Ladies, you may want to leave the house for a while. Get a coffee or see a Tyler Perry movie (they’re kind of not bad). I’ve got to spend some alone time with your man here because he’s screwing up in life. It’s nothing serious but there’s some tweaking that needs twonked? Twanked? Whatever. From one gentleman to another, I’m here to offer you a little guidance, not to everything, but to some things. A Man’s Guide To Manly Things: Part Two.

A Man’s Guide To Manly Things: Part Two

Dressing Right:

I would never consider myself gay, in that I would enjoy a penis, but I am pretty gay for fashion. I would move to Massachusetts with men’s fashion. We would adopt a Guatemalan baby and sell handmade soaps and cheeses. Why do I appreciate fashion? Because the way you look says so much about you. Don’t believe me? Then why is there a thriving website dedicated to the obscene freak show that is a late-night Wal-Mart? We care how people look. Imagine my surprise when I saw a guy in the big city strutting down the street in a black suit, black tie, decent shoes, and a backpack. Wait, did I say backpack? Yup! Like what your Trapper Keeper would be in, along with your math homework, and your library copy of A Diary Of A Wimpy Kid that’s past due. There’s nothing that betrays the overall appearance and confidence of a man than a giant, yellow backpack thrown over one shoulder like he’s late to a really classy junior high. But why stop at the backpack? Just slide on a pair of overalls with one strap unbuttoned because I guess we’re living in the ‘90’s.

Men, dress your age.

You don’t need bright, primary colors. You’re not sixteen. Nothing neon. Nothing fun. Fun is over. You’re in your 30’s now. You’ve probably got a wife, kids, and a house. You can’t strut around like a carefree stud anymore because at this point you have a bad knee and you actually physically can’t strut without hearing that weird popping sound. Dark colors, especially if you’re fat like I am. Dark colors hide our hearty B-cup boobs. So look for your blacks, navy’s, browns, and grays. If all of your shirts fit into a color scheme, you can mix and match the same clothes everyday and still look like you’re wearing something new. I don’t think I’m telling you anything new, but there’s no reason to wear the same Deadpool tee-shirt everyday.

At home, wear whatever the heck you want. Who’s going to see it? Right now, I’m wearing a Voltron tee-shirt and green boxers. My son is downstairs watching Animaniacs. What does he care? But you can bet that if I have to leave the house I will throw on a collared shirt, sleeves rolled up, dark jeans, and some boots. I don’t look a model, but I don’t look homeless, either. I look like a grown, responsible man and so should you.

Drinking Right:

I went to a Tex-Mex restaurant with some friends and a guy ordered a watermelon margarita. Are you freaking kidding me? I worked in a restaurant for two years and I can tell you for a fact that drink took five minutes to make. That’s five minutes nobody else is getting a drink. That’s five minutes the bartender isn’t serving anyone else. That’s five minutes he isn’t making money.

Besides, what is a guy doing ordering a fruit drink anyways? It’s not healthy and it doesn’t taste like fruit, it tastes like what candy thinks fruit tastes like. Men, when you go to a bar, order a beer. Tell the bartender that you’ll take whatever is on tap or whatever the joint is known for. Don’t order a Bud Light. If you’re ordering a Bud Light, you can’t afford to be in a bar because you’re poor and you have stupid taste in beer. Otherwise, it doesn’t matter the brand. It all tastes like rotten grains…except for Bud Light, which tastes like compressed air.

If you’re fancy and you think you’re better than me, order bourbon or scotch or gin with nothing else. You don’t need a whisky vodka cherry sour or some kind of gin and 7-Up swill with a splash of blueberry juice. When I was in Vegas I realized that I loved gin and tonics, three hours later I realized that what I really loved was just gin. The tonic was filler. Kick that filler nonsense to the curb and only drink what you’re actually paying for.

