Do Not Let Your Kids Watch 13 REASONS WHY
13 Reasons Why is a show on Netflix based on the Best Selling Young Adult Novel by Jay Asher. The book takes place just after a teenage girl kills herself and she has left a series of 13 tapes behind for the people in her life that are the reasons why she killed herself to listen to. I read the book several years ago and have followed the author online for several years. I am a bit of a YA junkie, and I was really excited for this series to come out. Which means that going in, I knew that the booked touched on extremely triggering topics like rape and suicide.
I watched the series fully intending on sitting down with my middle school aged daughter and watching with her. I knew that the topics touched on were hardcore, and that it would lead to some serious discussions between the two of us. But I am not so naive as to think that her friends aren’t already talking about sex and suicide. Even as a sixth grader, my daughter has brought a string of texts between her and a few friends where one of the girls was threatening to kill herself. This is heavy stuff that I hate my kid is learning about at such a young age, but it IS happening, and we as parents DO need to be aware of it.
All that being said, I beg you to, no I IMPLORE you, DO NOT LET YOUR KIDS WATCH 13 REASONS WHY! (And if they have already watched it, but you haven’t, keep reading, because you have some damage control to do.)
Why am I not okay with this Netflix Original Series? Why do I not want kids to learn about the aftermath of bullying, drugs, alcohol, rape and suicide? (This show is rated TV-MA by the way, which means Mature Audience Only. This program is specifically designed to be viewed by adults and therefore may be unsuitable for children under 17. So Netflix doesn’t disagree with me.)
- This show was overly graphic. The last four episodes especially, so if you watch the first couple and think you have a good overview of how intense the show is, you don’t. They have explicit warnings at the beginning of each episode, but that isn’t enough. The show features two rapes of teenage girls. These rapes are gritty, horrifying and not something your children need to actually witness just in case they need to deal with something like this. They did a good job of showing Hannah (the girl who committed suicide) and how she felt during the rape, but watching her body writhe with each “thrust” was completely unnecessary and not something we needed to watch in order to understand the gravity of the situation.
- The suicide toward the end of the series might as well have been a handy dandy how-to graphic for how to kill yourself. They showed her stealing razors, and the showed the actual cutting of her wrists, the way she cried out and laid in the bathtub until she was gone. Why show a kid exactly how to do it? Why was that important? Don’t you think we could have gotten the same feelings if we hadn’t watched the blade actually pierce and slice her skin? (Also, in the books, she took pills. Was that not graphic enough for television?)
- The other big problem I had with the suicide was the build up, the entire series lead up to Hannah killing herself. Which isn’t different than in the books, but for some reason, they made it feel like a big reveal, an event that you were waiting on. Something exciting. Suicide should never EVER be exciting. And I was disappointed that they depicted it as such.
- They glamorized Hannah, the girl who killed herself. They made her out to be this big amazing person that everyone remembered and was heartbroken about after she left. In the book, the story was more about the kids she left behind, but for some reason, the series made this about her, like she left some sort of legacy only a dead girl could leave behind. Why would you want kids to think their lives will only have meaning after they die? What kind of effed up message even is that?
Look, I get it. I get that the whole point of the series is to make me feel uncomfortable because you SHOULD be uncomfortable when it comes to these topics. I understand that the scenes were overly graphic because they were trying to be real and show kids that actions have real consequences. I am just saying that it went too far. That the message is lost in the uncomfortableness, and that the way the series is depicted isn’t fair to the story or to the characters and what they went through.
The bottom line is this:  There are differences between reading books and watching shows. With books, if things get too intense you can easily skim ahead a bit and avoid certain content. With shows it isn’t that simple. And a younger watcher might not be emotionally prepared to watch someone else’s depiction of these events. That development takes time. Seeing it thrown out there before they have the emotional strength to understand it us unfair to them and it isn’t right for us as parents to do that.
I remember the first time I watched the Lord of The Rings, when the orcs came on and how scared I was of them. The thing is, when I’d read the book as a kid, the orcs were only as scary as my imagination would let them be, and they were nowhere near as frightening as they were in the movie. I think this is sort of the same thing happening here. When you read something, your mind is only going to let it go as far as your mind can handle but when you watch it, you are at the mercy of someone else’s mind, and this time 13 Reasons Why did a poor job of understanding how much high school and middle school aged kids can handle.
