I have a daughter and she’s perfect. She does all the right things. She is obedient. She is mindful and kind. She plays nicely with friends. My son, on the other hand, is a stinky whirlwind of destruction. He’s a great kid but he does stupid things. His friends do stupid things. Boys are a …
Over the last few weeks I’ve become a mostly stay-at-home-dad. I’ve been working two, maybe three days a week while my wife is crushing it in her new, fancy accounting job. When my better half and I switched roles, I knew I’d keep busy. I’ve got rooms to clean, and endless stream of laundry to …
Excuse me a second while I take some medicine and blow my nose. I don’t know where you live, but it’s cold season here. It’s that season where you pile on some warm, comfy pajamas and curl up on the couch. Season 3 of Gilmore Girls isn’t going to watch itself. Maybe take an hour-long …
Raising a child is a darn frightening experience. Moms, have you even seen what those things look like coming out? Of course you haven’t. You’re up there enjoying your drugs and…I don’t know…iced coffee? I might be misremembering my children’s birth. I was really lightheaded during the first go-around. I don’t remember much but I …
Any true craftsman will say, “Measure twice, cut once.” But if you’re like me it’s more like, “Close your eyes and hope you don’t lose a thumb.” It’s Halloween, and if you’re an environmentally friendly hippy with time on your hands between protests or if you’re a broke guy with an underwhelming job, this post …
If you’re a stay-at-home mom, I’m probably not going to tell you anything new, but being a stay-at-home mom can suck. Don’t get wrong, tending to home and family is rewarding both emotionally and spiritually. Plus, you get to binge watch GLOW while you Pledge the china cabinet. But there is a lot more that …
I was thinking about Milo Yiannopoulos the other day. If you don’t know who Milo is, that’s okay. It’s not important. But what you should know, at least in regards to this post, is that he’s young, handsome, and fabulously super-gaybones. I began to wonder about Milo’s parents. Did they know he was gay? Were …
When I was a kid, my dad scared me like nothing else. Grown-ups might as well have been gods for all the unquestionable authority they held. Parents, teachers, cops, pastors, random strangers at the grocery store who felt it was okay to pat me on the head because I was so damn cute. Grown-ups looked …
Sexy. Virile. Bold. Your husband can be all these things and more. This summer, while other men are wearing yucky, rugged jeans to work on their trucks, or sporting a boring, creased pair of tailored shorts around the grill, your beau can pick some fabulous chardonnay for your next book club in a Romphim. That’s …
Happy Mother’s Day, everyone! I want to wish a wonderful day to all the moms out there either through biology, or adoption, or if you’re a step-mom, or even if you’ve got a deadbeat sibling who has run off to Nevada to “find themselves” and left you a niece and a half empty bag of …
My daughter is an incredible kid. You’ll find more 1st place trophies in her room than measles outbreaks in Minnesota. She loves to camp and she plays with animals. Yesterday, she came home with a cup full of worms that she had dug up from a friend’s backyard. Why? I don’t know. She’s complicated. My …
I don’t know about you, but I think trends are awesome. If it wasn’t for trends, how would be know what to like and how to feel about things? Trends gave us hip-hop, teen comedies, women’s suits with giant shoulder pads…okay, I’m just listing off everything from the ‘80’s (historically known as The Best Decade). …
We all have that friend who can’t cook even a simple meal. None of us are perfect, we all fall short. Heck, I don’t know how to ride a bike. But guess what? I don’t need to know how to ride a bike because I have a car. But if you’re on a camping trip …
Quick! Picture someone with autism! I’ve got a whole dollar that says you pictured a cherub faced, 10 year old white kid with blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes. It’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with you. I picture a cherub faced 10 year old white kid with blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes, too. I’m …
“He ran head-first through a crowded parking lot. Terrible Twos? Am I right?” “It’s okay if he had a meltdown during his baseball game and had to be drug off the field. Boys will be boys.” “So he spent all day at school hiding under his desk, hands cupped over his ears, screaming at the …
The other day January Jones did an interview in Red where she talked about being a single mom. I wouldn’t normally have given this piece a second thought. Most of these stories are just propaganda meant to make 40-year-old career women feel good about the terrible choice they made in having a career over a …
A friend of mine sent me a link about how creepy an author found Daddy-Daughter Dances and Daddy-Daughter Date Nights. The author wrote that the whole concept was weird and patriarchal and all those buzzwords insufferable people like to throw around. This piece really jammed me up because that very next night was our Daddy …
You can’t step outside without cringing at the desperate weeping in the streets. I look around and all I see are a bunch of children who can’t believe they’ve lost. They can’t believe the rules were not in their favor. How dare someone beat them at their own game! These kids haven’t learned to be …
America, we’ve got a big problem. I know I say that a lot, but this time the problem actually affects me. We’ve got a dirty clothes epidemic. This week I became a semi-stay-at-home-dad. I’m adjusting to a world of play-dates and lunchboxes and laundry, and I’ve got to tell you…I’m not washing this fecking laundry …