Sexing Right:

We’re about to get real here. I’m not going to tell you how to please your lady. I hope you know how better than I do. But I will tell you, 100% of all the women will agree with me, if you’re not going down on her, you are doing it wrong. Unless it’s a quicky on the couch while you’re binge watching The Crown, you have no reason not to perform this vital, relationship saving act.

And don’t think of me as just some champion of women. I am, of course, but you benefit, too. If you can get her off in the first five minutes, the rest of the time is all about you. And by “rest of the time” I mean all two or three minutes after. Rarely can a guy satisfy a woman by clumsily grinding against her. She either can’t breath with you on top of her, or while wiggling back and forth on top of you she’s realized that she’s carried two children and she’s getting older and gravity sucks, and now her knees hurt.

Make her feel special. She is special right? So give her some special lovin’. And if you don’t know how to do it right, look it up. This is the Internet. Trust me, you can find anything whether you want to or not. So I’m not going to tell you here. This is a family website. Is this a family website?

That’s all for now. It’s not too much, is it? Never be satisfied with who you are. That’s un-MANLY. Work towards something better. Every one of us should strive for improvement. Sometimes we don’t know we need improvement until an anonymous writer who has zero knowledge of your situation butts in and tells you what’s wrong. And for that, you’re welcome.

Pokemon Go Has Made Me A Better Person

If you’re over the age of four then you know people can have some awful opinions. Even the best of us have some kind of racist bias or prejudice against a place or a people. Usually it’s a harmless thing, like foreigners are bad drivers or your Aunt Shelba won’t eat seafood because a crab pinched her finger at the 1954 St. Louis World’s Fair. That’s a very specific example but I guarantee you that’s happened. But even the worse kinds of bias are hard to shake off even if you know you’re wrong.

“Nik, you throbbing Adonis,” you say. “To whom are you referring?”

I’m referring to me. Sure, I can be racist. I can discriminate based on age or social class as well as anyone. And if you’re saying to yourself that you can’t possibly be that kind of person, congrats, you’re a liar, too. Today we’re going to talk a little about Pokemon Go and a lot about my shortcomings. So if you start smelling a Benihana restaurant somewhere around, it’s not your internet, it’s just me getting raw like sushi up in here because I’m going to tell you how Pokemon Go Has Made Me A Better Person.

I’m white. If you’re white like I am, then you know non-white people are just itching to either rob you or challenge you to a dance-off that you are in no way prepared for. Now, the scientific community claims these views are unfounded and socially irresponsible, but I’m not one to let “facts” or “human decency” or “quotation marks” get in the way of my feelings.

I was in New Orleans this week. I wanted to see how Big this Easy is (hint: it’s a very Big Easy). Late one night my wife and I are walking back to our hotel room and I see this urban gentleman hanging around an alleyway we’re about to pass by. He’s young, muscular, got a ballcap pulled low over his face. That’s a shady dude, right there. I’m not making a thing about it, but I do have my keys in my pocket and if he tries anything I’m going to gouge his freaking eyes out because in all things I ask myself What Would Batman Do. I know for a fact that Batman wouldn’t be so incredibly racist but we all fall short before the glory of Batman. And let’s be honest; if he were some chubby, white guy wearing a Coldplay tee shirt, I wouldn’t have looked twice. We walk by him and I see he’s on his phone. Then I hear bleep-bloop-bloop, which is an amazing impression of what a captured Pokemon sounds like. I steal a glance over his shoulder and he’s caught a Squirtle. He doesn’t give a shit about me. He just wants to evolve his Blastoise. And I’m like, “I’ve only seen one Squirtle ever.” And he says, “This one took three great balls.” Boom! Just like that racism in this country has ended.

 Hi. I’m 30-something staring down the barrel of 40. If you’re 30-something like I am, then you’re afraid of young people. Why shouldn’t you be? They’re loud and filled with limitless energy that all too often culminates in a dance-off that you are in no way prepared for. I know I’m just getting older, but the kids on my street literally walk across my lawn and it drives me out of my freaking mind.

