If you’re anything like me, you’re probably feeling a little unhinged right now. The world is chaos. Everything’s on fire—metaphorically and maybe literally depending on the hour—and somehow we’re just expected to go about our day like grocery store strawberries aren’t $7.99 and fascism isn’t trying to rebrand itself as “patriotism.”
Honestly? It’s a lot.
Back when things were also a lot, Tina Fey hopped on Weekend Update and introduced the perfect coping mechanism: Sheetcaking.
That’s right. Skip the protests (or don’t, you brave sparkly soul), and instead grab yourself a sheet cake—preferably from a Black-owned or Jewish-owned bakery—and eat your feelings. With a fork. Alone. Possibly on the bathroom floor.
But hey, some of us live in towns where the fanciest bakery option is the Walmart by the gas station.
And we still want to stand against hate.
So what do we do?
We make our own.
Because sometimes the only way to scream into the void is with frosting in your mouth and sprinkles in your bra. So here’s how to make your own DIY Sheet Cake For One—perfect for stress-snacking while doomscrolling, ugly crying, or rewatching Schitt’s Creek for emotional support.
What You Need:
1 box of vanilla cake mix*
1 container of icing (your choice—there are no wrong answers here)
Whatever toppings make you feel slightly less dead inside (sprinkles, rainbow chips, edible glitter, small affirmations written in M&M’s…)
How To Make It:
Preheat your oven to whatever the box says. You don’t need that kind of decision fatigue today.
Mix everything together like we could mix as a country if people weren’t out here gatekeeping human rights.
Pour it into a pan. Any pan. This is survival baking, not the Great British Bake Off
Bake until a toothpick comes out clean—or until your existential dread starts to smell like cake.
Cool, frost, and decorate like you’re the main character in a chaotic comfort movie.
Now take that cake somewhere safe. Bathroom floor? Couch fort? Wrapped in a blanket like a frosting-smeared burrito of rage and hope? Go for it.
Eat that cake one bite at a time, scream into your fork, and remind yourself:
We are not going down without carbs.
Enjoy.