Honestly, I am disappointed that I can’t share this show with my child. That we can’t talk through the things that happen, the cyber bullying, the sex, the kids and the way they treat each other and use this series as a tool to breed the conversation. I would have loved to see this series be something we could show to our high schoolers. A teaching aide for them to understand that life isn’t as dramatic or dire as they think it is in high school. It is such a missed opportunity that because of the overly graphic nature of a few scenes that this series can’t be more valuable to us as a society.
If your kids have already watched it, or you are planning to let them watch it anyway, talk to them. Talk through what they’ve seen and what their friends are talking about. Really spend some time on these topics and assess how it made them feel, because if this show shocked me as an adult, I can’t imagine how much it is going to rock the thought process of an adolescent.
I don’t have young children any longer (all grown and married with kids of their own) but I am still glad I came across your blog post. I have seen the ads for this show many times and really have never been tempted to watch it myself (I lost my own brother AND father to suicide years ago), but I am a therapist and have gotten questions. Thanks!
The overall interactions of these “kids” is overall exaggerated, in my opinion. I did watch the show because I had read the book a couple years ago; and when my daughter asked to watch it, I said NO! *she is 13 and informed me she wanted to watch it because her friends were watching*. Dismissive of the gratuitous (and, yes, it was unnecessarily gratuitous) nature of the rape scenes and other inappropriate material, the overall depiction of “today’s teen” is despicable. I tire of these shows that display false norms to our children. These shows routinely encourage and continue to exaggerate the same sad, false narrative: That high school is a time to be clueless or drunk or a wandering stereotype of whatever kind that seemingly must be chosen…. who curses and treats others inappropriately in the glory of sowing the oats of selfishness and debauchery that is typical of today’s free youth. The adults are clueless all around and might as well be nonexistent in a world completely ruled, controlled, and otherwise manipulated by the “inmates”. Not just this show, but countless others have paved the way and/or joined to create a despicable stereotype of who our youth “should” be. Instead of sitting “kids” down and
discussing how this is the norm that they need to navigate through, why are parents not telling their kids the truth: THAT THIS IS ALL A LIE. Tell them that they are better than this. Tell them that our media and the powers that be would easily have them believe this trash to be entertained and make a dollar. Tell your kids about how 13, 14, 15, 16, and 17 year olds of former generations and of alternative societies often had families and had jobs and sensible decision making skills in the decades and centuries of our pasts… that when they were presented with responsibility and citizenship as the expectation, they lived up to it quite easily. These youths are all misguided and self-centered or self-indulged in various ways. The whole thing is messed up, but for many more reasons than we are even addressing here. Rape does happen. Drunk parties and car accidents, and bullying, and all the rest DOES happen. But this is glorification of what should NOT be seen as typical of our youth. Let’s give them the talk- That much needed self-fulfilling prophecy that they so badly need to see and hear and manifest: THIS IS NOT WHO YOU ARE. YOU are better than this stereotype… for so many more reasons why.
Honestly, your view of the average high school experience is very naive. I had an internship counseling kids in high school and far worse happened regularly. Specifically, at a ‘keg party’ a girl who was drunk and unconscious was passed around by several guys. She only found out about it because the witnesses were laughing about it later and calling her a slut.
Oftentimes at 7:30 AM kids would already be wasted off of vodka in water bottles and oxycontin!
My daughter is 14 about to go into to high school next year. I need her to see this, as graphic and uncomfortable as it is. These are the situations she will be dealing with. High school has always had its A* holes its even worse now with social media and kids her age. I cannot hide her from the world I can only show her what she’s up against and talk to her about ways to prevent these things from happening to her or someone she knows. I want to make sure she feels like she can come to me whenever she has a problem instead of trying to hide things from Mom like I did growing up.
“Look, I get it. I get that the whole point of the series is to make me feel uncomfortable because you SHOULD be uncomfortable when it comes to these topics. I understand that the scenes were overly graphic because they were trying to be real and show kids that actions have real consequences.”
