The Time I Bought My Husband A Grill For Our Anniversary During Lockdown

Friday was my 21st wedding anniversary. My spouse is an essential worker. So I am the one on the front lines at home.

He has been dropping subtle hints like bombs about getting a new grill but since we are only supposed to shop for essentials he has not gotten one. If a grill means he can help out by making dinner here and there, that is essential by every definition of the word.

With every good surprise gift comes a tiny bit of lying and hiding. I get my gloves, sanitizer, sanitizer wipe, and mask ready. I don’t care if I need a freaking hazmat suit to go for curbside pickup. I am getting this grill.

Pull up to Home Depot and there is a line out the door like they are giving away toilet paper. The sidewalk looks like a game of Candy Land with the squares I have to stand in. Social distancing.

Finally I get to a cashier who I am pretty sure isn’t old enough to even drive yet and she is smacking gum “uhhhh can I help you?” No. I just wanted to play make shift hop scotch on the sidewalk for an hour while wearing this oh so comfortable mask breathing in my onion breath from lunch. Yes you can help me.

I gave her my confirmation screen and apparently someone typed that in wrong because it is to Kevin’s order. I politely told her I don’t even know a Kevin and his $20 of screws is not order.

I am here for the biggest grand daddy of grills so my husband can cook the main dish and the side dish for me and the offspring. It even has LED lights so he can be out there in the dark.

“Are you sure you don’t know Kevin?” What? She isn’t even being sarcastic. She honestly thinks I have forgotten someone named Kevin that I would order stuff for from Home Depot.

She finally gets help. Now I specifically did not pay for assembly because I knew it wouldn’t fit in the van. But here it came rolling down the aisle in all its glory. Fully Assembled.

The van back gate is up. Back row of seats down flat. The middle seats are holding my groceries and the full bottle of propane I picked up. Groceries was my cover story for needing out of the house. So I had to pick something up.

Two guys come out and try to shove this thing in my van. If the van had a voice it would of been screaming for an adult. It looked violated.

They decide I would have to drive home with the back gate tied down. It is so wedged in there that they cannot get the heavy plastic off of it that it was wrapped in. But have no fear they were going to tie it down for me, with the world’s thickest dental floss.

But I got a cool flag for my back wiper that said caution.

I am driving towards home so slow I am not even sure if i pressed on the gas pedal. Remember that heavy plastic? Well I didn’t give it a second thought until the wind kicked up. Filling the entire thick plastic. Looking in my rear view mirror I could only picture the dental floss tearing and my grill parachuting across the east side of town.

Then I heard it. A pissed off bumble bee. That is what I call the small cars that have these pipes on bigger than needed. The exhaust is bright and shiny. Speakers louder my home system. And about four rolls of duct tape holding it all together.

The car is riding my tail. This grill lets loose and that car is a goner. I pull over and waive it on. I do not have time for the paperwork that the insurance claim would need today.