I don’t know what it is about me, but other moms just don’t like me, or at least they don’t want to talk to me at the bus stop. It might be the area I’m in. Maybe it’s because I look really young (to be fair, I am a young mom). Maybe it’s because I have resting bitch face. It could be because instead of using “kid voice” when I speak to my kids I just talk to them like I talk to everyone else. I don’t know. It’s totally fine, I’ve never been the type of person who needs to fit in, but it can be tricky when you have little eyes watching and wondering why the other moms seem to avoid having to talk to you. This is what it’s like to be the odd mom out.
I will admit that I’m not what you would call a conventional mom. I cringe when I use that term because I feel like no mom really feels like a “conventional mom”, but for lack of a better word, we’re going to use it.
I am a younger mom, and generally just a smaller person, so I tend too look even younger than I actually am. I wear leggings and over sized T-shirts. I love skinny jeans, cardigans, and boots. I have long messy hair that is most likey thrown into what I like to call the “F-it bun” (you all know what i’m talking about). I carry a backpack instead of a diaper bag. I wear winged eyeliner. I know how to use Twitter and Periscope. I know who Fetty Wap is (unfortunately). I talk about Harry Potter with your kids. Most people, when you look at me, would not immediately think “mom”.
But, like any mom knows, being a mom is the most important thing in my life. I hand-make my kids Christmas stockings. I work from home so my kids don’t have to go to daycare. They go to ballet and gymnastics, just like other kids do. I make homemade granola bars. I painstakingly match their tiny little socks and sort out their legos just like any other mom does. I DIYed our “elf on the shelf” because good god, who wants to spend 30 dollars on that creepy little dude? I love my kids, just like other moms do.
So what is it about me that makes other moms so weird about me? It’s in line at school. It’s at piano lessons. I get that I probably get mistaken for the babysitter, or people are judging me, some people are extroverted, or I’m just intimidating.
But, what REALLY irks me, is that I’ve tried making conversation with these women at the bus stop more than once. They’re polite and they answer, but there is always an underlying feeling of unease, like they’re wondering why I’m talking to them and they’re just waiting for me to usher my kid onto the bus and go home. It’s a little bothersome that I know your children’s birthdays and you don’t even want to know my name. Meh. It’s more effort to make conversation with these women who obviously have no interest in including me in their conversation than I’m willing to put in.
To be fair, the last thing I want to do is talk about mom probs at 7am. I have nothing in common with these women, and in a life without children, we probably would not be friends. BUT- these are the mothers of the kids that hang out in my yard with my daughter after school. It’s almost as if I feel the need to let them know that, I too, am a normal mother, so that they won’t feel weird about their children playing with my children. So far it’s been fine, but there are other issues that are more worrisome than just not being courted by the mom cliques.
If you think your kids don’t notice that three moms are all grouped together and you are standing by yourself- you’re wrong. They definitely notice when these women are together and obviously gossiping about you. Yes, this happens on occasion. Yes, I always look to see if myself or my kids are wearing something weird. My kids are all well groomed and wearing clean clothes that fit. Did I forget to wear a bra? Is my hair crazy? Nope. They’re just rude.
“Mom, how come the other moms don’t talk to you?”
You would think that, as moms, we would try to include each other in polite conversation, after all, we all have something in common. Especially being stay-at-home moms and not getting very much adult interaction, but no. So when these questions are asked by my 8 year old, instead of getting mad and yelling “BECAUSE THEY’RE JUST TOO COOL FOR YOUR OLD MOM” or “I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO THOSE BORING OLD BITTIES ANYWAYS!” , I try to spin it into a lesson, because, honestly, what else am I supposed to do? Let her see me get worked up over these bratty ladies?
“It’s okay if they don’t want to talk to me- they’re just talking to each other. They’re not doing anything wrong”
“But you try and talk to them, but they never try and talk to you.”
“Do you think that what they’re doing is very nice?”
“What do you think is the right thing to do?”
