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Your Dog Doesn’t Count On Mother’s Day And Other Truths

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Happy Mother’s Day, everyone! I want to wish a wonderful day to all the moms out there either through biology, or adoption, or if you’re a step-mom, or even if you’ve got a deadbeat sibling who has run off to Nevada to “find themselves” and left you a niece and a half empty bag of diapers. But, if that last one is you, congratulations, because you’re also a mid-90’s TV sitcom.

But on this blessed Mother’s Day, if you’re over twenty-seven and you’ve chosen not to have kids: I’m sorry, but you’re making a horrible mistake. I know you’ve got your reasons, and there are many. Just to be honest, they’re all terrible reasons, and will only lead to an empty life and a lonely death. Also, your dog does not count. Sorry, Mother’s Day is not celebrated by dogs.

Your Dog Doesn’t Count On Mother’s Day And Other Truths

A lot of it has to do with the fact, at least most of the childless women I know, are unmarried. Having a kid before you get married is just dumb. It’s bad for the child. It’s bad for you. It’s bad for our society. Let’s kick that idea right to the curb. So why are they not getting married? My wife used to work with this woman. She’s in her mid-30’s, been with the same guy for over a decade, and he won’t commit. She wants to, but he doesn’t. Ladies, put a ring on it. Stop giving the milk away for free. And if he won’t marry, especially after ten years, he’s a piece of crap and you can do much better. Because here’s the future: men generally age better than women, so when you hit forty, he’s gone. These men are like parasites. They suck up your time, they waste your ovaries until age has left them a barren wasteland, then these guys split for a younger piece. Now here you are, a decade later, too old to safely have kids, and you’re alone because you didn’t value yourself more.

If you are a woman, you are a treasure.

You literally create life. You’re magic.

Also, your dog is not your kid. Sorry, crazy pet ladies, Mother’s Day is not for you. I’ve got this friend, and if she reads my work she’s going to kill me for calling her out like this, but she’s a total catch. She’s easy on the eyes. She’s intelligent. She’s fun to hang around. I come home from work one evening and she’s scrapbooking with my wife. She points to the kitchen and she goes, “I’ve got a treat for you in the freezer.” I open the freezer and there’s a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream! I jokingly asked, “What? No beer?” And there was beer in the fridge! I’m standing in the kitchen, racking my brain, and I can’t believe that she’s not married. She’s in her thirties now and last Christmas she sent us a card with just her and her three dogs. It’s the saddest goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. And she’s not happy about this life choice, either. She’s just resigned to it. It’s like she’s been gently easing into a coma since she was twenty-one.

And if you’re excuse for not starting a family is your career, you think way too highly of yourself. Unless your work is for the CIA decoding ISIS intel or you’re developing water purification systems, your career isn’t important. What are you? A regional manager for Gamestop? A photographer? At some point you’re going to lose that job. This isn’t the 1960’s where you stayed at the same company for fifty years and retired with a full pension. The moment you become disposable, your butt is on the street. It happened to me. So what did I do? I raised my kids. My job may change, but I will always be a dad. Filling the world with good people is infinitely more rewarding than drawing steel buildings ten hours a day.

Instead of dismissing Mother’s Day as just another invention of the greeting card industry, take a look at the bigger picture. Maybe you could think about why we set aside a whole day, and a Sunday no less, the only day off for a lot of us, to focus exclusively on the appreciation of our mothers, what they mean to us, and how they have shaped our lives. Stop living for Friday. Stop worrying about when that big project is due. None of that junk is important. Go visit a church, go volunteer somewhere, and meet a nice guy. And not necessarily a good looking guy, I said nice guy. We’re moving on in our age and Dr. McDreamy got married five years ago. And let’s face it, Dr. McDreamy was a 9 and at this point you’re probably a 7. Eat some humble pie and go on a date with that guy with the receding hairline, I hear he loves his mom and has a good sense of humor.

Editor’s Note: We love different opinions, even when they’re mostly wrong. Dog moms ARE moms. Single mom by choice is TOTALLY okay. And If you disagree with Nik we think you should tell him all about it in the comments.

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  1. I don’t know if I have ever read a worse article in my entire life. This is truly too many words. You could have simply wrote, “I am stuck in 1920”, and we would have gotten the same message. I feel so bad for your wife.

  2. This is a lot of words for “I hate women who made a choice to not have children and I am jealous of the freedom and agency that they have and that I don’t.” Seriously bro. Your misogyny is really showing.

