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Why Won’t You Just Stay Home?

Look, this isn’t some sort of drill or a fun game. If we don’t stay in our houses a bunch of people are going to die, and I’d really like that to not happen.

Just stay home already.

If you’re standing out in your driveway chatting with your neighbors, why? Why is it suddenly so important that you have an in the yard wine date with Debbie from down the street? Three weeks ago you hated her.

Stop pretending like you’re best friends. Go inside.

If you’re meeting up at the playground with your fellow moms group because your kids have got to get some time on the slide, then you are a part of the problem. Kids existed for hundreds of years without playground equipment. Give them some spoons and a bowl and let the go dig in your backyard.

Get off the playground for crying out loud.

If suddenly you can’t seem to spend an evening on your couch and you need to be at a movie theater catching the latest release, well, everything is being released early right to your house, and movie popcorn isn’t all that hard to make.

So what’s your excuse now?

If you have to get out. You just have to, you’re going to go stir crazy if you don’t, then get in your car, roll up the windows, drive around and wave at people from the comfort of your driver’s seat.

Oh and don’t roll down your window. For crying out loud.

I saw someone going through a car wash on Facebook earlier today. A car wash is not an essential service. You can have a little dirt on your car.

Oh, or you could just stay home and wash it yourself with a hose. Shocker, I know.

Whatever you are doing, whatever you are planning, enough is enough. Just stay home. Sit on your couch. Have some delicious snacks and spend some time with your family.

Or don’t. Split up into separate rooms and don’t even speak to each other. I really don’t care.

Just don’t leave your house. You’re being ridiculous right now. Enough is enough.

Stay. Home.