I have a lot of acquaintances, and that makes people think that I have a lot of friends. But, it isn’t that way at all. I kind of hide myself away from people. People see me briefly and I put everything I have into that little bit of time, then I switch it all off.
I don’t mean that I don’t have any friends, there are people and I know they care about me and I care about them. But some people have that one person that they could tell anything and everything to.
Some people even have a group of friends that they can confide in.
Me? I tell my dog. I don’t want to burden people with my life.
If I need to get out of the house, my dog goes with me. I remember when I was able to go out and do things before my illnesses got worse. It was fun, but I still felt pretty alone. Like I never really truly fit in because even back then I was faking being ok. I was able to hide it.
As my illnesses progressed, people started disappearing and the invites quit coming. I get it.
It’s hard being friends with someone that is chronically ill.
The invites quit coming because I would turn down most of them. I do that because I don’t want to be the kink in everyone’s good time.
Of course, people eventually just quit trying, which makes me feel like I was a crappy friend to them. I wasn’t trying to be, I just needed to be alone.
I know that getting out and about causes things to happen that may make it where I need to suddenly leave. You can’t really do that when you are out with others.
I used to love going to watch live music.
Now, live music is unbearable to me. The pain it causes is just not worth it, my husband is a musician and I usually don’t even go to his shows anymore because I can not physically handle it.
So my best friend is my dog. My ride or die.
She loves me even when I’m at my sickest that sits with me when I am mad, or sad. She watches me cry and tries to make me laugh.
My best friend is a dog and I’m ok with that.
I don’t have to hide my pain, I can vent my frustrations.
She isn’t embarrassed when I use my cane, my walker, or an electric scooter. I don’t have to fake who I am and that I am “fine”.
As I said above, I don’t say this to discredit anyone. I do have friends and I love them. But I would never burden them with the truth of my day-to-day. No one wants to hear all of that.
Argh, anyhow… I just wanted to put that out there in case there are others out there like that. Or am I just a weirdo? And to my friends, I’m so sorry I’m so flaky.