What It’s Like To Be The Odd Mom Out

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I don’t know what it is about me, but other moms just don’t like me, or at least they don’t want to talk to me at the bus stop. It might be the area I’m in. Maybe it’s because I look really young (to be fair, I am a young mom). Maybe it’s because I have resting bitch face. It could be because instead of using  “kid voice” when I speak to my kids I just talk to them like I talk to everyone else. I don’t know. It’s totally fine, I’ve never been the type of person who needs to fit in, but it can be tricky when you have little eyes watching and wondering why the other moms seem to avoid having to talk to you. This is what it’s like to be the odd mom out.

What it's Like To be the odd mom out

I will admit that I’m not what you would call a conventional mom. I cringe when I use that term because I feel like no mom really feels like a “conventional mom”,  but for lack of a better word, we’re going to use it.

I am a younger mom, and generally just a smaller person, so I tend too look even younger than I actually am. I wear leggings and over sized T-shirts. I love skinny jeans, cardigans, and boots. I have long messy hair that is most likey thrown into what I like to call the “F-it bun” (you all know what i’m talking about). I carry a backpack instead of a diaper bag. I wear winged eyeliner. I know how to use Twitter and Periscope. I know who Fetty Wap is (unfortunately). I talk about Harry Potter with your kids. Most people, when you look at me, would not immediately think “mom”.

But, like any mom knows, being a mom is the most important thing in my life. I hand-make my kids Christmas stockings. I work from home so my kids don’t have to go to daycare. They go to ballet and gymnastics, just like other kids do. I make homemade granola bars. I painstakingly match their tiny little socks and sort out their legos just like any other mom does. I DIYed our “elf on the shelf” because good god, who wants to spend 30 dollars on that creepy little dude? I love my kids, just like other moms do.

So what is it about me that makes other moms so weird about me?  It’s in line at school. It’s at piano lessons. I get that I probably get mistaken for the babysitter, or people are judging me, some people are extroverted, or I’m just intimidating.

But, what REALLY irks me, is that I’ve tried making conversation with these women at the bus stop more than once. They’re polite and they answer, but there is always an underlying feeling of unease, like they’re wondering why I’m talking to them and they’re just waiting for me to usher my kid onto the bus and go home. It’s a little bothersome that I know your children’s birthdays and you don’t even want to know my name. Meh. It’s more effort to make conversation with these women who obviously have no interest in including me in their conversation than I’m willing to put in.

To be fair, the last thing I want to do is talk about mom probs at 7am. I have nothing in common with these women, and in a life without children, we probably would not be friends. BUT- these are the mothers of the kids that hang out in my yard with my daughter after school. It’s almost as if I feel the need to let them know that, I too, am a normal mother, so that they won’t feel weird about their children playing with my children. So far it’s been fine, but there are other issues that are more worrisome than just not being courted by the mom cliques.

If you think your kids don’t notice that three moms are all grouped together and you are standing by yourself- you’re wrong. They definitely notice when these women are together and obviously gossiping about you. Yes, this happens on occasion. Yes, I always look to see if myself or my kids are wearing something weird. My kids are all well groomed and wearing clean clothes that fit. Did I forget to wear a bra? Is my hair crazy? Nope. They’re just rude.

“Mom, how come the other moms don’t talk to you?”

OUCH.

You would think that, as moms, we would try to include each other in polite conversation, after all, we all have something in common. Especially being stay-at-home moms and not getting very much adult interaction, but no. So when these questions are asked by my 8 year old, instead of getting mad and yelling “BECAUSE THEY’RE JUST TOO COOL FOR YOUR OLD MOM” or “I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO THOSE BORING OLD BITTIES ANYWAYS!” , I try to spin it into a lesson, because, honestly, what else am I supposed to do? Let her see me get worked up over these bratty ladies?

“It’s okay if they don’t want to talk to me- they’re just talking to each other. They’re not doing anything wrong”

“But you try and talk to them, but they never try and talk to you.”

“Do you think that what they’re doing is very nice?”

“No.”

“What do you think is the right thing to do?”

“Try and talk to you so you don’t feel left out”

“What if they just don’t like me?”

“They should still be nice.”

“It’s okay if they don’t want to talk to me, but you’re right, the nice thing to do would be to try and make friends. We can’t make other people be nice, but we can try to be good examples.”

I halfway hope they can hear me from where they’re standing.

