I Have A Crappy Dad – But I’m Okay!
I used to be someone who hated the idea of getting married. I have been through too many divorces (my own and those of my parents) to feel like marriage was something I ever wanted to be a part of again. My experience with marriages and other serious relationships had me feeling like I needed to be able to cut ties and get out of a bad situation at a moments notice. I’m not the sort of girl who has trouble cutting losses and letting go.
I guess I have my dad to thank for that. But you know what? It’s okay. Because even though I have a crappy dad…I’m okay!
It sounds cold. I’ve been told more than once that I am a bit of an ice queen. Maybe I’m just naturally like that, or maybe it’s because waiting for hours in the Montana snow for your dad to pick you and your little sister up after school freezes your heart a little bit. I used to usher my sister underneath some pine trees when the teachers would lock up the school so they wouldn’t see us waiting three hours after school for our dad to pick us up AGAIN. This went on until we moved across the country when I was a teenager.
Which is a good thing, because nine times out of ten he never showed up. Move over, Elsa.
Do you know what happened when he didn’t show up? I would hike up my little snow pants and haul my little sister home on foot, promising snacks and when that didn’t work, bullying her into walking through the cold. We would show up banging on the door until my mom answered. I would stand there and watch the realization come over her face changing from shock to anger. An experience I only understand the full gravity of now that I am a mother myself.
My mom is a champion. She worked her butt off and showed me what it takes to push yourself when you haven’t got any fight left. I watched her claw her way out of every bad scenario we went through, carrying us with her. She wasn’t perfect, but I’m proud of the woman I am today and I have her to thank for that.
I could go on and on about how often my dad slept all day and forgot about picking us up on the few times a year he would actually plan to see us. I could rehash a million memories of all the shitty things he did (that I’m sure he has a million excuses for) but I won’t. I feel like there are enough women (and men) who know how it feels to be let down repeatedly by a parent.
I want to talk about that rootless feeling every kid with no support has, that they never realize isn’t normal until something (or someone) solid grabs your hand and pulls you in to what real love is supposed to feel like. I want to talk about how hard it is to reverse the damage that is done to your soul when someone who is supposed to care about you more than anything in the world, doesn’t. I want to talk about how they expect you to follow rules, and get good grades, and share your things, but they can never put you first. I want to talk about how every time they tell you they love you, you hear an unspoken “but I love myself more.”
Last year my boyfriend’s dad, my kids’ grandfather, James, got sick right around the same time my sister went on a trip to see my Dad. We thought it was a heart attack. Every hour was gut-wrenching. My boyfriend’s family is my family. His mom and I go shopping together whenever we can. His dad and I laugh at the same inappropriate jokes. It’s easy to love them for the same reasons it’s easy to love their son. I cherish the bond I have with them the same way I cherish the one I have with my mom.
I was sitting there with my sister waiting to hear news of how James is doing. She was waiting with me (even though she was supposed to be packing for her trip up to see my dad) when an anger I haven’t felt in years just flooded over me. When did my dad’s excuses start working on me again? How is it fair that my single-mom sister was spending the last little bit of money she had to fly up to see my dad when it would be just as easy and less expensive for him to come here? How was it fair that James, who calls me just to chat on his way home from work, who drops everything to help us when we need it, is in the hospital, when my own dad can’t be bothered to dial a few numbers to call his kids, let alone make time to see them?
I decided then and there that I was going to take a page from the book of my eight-year-old self and not keep forgiving my dad, that I wasn’t going to keep putting in effort he wasn’t putting in. That I’m not going to let myself be heartbroken anymore. Because when your boyfriend’s dad finds the time to call you and tell you that he loves you from a hospital bed, no excuse will ever be good enough.
When every man your Mom was with after she divorced him as made a place for you in their lives and hearts. No excuse is good enough.
So this is for the women (and men) who don’t have dads.
You need to understand that their failures are their failures, not yours. You need to understand that it’s okay to say “No, I can’t forgive you when you won’t change.” You need to know that having a dad is great, but you’ll be just fine if you can’t rely on the one you have. It’s okay to disassociate yourself from someone who only causes you heartache. It’s okay to put yourself first.
It’s okay to not want to get married when you’ve seen so much turmoil come from it. It’s okay to change your mind when you finally realize that you would love nothing more than to have the same last name as the man you love, and the amazing people who raised him.
It’s okay to tell your boyfriend to ask your mom’s permission to propose.
And you can be damn sure it’s okay to ask your mom to walk you down the aisle.
Because you know what? My dad might be crappy but I have SO many other people in my life who love me no matter what. And even if I recognize now that I can’t depend on my birth father, I am so Very grateful for the other men in my life whom I know I can depend on – no matter what.
