Skip to Content

I Tried A Diva Cup And Now I Hate Life

Okay, let me start off by saying that I love the idea of using a Diva Cup. No tampons to fuss with, no scary toxic shock syndrome, less of an environmental impact; plus you save money. But- it’s easier said than done. Gird your loins, because we’re about to get messy. This is my Diva Cup experience…

menstruation cup

For those of you who don’t know what a Diva Cup is, it’s a silicone cup that is used to catch menstrual blood in place of a cotton tampon. It uses suction to stay in place, and when you’re ready, you remove it and pour the blood down the toilet, rinse it off, and reinsert. Seems simple, right? I got my diva cup as a gift from an environmentally conscious friend who knew I wanted to try one. I knew there was a learning curve to using a product like this, but I figured it would be worth it in the end. Well; the jury is still out on that one.

So, I’ll spare you the details of insertion, since there was nothing really noteworthy about that, other than a slightly uncomfortable feeling that went away as my body got used to it’s presence, and getting a little more personal with my lady bits than I am used to having to do. I will say I enjoy going to bed knowing that I don’t need to worry about TSS or leaking. Everything was as promised when I woke up, but removing this thing was no easy feat…

It started like this… I’m sitting on the toilet and start feeling for the stem of this thing, and I can feel it, but I cant grip it. If I can’t even grip the stem, how am I going to pinch the bottom of this thing to release the suction? So after much fishing around, I still can’t get it.  Okkaaayyyyyy…so now what?

I try lifting up one leg. Still can’t get it. In my head I am already imagining a frantic call to my friend and/or boyfriend begging  for help in extricating this thing from my vageen. I lean left. I lean right. Jump up and down a little. No luck.

For a few minutes I sit there, completely stumped as to what I should do. Maybe squatting would work? But isn’t having to take off your pants entirely a little bit ridiculous? Is there a YouTube tutorial for this? No wait, I don’t want to see a YouTube tutorial for this. Are my fingers ridiculously short? How many fingers should I be using? It’s not a hotel lobby in there. AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.

So, now that I’ve been in the bathroom for entirely too long- I’m finally ready to get down to business. I ditch the pants, climb into the tub, and assume the position. I’m already thinking about how I’m going to need to bleach the ever loving shit out of this tub, and start fishing around for this mother-effer.

Okay, it’s a little more accessible from this position, but still eluding me. I start calling upon every childbirth technique I know, and bearing down like my life depends on it. The Rocky song is playing in my head. In the movie of my life, this part would be a motivational and inspiring montage.

This is pretty much the grossest thing that has ever happened in this bathtub, and my kid has pooped in here several times.

I can’t believe I still haven’t gotten it out. This is ridiculous. I’ve got shit to do today. So I push. HARD. I’m not sure how many fingers I had to use to get a handle on it, but I can tell your for sure I’ll never forget what happened next.

I start slowly pulling it out, thinking that I’ll daintily pour it out and be on my way. About halfway through removing it, I knew that wasn’t going to be an option. I can feel the pressure of the opening of the cup the closer I get to having it all the way out. It’s about to be a massacre in here. I know it.

I felt it pop open as it came out there was an audible splash.

my diva cup experience

It was everywhere. On my legs. On my feet. Pretty much up to my elbows (okay, that’s probably an exaggeration.). AND there was still some in the cup. It looked like a scene straight out of Carrie. I was entirely disgusted, but also impressed with all that my uterus had done while I was sleeping. Like, good uterusing, uterus.

I spend an unladylike amount of time considering taking a picture of it, sending it to my friend with the caption “LOOK AT WHAT I HAVE DONE.” but ultimately decided not to. Instead, I rinsed out the tub, scrubbed myself clean, put the diva cup away, and sent off these two text messages instead.

The first to my friend.

my diva cup experience

and the next to my boyfriend

my diva cup experience

So, I really want to love you, Diva Cup, but I fear you and I just aren’t meant to be. I’m going to try the smaller size before I relegate myself to using tampons forever, but like, I like my tub, and blood stains grout like a bitch. Know what I’m sayin’? I hope you understand.

Sincerely,

Bitter and Bloodspattered.

Want to read more?

5 Reasons to NOT Vaccinate Your Kids

vaccinate your kids

SaveSave

Star Wars AT-AT Coloring Page
← Previous
Did You Know Tapping The Side Of A Shaken-Up Soda Can Really Does Help?
Next →

Aquarius

Wednesday 5th of February 2020

I have no idea how old this post is but I can say with absolute certainty that you should try the Lena cup instead. It has a much longer stem with better grip rings, on the stem and on the bottom of the cup to help you grip it. Something I do to help ease it in is I take this water-based lube and dab it on the exterior and that helps to get it in and do the little twist to secure it in place. After that, I'm good to go for the next 10-12 hours. Now I'm probably biased since the Lena cup is the only one I've tried but I read that it's also the best cup for beginners and it has 2 sizes. There's a version you can buy of the Lena cup that's a 2 pack with the small and large versions in the package, so you can figure out which size would work best for you.

Jill

Friday 19th of April 2019

Oh my god this was hilarious and I related so much! Thank you for making me feel less alone on this wtf is wrong with me diva cup journey. I feel like this thing is going to give me hemroids with the amount to bearing down it takes to get it out!

Rachel H

Wednesday 10th of April 2019

I'm silently screeching to myself in my room with no support with this whole diva cup experience, and I'm not sharing any of this with my brother or dad any time soon. But I just tried inserting this fricken blood sucker. It went in eventually, but also painfully. It's in, but IT STILL HURTS. I'm throwing a hissy fit and lying on my bed trying not to move in a wrong way, or the tender walls of my lady parts will be crying about it. AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT SEEMS TO HAVE A VAGINA THE SIZE OF A... WELL, JUST A SMALL PATHETIC VAGINA? This is my second cycle using 'em. Sure, takes a while to get used too but does it hurt everytime? And when taking it out oh boy I try to relax but no, that hurts too. I want to love my hurty cup but it's just a pain in the vag and I'm reading all about these "oh yes smooth sailing on the crimson wave" comments but heck. I've never been this frustrated before.

Jamie

Wednesday 10th of April 2019

It's awful!

Emma @ MenstrualCupaholic.com

Tuesday 26th of February 2019

Awww, dude. That sounds like a horrific experience. I'm not gonna lie, my first few times using a menstrual cup were pretty easy (apart from the first time trying to remove it, I definitely had to youtube that!).

But then in my last cycle, I was at work, and it just went everywhere! My hands were sticky and trying to pull out more toilet paper, but it's that thin stuff that breaks apart in strings, and it was a major disaster!

Now I make sure I have a wad of clean paper in my hand before attempting to remove the thing!! Still better for the environment than the crazy amounts of pads and tampons we use.

mdaycup

Wednesday 8th of August 2018

Really awesome article. Thanks for sharing that type of good content.