10 Things I Actually Want For Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day. Just saying the words invoke images of gifts made of crepe paper, frumpy bathrobes, stand mixers, flowery stationary, or maybe a box of chocolates, or grocery-store flowers. Not that I’m not appreciative. These are all great gifts, but let’s get real for a minute. There are some, shall we say, less traditional gifts I want this year. Just hear me out for a minute. Here are 10 things I actually want for Mother’s Day.

10 Things I Actually Want For Mother’s Day

In no particular order, I give you the top 10 things I actually want for Mother’s Day this year:

1. 10 uninterrupted minutes to poop in peace
This doesn’t seem like a big gift, but trust me, it’s bigger than you think. I can’t close the door to the bathroom for more than 20 seconds before my son comes in, always with a totally nonsensical question. Then, he comes in 6 more times before I’m done. “Lock the door,” you might say. I have an old house. There IS no lock, and my kids take full advantage.

2. Sleepcation
You’ve obviously heard of a vacation, and you’ve undoubtedly heard of a staycation, well this would be like a mommy vacation to sleep! Just give me one night, ONE NIGHT, at the local Hampton by myself. I’ll be asleep by 8pm, and I won’t wake up until checkout. Just thinking about it gives me warm tinglies all over.

3. Dishes done
I need to add a slight caveat to this: I want the dishes done CORRECTLY, so I don’t have to redo them. Just picture it, a clean sink and counter. The dishes put away neatly, and efficiently. I might cry right on the spot, in which case, I’ll need the puddle of tears cleaned up too.

4. Laundry done
I can’t even. Empty laundry baskets? Clean clothes folded and put neatly where they go? It’s quite possible this has never before happened at my house. I don’t believe it’s possible. It’s important to have unicorn dreams, though.

5. The house to myself
Go ahead Daddy, take the kids to that movie they want to see. I’ll just stay home, in my house that’s been cleaned of dishes and laundry. I wouldn’t even know what to do with myself! Read a book? Craft a bit? Run around the house naked like a crazy person? The world would be my oyster.

6. Eat a meal without hearing gagging or crying
This is never, in a lifetime, going to happen. Oh, to spend my time working on a healthy, delicious meal, and then to have my kids cheer and thank me when I bring the food to the table. I would feel like I just won the Nobel Peace Prize.

7. Uninterrupted bubble bath
Is this even a thing? Does this ever happen? Hot water, bubbles, AND quiet? I don’t think it really exists. It would be quite the luxury, though. *sigh*

8. Layout at a beach
By “layout at a beach,” I don’t mean mommy on hyper alert, with her eyes constantly roaming the landscape, and body poised to jump and save a kid at any given moment. Yes, ninja is in my job description, but I want, nay I NEED, a day off. I want to be on a towel, under the sun, with the sound of the waves in the near distance. The kids can be playing video games SAFELY in the hotel room. Nobody on the beach for mommy to save, nobody asking for food or drinks, nobody kicking sand in my face and on my blanket. Oh, sweet sun.

9. No whining
Yes, I do realize this is a big request. I can’t take it any longer, though. PLEASE. I just want one freaking night where my daughter’s piercing voice doesn’t reach screechy decibels that could break glass. I’m begging. Give a momma the gift of talking at regular levels. There really is no need for the whining. Please, I’m begging for this one.

10. Baths without tears
Now, there may be some kids out there who like baths. My kids are NOT in this lucky few. Bath time is a two-hour ordeal simply due to the crying. They cry about the temperature of the water, they cry about having the wrong washcloth, there are tears come hair-washing time, they cry when they are allowed 5 toys instead of 6, and THEN they cry when they have to get out. My nerves are on edge, EDGE I tell you!

See these requests aren’t so bad. Most of them are (maybe) achievable. So, take note, and toss the traditional gifts. This is my year, the year for ALL MOMS. Give us what we really want, what we need to stay sane, and, good lord, what we deserve this year!