Four, Er, Three Trends That Need To Die

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I don’t know about you, but I think trends are awesome. If it wasn’t for trends, how would be know what to like and how to feel about things? Trends gave us hip-hop, teen comedies, women’s suits with giant shoulder pads…okay, I’m just listing off everything from the ‘80’s (historically known as The Best Decade). Like most kids, I fondly remember my love of hula-hoops and fax machines. However, trends have a shelf life. One trend has to end to make way for something new. For every bell-bottom there must be a powder blue tuxedo. For every Zima there must be people who stop drinking Zima. So I wrote up a list of four trends that need to die, but my daughter has volleyball practice in an hour, so here are three trends that need to die.

Four, Er, Three Trends That Need To Die

You’re Not That Busy

Remember when you were a kid and your mom went to everything you did? My mom chaperoned all my school field trips and that was awesome because she also had a pocketbook which meant I had an endless stream of cheap, gift shop model dinosaurs and even cheaper, gift shop astronaut ice cream. Our school events were lousy with parents. Good luck nowadays. You can’t pry my fellow parents away from Netflix long enough to raise a child. I can understand the logic: if I’m spending time watching little Rudiger, who’s going to watch 13 Reasons Why? The struggle is real, folks. I chaperoned my daughters field trip this week and by mid-day we had already lost about five parents. Yes, I know people have to work. But when you start a field trip with twenty parents watching two or three kids apiece and five hours later you’ve got forty kids being herded by eight frazzled, out-of-shape parents, when you’re done laughing at us, you’ll realize how frustrating that might be. Just pick an event and they’ll pick an excuse why they’re too busy to help. Autism awareness event? Sorry, I’ve got to feather my eyebrows. Feeding the homeless? Ooo, sorry, little Rudiger had a soccer game six hours ago. It’s got to be a full time job lying about how busy they are.

Slow Covers Of Famous Pop Songs

Go to YouTube and click on any random movie trailer and this trend will be shoved in your face like concussion denial during an NFL game. You will find a striped down, often sultry, cover of a once rocking tune. For example, watch the Pride and Prejudice and Zombies trailer. What’s that weird song that plays in and out between clips? That’s Steppenwolf’s “Born to Be Wild.” Jane Austin and Steppenwolf, two great things that go together like peanut butter and nachos. At first, this trend was focused on hard rocking jams, but we’ve used them all up. Now we’re stuck with actual slow songs. My breaking point was the heavy metal band, Disturbed, cover Simon and Garfunkel’s The Sound Of Silence. Let me repeat that: a heavy metal band named Disturbed covered Simon and Garfunkel. And if you recall, this entry is about slowed down cover songs, so that means Disturbed actually recorded a slower version of The Sound of Silence. Why do this? It’s like trying to make water more wet.

Sea Salt Caramel

I can’t be the only one who’s sick of this. Back in December, my wife was given a huge box of sea salt caramel chews. Sounds like it might be good until you taste it. Take a spoon full of salt, throw on a dash of sugar, same thing. Then, last month, my wife started a new job and she was given a gift basket including a bag of sea salt caramel truffles. Are you freaking kidding? I know that salt is a flavor enhancer, but I don’t know when salt became an actual flavor. Two months later and that bag is still on the kitchen table. Our kids won’t even eat it. The bag is just sitting there. It can sit there forever, it’s salt, it will outlive us all. We all see it but nobody wants talks about it. It’s like when you watch a scary movie and you wonder how the family can possibly live in a house they know is haunted. Well, I have the answer. They just ignore the obvious problem and push forward pretending everything is all right. And it works, that’s how my parents stayed married for thirty-one years.

America, I’m sorry for the complaining, but forty is creeping closer and closer and like a werewolf during a full moon, I can feel the need to bitch being drawn out of me. I can’t take it anymore! I’m going to sit right here and complain about it because my wife took our kids to help at the homeless shelter today and I told her I couldn’t. I’m just too busy writing.

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