Awww. Sweet relief.
Baby cries. Mommy cries. Ladies in masks and gowns smile with their eyes, and declare their congratulations across the hustle and bustle of a busy room.
I just gave birth to my first child, my beautiful, perfect daughter.
Only, I’m not done yet. And somehow I forgot…the placenta.
What It’s Like Giving Birth…To The Placenta
Skin-on-skin, they put her on my chest so the bonding process can start. So sweet. Daddy cries tears of joy. Mommy cries tears of joy. Our princess has made her debut into the world. All is right in life. Euphoric feelings of happiness surround our little family. Ten tiny, perfect fingers. Ten tiny, perfect toes. Perf …
Oh, sweet Jesus! What is that fecking pain?!! That familiar searing pain across my belly? Contractions?!? Am I having twins?!?
“Okay. Now it’s time to birth the placenta.”
Wait, what? Birth? I already gave birth! See this tiny human on my chest? See this actual child I pushed out my vagina?! I’ve already had my 27 long hours of birthing experience fun. The birth already happened. I’m done. You have to be mistaken.
OUCH! Sweet mother of fricken holy crap! That was definitely a fricken contraction. What the actual hell?
I try to hold on to this sweet, slippery, wiggling creature that has been given to me, as the pain shoots across my still-swollen belly and down to my nether regions.
I’m so confused. Baby on my chest, contractions happening through my entire mid-section. I can’t understand anything that anyone is saying. I’m so fricken tired.
Holy fecking son of Zeus! That was a definite contraction!
A nurse takes my sweet angel off my chest. After passing the tiny bit of perfection off to another … I’m assuming … nurse, the first nurse starts to massage my belly.
When I say “massage my belly,” I really mean that she acts like my stomach is a piece of dough, and it is her job in life to punish it into submission. She takes her job seriously, and she seems to be taking actual pleasure, too much fricking pleasure, in this job.
“Alright, here it comes.”
I better be getting a second child out of this … or at least some kind of medal.
“Give a slight push.”
What? Didn’t I already do this part?
Pain, pain, fricking pain …
Finally, sweet relief once more!!
“There it is. All done!”
Oh, thank God. Thank the sweet Lord for this blissful reprieve once more!! I’m done! I did it!! It’s over!
“Okay. Now we just have to stitch up your tear.”
Crap.
