Babies breathe weird. Sometimes it is literally impossible to tell if they’re breathing at all. I, like most moms, have experienced that momentary freak out in the middle of the night while my face is shoved straight into baby’s bassinet to find out if she’s alive.
Sometimes, when she takes a nap during the day, I stare at her trying to figure out if she stopped crying because she fell asleep or if she somehow managed to kill herself with her pacifier.
So here are a few simple steps to help parents check if their baby is breathing WITHOUT waking her up…
READ: How To Survive Your First Week Home With Baby
How To Check If Your Baby Is Breathing WITHOUT Waking Her Up
In A Dark Room
Step 1
Navigate the room with your hands out to make sure you don’t run into anything. Probably run into something anyway. Try not to make too much noise when you do.
Step 2
Crack the door to let in the barest amount of light, and let your eyes adjust.
Step 3
Crack the door wider because you still can’t see.
Step 4
Get frustrated and throw the door completely open.
Step 5
Freeze and hold your breath as the door hinges squeak.
Step 6
Creep over to your baby with cartoonishly exaggerated “sneaking” motions.
Step 7
Get your face so close to the baby that your nose is almost touching her. Don’t blink as you wait for baby’s chest to rise and fall. Feel awkward about how hard you’re staring.
Step 8
Wait some more. Start to quietly panic. Calculate exactly how long it would take an ambulance to arrive. Start mentally notifying family.
Step 9
Abandon all worst case scenarios when baby moves a foot.
Step 10
Shift your weight sloooooowly backward so as not to wake baby up, since that is now the worst case scenario, and continue until you are out the door.
Step 11
Curse the door wildly in your head when it creaks while you close it.
Step 12
Creep to bed.
In A Well-Lit Room
Step 1
Tiptoe over to your sleeping baby like a bomb tech approaching unstable nitroglycerin.
Step 2
Are baby’s lips and cheeks pink? If yes, she’s breathing.
Step 3
Sneak carefully away.