I’ve long since given up trying to strike up conversation with these women. I’ve accepted that there is something about me that just doesn’t sit right with them, and that’s ok. So far their kids still play with mine, and they all play together nicely, so that’s all that really matters. I do have other mom friends who are amazing people, so I know I’m not shunned by the entire mom population. We are just a little more like minded.

So, they can have their bus stop clique.

I’ll be sitting here with my skinny jeans on, writing about them on a blog.

Wanna wear winged liner to your bus stop, too? Check out this tutorial!

winged liner

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157 Comments

  1. Yes yes yes! My oldest is 7 and this is such a hard topic for me! I felt like I was in the wrong place almost the entire first year of elementary school year. I’m slowly feeling better as I’ve made a few friends but this process is tough. Thanks for validating my feelings and helping me realize I’m not the only one who feels self conscious as a mom!

  2. Sometimes I feel like the odd mom out but I think it’s a mental place and I put myself there. For example, that feeling of unease? I’ve felt it but I feel like it’s wafting off me like an odor that the other mom’s are smelling and I’m seeing it on their faces. I’m new to the mom game, also young, but not also in diapers myself so I feel like I look the part here. Either way, whether it’s because I’m the youngest or because I am making them uncomfortable with my wonky vibes I just have to tell myself you know what? Chemistry is the most important thing when making friends. It’s magical. If I’m not feeling it with these moms I’m ok with that because in the wee hours of the night I’ll read blogs like yours that show me I’m not alone and in the day maybe I’ll just wait for that special chemistry friend-girl to roll by who is the exact same amount of nerd as me and totally into my hobbies and wants do fun stuff like play outside (with or without the kids). Meeting a new friend after having kids and forming a close bond has been one of the most significant happenings of my life.

  3. I too am the odd mom out. Im young for my oldest( I was 19 when I had him and he’s now in 5th gr) so the moms are a little older more mature and seem to have their sh** together while I’m running like a mad woman to get homework and instruments to him before school starts. My youngest is in preschool so the moms are younger but still seem to clique together while outside at pickup. Also have the boys involved in lots of activities and still am the outcast. It bothered me more with the oldest bc I was young but now as long as my boys and my friends know me And love me the other moms can shove it. And by the way I would totally talk to you at the bus stop! Love the winged eyeliner. I’d probably ask you to help me do mine!

  4. I, too, am the odd mom out, for different reasons. I am the older mom, divorced and admittedly a little overweight. I don’t look like the “stepford” mom’s that are at the bus stop, PTA , etc.
    My 8 year old and her friends love hanging out with me and I adore having them around. I talk to them, listen to them and play with them. But their mom’s, well I just don’t fit in.
    I, too, put on my brave face and don’t let them know how much it hurts to be shunned, and just brush it off in front of my daughter.
    I’ve been through some tough times in my life and learned not to judge anyone!
    Too bad they don’t feel the same!

  5. I honestly, really, truly enjoyed reading this. It made me feel less alone in the momma sector, telling myself, “Oh wow, I’m not the only PTA reject!” Thank you for the honesty, I’m not a young mom, I’m 32 with 4 incredible kiddos ranging from ages 2-11 & whether we’re at school, pta meetings, soccer practice, whatever, I get no love. My experience has been a carbon copy of this blog. Stay at home momma, work from home mom, knows Fetty Wap (unfortunately lol), etc. We should start a “Mom clique dropout” club! Lol…..any takers? ? If you’re in the San Diego area, don’t feel alone as an alienated momma, I’m right there with you! ❤

  6. I completely feel this way. I know I am a little odd. My youngest I feel like I am an older mom and with my oldest I feel like I am a young mom. Not a lot of the other moms seem to want to friend me. I have tried countless times to start convoversations with my oldest daughters peers moms and they seem to either ignore me or judge me right away that I. Ook young and are a little put-off-ish. My younger daughters peers moms are friendly sometimes but some of them formed litle cliques that they won’t let anyone in. I just feel that we are all alike. We love our children and our doing the best we can. I will talk to anybody and everybody. I have no judgements. I just wish more moms would be that way.

  7. I can relate. Those types talk to each other and seem to have a lot of inside jokes. They’ll go and get coffee before going to yoga class. It is tough, though over time I believe it gets better. You always hope that it won’t effect your kids and that it is not contagious to them.