“Try and talk to you so you don’t feel left out”
“What if they just don’t like me?”
“They should still be nice.”
“It’s okay if they don’t want to talk to me, but you’re right, the nice thing to do would be to try and make friends. We can’t make other people be nice, but we can try to be good examples.”
I halfway hope they can hear me from where they’re standing.
I’ve long since given up trying to strike up conversation with these women. I’ve accepted that there is something about me that just doesn’t sit right with them, and that’s ok. So far their kids still play with mine, and they all play together nicely, so that’s all that really matters. I do have other mom friends who are amazing people, so I know I’m not shunned by the entire mom population. We are just a little more like minded.
So, they can have their bus stop clique.
I’ll be sitting here with my skinny jeans on, writing about them on a blog.
Wanna wear winged liner to your bus stop, too? Check out this tutorial!
Sunday 22nd of August 2021
Right Now I would like my mom to stop talking to me.
Wednesday 19th of May 2021
I worked free-lance in the film biz. I’m also a single mom. None of moms ever asked me about my job. The husbands found it interesting and asked a lot of questions. I worked for NFL Films a bunch. As innocent as those convos were with the dads, they all hated me ??♀️ They would also complain to me about their husbands! Like really? You have a man helping you all the time and you’re complaining to me? A single mom! Ew! I loved your ending about the eye liner! ?
Saturday 10th of April 2021
Yes, I have gone through the same thing myself but because I am an older mom. I had a son through an earlier marriage who is now 42. My twins, however, are just 13 and I am 68. I have made friends with some moms, just like you. I chalked the coldness to the age difference. Younger moms probably feel like I’m a mom figure to them which makes them uncomfortable. I always looked at it as being their problem because, through my years of experience, I have so much to give. I agree, though, that it may effect how my children perceive my socializing. However, they do see me with other friends and, being my children, do not see one thing wrong with me because they love me so much. So why obsess over something that you have no control over anyway? Just be as friendly as you naturally are and your true friends will always be there for you.
Btw, thanks for the winged eyeliner tutorial. I’ve been trying to perfect that for more years than I care to mention (lol!)
Saturday 10th of April 2021
I live in a very snobby suburb. I'm the older mom. My kids are 22, 20, 12, and 5. And my now 12 year old was diagnosed high functioning ASD when he was 10. He had always had a rough time socially before his diagnosis. And so I always attended field trips. To say the other mom's on those field trips went out of their way to ignore me is an understatement. I know I don't fit in. I'm not skinny, I don't wear makeup. But, I love my kid, and I want him to enjoy the field trips hopefully without any meltdowns, while behaving decently. I'm really not looking forward to the 5 year old starting school this fall. As I will once again be heading off to field trips with him since 12 moved on to middle school.
Sunday 25th of April 2021
@Susan C., I am so sad that people can be so cruel. I have seen it and I have felt it, but I will not be a "part" of it. I continually remind myself that children learn by observation. We can tell them all the best stories and remind them to include everyone, and use all of the best words that the world has to offer, but it is by watching us that they will learn how to behave. If you lead by example, you will raise wonderful children. I remind my children that the kids that are not nice or are actually straight out mean, often have a reason for acting that way. Of course, in no way is that behavior ever condoned, but just know that it is them, they are their problem and whatever is going on at home is causing this behavior, and it is not you. I feel sad for these children. I ask my kids, can you imagine how sad someone must feel inside for them to behave that way? For them to make themselves feel better by being mean to other children? This thought horrifies my children to the point where they are not angry, they are empathetic. I wish I lived near you. I would be your friend <3, and I'm actually a lot of fun ;). xoxoxo
Saturday 10th of April 2021
I feel exactly like this! Omg its not just me. I do truly try because i like to get to know people but its like they want nothing to do with me. Especially baseball moms they have their clique and get mad at kids who don't help win the game. That is my kid he does baseball for fun and to keep him busy. Wish though I had mom friends.