If you believe that, I personally think you are really naive. I am pretty sure there are no “not for profit’s” involved in any of this. People are drawn to controversy and things that are cutting edge. It’s about attracting viewers which means money. I’m not saying there is never any good programming, but why look to a morally corrupt industry for lessons in morality?
You make Valid points on the subject. And I don’t completely disagree with you. However, I feel like you still can let a high school aged kid watch this series and still talk about it. Instead off posting an article online telling parents not to let there kids watch it. Why don’t you discuss these points WITH your child along with the point that this series is trying to make. I read the book myself in high school before the tv series had came out. But, It did not leave me with an impression to kill myself or to do anything negative for that matter because i understood that it was a fictional story while still absorbing the points it was getting across. All I’m saying is don’t deprive your kid of a learning experience by hiding the truth from them. because, sooner or later they will figure all this stuff out on their own.
She isn’t saying to hide the truth from them. Sounds like the best option is to READ THE BOOK with teens.
Amen! Thank you for voicing the truth about this series. I was happy to finally read something that touched on the negatives of letting our kids watch this. Thank you!!
Lady, if you think a stupid show will be the determining factor in whether or not your kid kills themselves, you are naive. If youre kids want to die, they will find a way, the human body is a fragile sack of meat. But please continue to water down everything your children are exposed to im sure that will turn out great.
I must agree with the author, if the show’s too graphic don’t watch it! if you’re too young. Although I’m 25 and now I’m desensitized to most things I was 12 when I watched “The Basketball Diaries” and 15 when I watched “Lord of The Flies” and I’m still not over the shock. There are things that a pre-teen or teenage mind can’t handle well. Ratings are there for a reason save yourself some trauma. Read the book instead.
I’m a bit surprised by the fact that your daughter in 6th grade has a phone and is texting her friends, but isn’t allowed to watch 13 Reasons Why.
With the things that go on in the world today, it is my opinion that children NEED cellphones in order for them to be able to get in touch with their parents or call 911. Even at school, because bad things happen at school too.
It is actual uncommon for a 6th grader to not have a cellphone. I hardly see the correlation. This show is incredibly graphic and regardless of maturity levels would not be appropriate for a 6th grader. I’m a 37 yr old counseling professional and I had a hard time watching some of the scenes.
Virginia- yes! I don’t see the correlation either.
Thank you for this article! Thank you for saying things that too often go unsaid. I have had this same arguement about some things that I don’t let my son read/watch even though his peers are. And on a side note, thank you for declaring yourself a YA junkie cause it helps me to own this quality in myself ha ha
I have to say that while I respect your opinion. I think you got it wrong. First of all you yourself said it was written for 17 and above and yet you were trying to watch it with a sixth grade. I am a very conservative mom that would never let my 16 year old daughter watch scenes like we’re depicted in 13 reasons why, however decided to watch the series with her and was glad I did. Yes, the rape scenes and suicide were very uncomfortable for both of us to watch. However, how does a girl who is raped feel? If watching it in a controlled environment and safety of her own home helps my daughter think twice about putting herself in a situation that it might happends to her, then I am glad for that.
I also thought they focused so much on Hannah so that kids in school who see things happening to others like happened to Hannah might actually speak up and help stop it. The point was – each of these kids could have done something that just might have stopped her from committing suicide… if seeing Hannah commit suicide graphically on TV, makes my daughter more sensitive to the pain of others, here again, it is worth it for her and myself to be uncomfortable for 13 hours of our life in our own home.
The question is not whether no one should watch it… the question is, is my child (your child) mature enough at this time to watch it? If and when they are, then this series shows real thing as REAL. And it can be a real teaching opportunity for those who are emotionally mature enough to deal with these grown up situations that are so often forced upon girls who actually go through it in life.
If you are not sure if your child should watch it. Watch it first, so you can make the best decision for you and your child.
I agree I have been in that situation and with that b n said I think that even as hard as it is to watch ur watching it and hopefully learning from it instead of having to go threw it. This should be a learning tool for kids to hopefully make them more aware of others. Patents should eat h with their child so they can explain and discuss these topics and at your discretion if u think the whole scene is too much skip threw after the point is conveyed.
