“You know Dasher, and Dancer, and Prancer, and Vixen…Comet, and Cupid, and Donner, and Blitzen…but do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?”
So let’s just take a moment and talk about this, the absolute worst of all the Christmas songs. First, I get that you may not agree with me. You might have a hate on for some other Christmas song altogether. I mean, what is a wassail, anyway? But for me? This one. Okay, maybe it’s a tie between this one and Baby, It’s Cold Outside, but for today, I’m going to tell you how Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer is the WORST Christmas song EVER!
Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer Is The WORST Christmas Song EVER!
First off, let’s look at that opening line. It tells us all the reindeer we know, but then asks if we recall the most famous one.
Um, if we remember all these second-rate, lowly other reindeer, shouldn’t we remember the most famous one? That’s like talking about the characters from the Harry Potter books, and then asking if we remember the most famous one: “You know Ginny, and Calvin, and Ernie, and Neville…but do you recall the most famous character of all…” Um, yeah, we do. The books are literally named after him. And this song is named after Rudolph. So, yeah, that’s a dumb line.
Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.
Then we’ve got where it talks about how Rudolph had a very shiny nose, and you might even say it glows.
Let’s just call him an alky, shall we? I mean, they aren’t saying he’s got an irridescent nose that’ll light up and guide Santa’s sleigh (at least, not yet)…they’re saying that for reasons no polite person wants to talk about…his nose is red and shiny and bulbous. Okay, I threw in the bulbous part. But, still. When you think about people with big, red, shiny noses…you think either clowns or those folks who like to listen to Piano Man whilst sitting at a bar and staring blankly into the distance.
And after the next part, I wouldn’t exactly blame Rudolph for drinking, but still…we don’t have to write a song about it!
So, apparently in the North Pole there’s no ‘zero tolerance’ policy against bullying. All of those other reindeer…the cut-rate ones from earlier…laughed at him. Called him names. Wouldn’t let him play with them.
Sure, maybe that’s character building for some, but seems to me that maybe Santa should ‘rein’ in his crew a bit. They’re kinda jerks.
Now, all of this has happened to our hero, right, and then one night it’s foggy out and Santa really needs that drinkin’ nose to help guide him through the night. So even though they’ve all been bullying him and not playing with him, calling him names, basically treating him like scum, they still want his help.
And Rudolph gives it! He’s a schmo! He just rolls over and lets Santa rub his belly without so much as a howdy do about how everyone’s been treating him. Personally, I’d like to see Rudolph tell Santa to shove it where the mistletoe don’t grow, but noooo…he just takes it.
Not only that, he’s got to be at the front of the crew. Know what happens at the front? All the wind shear. It’s bitterly cold, Rudolph’s nose is already a’glowin’ with all its might, and all those other reindeer are back there relaxing and enjoying those games, making Rudolph do all the work.
Sure, they praise him once it’s all over, tell him he’ll go down in history and all that.
Platitudes. That’s all that is.
I’m just saying, there are way better Christmas songs out there than this song about bully reindeer picking on their alcoholic brother while some fat guy makes them drag his ass all over creation on some frigid, foggy night.
Y’all can suck it. I want to hear more about that kid who wants a hippopotamus for Christmas…he seems like a winner.