Here's What It's Really Like To Be An Introvert

Hello, my name is Amanda, and I’m an introvert.

Growing up, people always assumed I was some kind of weird snob that didn’t want to associate with members of a group, or they assumed I thought I was “better” than those around me. All this because I didn’t talk. Truth is, I was terrified.

I desperately wanted to be part of a group of kids. I ached to be invited to parties, and yearned to be asked out to the movies or to go bowling. I simply wanted to be comfortable hanging out with a group of friends, but I was scared to death and self conscious of saying the wrong thing.

I was terribly afraid of too much silence in any conversation I was having, and I was worried the kids were expecting me to act a certain way other than like myself.

I remember going to school dances, and hugging the walls for fear I would make a spectacle of myself. I would go to church youth functions and leave, having said not a word. In my warped mind, I assumed they all thought I was weird, and didn’t want to interact with me.

Then there was group work at school. It was enough to drive me to need meds to make it through. I distinctly remember the awful feeling of dread, not from doing the work itself, but having to socially interact with people.

I am still afflicted by the introvert bug to this day.

I have a fear of being in a crowd, yet invisibly alone. I have a very real phobia of meeting with a person one-on-one (even sometimes my immediate family). It causes near panic attacks, because I dwell on the fact that there might be silence or lulls in the conversation.

I spend entirely too much time berating and analyzing everything I say. I even stress over what I’m doing with my hands.

Talking to people on the phone or on FaceTime? Forget it!

I had the opportunity last weekend to attend an awesome meeting for work. I was so excited about going, and had been looking forward to it for weeks.

There was only one problem: there were people at this meeting I had never before met. I was a mess. First of all, it took me two hours and six outfit changes to get ready, because I was afraid of being judged on my appearance.

Then, the entire hour and a half drive there I was giving myself a pep talk. “You will make an effort to talk to people. You won’t just sit in the corner trying to hide. You will introduce yourself. You will be confident.”

All these things I repeated to myself, sweaty palmed, on the way there.

It was fine, of course. Nobody cared what I was wearing, and everybody was nice and inviting as could be. But, me being me, the entire way back home I replayed the meeting in my mind. Did they think I was weird? Did they think I was an imposter? Did I say anything wrong?

Yes, I admit it, I’m strange. I’m more comfortable behind a keyboard or reading a book than I am talking to an actual, live human. I’ve even been known to wear airpods at the grocery store, so I don’t have to interact with people. Weird? I say no.