Great review. I think people have gotten under the impression that people need to be “shown” what things are like in order to understand them. Sometimes when watching a soap opera with my grandma, she would say, “They don’t leave anything to the imagination anymore.” That was back in the 70s & 80s. I appreciate what you said about the limits of imagination, and I heartily agree. Thank you for this review.
This article gives parents a heads up as to the intensity of the content of the movie. Thank you.
While what we choose to expose our children/teens to is very much a matter of individual choice and parenting style, I think we should all remember that we do not NEED media to help us drive our point home. We are perfectly capable of discussing difficult subjects without relying on graphic scenes, be it books or movies. Ongoing, frank, direct conversations are far more valuable.
Mary, I agree. We don’t need books and movies to help us discuss these issues.
And I CAN’T IMAGINE how ANYBODY would think it’s a “teachable moment” to show a porn scene of GIRLS BEING RAPED!!! I’m beside myself…
With ALL DUE RESPECT, I’m curious, to hear the opinion of any women who have actually been raped. What are their thoughts on using this kind of teaching tool?
Tanya- did you actually watch the show? The rape scenes are MOST definitely not depicted as pornography.
Tanya,
The very fact you refer to those scenes as “porn” shows you don’t have a firm grasp on the show nor rape.
Having been threw this I think I is a very graphic scene but I think it is a teachable moment watching from ur home is a lot better than going threw it and teens can learn that a party can go very wrong very fast and I hope they learn that from this instead of life. And I hope that any child that bullies others not thinking they have any effect. With words can see words hurt and have a lot of influence rather than possibly being in a situation were the person they bullied actually does kill them aelves. This movies does have impact and us hard to watch. But would it b a lot harder if they had to live it? They would live with that the rest of their lives and it’s not something they would recover from.with that said I would rather my child watch theses things and learn than live them. Kids are going to want to go to parties weather u warn them of the dangers or not but if they see this they may b less likely to put themselves in the situation bc they see what can happen and feel from it.
Hi Jamie,
Thank you so much for your fantastic review. My 14 year old daughter and a friend had started watching this series and had only made it to episode 4. Without having read the books or watched the series, I had no idea what it contained. It seems everyone at school has been binge watching it and they wanted to see what the fuss was about. After chatting about what they’ve already seen, they both decided it was not for them. Hoping they hold to that, because they definitely will not be watching at our house. I truly appreciate your thorough review and honesty.
“13 Reasons Why did a poor job of understanding how much high school and middle school aged kids can handle”… I disagree with you in this… Netflix rated 13RW as MA!!!
There it is, the show is not intended for middle school students!!
“Mature Accompanied (MA15+) – Not suitable for people under 15. Under 15s must be accompanied by a parent or adult guardian. The content is strong in impact.”
See?? This is the rating, intended for high schoolers.
So, if you have a 14 year old like me, and you want her to see the movie, I think it is ok if she sees it with you (like we did), and having explanations and conversations after each chapter (like we did).
I agree. I plan on have conversations while going through each episode.
i disagree with your views on how they depicted the rapes and suicide. They intentionally made it graphic so it wouldn’t be a typical romanticized hollywood movie. This was to show the severity of these actions. To prove how terrible it is to really commit suicide on that way. All that gore is to prove how terrible these things are, and coming from a teen, i can tell you i needed to see this to truly understand how awful and how desperate a depressed person is to actually commit suicide. This should be a show teens and such watch with obvious parental or professional talking during, before and/or after.
Yes! I agree. I don’t think this show glamorized anything in any way. It was intense and sad all the way through. The sad thing is, so many people are saying don’t show this to teens. Hello! Teens are already going through a lot of this! The show depicts real life actions. We should shy away from it just because it’s difficult to watch.
I think it’s important to note that you may not see it as glamorization from an adult point of view, but a pre-teen or teenager may see it very differently. Their worlds are not always rooted in reality.
