I don’t have the necklace my dead grandmother gave me on right now.
I don’t have the necklace I got for myself when I lost the first 100 lbs on right now.
I don’t have the little libra choker I got for myself when I hit 2 million TikTok followers on right now.
But I haven’t taken off this little harmonica since I put it on.
I even took a shower in it.
A friend gave this to me. I saw her wearing one, and I told her if I had one maybe I’d start wearing necklaces again.
She ordered one, and in the meantime, I felt really strong, and I put a couple of my old necklaces back on.
When she handed it to me, I put it in a safe place. Just in case.
Fast forward to today. I haven’t had my necklaces on since my ex husband showed up unannounced on Saturday morning to get his things.
But today, today I put on my little pink harmonica. And when I get a little stressed out, I just remember that it’s a silly little toy, and I can play the harmonica instead of thinking about the time I thought would be the last time I’d ever close my eyes.
You see, it isn’t fair at all that this is happening to me, and I don’t really know how to reconcile that. Right now? It’s honestly just a lot of tears. And I can’t stop them when they start. They come until they’re done.
And they come at the most awkward times. I don’t want to cry at the stationery store.
But sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t make it to the end of the night all in one piece. Sometimes I feel like I fall asleep all broken only to wake up sort of put together in a way that I can stand and do whatever it is I need to do, but I can’t think about any one thing too long or my brain will have time to stop.
And right now, I can’t let my brain stop. I can’t lose my peace. No matter what.
Even if it means walking away from things and people I really love.
Because I can’t fall apart. And the only thing keeping me together right now is a harmonica that I don’t even know how to play.
