What It’s Like To Be The Odd Mom Out
I don’t know what it is about me, but other moms just don’t like me, or at least they don’t want to talk to me at the bus stop. It might be the area I’m in. Maybe it’s because I look really young (to be fair, I am a young mom). Maybe it’s because I have resting bitch face. It could be because instead of using “kid voice” when I speak to my kids I just talk to them like I talk to everyone else. I don’t know. It’s totally fine, I’ve never been the type of person who needs to fit in, but it can be tricky when you have little eyes watching and wondering why the other moms seem to avoid having to talk to you. This is what it’s like to be the odd mom out.
I will admit that I’m not what you would call a conventional mom. I cringe when I use that term because I feel like no mom really feels like a “conventional mom”, but for lack of a better word, we’re going to use it.
I am a younger mom, and generally just a smaller person, so I tend too look even younger than I actually am. I wear leggings and over sized T-shirts. I love skinny jeans, cardigans, and boots. I have long messy hair that is most likey thrown into what I like to call the “F-it bun” (you all know what i’m talking about). I carry a backpack instead of a diaper bag. I wear winged eyeliner. I know how to use Twitter and Periscope. I know who Fetty Wap is (unfortunately). I talk about Harry Potter with your kids. Most people, when you look at me, would not immediately think “mom”.
But, like any mom knows, being a mom is the most important thing in my life. I hand-make my kids Christmas stockings. I work from home so my kids don’t have to go to daycare. They go to ballet and gymnastics, just like other kids do. I make homemade granola bars. I painstakingly match their tiny little socks and sort out their legos just like any other mom does. I DIYed our “elf on the shelf” because good god, who wants to spend 30 dollars on that creepy little dude? I love my kids, just like other moms do.
So what is it about me that makes other moms so weird about me? It’s in line at school. It’s at piano lessons. I get that I probably get mistaken for the babysitter, or people are judging me, some people are extroverted, or I’m just intimidating.
But, what REALLY irks me, is that I’ve tried making conversation with these women at the bus stop more than once. They’re polite and they answer, but there is always an underlying feeling of unease, like they’re wondering why I’m talking to them and they’re just waiting for me to usher my kid onto the bus and go home. It’s a little bothersome that I know your children’s birthdays and you don’t even want to know my name. Meh. It’s more effort to make conversation with these women who obviously have no interest in including me in their conversation than I’m willing to put in.
To be fair, the last thing I want to do is talk about mom probs at 7am. I have nothing in common with these women, and in a life without children, we probably would not be friends. BUT- these are the mothers of the kids that hang out in my yard with my daughter after school. It’s almost as if I feel the need to let them know that, I too, am a normal mother, so that they won’t feel weird about their children playing with my children. So far it’s been fine, but there are other issues that are more worrisome than just not being courted by the mom cliques.
If you think your kids don’t notice that three moms are all grouped together and you are standing by yourself- you’re wrong. They definitely notice when these women are together and obviously gossiping about you. Yes, this happens on occasion. Yes, I always look to see if myself or my kids are wearing something weird. My kids are all well groomed and wearing clean clothes that fit. Did I forget to wear a bra? Is my hair crazy? Nope. They’re just rude.
“Mom, how come the other moms don’t talk to you?”
OUCH.
You would think that, as moms, we would try to include each other in polite conversation, after all, we all have something in common. Especially being stay-at-home moms and not getting very much adult interaction, but no. So when these questions are asked by my 8 year old, instead of getting mad and yelling “BECAUSE THEY’RE JUST TOO COOL FOR YOUR OLD MOM” or “I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO THOSE BORING OLD BITTIES ANYWAYS!” , I try to spin it into a lesson, because, honestly, what else am I supposed to do? Let her see me get worked up over these bratty ladies?
“It’s okay if they don’t want to talk to me- they’re just talking to each other. They’re not doing anything wrong”
“But you try and talk to them, but they never try and talk to you.”
“Do you think that what they’re doing is very nice?”
“No.”
“What do you think is the right thing to do?”
“Try and talk to you so you don’t feel left out”
“What if they just don’t like me?”
“They should still be nice.”
“It’s okay if they don’t want to talk to me, but you’re right, the nice thing to do would be to try and make friends. We can’t make other people be nice, but we can try to be good examples.”
I halfway hope they can hear me from where they’re standing.
I’ve long since given up trying to strike up conversation with these women. I’ve accepted that there is something about me that just doesn’t sit right with them, and that’s ok. So far their kids still play with mine, and they all play together nicely, so that’s all that really matters. I do have other mom friends who are amazing people, so I know I’m not shunned by the entire mom population. We are just a little more like minded.
So, they can have their bus stop clique.
I’ll be sitting here with my skinny jeans on, writing about them on a blog.
Wanna wear winged liner to your bus stop, too? Check out this tutorial!
I feel the same way with my son at his school. I feel like im constantly judged and i don’t know why? I don’t understand why in almost a year not one mom bothers to be nice or considerate. I don’t get it why be like that.. Frustrating because im always nice to these moms, but in return never do i get a smile or a hey wanna join us. Oh well.