I just came across this article as I was talking with my good friend about whether or not to watch this with our boys – all middle-schoolers and all quite aware of suicide as sadly, we have lost several teen friends in the last year and also several friends who are parents of their friends. Very sad. Both my friend and I are extremely open with our kids. I just had to comment that it seems like there is some misunderstanding regarding what the author’s point and also the age at which it might be appropriate. Jamie stated that she has a middle schooler. Where I live, that’s 5th through 8th grade. My middle schooler is a 5th grader who has not gone through puberty. Very different from an 8th grader who has. But what I took from Jamie’s review is that the series sounds as if it is almost gratuitous in its depiction of the sad and horrific events. I have not seen or read the series, but understand what Jamie means. I read a couple of comments where people said that kids (or their kids) are desensitized to violence. If your child is, then maybe this series would be ok, I don’t know. My kid has seen some violent shows, mostly “stylized” violence, but I certainly would not say he’s desensitized to it. My thought for my own kid is that the message would be lost on him as the graphic violent nature of the series would take front stage and distract from the message. I’d like to find a less graphic version dealing with the same issues for my son. Of course, nothing takes the place of creating a relationship with your children where they know they can talk to you about anything. We started early with that at a friend’s recommendation, and I’m ever thankful. With the suicides of our loved ones I struggle to explain to my son the varied reasons why people do it. I just think it is important to find the right movie, book, whatever to match your child’s maturity level. I’m no prude, but the point is to bring deep awareness of a huge problem in our society.. So, I will continue to look for something suitable for my son while continuing the difficult conversations. I think everyone on here clearly cares for their kids. I can’t understand why it is necessary to judge what one parent decides is suitable for his/her child. All of our kids, our lives, our experiences are different, so it makes sense that one series will not be for everyone. I’m thankful for this review.
Are you a doctor? Or a psychologist? I watched it first, and then with my kids. They need to see it. It’s how we’ve taught our kids. And my kids know their lives have value. Maybe your daughter won’t watch, maybe she already has and you don’t know. But don’t act like you know exactly how each child will respond to this show. And thanks for the unwanted advice.
Ummmm . . . The title of the article clearly states her views. Why did you bother to read it if the advice is unwelcome? Did someone hold a gun to your head to read it? And, if so, you should probably be calling the cops, not complaining in the comments’ section of an article whose content you didn’t welcome.
Mary, i agree. I literally laughed at her comment.
lol it is rated tv MA for mature audiences only. It is not meant for your kids to watch
Doesn’t that surprise you though when it is based on a book written for teens?? And since some will have read it, or maybe saw it on the shelf of the teen section of their library in town or at school or at the local bookstore, they may be more inclined to want to watch it…
I disagree with this
Rape, suicide, bulling, are all very serious, very uncomfortable, its unbearable, and that are VERY real things. Had they glossed anything over it would have just been another lifetime movie and no one would have watched. Children and teenagers feel like what happens to them right now is life or death, regardless of what it is. Just because we as adults who have lived through it know there is light at the end of the tunnel, we cannot belittle what they are feeling. Stop telling them “its only high school, it won’t last forever” because that is not what they need to hear at the moment. All that girl needed was someone to lisen, and to actually hear what she was saying, then get her help. Remeber what it was like as a teenager, EVERYTHING had to happen right then or your world would end. This show is not only good for young teens, but it is really important for adults. We get so caught up in our daily work, that when we hear “I’m fine” we take it at face value. Or when we see a shift in them and we try to talk to them and their issues seem small to us we cover it up with “your only in high school, it can’t be that bad.” That shuts them out and so they go back to saying “I’m fine.” It may seem small to us, but to them its everything. With this show, if you feel like the graphic parts are to much fast forward, and you’ll know when they are coming, but if you have a teen right now, male, female, or transgender, I encourage you to watch this show with them, because it brings up topics that in today’s world we need to start talking about.
I actually couldn’t agree more.
We spend too much time wanting to shelter our kids. This kind of stuff is happening every day in our kids schools.
Do we prevent them from watching the news? Bc people are walking into schools an shooting children and yet we tell them to go there, it’s safe.
In my opinion, Ifyour relationship is good with your kids and you can talk through it, it’s actually beneficial to see this show.
My oldest is 12 and in 7th grade. My father in law died of suicide. We don’t lie and we don’t hide. She more than ever knows the finality of suicide and what being mean to other kids can do to them and you.
And the child abuse comment is laughable at most. ?
Bottom line if you have kids, you get to choose how to raise them, what to expose them to and how to educate them.
I meant to say couldn’t disagree more.