Last week my wife and I are sitting in our car and we’re battling a Pokemon gym. I had just taken it for Team Instinct and not a minute goes by that I’m suddenly under attack. What the heck? I look around and there are no cars in the parking lot. Then we hear the chanting. Through the rearview mirror I see a horde of tweens rolling up on their Huffy bikes, fists pumping in the air. They’re shouting, chanting. This is Lord Of The Flies level shit going down. I turn off the radio, crack the window, and they’re chanting, “What’s gonna work? TEAMWORK!” If you don’t know what that is, it’s the slogan from a diabetically sweet children’s show called Wonder Pets. My Psyduck and I battled this chubby cheeked gang for a good ten minutes, but in the end I lost my gym through the power of…Christ…teamwork. I don’t really like kids, not this age, at least. They’re too young to have actually learned anything, but old enough to think they’ve learned everything. I don’t have to like them, but by God, after that night I sure do respect them.

Pokemon Go has really changed how I view people. What used to be an awkward silence at a park bench is now a chat over the best place to catch Pinsirs. And it’s also helped me realize that most people don’t really notice me enough to plot anything sinister. It’s hubris to believe I’m some walking target while walking out of Target. I’m overweight, desperately middle-class, and I have slightly broken glasses, I truly look like a man with nothing worth stealing. And if the game has done anything, it’s helped me get over myself. If at least for one summer I’ll be more interested in what team a stranger’s joined than if he wants to roll me for a not-quite full Subway punch card. If that’s not social progress, I don’t know what is.

When you’re dating or even if you’re in a committed relationship, there is nothing you want more than to learn everything there is to know about that special guy. But trying to get him to open up is sometimes like cracking a safe. Good luck learning that lock combo.

But you really want to know. What are his deepest fears? What does he want most in this world? If you could just tap into his brain for a day, what secrets could you unlock about him? And knowing him on a deeper level would help you feel even more connected – As a married couple or as partners, there is nothing better.

That’s why we’ve come up with a list of 20 questions to ask your guy to learn more about him, and love him more in the process. These are questions that really get into what he is all about as a person, inside and out.

The problem may be actually getting him to answer these questions. Maybe agree to get him to answer one a day via text, if you also answer the question, too. Or make it a game – once he completes all 20 then you’ll give him a special surprise. It could also be fun to have each of you answer these questions about HIM… and then compare your answers. This may take some convincing, so make it fun and hopefully he’ll see the value in doing it.

So print these questions, text them, or email them – just get them to him so he can answer them. You could even start with the less invasive questions at first to get him warmed up. Have fun!

Here are our 20 questions to ask your guy:

1. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Why do you think so?

2. Who is your hero or the person you look up to most (dead or alive)?

3. What is the biggest thing you look for in a guy friend? A girl friend? A marriage partner?

4. What is one of your strengths (physical, mental, spiritual, etc)?

5. What is one of your weaknesses (physical, mental, spiritual, etc)?

6. If you could travel anywhere right now for free, where would you go?

7. What is your dream job? Has this always been your dream job or has that changed?

8. If you could fix one thing in the world by just wishing it to change, what would it be?

9. What are your top three favorite foods (meals, snacks, desserts)?

10. What is your most embarrassing moment?

11. If someone were to portray you in a movie about your life, which actor would it be?

12. What is one thing you have always wanted to do?

13. What is your biggest fear (real or imagined)?

14. What motivates you the most in life?

15. If you had a free day to yourself, what would you do?

16. Have you ever lost a loved one, and what did it feel like?

17. What is your favorite book of all time?

18. What three things would you bring with you to a deserted island?

19. What do you think other people think about you when they first meet you?

20. When/how do you feel most loved?

Be sure to write down his answers so that you will both remember them in a year or two. His answers are bound to change over time, so if you revisit these in the future it would be fun to see if anything has changed.

Did I miss any important ones? Tell me about them in the comments below!