How Sibling Rivalry Made Me A Stronger Adult
I am going to start with this full and honest disclosure: I was a crazy kid. Like, if our lives had been filmed as a reality show, there’s a really good chance I’d still be locked away in a state mental hospital somewhere. And that’s not me making light of mental illness at all, seriously, some of the things that happened in my house were just insane. That being said, most of the things that made me crazy were the fights and constant bickering and sometimes hand to hand combat I engaged in with my brothers. The thing is, though, as much as it sucked at the time (and as much as I’m certain it made my mom want to run away from home) I am amazed on a daily basis about How Sibling Rivalry Made Me A Stronger Adult. Don’t get me wrong…I’m not proposing that you should set up some sort of Fight Club in the backyard for your kids, I’m just saying that there are certain advantages to kids, for lack of a better term, duking it out between themselves.
How Sibling Rivalry Made Me A Stronger Adult
1. Engaging is a choice…
When we were younger, I remember my brothers and I engaged constantly. It’s as if none of us knew we could choose not to. And that constant engagement…stepping into every single battle…meant that no matter what there was always going to be someone hurt in the end.
As an adult, looking back on that let’s me keep the end in mind and choose not to engage. Not every battle has to be fought. If something truly isn’t a big deal, there is no reason for me to turn it into one. I’m not sure I’d understand that as clearly if my brothers and I hadn’t faced it so often growing up.
2. All actions have consequences…
If I broke something of my brother’s, he’d break something of mine. It didn’t matter if it was on purpose or not, that was the result. Every time.
As an adult I know that everything I do, intentional or unintentional, has to be answered for. It makes me much more careful with how I live my life. That lesson has taken me farther than almost any other lesson I’ve learned!
3. Negotiations have to be a two way street…
Begging my brother not to kill me after I embarrassed him in front of his friends never did anything. Finding ways to coax him into negotiation sometimes did.
As an adult I know that both parties have to be on board with negotiation before it ever works. Just asking someone for something isn’t the same as finding the thing they’re willing to negotiate for…
4. Words can not be unspoken…
There are still things that were said by me to my brothers…and things they said to me…that hurt.
As an adult I choose my words carefully because I know they can not be taken back. Once spoken, those words are part of a permanent fabric of the other person’s mind and knowing this makes me think before I talk.
5. Competition is healthy, but only with clear rules…
We’d compete for everything. Who would get the front seat, who would choose the channel, who had to clean the toilet… And those competitions rarely ended well because we never set out clear rules.
As an adult I love competitions but I now know that if the rules, and rewards, aren’t made clear in the beginning someone is going to be hurt.
6. No one is responsible for your actions but you…
My brothers never made me hit them, I chose to hit them.
As an adult I know not only am I responsible for my own actions, but other people are responsible for theirs. We ALL make our own choices and are responsible for those choices and their consequences (good or bad).
7. Empathy goes a long way…
It wasn’t until I was a teen that I felt any empathy toward my brothers. It’s no surprise that empathy changed our relationship and brought us closer.
As an adult I know putting myself in someone else’s shoes, feeling for them without desire to receive anything in return, goes a long way toward building bridges. It’s also important to know that feeling empathy is not the same as condoning someone’s actions…it’s simply understanding that there was a reason for them.
8. People are more important than things…
Our toys and gadgets and stuff were being broken constantly…and we hated each other when it happened.
As an adult I understand that stuff is stuff. I never want to hate someone over a thing again. Things are replaceable, people are not.
9. It’s okay to walk away…
Sibling rivalry made it hard to walk away from conflict. It’s as if every fight was the end all, be all fight of our lives. We had to dominate the other.
As an adult I know that’s not the case. I can choose to be in a fight with someone, or I can choose to walk away. More often than not, I walk.
So I guess the question after all this is would I have learned these things without sibling rivalry? Chances are, yes. But I believe it’s having faced all of these questions as a child that made me learn them faster as an adult. I have friends who are still learning how to handle simple arguments. I’ve watched adults at sporting events who acted more foolish than any child I’ve ever met because they couldn’t stop engaging. I’ve heard things shouted in anger that will never be forgotten…
I’m not saying I never make mistakes, but being able to look back on my childhood and learn from what I experienced with my brothers has definitely made my life more manageable. I am stronger because of the rivalry we had…not because I learned how to win or get my way, but because I learned that getting my way didn’t always make me the winner.