Jamie Harrington, I agree with you to a degree. I would NEVER have watched this if it hadn’t been for my husband who is a high school teacher who has several students that have been discussing this series. They are already watching it…..kids see and know more than what we think. We need more things in school about real life situations so that kids know how to handle themselves. I appreciate your perspective but every parent knows their own child and knows if they can handle this sensitive material. I hated the rape scenes however this probably happens more than anyone could ever imagine.I have 2 teens and a 21 year old. I have no idea if there are things they have never told me. I hope that this series contains information that will help people and not hurt them.
Anyone who exposes this to a child under 16 should be charged with child abuse. This is the kind of crap that pedophiles and ritual abusers show their victims to groom them and I’m not surprised some sick parents defend it as “educational.” Kids don’t need graphic content to get the message. There are more than enough studies to prove that being exposed to graphic content in the early years can alter their social and behavioural development. I guess some people just shouldn’t have kids- especially people with no morals.
are you kidding me right now??? how dare you say parents should be charged with child abuse! You do realize w hat world we live in right?? The only thing denial will get you is a raped teenager!! My daughter is almost 16 and she watched it and she is not emotionally scarred. I’m not sure where you get off judging people that you don’t even know and saying they shouldn’t be parents. I feel sorry for you and y our children (if you even have any) because you are in for a rude awakening!!! Trust me, I speak from experience.
Well said. I don’t know why parts of this had to be so graphic. But media constantly selects, sensationalism and hedonism over an opportunity to educate. Ratings/popularity prevail, actually the series presented an example of what we have lost in this society.
i am a middle school art teacher, and I try to be informed about what I see and hear. Things that are “trending.” So I watched the series. The review is really excellent. Not really for impressionable teenagers.
Hi, there. I think you are the one with the problem, to be honest. I talked to both of my kids- who are older – aged 18 and 21 and both think it is must see for teenagers. Especially boys – it really gave my son some interesting and previously un-thought about perspectives into how it must feel to be bullied and sexually harrassed as a teenaged girl. He feels like he is that guy, to some extent. My daughter, who has had some serious issues of her own along the way, agreed and thought it was a valuable show for kids to watch – with a trigger warning attached.
Wow. You really didn’t get it at all. I think this entire show should be mandatory for grade 7-8.
Your points 1-3 are entirely incorrect but I will slightly agree with you on point 4.
1. As I say below the graphic is necessary.
2. You’re obviously squeamish. After watching the episode, I rewinded to the scene and let myself cry. While pills may have conveyed the message it would not have been as powerful.
3. Duh. You knew from episode 1 that it was about suicide. How is it not going to be a build up? .I can’t even understand why you would bother to make that comment.
4. Here’s where you completely missed the mark. She was “glamorized” by the people who felt guilty and were trying to cover their own tracks. That was THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE MOVIE. I think you had too much of the book on the brain when watching this and it was a film adaptation.
That said.
I scrolled through the comments and a previous poster “Sarah” commented about how this wouldn’t affect rape and to do with power. I agree with her. However, this show also addresses early stages of how boys treat girls and maybe if we can stop the onset we can stop how men treat women.
You said you sat your daughter down to watch it knowing it would be serious. Yes, it was graphic. Graphic is the only thing that conveys. It is one thing to read “she was raped” as opposed to seeing a depiction. Maybe you don’t see the importance as a woman and a mother. But as a man I think it is important for teenage boys to watch this and see the deadness in her eyes during that scene. To see the horror and misery.
Take the hood of your head. Girls these days are giving blowjobs at 11-12.You are the one who can’t handle 13 Reasons Why
It never specifically said how she died in the book. It said it was RUMOURED to be pills. But any who. I read the book. Multiple times. And have debated whether or not to watch the show. Simply because I prefer reading. I have decided not to for now. I might in the future. However my close friend told me all about it. They did not sugar coat the rapes and the suicide. And so I applaud them for that. See. That’s the problem with the world today. Suicide, rape, bullying, it’s all sugar coated and I personally think that sugar coating that kind of stuff is worse for our kids than showing them the REAL aftermath of this kind of shit. And if you think that falsifying the aftermath of this kind of stuff is what is right, then you are part of the problem.