This is just my story and my feelings. I know some people who have crappy moms, or no parents at all. If you feel comfortable, leave me a comment down below and share how you cope.
This so sounds like what my current husband has done to our son who has just turned 18 yrs.old.He makes promises he doesn’t keep, chooses others and partying over our son, in fact had our son removed from us by CPS all because he wouldnt step up to the plate and be a dad -instead pointing the finger at me and relating all my shortcomings as a mom. At least I was in there attempting to do it and raising our son while he was out screwing off. I blame myself for not choosing to leave a long time ago but i thought it would be better for our son to have both parents and from previous experience know that when it was left up to him , there wasnt a relationship with our son . I thought he would change and WANT to be a dad 24/7 -not just when he felt like it or convenient for him. My son has missed out on so many things but knows that he can count on me . I have pushed him to finish school when it didnt look like he was going to,been there for him during court and juvenile hall, and just refused to give up on him. He has earned all his credits and is graduating on June 2,2016…..fulfilling all his probation requirements , staying out of trouble and changing his negative behaviors…..all despite no support from his father. I wish I’d chosen a better father for my child and a better role-model and I thought love was enough to make us into the happy family-it wasnt. If someone doesnt want to be a parent there isnt anything anyone can do to change them into that parent…..move on and dont waste your time on them. Keep loving your child enough for both parents.
I decided to dump my dad the day he let my daughter down on her birthday. He did it to me for 37 years there aint a snowflakes hope in hell he gets to do it to my beautiful girl.
Kudos to you for a well written piece!
Oh my God!!! this article reflects perfectly how I felt. I’m an only child, so is my dad. He selfish, egocentric, and self-centred man, and After multiple disappointments, in my teenager years, I said, No, F@#% IT!!!, And since then, I’ve kept my distance from him. He’s not my Dad, he’s just my progenitor.
Oh my goodness I can so relate to this story as I have a crappy Dad and where my sister just keeps forgiving him for how horrible he treated us growing up, I refuse to forgive and forget. My family often comment about the relationship with my dad, trying to guilt me into changing my mind and let him back in but I am over making excuses for the way I was treated and deserve so much than he can ever offer me. Thank you so much for sharing, it is comforting to know there are others out there that understand.
I feel as though you wrote my feelings and read my mind. My father is on to wife number 3, had my brother and I with wife number 1, and my 2 sisters with wife number 2. We have always had a rough relationship, ( he’s very cold and disconnected) I blame it on his childhood I almost feel sorry and pity him.
It’s been about a year since we spoke, he never RSVP to my wedding, I texted (which was probably not the best way to go, but who wants to deal with awkward silence) him to find out if he was coming. He told me he would be at the church ( it was the beach, never a church). I decided I was going to have my brother walk me down the isle, something I said I wouldn’t do. I wanted that so bad, I deserved that moment to be given away. My father caught wind and didn’t come to my wedding, no call no text no nothing!
I loved the moment I had with my brother, I felt amazing that day. Everyone that meant anything to me was there so share my day. He missed out, I didn’t shed a tear ( my makeup was fabulous) it was his loss. He won’t ever have that day or that moment but I will and it was perfect.
My wedding was the nail in the coffin so to speak, It was hard at first but it got a little easier every month. My tears have stopped my heart isn’t heavy and I’m much happier to just let it go, it was his choice, he has to live with it.
Thank you for sharing! I really needed to read those words. you see 6 months ago I stopped talking to my mom. I have had so many moments of guilt and fear that God wouldn’t understand. I pray nightly that he does!
from one survivor to another, hugs 🙂
Wow parts of this were like you could see inside how I feel although I was lucky in respect to only ever waiting inside my own home.
My biological father is manipulative and verbally abusive and it took becoming a mum before I stood up for myself and refused to allow him to treat my children the same way.
I had the best step dad ever who loved me and was always there for me but died 4 years ago and it broke my heart.
Having a crappy dad has taught me not to be a cap one myself!
Thank you for this article. I relate to this so much- I am a single mom and my kids have gone and still go through this with their ‘dad’
Broken promises, no calls, seeing him maybe 2x a year. It makes me cry every time I see my sons reaction. But I love them enough for 10 dads. Their stepdad loves them as his own. And my dad lives for them. That’s what a parent is.