What dicks. You sound like the kind of mom I’d be hanging out and talking shit about them with. Call there asses out. Seriously. They need to be woken up to what they’re unconsciously modeling to all the kids.
So refreshing to know I’m not the only one and having knowledge of Kayleigh I know she’s pretty awesome and those “other “ moms are at a loss for excluding her! So are the “ other” moms who exclude me and others who may be going Thru the same thing! Thank you for speaking about this now I know it’s all ok!
Thanks so much for sharing this is the same exact thing that me and my daughter are going through in her ballet school It’s so annoying I know she notices it and sometimes I’ve even thought to myself that she’s not getting the parts that she has clearly earned because of these group of mom!
They are jealous.
You made me feel so much better! What is with some people? I too am into the leggings with little dresses, am a humble 5’2, and into wearing cat eyes. I’m also a – I say this loosely – a writer. Hmmm
I didn’t have this problem at all with my oldest child when he started school, but my younger one just began preschool and these same four moms stand around in a group talking every morning. There is one mom who is super cool and has gone out of her way to chat with me, but when the others are around I’m left standing there like an idiot. It’s a class of eight kids, and there is another mom no one talks to too (and she looks like a nice lady!)…but she doesn’t seem to care . I don’t care one bit about talking to them as I’m pretty introverted, but I HATE the feeling of being excluded. It makes me not want my son to go to that school any more, but that wouldn’t be right. It’s in a pretty affluent area and maybe I look like I just don’t fit in. I don’t freaking know.
Thanks for your post! Again, I can totally relate to your situation! Don’t listen to that TROLL who said that you’re into yourself either. You’re completely sincere and you seem fantastic. =)
I think its just u. Your blog seemed like you were really bragging while pretending to be concerned. You are also coming off as self conscious. One minute you don’t care and then your erked…which one is it? If you look like a kid they aren’t going to feel a connection with you. Either change or cope. It’s up to you.
Really, Jessica?? You must be one of those rude moms at the bus stop, LOL What a jerk.
No one should EVER have to change to fit into a clique of “typicals.” They obviously don’t work at home, and they are obviously not creatives. So why should she level herself down to boring, before being allowed the common courtesy of acknowledgement?It’s unfortunate that etiquette is a lost art, and even more unfortunate that boring people are that afraid of being compared to someone clearly more interesting and accomplished.
How are they obviously not creatives?? Wow…Looks like judgement is going on in both sides…honestly, why is the writer and everyone else who feels left out coming up with reasons (& yes, some of them are thinly veiled humble brags) instead of doing the obvious and asking? I get feeling left out, I went to or high school, I have children and have been subjected to the mom clique. However, I either REALLY don’t care and let it be or I do and ask her/them outright (but politely) if there is a reason?
I am in the same situation and I get even prettier when I pick up my self haters just love to hate what they can’t be ppl sucks
I’m a mom of a 10, 7 and 2 year old. We’ve lived in 2 different suburbs of a major city and are relocating to a suburb of another. In the past 5 years, I have watched my dad (whom I was extremely close to) die of cancer, had our third child at age 37 (not exactly a spring chicken) and then experienced my husband being diagnosed with (a very curable fortunately) form of cancer. Although it was curable, he had to go through surgery and chemotherapy which was not easy with 3 small kids, including a toddler, at home. Then, shortly after chemo, my husband lost his job and we had to decide to relocate. I have tried to make friends and have been caught up in these mom cliques for far too long. And, I was somewhat accepted but never felt like I really belonged. It seems like you have to be the type to just be happy all the time regardless of the circumstances of your life in order to be accepted. I’ve never been a fake person who can just let things roll off my back so I’ve taken this past 5 years pretty hard while also trying to take care of 3 kids. I pretty much feel like we’ve been left behind from these “cliques” because we have real life issues that we actually struggle with. The rest of these people are like stepford wives with perfect houses, bodies and lives (or so it seems). I’ve decided to move to our new city and forget this sh*t. It’s like high school all over. I’m tired of keeping up with the joneses. Everyone has struggles and if we can’t have friends who cry with us when we are hurting, they aren’t really friends. They are superficial bit*hes. I say, hold your head high at the bus stop and be yourself. Tell your kids that some moms have different priorities than you do and if they all talk to each other, they are just talking about what they have in common, and there’s nothing wrong with having different kinds of friends.
Yep that is crap but you can’t make them not be snobby… It is ruff dealing with mean moms but nothing you can do to change it.. I HAVE TRIED!! I just try to be me and if they don’t wanna be my friend to bad.. they are the ones missing out bec I’m a great person, so their loss! And as of the kids my kids always think I’m the cool mom the fun mom and so do the other kids ? that’s all I care about so them moms don’t bother me anymore… ?
Been there, done that. The working theory that I use to explain it is that I’m not big on gossip, so there is no point in including me in the daily chat.
Nonetheless, a smile and a greeting are pleasant to get and to give.
Over time, I’ve observed that some people who choose not to be too sociable with me will choose to confide in me because – direct quote – “I know you won’t tell anyone.”
They are right. I don’t and I won’t, unless the person is planning to harm him/herself or someone else.
