they are in the house with the five year old kids. All is well.

So I guess we are about to find what happens? She hears some people driving around, and it seems to her like they’re driving around like they’re not blindfolded.

I am so here for this interracial relationship with the younger black guy. But like, I married a younger black guy, so of course I am.

They are making contact! Someone on a walkie talkie. They are telling them how to get to the compound? They’re telling them to head to a compound where there are a bunch of them.

This seems a little sketchy to me. Oh, Sandy thinks it’s sketchy too.

Why does she call these kids Boy and Girl? Is this their names? Okay hot guy is like, “You didn’t even give these kids names.”

I… don’t get it.

This monster kind of reminds me of the monster in LOST.

they decided to move to a new house. That seems like how they do things, just go from one house to a next, seems smart. They would hate my house. I do not have enough food for a post apocalyptic situation. I feel like I need to go shopping.

It’s pop tart time. She told the kids that’s what strawberry tastes like. I mean, kind of? OH NO! The scray cars that sound like they don’t have blindfolds on are here.

I bet this is where we lose young guy. He is going to stay and distract them, while she runs to the boat. He has a hook. OH this is NOT GOOD. He shot at the not-blindfolded people. He took off his blondfold to save the kids and Sandy! The people headed to the woods, he’s going to just like battle through to save her. The monster is coming at him!

NO! He just went glassy eyed. (That’s how you know he’s been monster-fied) But he still killed the rando. He saved her! And now, ugh, he’s gone. She’s got no choice. She’s gotta go to the boat.

Just her and Boy and Girl.

She takes a minute or two to mourn. And then she packs up the stuff. Sheesh, hopefully this will finally stop this back and forth of time. It’s really frustrating when movies do this.

Okay, first scene of the movie is happening again. Telling the kids to keep their blindfolds on. She told the kids he isn’t coming. They’ve been on the river 42 hours.

Present day. Hopefully flashbacks are done.

She’s about to choose a kid to look to navigate them through the rapids. Will she choose her kid, or the other one?

I gotta be honest, I am choosing the kid that is not mine. I am a bad person.

She’s decided, she can’t do it. Nobody is looking. She can’t do it, she can’t pick. I am so glad she didn’t pick. But now that I know that about myself, I am not sure how to feel.

Damn you, Birdbox movie.

Alright, it’s time to blind navigate the rapids. In a tiny boat. This is so scary.

The water is so splashy. I do not like this. OMG THEIR BOAT JUST FLIPPED OVER.

She couldn’t pick a kid, and this is what happened. I retract my earlier statement.

She has a bell. It’s like a bicycle bell. She is washed ashore, and ringing the bell. I bet this is conveniently where she should be. THE LITTLE GIRL TOOK OFF HER BLINDFOLD.

Okay Sandy put the blindfold back onto the girl. She had her eyes closed. I mean, I think she didn’t see anything, but she might be crazy.

The birds made it too. The girl saved the bird. So that’s how they know there’s no monster. Okay, I get the bird thing. Now they are wandering through the woods. Sandy fell down.

The kids just split up. This is not good. Everything seems to be amiss.

How will they ever make it through this. TENSE. THIS IS TENSE.

The kids have bells they are ringing them. Boy is going to take off his blindfold! The monster is trying to trick them into taking it off. Now it’s trying to trick the kid.

OMG. She is like standing in between the kids. She is trying to find them. She has Boy. Now she needs Girl.

Girl just took off her blindfold! OMG! Her eyes are closed, but she has no blindfold. Girl is like, a little ways away, no blindfold. Sandy is trying to get girl to come to her. She put her blindfold back on.

The music is serene now. They hear the birds, they think they are on the way to the compound. But now Sandy is hearing people call for her. She is trying to go to them. Hot young guy’s voice is tricking her. But we know he’s done and it’s just the monster trying to get her.

They are trying to follow the birds. But the monster is making a lot of noise and traipsing through the woods all LOST monster style.

Okay, here we go. We gotta get to this magical compound mecca.

Okay they made it inside a place. The place that they talked about on the walkie talkie. The kids are walking with the guy “Rick” that they heard on the walkie talkie. They’re inside the place, and they seem to be safe.

The compound is the school for the blind! OH that’s how they were safe, and she knows they were safe! It’s like a magical place where everyone is okay. They’ve all found it, blind and not-blind, tons and tons of people.

The birds warn the people. They have a little courtyard where everyone can hang out. They’ve covered it so the monster can’t get in, but they can sort of “see” through it just a bit, it’s all pretty and happy.

She meets the doctor that was her doc in the beginning there. She names the kids finally. Olympia for the girl (that was Dumplin’s actual name), and Tom– that was the hot guy’s name. (Maybe, I think… I am so bad at names, I didn’t realize how important the names were going to end up being haha.)

End credits. So, that’s it. The monster is still out there. But now they live in the school for the blind.

Uh, okay?

Want to know why Netflix changed the ending of the movie? Here’s what they said.