Maybe it’s Maybelline, Maybe it’s Quarantine

Brad loved bragging about marrying the most beautiful wife ever.

When quarantine started he joked how investing in his high maintenance bride would pay off. Steamy days and nights with a girl most men would drool over.

But let us have a Dr. Phil moment and ask “how is that working for you?”

First few days were great.

Working from his make shift home office while watching her do yoga was perfection.

Heating up leftovers from all the expensive restaurants they went to recently. Sipping wine while she slipped into one of the many Victoria Secret numbers he spoiled her with recently.

A few days pass and he asked if she felt well. She was looking a little pale.

She felt fine. However, the fake spray tan was fading and the tanning salon was no longer open.

He would now appreciate her porcelain skin, which seemed to glow under her perfectly placed make up. Damn girl was still even doing the winged eyeliner.

By the end of the week the left overs ran out and he asked her to do some grocery shopping. The life lessons came like an avalanche.

She doesn’t cook. They were now the proud owners of every frozen meal in aisle 8, 5 boxes of cereal and 5 cases of Cherry Pepsi.

Is she squinting? Winking?

Nope.

The left eyelash extension fell off. She couldn’t stand the way it looked and got frustrated trying to take the right one off.

MOTHER HOPPER. The right one came off and took all but 3 of her natural lashes with it.

Okay. Pale and small eyes. Wait are her eyes now brown?

Yes. Her eyes were so sore she had to remove her blue contacts. He started to wonder what was listed on her drivers license.

All types of salons have been closed now for two weeks. She apparently is naturally a red head. Full Brazilian waxes have hid that fact until now.

Her naturally curly red hair is growing in. With out those professional dyes, highlights and blow outs, she looks like a Shirley Temple doll with poorly placed extensions.

Love is blind though and she is slipping into that one naughty outfit where the whole thing is made of fishnet stocking type material. All is still good.

Then he looks down. Damn that grows out fast.

Looks like a small furry animal is pressed up against a vent of some sort. Hair poking out everywhere.

He can’t hide the fact that he can’t look away. Does he ignore it or pet it?

Next day while on a conference call he smells something odd. They are down to the last of the frozen food and it is an entire case of bean burritos.

Her body is a temple and has always been treated as one. She only eats organic salads with the best vinaigrette. This damn chick never even had any processed food before this happened.

That night, cuddled on the couch with his now brown eyed baby, she leaned over and he thought game on. It was gas.

Game over.

She ate 3 bean burritos and two cans of Cherry Pepsi. Her stomach was so bloated she couldn’t bend over without moaning.

Downward dog pose was now known as The Full Expelling pose.

The noises coming from her stomach sounded like a grinding garbage disposal under water.

Then it happened. She got up to go to the bathroom and she had the walking farts. Every freaking step.

The smell was as if every gurgle in her stomach was an exorcism of a dead demon that later escaped as methane.

This was bound to happen some day. He could get past this.

Later the protein must of kicked in from the beans and she had energy that needed released. He was more than happy to help.

That is until she yelled stop.

Apparently two of her nails came off in his hair as she was running her fingers through it.

He reached over to his nightstand and turned on his lamp. Catching a glimpse at their wedding photo of this blonde haired, blue eyed and tanned woman that smelled of dainty flowers.

He looked up and saw a red head with deep brown eyes with ghostly skin and still slightly smelled of refried beans.

He felt bad for focusing on these differences but it struck him that if called in to pick his wife out of a line up he wouldn’t be able to do it.

Today his buddy called him from work asking what the hell he was thinking.

What?

During the conference call he saw some strange girl behind Brad asking about dinner.

Brad tried explaining that was his wife. Pretty sure the new rumor is how he pulled off having an affair during a quarantine.

For better or worse, sickness and in health, richer or poorer. Did it mention anything about level of hairiness?

He can’t wait to see what he learns in the next few weeks.