We’ve lived in our neighborhood for about six years now, and I just don’t bother with these boring bitches. Our first few years here I greeted people and always waved, usually most females ignored me. We are talking about close range hellos, but I was ignored and dismissed with no eye contact. A male neighbor told me the all the things our next door neighbor said about our family and their opinions about my toddler. They spouted on how they thought our kid was creepy. Why you ask? Because he did homework or crafts on our balcony and watched them playing right below our deck. Soooo creepy! He is homeschooled so they immeidately said he was awkward and had no friends. They put our family down calling us poor and that we were unable to pay for our mortgage? They complained about anything and everything we did to take focus off of their dysfunction. I’ve never cared too much about it. I found it entertaining that their lives revolve around us and what we do. We are about twenty years younger and we don’t need envious people in our lives. So bitch neighbor glare at me all you want while our kids play in close proximity to each other. Heaven forbid that your children would ever want to play with mine. I’ll keep smiling at your ugly bitch face. Doesn’t faze me.
I recently moved into a new neighborhood. So in general the moms are nice. It’s the dads, lol. So today, I say hi to both the dads who are busy talking to each other but they ignore me. Another mom shows up at the bus stop shortly after me and after she says “hi” they say hi back. Then, when we walk home, the dads say goodbye to her and not to me. When I arrive at the stop in the morning, sometimes the moms stand in a circle talking, and when the dad arrives, he walks into the circle of hens! LOL. I’m not sure how to handle it. Should I say “I decided to not wear my Harry Potter invisibility cloak today” btw, I am an older mom…so age should have nothing to do with it because we are all around the same age. We will all be “old moms” and “old bitties” eventually.
OMG thank you for this post!!! I’m not the only one!
I am a grand raising my grandson. I obviously am not his Mom. Now I don’t wear granny clothes and shoes or hair. I also don’t try to look like a teenager, but, like you, even tho I try to strike up a conversation. I am merely given short answers and then they move on. I’m getting kind of used to it, but I’ve never considered that my gs might notice and for that I truly feel badly. I know he is at an age, 12, where he doesn’t want to be different, or have his family appear different. I don’t know what to do about this.
Hi! I experience this as well. I’ve dealt this bad deck forever and it doesn’t look like it is going to change anytime soon. Unlike you though, I’m one of the old bitties you refer to (oh and I wear skinny jeans too -and rock them pretty well at close to 47 with a 3rd grader). I think you can leave out the age part here as the reason. I’m on the other end and left out despite trying. I don’t make fun of younger moms -age has nothing to do with it in my book. If the moms you refer to get the vibe you think less of them as they are old, that definitely could be an issue.
My wife is that Mom. Bakes, knows everyone’s names. Other people’s kids call her Mom. THEY fill the house and hang out and she was the youth group director. The kids find us and follow us and the other parents hate it. Serious, somber, critical and judgmental wouldn’t rest till they outed her. 5 yearly later, their kids still call and visit and angry why the person who showed them respect and support wasn’t welcome. These kids reject that club. Are the ones out of the click. Showing respect and love to others. You are few, but you are mighty. Keep the faith.
Loved your article ?
I am also the mom that doesn’t fit into cliques ☺️?
Are there no Dads at the bus stop? Lol Dude, I would drive my kids to school or move. Sounds like a bad neighbourhood.
I’m an “older” mom and I wear leggings and over-sized t-shirts. Not sure that has anything to do with age…maybe where you live or the energy you give off that makes you feel excluded. Maybe you’re just dealing with one bad clique of moms. Not representative of all moms. I’m friends with all ages.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
First, is the author unmarried? Possibly, Still in a whole other phase of life.
Second, sometimes it’s about us and our opinions of the other moms also. They are not always the only guilty party.
Bring a book to read every day.
hi,thanks for your words.I live on the other side of the planet.You probably wouldn’t know where is it and i am a little older mom,anyway believe or not the same thing is happening to me ,too.Its fine cause im not interesting in their little chats and i find much relaxing few pages of good book or magazines,but i think it affects my children social life and it makes me sad.If i could fit in,kids would have more playdates and little friends on the playgrounds.I dont know if Im doing it wrong or people are different now,but I never find a rison to ignore someone or to talk behind a back and wish the other moms could be much more like me,the life would be easier and happier too,for moms and for kids.
Hi there, WOW, I really needed to read this article tonight…moved to a small town in a different state about 4 years ago, and never thought I would be friend-less since I’ve always had 2-3 close mom friends in other places I have lived. Well, I have 3 friendly, bright and outgoing children in the public school here and I myself have always been polite and friendly, always acknowledging the other moms, who often say hi back, but nothing more OR choose to blatantly ignore me all the time. It’s heartbreaking and really isolating…anyway, I’m sorry to hear your tale of woe but really, REALLY glad I am not alone in this!! I guess we ladies who are on the outs with others for no apparent, logical reason need to just make sure that our kids are doing well in school and in life and that we do not lose sight of how awesome we really are, despite what the cliquey moms think.
Oh man have I been there. I’m sorry anyone, of any age, has to feel like the odd one out. I guess we just have to be the best person we can be and TRY not to let it bother us. You sound like a very lovely person.