Totally The Bomb

Tag: empty nest

  • The part of empty nesting nobody puts on Instagram

    The part of empty nesting nobody puts on Instagram

    It’s not the day you drop them off at college. That part has a script — you cry in the parking lot, you hug too long, you drive home with sunglasses on even though it’s overcast.

    And it’s not the ‘freedom’ montage either. The wine with dinner on a Wednesday, the spontaneous weekend trip, the whole bed to yourself. People love posting that part. Good for them.

    It’s the Tuesday afternoon at 2pm when there’s nothing on the calendar, no one texting you a question, no one needing dinner, and you sit down on the couch and think — okay, now what? And then realize you have absolutely no idea.

    What even is that feeling?

    It’s not grief, exactly. Your kid is fine — they’re at school, they’re texting their friends, they ate something today (probably). You’re not sad in any way that makes sense to describe out loud.

    But you feel like a phone that got all its apps deleted. The hardware is still there. It just doesn’t know what to run anymore.

    I sat in that quiet for a long time before I even admitted it was happening.

    Why nobody posts this part

    Instagram empty nesting has two flavors: the tearful airport goodbye, and the ‘finally treating myself’ brunch. Both are real. Both are valid. Both photograph well.

    This part — the identity vertigo — doesn’t photograph. There’s no filter for ‘stared at my own kitchen for twenty minutes because I didn’t know if I was hungry or just bored or just lost.’

    And honestly? It makes people uncomfortable when you name it. You say “I don’t really know who I am without her needing me” and people want to fix it immediately. Go take a class! Start a hobby! Have you tried pickleball?

    Sometimes you don’t need a fix. You just need someone to say yeah, that’s a genuinely strange thing to sit with.

    Is this what they mean by ‘losing your identity as a mom’?

    Sort of — but I think that framing makes it sound more dramatic than it is in the day-to-day. It’s not a crisis. It’s more like… you’ve been fluent in a language for eighteen years and suddenly no one’s speaking it anymore.

    I knew what I wanted when what I wanted was attached to what she needed. Dinner at six because she had practice at seven. A quiet Saturday because she had a big test Monday. My whole internal calendar was organized around someone else’s life.

    Take that away and the calendar is just… empty rectangles.

    I wrote about something adjacent to this back when she finished middle school — that feeling of a chapter closing — but I had no idea that was just the preview.

    The weird guilt that shows up uninvited

    Here’s the thing nobody warns you about: feeling lost when you finally have freedom feels ungrateful. Like you should be thriving. Like all those years of wanting five minutes to yourself should have prepared you for this.

    They didn’t.

    Wanting five minutes of quiet and suddenly having every minute quiet are completely different animals. One is a treat. The other is just… the new texture of your life.

    And feeling weird about it doesn’t mean you raised your kid wrong or that you’re too enmeshed or whatever the parenting discourse word of the week is. It means you were actually present. You actually showed up. Of course it feels strange when the thing you showed up FOR isn’t there every day anymore.

    What the research actually says (because I looked it up)

    Empty nest syndrome is real and documented — but it looks different than most people expect. According to research published in psychological literature via the American Psychological Association, the transition tends to hit hardest not at the moment of departure but in the weeks and months after, when the novelty of quiet wears off and the routine hasn’t rebuilt itself yet.

    The parents who struggle most aren’t the ones who were ‘too involved’ — they’re often the ones who hadn’t maintained strong separate identities alongside their parenting identity. Which is extremely easy to let slide when you’re in survival mode for eighteen years.

    That’s not a character flaw. That’s just how it goes sometimes.

    So what do you actually do with a weird Tuesday?

    I’m going to be honest with you: I don’t have a tidy answer here. Anyone selling you a tidy answer is selling you something.

    What I can tell you is that I stopped trying to fill every quiet hour immediately. I let some of those Tuesdays be strange. I sat with not knowing. It felt uncomfortable for a while — and then it started to feel like information. Like my brain was slowly, reluctantly figuring out what it actually wanted when it wasn’t performing wanting-things-for-someone-else.

    Some of it was embarrassingly small. I want to eat lunch at 11:30. I want the TV off more. I want to read weird nonfiction for an hour in the middle of the day without feeling like I should be doing something.

    None of it is Instagram-worthy. All of it is mine.

    Does it get less weird?

    Yeah. It does. Not because you figure everything out — but because you get more comfortable not having everything figured out.

    In that post I wrote about turning 40, I talked about finally knowing what I wanted to be when I grew up. Empty nesting is a second version of that question. Except this time you don’t even have the excuse of being young.