    What makes this all more difficult is that I am Dad. I think due to the circumstance, you sometimes have to take the bull by the horns and try to make it work. It may involve being vulnerable, and incredibly uncomfortable, but when you put into perspective why you are doing it, it is much easier to swallow.

    Next time you see a Dad standing there at drop off keeping to himself, maybe walk over and say hi. You may be surprise how much we have in common. We can arrange playdates, make snacks, and even know who Austin and Ally are!

    1. See, and you’re the one I would go start a conversation with. In high school I always hung out with the guys…. I wasn’t interested in all that clique-y stuff. Then I was a science major and spent time in the Navy, so I’m just more comfortable talking to the men. I was usually older than most of the children’s peers’ Moms.

  8. It took me a long time to make real friends here. I was heavily pregnant when my 3 year old began preschool, and of course, divorced at that point. I already felt so alone Sundays in the park! So I had to make myself make a real effort to find mums in the crowd who did have a smile to share, or a kind word. I am like you, good in my own space and time, but I lived in a place where i had no family, so even with a new baby on the way, I did my best to try and meet some of the mums. Several years on now, there are some I just don’t have time for, but I have a couple who are really true friends… and as they say, really, all you need is one x Keep your spirit up, you are already awesome x

  9. I had my oldest (now 30) when I was 17, and we moved to a very snobby college town. I had to put up with the snubs from all the other mothers at my son’s soccer games who seemed to view me as a threat. I had one soccer mom actually pull me aside and say, “I you flirting with my husband, and if you keep it up (!! I did nothing, her husband was a gross “old” man to me!!) I will make your kid’s life miserable.” There was only one mother who went out of her way to make me feel accepted and she was basically shunned by the other mothers too afterward. When I had my second son (now 17), it was a totally different game–most other mothers were my age and they literally gravitated to me without my even trying. I made sure I included EVERYONE, old or young, at the parents’ benches during my youngest’s sports events. I know how hard it sucks to be left out as a mother just because of your age. When you realize the “shunning” is usually about fear and insecurity, it’s slightly easier to take, but it’s all hindsight to me now. It truly hurt back then.

  10. Hey I’m touched by your efforts to reach out, and you know what, you’re honest, you’re raw, you’re real and you fucking rock at being a mum. Why wouldnt anyone want to hang out with you? just keep things real and you will attract the right people, think, do you really want these women in your life if you had the choice? to be accepted by a group of women who are just going to treat other women like shit? Start your own tribe of women who empower other women…. Be the person you want to see in others…. Xx

  11. I. Totally. Get. This. I was 16 when I had my first kid and wasn’t in a demographic to hang out with other babies’ mommas. I was 25 and 26 when I had my second and third children and apparently that’s still really young to have a kid. So, now, here I am-37 with a junior in college and a fourth and fifth grader; beyond my “peers” who are just now having kids and too young for the parents who have kids my kids’ ages. It does hurt to be left out of the mom cliques. It’s a lot like high school all over again. But, hey, I think you and I are both confident beautiful women who could give a real F about it. Right? At least I have my husband. Come hang out with me, I’ll talk to ya!! ?

  12. I am usually the Odd Mom Out… If I do start talking with another mother… most likely another one of their friends will walk up and I will once again be left out. This has happened more than once… My ONLY saving grace is that I am now a scout leader… so the moms kind of have to talk to me once in a while…

    1. I’ve never been one of the ‘cool Moms’. I’m ok with it, but what was important was my kids and what was best for them – so I was active in the PTO (SO glad when the youngest was done with ES and I didn’t have to work another Fall Fest), was on the PTO Board, was a GS Leader and on the BS Council as well as a badge counselor. We were in a very small military community and there were often women I could get along with, but in eleven years I only really made three or four close friends; there were also ‘those Moms’. With the transfer rate common in the military community, they usually weren’t there long… their spouses didn’t ask for extensions because the wives were miserable because the whole clique-y thing really didn’t work.

      We’ve moved Stateside, and the clique-y Moms seen to rule… but I am still involved with the appropriate Boosters because it’s for my daughter. Thanks to Facebook and e-mail, I am still able to stay virtually close to those few close friends I have and I hope in time I’ll make a couple of friends.

