Happy Mother’s Day, everyone! I want to wish a wonderful day to all the moms out there either through biology, or adoption, or if you’re a step-mom, or even if you’ve got a deadbeat sibling who has run off to Nevada to “find themselves” and left you a niece and a half empty bag of diapers. But, if that last one is you, congratulations, because you’re also a mid-90’s TV sitcom.
But on this blessed Mother’s Day, if you’re over twenty-seven and you’ve chosen not to have kids: I’m sorry, but you’re making a horrible mistake. I know you’ve got your reasons, and there are many. Just to be honest, they’re all terrible reasons, and will only lead to an empty life and a lonely death. Also, your dog does not count. Sorry, Mother’s Day is not celebrated by dogs.
Your Dog Doesn’t Count On Mother’s Day And Other Truths
A lot of it has to do with the fact, at least most of the childless women I know, are unmarried. Having a kid before you get married is just dumb. It’s bad for the child. It’s bad for you. It’s bad for our society. Let’s kick that idea right to the curb. So why are they not getting married? My wife used to work with this woman. She’s in her mid-30’s, been with the same guy for over a decade, and he won’t commit. She wants to, but he doesn’t. Ladies, put a ring on it. Stop giving the milk away for free. And if he won’t marry, especially after ten years, he’s a piece of shit and you can do much better. Because here’s the future: men generally age better than women, so when you hit forty, he’s gone. These men are like parasites. They suck up your time, they waste your ovaries until age has left them a barren wasteland, then these guys split for a younger piece. Now here you are, a decade later, too old to safely have kids, and you’re alone because you didn’t value yourself more.
If you are a woman, you are a treasure.
You literally create life. You’re magic.
Also, your dog is not your kid. Sorry, crazy pet ladies, Mother’s Day is not for you. I’ve got this friend, and if she reads my work she’s going to kill me for calling her out like this, but she’s a total catch. She’s easy on the eyes. She’s intelligent. She’s fun to hang around. I come home from work one evening and she’s scrapbooking with my wife. She points to the kitchen and she goes, “I’ve got a treat for you in the freezer.” I open the freezer and there’s a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream! I jokingly asked, “What? No beer?” And there was beer in the fridge! I’m standing in the kitchen, racking my brain, and I can’t believe that she’s not married. She’s in her thirties now and last Christmas she sent us a card with just her and her three dogs. It’s the saddest goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. And she’s not happy about this life choice, either. She’s just resigned to it. It’s like she’s been gently easing into a coma since she was twenty-one.
And if you’re excuse for not starting a family is your career, you think way too highly of yourself. Unless your work is for the CIA decoding ISIS intel or you’re developing water purification systems, your career isn’t important. What are you? A regional manager for Gamestop? A photographer? At some point you’re going to lose that job. This isn’t the 1960’s where you stayed at the same company for fifty years and retired with a full pension. The moment you become disposable, your butt is on the street. It happened to me. So what did I do? I raised my kids. My job may change, but I will always be a dad. Filling the world with good people is infinitely more rewarding than drawing steel buildings ten hours a day.
Instead of dismissing Mother’s Day as just another invention of the greeting card industry, take a look at the bigger picture. Maybe you could think about why we set aside a whole day, and a Sunday no less, the only day off for a lot of us, to focus exclusively on the appreciation of our mothers, what they mean to us, and how they have shaped our lives. Stop living for Friday. Stop worrying about when that big project is due. None of that junk is important. Go visit a church, go volunteer somewhere, and meet a nice guy. And not necessarily a good looking guy, I said nice guy. We’re moving on in our age and Dr. McDreamy got married five years ago. And let’s face it, Dr. McDreamy was a 9 and at this point you’re probably a 7. Eat some humble pie and go on a date with that guy with the receding hairline, I hear he loves his mom and has a good sense of humor.