Look, I’m all about keeping my house clean m and all that jazz but this whole “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo” show is straight up giving me heart palpitations and I don’t know how to feel about that.
The way I see it is, I love my clothes. I just don’t love my clothes. Especially not enough to thank them for serving me. I mean, look— that shirt was nice and all, but it’s not getting a thank you for all the times I leaned over slightly and displayed my boobcrack to everyone in the restaurant.
I’ll give it a thumbs up at best.
And can we just talk about how Marie wants us to be super into folding? Is she kidding me with that? I haven’t spent that much time or taken that much detail on anything since I took the SAT’s. I’m sure as shit not about to sink that kind of effort into folding a tank top I bought off a guy on a bicycle in Fort Lauderdale.
Then there’s this whole sentimental thing. She wants me to hang up pictures of myself all over my house? Come on, Marie. I don’t like the way I look 82 percent of the time. If I hang those pictures up, it’s just going to be standing there staring at them, wishing I wore nicer pants.
Side note: even if I did have nicer pants, I wouldn’t fold them in a little rectangle. What is even with those little rectangles anyway? Obviously that method is only for super skinny people, because if I tried to fold my shirt up like that, I’d be able to fit them three to a drawer.
Oh, and the kitchen.
When she walked into that lady’s crazy kitchen and started putting little cardboard boxes in all her drawers I wanted to come through the tv right then and there. Can you imagine what a mess that’s going to be when the toddlers get ahold of the boxes, and just like, toss them around the house? Or when the puppy decides to chew them up into microscopic pieces? Good luck picking those up.
That whole “store stuff in boxes inside of bins” thing has me stressed out on a level I can’t even describe.
I mean, why would you even do that? If something “sparked joy” for you, why are you keeping it inside a box inside a bin in a shelf in the garage?
JUST THROW IT AWAY.
You’re better off buying it again if you need it than paying for a box, a bin, and taking up storage space.
Like, that’s a show I want to watch. One where a tiny woman comes into people’s homes, rounds up all their crap they don’t actually need and just chunks it in the garbage.
“TRASH DAY WITH MARIE KONDO”
I feel a spin-off coming.