  3. Lol even your editor thinks you’re wrong. Pick a new hobby. Writing ain’t it.

  4. How disappointing and misogynistic. There is nothing new here, just some guy who thinks it’s okay to tell women how to live and judge their choices. What about women who can’t have kids? I want to slap this idiot for using the word “barren”. Furthermore, his kids will grow up to have misogynistic ideas about relationships. Nothing wrong with any choice we women make, so long as we are happy. Cheers to all the women out there who chose to have dogs in their lives!

  5. Sorry, men don’t get to lecture people on what makes a mother

  6. You are a terrible person and writer for saying the things you have said. Shame on you.

  7. Nik Is A Piece of Trash and I wrote this comment just to say that. says:

    Sounds like you’re raising some well adjusted and emotionally healthy kids there with all that baggage you’re carrying around.

    Not every woman exists just to procreate, get that notion right out of your head now and work on not being such a misogynistic piece of trash

  8. This article is proof that having children is not for everyone.

    1. @Daniel Farris, this article just reinforces my pro choice position

  9. What a rubbish article. A person’s choice regarding what path to take is their business. I’m 38 with no children and I couldn’t be happier. I’m financially secure, I have a rewarding job, a great home, all the freedom I could want, the ability to just pick up and go where and when I want to, and all the love from my friends and family. I don’t need children to validate my existence. And yes, my pets are like my children. Either stop judging or die mad about it.

  10. That was a lot of words for “I am misogynistic, I regret all of my life’s decisions, and I am jealous that other people have chosen a different life path.”

  11. I hate this shallow, sad opinion piece. You’re obviously insecure with your life choices if you feel the need to project them into others. I feel sorry for your wife with this “my way or the highway” attitude… and your kids won’t become good people if this is what you teach them. Not to mention the misogyny. ??‍♀️

  12. You shouldn’t judge a woman by having kids or no kids. How do you know for sure that any woman chooses to purposely not have children. Or for that matter have medical issues that prevent them from having children. Also certain body types also have other issues like having the pelvic area and the pelvic bone tilt in 2 different directions. That right there is harmful for a child birth. So dont judge a damn book by its cover! I happen to be a very good cat mommy.

    1. @Nicole Mull, you tell him, sista!
      I chose not to marry…it wasn’t for me. I prefer animals to live children
      This guy needs to “get a clue.”

  13. Happy Mother’s Day to all the dog moms!!!! You’re extremely smart and responsible to have chosen a dog over children if you don’t believe you could give a child the life they deserve quite yet!! 🙂

  14. That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever read. Hope your wife can give you a hug after you get done banging your friend.

  15. ??? I can’t believe you would say such things. Why? Who gives you the right to judge? Do you know some people can’t have children for numerous health reasons and adoption isn’t always the answer. For me personally I had to make the decision NOT to have children. Why? They couldn’t tell me what affect it would have on the baby or me. After many talks with my Momma and some others and talks with God. I knew what my decision had to be but it was the hardest heartbreaking decision I’ve made. So don’t tell me I can’t be Mommy to my cats and dog because to them that’s who I am! The toys they have would rival any toddler. So I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree on this subject. I think now I’ll go get ready for bed, get night snuggles, move the toys that stay on my bed, turn the tv on for them to settle down, and squeeze in between them and their Daddy because part of or all of them will sleep in our bed. But like you said we can’t be there parents! ???

  16. If I were the friend you mentioned, I would bring my three dogs to your house, let them crap on your doorstep, and never visit you again. You are a dirtbag to the nth degree!!!

  17. What a freaking JERK. Who are you to judge people? How do you know what happens in a person’s life? You need to get out of your parent’s basement and become an adult. I dare you to say this to a lady that couldn’t have babies.

  18. At least this guy admits he’s such a loser that his only accomplishment is having kids, which 14 year olds can do.

  19. This guy is obviously extremely insecure about his looks and still butt hurt that the hot cheerleaders in high school ignored him. Stop projecting your issues on women dude! I pray you don’t have daughters you plan on screwing up with those gross female stereotypes you’re so lost in.

  20. What a douchebag!!! I wrote a lot more here but realized no words could express my anger toward this “man”. So I will leave it at this

  21. I would not be interested in anything this arrogant. Person has to say or wrote after reading this blog. Who do you think you are to decide who can call themselves mother and who cannot? You say when you lost your job you decided to just raise your kids who supported them financially? Not interested in your ignorant opinion. (And yes I have children)

  22. All I can say is this guy is a worthless sloband shouldn’t have spawned? What a pile of shit