  13. I hope those shitty mums read this! Xoxo you are badass!!!

  14. I am that mum the odd mum the one who gets all the weird looks and gossip also with my winged eyeliner jeans and waist length messy hair i love science fiction and fantasy time travel and soul thinking i swear but have a master’s degree in journalism i loved this article it resonates deeply i will never fit in with the image conscious sheep minded bus stop mothers you get days where you feel a bit bummed but most days i sit with my toddler singing terrible music at the top of our voices while waiting for the other kids at least we know how to have fun

  15. Wow, I really needed this article. It was as if I was writing it myself all the way down to the physical description lol. I’m glad you have other awesome mom friends. Makes me keep hoping some day I will too.

  16. I have had the same problem with other moms, except for me it was just a reminder of my childhood.the majority of most other females haven’t ever been particularly nice to me and I see it as a reflection of American cultural conditioning and assimilation that I’ve never been interested in being a part of. I find it amusing that women from other countries/societies haven’t ever been exclusionary/rude/cruel as American ones. It makes me a bit sad to write this because I’m an American female. However, I have my friends and they are amazing women so I feel lucky. These other women are just the majority who I’m glad I don’t have to associate with anyway.

  17. The bottom line here is if you want to be part of the group you have to volunteer. I don’t just mean in the classroom. I’m taking about at the school fair and any other event the school hosts. I guarantee this will allow you to talk with lots of moms. The women that hang out in groups all volunteer. It gives you something right away that you have in common and opens the door to more.
    I will say that it’s super hard making friends when you’re older. When I say older I just mean this stage in life with children. However you can meet some really great women when you least expect it. So don’t suppress your HI and a smile ?

    1. In my experience, that’s where a lot of the clique-ness comes in…. the job you’re assigned can be associated with your place on totem pole. Personally, I don’t care about that… if it needs to be done, it needs to be done – but then I’ve had my time cleaning bathroom floors on hands and knees with a scrub brush thanks to the US Navy. I find I get along best with women who are used to ‘hanging with the guys’ (no, not THAT kind of woman, but who are more comfortable talking to a group of men because they feel like there’s a girl code that they never got the memo for).

  18. I love your honesty. Plus that you too wear skinny jeans and winged eyeliner. I’m a bit of the outside Mom too. After some of them get to know me they share that I was intimidating when they first met me. I can understand that. I also have my own sense of style which is not conservative like most Moms. Maybe it’s my great sense of confidence I carry. Sometimes I wonder if it’s envy. Envy that I can be me, dress in my own way. Who knows but as women and Moms we need to support each other. Its unfortunate that you are treated like a highschooler. Its BS.
    If you lived in my hometown I would be your friend. It’s their lose and I commend you on how you address it with your child. That’s what teaches future generations to not act like those “other Moms”.

  19. I’ll say the same thing to you that I would to my kids. Do you like everyone? No? Then don’t expect everyone to like you. Yes, be nice and polite, but not everyone has to be friends or even want to spend time with you. They’re talking to the people they get along with You will find your people. Don’t worry so much. If you stop looking at the 3 cool kids clustered together you’ll notice plenty of other people who are reading a book or looking at their phone or staring at their fingernails or making idle chit chat with their younger kids to kill time waiting for their school kids. Strike up a conversation with one of them.

  20. You sound a lot nicer and more interesting than the other three who exclude you. They sound like the “mean girls” of middle/high school who are now moms themselves. The worst thing about this is what they are modeling for their kids. I don’t know what the answer is. There really isn’t much you can do. Maybe bring a book or something and read with your daughter while waiting for the bus. Or don’t go out to the bus stop early.

    When my kids were young we moved into a neighborhood where most of the families were well off enough that the moms were able to stay home. I’m a nurse and worked part-time, two evenings a week. My husband was home with the kids when I was at work. One of my new neighbors came over to welcome me and one of her first comments was “How does it feel to be the only mother in the neighborhood who works?”. I didn’t realize at first it was a sarcastic comment. I answered “Good- I guess!”. (I loved working as a nurse). They all had cleaning ladies and sprayed their lawns with chemicals ( we had some dandelions but our kids could walk barefoot on the lawn!) and had nothing much common with me. There were a few neighbors who were nicer. We became friends with them. All the kids in the neighborhood played together (usually in our yard or in our house) regardless of how snooty the moms were. I did notice the dads didn’t really seem the same way. It was more of a catty thing.

    Later on in years (my kids are all grown with kids of their own now) I ran into these ladies here and there and they had changed as life dealt its inevitable ups and downs to all of them. They became much nicer, more interesting people. It’s a shame it had to take some hard lessons for them to see that it’s so much better to be nice, and to be inclusive.

