If you rate that joke a 9 ¾ out of 10, you can count yourself as a dedicated Harry Potter fan. And as a dedicated Potter fan, chances are you’ve read many inspiring Harry Potter quotes, such as, “Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

But, while there are many wise Harry Potter quotes, many of our favorite Harry Potter memories are filled with laughter. I mean, who can hold back a smile when thinking of Ron’s face when he drove his Dad’s car into the Hogwarts Whomping Willow?

These 19 hilarious Harry Potter quotes show J.K. Rowling was more than an inspiring, heartfelt writer… she was damn funny, too!

19 Hilarious Harry Potter Quotes More Magical Than Laughing Potion

1. “I am a wizard, not a baboon brandishing a stick.”

2. “He can move faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.”

3. “Don’t put your wand there, boy! … Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know.”

4. “Why, dear boy, we don’t send wizards to Azkaban just for blowing up their aunts.”

5. “Percy wouldn’t notice a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing one of Dobby’s hats.”

6. “Ron’s old Shooting Star was often outstripped by passing butterflies.”

7. “You’d think people had better things to gossip about,” said Ginny as she sat on the common room floor, leaning against Harry’s legs and reading the Daily Prophet. “Three Dementor attacks in a week, and all Romilda Vane does is ask me if it’s true you’ve got a Hippogriff tattooed across your chest.”
Ron and Hermione both roared with laughter. Harry ignored them.
“What did you tell her?”
“I told her it’s a Hungarian Horntail,” said Ginny, turning a page of the newspaper idly. “Much more macho.”
“Thanks,” said Harry, grinning. “And what did you tell her Ron’s got?”
“A Pygmy Puff, but I didn’t say where.”

8. “Why are you worrying about YOU-KNOW-WHO, when you should be worrying about YOU-NO-POO? The constipation sensation that’s gripping the nation!”

9. “Your sons flew that car to Harry’s house and back last night! … What have you got to say about that, eh?”
“Did you really…Did it go all right? I – I mean… that – that was very wrong, boys – very wrong indeed…”

10. “Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher. There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head!”

11. “Wild! I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again… and again… and again…”

12. “The idea of a teenage Dumbledore was simply odd, like trying to imagine a stupid Hermione or a friendly Blast-Ended Skrewt.”

13. “Anyone can speak Troll. All you have to do is point and grunt.”

14. “I’m never wearing them,” Ron was saying stubbornly. “Never.”
“Fine,” snapped Mrs. Weasley. “Go naked. And, Harry, make sure you get a picture of him. Goodness knows I could do with a laugh.”

15. “Gotta bone ter pick with yeh. I’ve heard you’ve bin givin’ out signed photos. How come I haven’t got one?”

16. “Listening to the news! Again?”
“Well, it changes every day, you see,” said Harry.

17. “This is night, Diddykins. That’s what we call it when it goes all dark like this.”

18. “Just then Neville caused a slight diversion by turning into a large canary.”

19. “I assure you that if you die, you need not hand it [homework] in.”

These quotes do more than make us laugh. They remind us what a magical world full of love, friendship and laughter that J.K. Rowling created for us. While the stories of Harry Potter teach us many lessons, more than anything, they show us we can create a magical universe for ourselves. Or instead of saying ‘create’, perhaps I should say ‘craft’…

Hey, I love Harry Potter Crafts so much that I wrote a book about them! My book, THE UNOFFICIAL GUIDE TO CRAFTING THE WORLD OF HARRY POTTER IS AWESOME AND YOU SHOULD TOTALLY BUY IT.

The Unofficial Guide to Crafting the World of Harry Potter: 30 Magical Crafts for Witches and Wizards from Pencil Wands to House Colors Tie-Dye Shirts

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Thank you to Tom Chanter for submitting these hilarious Harry Potter quotes!

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For all of you Muggles out there who never received your owl from Hogwarts, don’t feel bad. Your own education may have been more magical than you gave it credit for! See if you can recognize some of the Hogwarts faculty among the familiar faces of your own alma mater.

7 Hogwarts Teachers You Probably Had IRL

Sybil Trelawney (aka. “The Hot Mess”)– Often an eclectic literature teacher who has her head in the clouds (or in a book) and seems to find symbolism in everything. You may wonder how she ever got a position to teach (or what exactly is in all that herbal tea that she drinks), but you suspect that there is much more to her lurking beneath the surface.

Minerva McGonagall- (aka. “The Second Mother”)– With a glance, she will let you know when your behavior is not up to par. Like a mom, she is not afraid to let you know when you’re acting like an idiot, but is a softie at heart.  Whether it is a replacement broomstick or school supplies for a needy student, she’s not afraid to spend her own money to help her students succeed.

“Mad Eye” Moody- (aka. “The Scary Coach”)– This guy is very knowledgeable but definitely doesn’t have the patience to be a teacher and you have the feeling that he would turn all of you into ferrets if he could.  He’s more into practice than theory and seems preoccupied by other responsibilities.  If you can look past his gruff exterior which scares the bejeezus out of you, you know that you have a lot that you can learn from this guy.

Severus Snape- (aka. “The Sadist”)– There’s no winning with this guy. He is a tough-love teacher through and through but only in retrospect do you realize that he was trying to motivate you all of those times where he embarrassed you in front of your classmates or made you feel like you weren’t working hard enough.  His classroom management is severely lacking, but is still one of the best teachers you will ever have.

Pomona Sprout- (aka. “The Mad Scientist”)– This is the Science teacher that lets you do crazy, hands-on experiments in class (the messier the better). Her class is one of your favorites because of her engaging activities and her devil-may-care attitude about classroom safety.
If something happens to blow-up during one of your lab experiments, even better!

Remus Lupin- (aka. “The Extra Mile Teacher”)– This is the teacher that isn’t afraid to reach out to a student to ask how things are at home or if they’re really okay. You suspect that perhaps they haven’t had the easiest life and can empathize with students who need a helping hand.  They are also willing to tutor you after hours in order to help you succeed.  There’s something a little different about this teacher that you just can’t quite figure out, but you appreciate their open-heartedness and their willingness to help out.

Dolores Umbridge (aka. “The Warden”)– This lady can suck the air right out of the room just by walking through it. Usually a power-hungry Assistant Principal, she has the ability to turn a tardy into a federal offense and students cringe as she enters the room, lest she catch them breathing out of turn.  You’ll never understand how she got a job working with children, since you suspect that she would be the type of mother that would eat her own young.  (And how was she not a Death Eater?)

Hey, I love Harry Potter Crafts so much that I wrote a book about them! My book, THE UNOFFICIAL GUIDE TO CRAFTING THE WORLD OF HARRY POTTER IS AWESOME AND YOU SHOULD TOTALLY BUY IT.

The Unofficial Guide to Crafting the World of Harry Potter: 30 Magical Crafts for Witches and Wizards from Pencil Wands to House Colors Tie-Dye Shirts

Turns out Tom wasn’t an evil, villain, but rather a misunderstood beast just searching for his true love. Who knew?

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