    You’re just a person, in a house, on a Tuesday, starting over in the smallest possible ways.

    That’s actually kind of something, when you let it be.

    Nobody’s going to make a reel about this part. And that’s fine — some things don’t need to be content.

    But if you’re sitting in that weird quiet right now, the one that doesn’t feel like sadness and doesn’t feel like freedom and doesn’t really feel like anything you have a word for — you’re not doing it wrong. You’re just in the part they skip over.

    Stick around. It gets stranger before it gets clearer. And then, eventually, it gets kind of good.

    Frequently asked questions

    What is empty nest syndrome actually like day to day?
    It’s less about constant grief and more about small, disorienting moments — a quiet afternoon where you don’t know what you want, a calendar with no one else’s schedule anchoring yours. It tends to hit hardest weeks or months after your kid leaves, not just at the drop-off moment.
    Is it normal to feel lost after your kid leaves for college even if you’re not sad?
    Completely normal. Feeling lost isn’t the same as being sad — it’s more like your internal organizing system lost its main input. Parents who were highly present often feel this most acutely, which is a sign of good parenting, not a problem to fix.
    How long does the weird empty nest feeling last?
    It varies, but most people find the disorientation eases over several months as a new routine slowly builds. It gets less strange not because you solve it, but because you get more comfortable sitting with uncertainty.
    Why do I feel guilty about struggling with empty nesting?
    Because you finally have the freedom you spent years wanting, and struggling anyway feels ungrateful. But wanting five minutes of quiet and suddenly having all the quiet are totally different. The guilt is common and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you.
    What should I do on the hard empty nest days?
    You don’t have to fill every quiet hour immediately. Letting some days be strange and uncomfortable is actually useful — it’s your brain figuring out what it genuinely wants when it’s not organizing around someone else’s needs. Small discoveries count.
    Does empty nest syndrome affect moms differently than dads?
    Research suggests it often does, partly because mothers tend to organize more of their daily identity and schedule around their children’s needs. That said, plenty of dads experience the same identity disorientation — it depends far more on how present you were than on gender.
    Is empty nesting harder if you were a stay-at-home mom?
    It can be — when parenting was your primary daily structure for years, its absence leaves a bigger practical gap. But working moms report the same identity confusion. The ‘who am I now’ question doesn’t really care about your employment status.



  • The part of empty nesting nobody puts on Instagram

    The part of empty nesting nobody puts on Instagram

    It’s not the day you drop them off at college. That part has a script — you cry in the parking lot, you hug too long, you drive home with sunglasses on even though it’s overcast.

    And it’s not the ‘freedom’ montage either. The wine with dinner on a Wednesday, the spontaneous weekend trip, the whole bed to yourself. People love posting that part. Good for them.

    It’s the Tuesday afternoon at 2pm when there’s nothing on the calendar, no one texting you a question, no one needing dinner, and you sit down on the couch and think — okay, now what? And then realize you have absolutely no idea.

    What even is that feeling?

    It’s not grief, exactly. Your kid is fine — they’re at school, they’re texting their friends, they ate something today (probably). You’re not sad in any way that makes sense to describe out loud.

    But you feel like a phone that got all its apps deleted. The hardware is still there. It just doesn’t know what to run anymore.

    I sat in that quiet for a long time before I even admitted it was happening.

    Why nobody posts this part

    Instagram empty nesting has two flavors: the tearful airport goodbye, and the ‘finally treating myself’ brunch. Both are real. Both are valid. Both photograph well.

    This part — the identity vertigo — doesn’t photograph. There’s no filter for ‘stared at my own kitchen for twenty minutes because I didn’t know if I was hungry or just bored or just lost.’

    And honestly? It makes people uncomfortable when you name it. You say “I don’t really know who I am without her needing me” and people want to fix it immediately. Go take a class! Start a hobby! Have you tried pickleball?

    Sometimes you don’t need a fix. You just need someone to say yeah, that’s a genuinely strange thing to sit with.

    Is this what they mean by ‘losing your identity as a mom’?

    Sort of — but I think that framing makes it sound more dramatic than it is in the day-to-day. It’s not a crisis. It’s more like… you’ve been fluent in a language for eighteen years and suddenly no one’s speaking it anymore.

    I knew what I wanted when what I wanted was attached to what she needed. Dinner at six because she had practice at seven. A quiet Saturday because she had a big test Monday. My whole internal calendar was organized around someone else’s life.

    Take that away and the calendar is just… empty rectangles.

    I wrote about something adjacent to this back when she finished middle school — that feeling of a chapter closing — but I had no idea that was just the preview.