Dear White People, this last year was pretty rough, but I hope that we can duck our heads and briskly walk away like we do every time homeless people ask us for loose change. I was ready to approach these next few months with an abundance of post-WWII level optimism until MTV released a terribly …
Remember when gender used to be simple? If you were a boy, you hated girls. If you were a girl, you hated boys. Our kids will never know the simplicity of living in a world where it was totally okay to hate someone different than you. Over the last couple of years I’ve had to …
You might not know this, but blogs aren’t always written in order. You might get a kick butt Arbor Day blog idea, but Bastille Day is just around the corner. What are you suppose to do? Post one holiday’s blog the same time as another? That would be stupid. Plus, I hate how Big Arbor …
The Holidays are here and it’s a great time of the year. I love the music and lights. I love shopping. I love the food. I love the food way too much. And, like everyone else, I love spending the holidays with my family. Oh, wait, I’m sorry. Stupid me. Not everyone else gets to …
Well, the election is finally over and while America is still snuffing out the flames from the riotous dumpster fires in our major U.S. cities, maybe we can finally get back to that nagging list of blocking friends and loved ones who voted differently than us. There’s been a lot of judgment slung back and …
All right, guys. I’ve gotten onto you before, but you’re still screwing it up. You know how I know? Because I have to read about it all over Facebook and magazines. I have to see it on the streets. I have to hear about it in line at Starbucks. I have to smell it…I don’t …
Not long ago my wife raised my awareness to the depressing world of Mommy Wars. Mommy Wars are the eternal battles of bored women trying to be the best at wrecking their kids’ future. Is that bread gluten free? Why don’t you volunteer more for the PTA? What does it matter if your kid sleeps …
Halloween is almost here. Kids are anticipating the coming sugar binge. Devil worshiping teenagers are stocking up on black cats. The inflatable décor industry, or Big Tacky, is getting a huge economic boost. Scary movies are on TV. And Christians have something else for a month to complain about. You may ask, “But Nik, you …
Everybody lies to you when you’re a kid. Doesn’t matter if it’s “Santa Claus is coming” or “this medicine tastes good”, or even “you can be whatever you want when you grow up”. It’s all a manipulative pile of deceit. And you would think that when you grow up the lies would stop. You know …
Recent polls have suggested that at least one baby is born every day, so if you are a brand new parent, keep on reading, this is for you. If you are already a parent then I also want you to keep reading, I need the hits. Most of you good folks are bringing home a …
Today is Denver Go Topless Day, or Denver Millennials Have No Real Problems So They Make Up Their Own Day. I agree that Denver could have made a shorter name but what Denver does is none of my business. Go, Broncos! The idea behind the demonstration is that men get to waltz around without shirts, …
I’ve written before about how easy it is to be a wonderful dad. To be a wonderful dad, all you have to do is just be there. I’m great at just being there. My kids love me. I’m also a great husband. I buy my wife Ben & Jerry’s when she’s had a long day. …
Over the summer, my family took a road trip. Seven hours of confinement with three other people who would rather be anywhere else. It’s a lot like prison, except you have to pay for your own meals and in prison it’s generally expected that someone will get shanked. Society tends to frown on fathers stabbing …
Ladies, you know I’ve raked our men-folk over the coals in a blog or two. I guess you all liked that because it gets shared a bazillion times. Right now a wife in China is reading my posts and thinking…well, I don’t know what she’s thinking because I don’t speak Mandarin. But you’re not perfect, …
You know what Pokemon Go is, right? Of course, you do. You have a phone and a pulse. We at Totally The Bomb happen to be fond this game like a crackhead happens to be fond of crack. It’s my estimation that in twenty years Meowths will replace the cat as the preferred “Crazy Lady” …
It’s no secret that most women don’t like each other. Scientist have known for well over a year that hair pulling releases hormones vital to the process of “keeping it real”. It’s not a surprise to me when I see mothers on the internet being more judgmental than a preacher’s wife over whatever parenting topic …
Like a lot of families, my dad was the “bread-winner”. He worked days, nights, weekends, holidays. The guy nearly killed himself because of all the stress he was under. Literally. When I was seven, my dad tried to shoot himself in the living room of our small rent house. Oh, those carefree summer days of …
I’ve got to say, men, we’ve really let ourselves go. We’re like that significant other who kept it tight for the first year then tossed it away in a slippery slope of Fiddle Faddle and Orange Is The New Black binge watching. I don’t like what we’re becoming: a pack of callow, feckless man-babies. I …
My daughter is packing for her very first summer camp. She’s 7 years old and has absolutely no use for her mother or me anymore. In fact, if she could reach the freezer door and get her own Popsicles, she might have killed us in our sleep long ago, as is our family’s Sith Lord …
It’s easy to be a good dad. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. All you have to do is show up. 90% of being a good dad is just being around when stuff happens. I was a stay-at-home dad for 2 years after I lost my job. I had a newborn and a 2 year …
If you are a strong-willed, articulate parent like I am, you’ll no doubt agree that cowardice is for dummy-stupidheads. Don’t get me wrong, if you’re afraid to jab a stick into a rabid dog in the eye there’s nothing wrong with you, you’re smart. In fact, congratulations because you’re smarter than I am. But we …