    Hang in there momma. You’re doing it right. 🙂

  21. So, mom with self admitted BRF, who already decided she doesn’t want to talk mom probs at 7am, that doesn’t really like these women anyways, with a chip on her shoulders is wondering why these moms haven’t invited her over for tea? Really, you don’t see the problem here? It’s not them, it’s you!

    You clearly are not OK with being left out, it hurts you enough to write about it. You have to decide if you actually want to fix your preconceived hang-ups if you want to be included. Most people aren’t given the gift of making friends easily. Women are generally insecure in this area and I have found that people that feel left out were left out, or not in the in-crowd in school and they carry this with them into adulthood; what they believed to be true of the girls in school they believe to be true of other mom’s now. I have several friends that feel like you and the other’s that have commented. I have been told by moms they thought I was in the in-crowd and I know everything that is going on. The truth is I never feel like I’m on the in-crowd, but then again, that isn’t my goal. I wanted to help my kids in making friends, teach and model how to get along with other people. I do that by being friendly, I say Hi and/or smile. When I’m waiting for my kids to get done while they are in an activity I strike up the conversations with the other moms. I have never not once had someone just stare at me or ignore me. I’m also not best friends with every mom I talk to, nor do I want to be. For all the people I know and talk with at my kids activities there is only a small handful that I talk to outside the activities. But I can tell it was me that struck up every first conversation.

    For you and everyone that has ever felt left out have you ever looked at it from the perspective of those that seem to be chatting away with each other? Are you the person that that sits in the group just listening and never saying anything, even when people look at you to include you? Are you that person staring at your phone? Are you that person sitting there hating small talk so you never look in another person’s direction, or purposely sit off from the group or few gathered because you fear someone will talk to you? Do you walk away from the group as if you are uninterested?Do you always appear to be uninterested in those around you? Do you look pissed off all the time? These are a lot of the ques we “included people” have to read, then we have to ask ourselves; are they just shy, maybe they don’t like us, am I bothering them or making them feel uncomfortable, maybe they are an introvert? Maybe she just wants to be left alone. Friendly people like me will feel you out, how you respond will determine which are you that I listed above. Can I just tell you how exhausting that is – so guess what? I will still be nice to you but I’m gonna hang with the ladies that will chat.

    I’d also like to add that even though I make acquaintances and friends easily. There are plenty of moms I know that I’m not their cup of tea. I have my friends and family, my kids have their friends and I really don’t have to be included in everything. So if two people at a bus stop didn’t want to talk to me, meh. I’m there to see my kid on the bus anyways. And I would still smile and/or say Hi every morning. Then I would tell my kids the truth, there are people you will like in life, and there are people you will not like, there are people who will not like me or you either for whatever reason, and that is OK – always be nice and polite. It’s better to have a few good friends than a ton of lousy friends. Life goes on pass the bus stop, pass pick-up at school etc. – when you realize this then you have come full circle and you are truly OK being you. But if you still think everyone is judging you and everyone else is the problem – take a look at yourself!

    1. Wow…………….. Can you say bitter……. You must be an old, unhappy, bitter person to attack this young mom like that, considering you don’t know her. Let me tell you something my mom taught me………….IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY DON’T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.. IT’S PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT MAKE IT HARD FOR YOUNG PEOPLE TO FIND THIER WAY THROUGH THIS CRAZY THING CALLED LIFE..
      I mean really you must be pretty bored to have responded such a long book for someone you don’t know. Maybe you should worry about your own and quit trying to discourage young people you don’t know. Talk about a Bully…… that’s what your are lady, take a look at yourself maybe IDK that’s a thought

  22. Sure she sounds a bit elitist,or is she just painting her picture? What do the other moms look like? I’m a hard working divorced 27 yr old mother of a 4 yr old who, by the grace of God, is able to pick up her child at 2:30 from private school. The teachers might throw me a look when my daughter and I are running to be less late, but they know. My fellow pre-k moms? They see my naked left hand and can’t seem to be cool talking with me. The looks I recieve are comical and birthday parties do bring anxiety, but I keep smiling and will laugh with any mom who might dare to find humor in…anything.

  23. I was an old mom, and old fat mom, and I got ignored too and at first it bothered me. Not anymore – their loss if they don’t want to be friends with a really cool old bat. I like me, my kids like me – that’s all that matters.

  24. Somehow I feel like you’ve just described me and the moms I’m surrounded by! Loved reading this.. thank you!

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