    The weird guilt that shows up uninvited

    Here’s the thing nobody warns you about: feeling lost when you finally have freedom feels ungrateful. Like you should be thriving. Like all those years of wanting five minutes to yourself should have prepared you for this.

    They didn’t.

    Wanting five minutes of quiet and suddenly having every minute quiet are completely different animals. One is a treat. The other is just… the new texture of your life.

    And feeling weird about it doesn’t mean you raised your kid wrong or that you’re too enmeshed or whatever the parenting discourse word of the week is. It means you were actually present. You actually showed up. Of course it feels strange when the thing you showed up FOR isn’t there every day anymore.

    What the research actually says (because I looked it up)

    Empty nest syndrome is real and documented — but it looks different than most people expect. According to research published in psychological literature via the American Psychological Association, the transition tends to hit hardest not at the moment of departure but in the weeks and months after, when the novelty of quiet wears off and the routine hasn’t rebuilt itself yet.

    The parents who struggle most aren’t the ones who were ‘too involved’ — they’re often the ones who hadn’t maintained strong separate identities alongside their parenting identity. Which is extremely easy to let slide when you’re in survival mode for eighteen years.

    That’s not a character flaw. That’s just how it goes sometimes.

    So what do you actually do with a weird Tuesday?

    I’m going to be honest with you: I don’t have a tidy answer here. Anyone selling you a tidy answer is selling you something.

    What I can tell you is that I stopped trying to fill every quiet hour immediately. I let some of those Tuesdays be strange. I sat with not knowing. It felt uncomfortable for a while — and then it started to feel like information. Like my brain was slowly, reluctantly figuring out what it actually wanted when it wasn’t performing wanting-things-for-someone-else.

    Some of it was embarrassingly small. I want to eat lunch at 11:30. I want the TV off more. I want to read weird nonfiction for an hour in the middle of the day without feeling like I should be doing something.

    None of it is Instagram-worthy. All of it is mine.

    Does it get less weird?

    Yeah. It does. Not because you figure everything out — but because you get more comfortable not having everything figured out.

    In that post I wrote about turning 40, I talked about finally knowing what I wanted to be when I grew up. Empty nesting is a second version of that question. Except this time you don’t even have the excuse of being young.

    You’re just a person, in a house, on a Tuesday, starting over in the smallest possible ways.

    That’s actually kind of something, when you let it be.

    Nobody’s going to make a reel about this part. And that’s fine — some things don’t need to be content.

    But if you’re sitting in that weird quiet right now, the one that doesn’t feel like sadness and doesn’t feel like freedom and doesn’t really feel like anything you have a word for — you’re not doing it wrong. You’re just in the part they skip over.

    Stick around. It gets stranger before it gets clearer. And then, eventually, it gets kind of good.

    Frequently asked questions

    What is empty nest syndrome actually like day to day?
    It’s less about constant grief and more about small, disorienting moments — a quiet afternoon where you don’t know what you want, a calendar with no one else’s schedule anchoring yours. It tends to hit hardest weeks or months after your kid leaves, not just at the drop-off moment.
    Is it normal to feel lost after your kid leaves for college even if you’re not sad?
    Completely normal. Feeling lost isn’t the same as being sad — it’s more like your internal organizing system lost its main input. Parents who were highly present often feel this most acutely, which is a sign of good parenting, not a problem to fix.
    How long does the weird empty nest feeling last?
    It varies, but most people find the disorientation eases over several months as a new routine slowly builds. It gets less strange not because you solve it, but because you get more comfortable sitting with uncertainty.
    Why do I feel guilty about struggling with empty nesting?
    Because you finally have the freedom you spent years wanting, and struggling anyway feels ungrateful. But wanting five minutes of quiet and suddenly having all the quiet are totally different. The guilt is common and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you.
    What should I do on the hard empty nest days?
    You don’t have to fill every quiet hour immediately. Letting some days be strange and uncomfortable is actually useful — it’s your brain figuring out what it genuinely wants when it’s not organizing around someone else’s needs. Small discoveries count.
    Does empty nest syndrome affect moms differently than dads?
    Research suggests it often does, partly because mothers tend to organize more of their daily identity and schedule around their children’s needs. That said, plenty of dads experience the same identity disorientation — it depends far more on how present you were than on gender.
    Is empty nesting harder if you were a stay-at-home mom?
    It can be — when parenting was your primary daily structure for years, its absence leaves a bigger practical gap. But working moms report the same identity confusion. The ‘who am I now’ question doesn’t really care about your employment status.