There’s a particular kind of enthusiasm some women have for a man who likes men.
He’s welcome at brunch. He can hear about the terrible boyfriend. His sexuality is something to celebrate, and his opinion is apparently essential when an outfit needs a second look.
But what happens when that man also likes women?
Suddenly, the thing that made him such delightful company can become the reason he’s no longer considered boyfriend material.
That’s the part I want to talk about.
A bisexual man isn’t a gay man waiting to admit it
The headline needs one clarification: a man who is attracted to women and men may be bisexual. Calling him gay because he has dated a man erases the very possibility this conversation is about.
His interest in a woman doesn’t become pretend because he can also be interested in a man.
And yet, bisexuality can get treated like an unfinished announcement. A temporary explanation somebody offers before revealing the supposedly real answer.
What would it take for his own answer to count?
If a man tells you he’s bisexual, you can believe him. You don’t need to finish his coming-out process for him.
Attraction isn’t a promise to cheat
One objection is that a bisexual man has more people to choose from.
Okay. And?
A straight man doesn’t stop noticing every other woman on earth when he enters a relationship. We still expect him to honor whatever commitment he made.
The same expectation can apply to a bisexual man.
Being capable of attraction to more than one gender doesn’t tell you whether someone will be faithful. His choices tell you that. So do his honesty, his behavior, and the agreement you have together.
Those are things you actually get to ask about.
Whether he’s secretly going to leave you for a man is a prediction you cannot make from the word “bisexual.”
Nobody owes anyone a date
Let’s get that out of the way, because this conversation always seems to arrive there.
Women are allowed to say no. Everyone is. Nobody should have to argue someone into finding them attractive.
But we can respect that freedom and still examine the assumptions behind a rejection.
If learning that a man has been attracted to men makes you assume he’s dishonest, less masculine, or incapable of commitment, there’s something worth questioning there.
Especially if you would describe yourself as completely accepting of queer people.
Acceptance gets a little more complicated when somebody stops being your entertaining friend and becomes a person with romantic hopes of his own.
Leave room for the whole person
A bisexual man might be a wonderful boyfriend. He might be an exhausting boyfriend. He might load the dishwasher in a way that makes you question whether the relationship has a future.
You have to get to know him.
Ask what he wants. Talk about commitment. Figure out whether you enjoy being around each other when nobody is trying to be impressive.
You might discover you aren’t compatible. That’s dating.
But if you like a man, and he likes you, his attraction to men doesn’t cancel what is happening between you.
He shouldn’t have to hide part of himself to remain a possibility.