My wife showed me this article when I got home from work and I had to see the comments also and I have share a lot of everyone’s experiences my dad left when I was 2 my mom was left a single parent of me and my older sister she ended up with a money hungry abusive dick who never hurt her or my sister but always managed to hit me put me up the wall or more when she finally left him she got very very ill and begged my dad to come over and make dinner for is (I was 7 my sister was 9) he came over with a can of soup or when we went to visit he got mad and punched me out his front door (I was 10) or left me on a curb in a fully asthmatic fit and said F you but as everyone who shared there stories we struggled on all the while my mom was fighting cancer so my sister was my mom as well but I grew up and mistakes happen I have an ex wife and a child with her I call my son anytime his mom let’s me and I try and Skype but she doesn’t really let me (were states apart) so I strive to be nothing like my dad and have the support of my loving wife who doesn’t push me to talk to my dad or try and have a relationship with him I watch how he let’s down my older sister all the time and I do get angry but for different reasons then most he makes my sister cry who was also my side mom when my mom was sick so I’m very aggressive to people who hurt the ones I love but now that my life has finally settled down my mom beat cancer I have 3 beautiful kids and a loving wife so to anyone who is still struggling with a bad parent no parents just hang in there god/life always has a plan and it might take some time and it might be a long hard road but keep your chin up it will get better and you will find that shining star at the end of the dark tunnel
Thank you so very much for writing this. I also have a crappy dad.
My father was a meth addict and dealer for quite a bug chunk of my childhood. He even served time in prison because he was caught. We had CPS called on us several times and each time they talked to me, I had to lie so I wouldn’t be taken away from my mother and my siblings. I’m the oldest of three and I knew if we were placed in foster care that we would be split up and most likely would have a harder life. I cut ties with my dad a few months after finding out I was pregnant with my second child. I was going through a lot at the time but knew it had to be done for my happiness and my children’s happiness.
My mother left my father when I was three. It was hard but she made me feel safe and loved. She dated a lot of losers and any time I wanted to call my mom would let me call my dad, and I could arrange to visit him… but I never GOT a call from him. He never ASKED to visit me. When I would plan something he was always either late or had to cancel. When I was 16 he told me he was purposely staying out of my life so I wouldn’t feel torn, and i bought it… till it was more of the same, I always have to reach out to him, I always have to GO to him. Once he let me live with him for a few months while my husband was in Iraq and i thought it would be a turning point… but it wasn’t. I’m now 27 and have my own kids and if my husband had custody I’d call every day to say good night and ask about their day. I’d visit every chance I got and ask them all the time if they want to visit, so I don’t understand it, but as much as I feel my little sister needs this article I had to PM it to her, because posting it would only hurt him and embarrass him and I’ve grown to the point where it’s bad enough him being a bad dad, I don’t have to be a bad daughter too. He’s not going to change, he’s said he would too many times and hasn’t. Every time i try to reach out to him my husband rolls his eyes and bites his lip but it’s who I am, I will never forget but to me it’s become important to forgive…. every time, with only a little vented anger.
This is awesome, I needed to read this. Thank you for writing this. A lot of people need articles like this.
Good grief I can relate to this. Except I did get married to an amazing man and now have three beautiful babies! I still struggle with the “their problems are their problems” but I have gotten better just over this last year I finally said ENOUGH. Thank you for posting!
True love is only found in Jesus and only him can teach men how to love one another. Sincerely someone who found Jesus.
First of all I have to say that you should be incredibly proud of yourself, for writing such an open, frank and moving article. In my case I was extremely fortunate to have great dad, but always struggled to have any kind of a relationship with my mum and sister, which still continues. I will never forget the wise words from my first ever Therapist… “They (whoever they are, dad, mum, sister, friend etc) make their own choices, if that choice happens to hurt you, you need to accept that they are adults, nothing you can ever do can change what kind of person they are, be that good or bad” Just because you happen to be related to someone doesn’t mean you are bound to accept their poor choices, it’s their loss at the end of the day. It took me years to truly accept this, the inner child in me still craving the unconditional love I should have been entitled to from a mother and sister, but like you I was saved by the true love & support of friends. I am a mum now, and I have to admit I struggled a lot during the early years of my sons life, feeling constantly overwhelmed & stressed (much of which I put down to a lack of nurturing from my mum) but now my son is 10yrs old, and I could not love him any more, he is so funny & full of life, when he tells me he loves me my heart just melts and I am so thankful for the strong bond between us. I hope my little tale has the same effect on you as your experiences had one me, much love xx
James loves you very much!
Wow … Having them say they love you but knowing it means “I love me more” was powerful. It totally sums up my relationship with my dad. He was abusive to my mother, he abused drugs and alcohol and was/is constantly looking for something to complete him. Just last month (after 38 years) I reached my threshold. I am expecting and I don’t have time to be a parental child anymore. I gave him his walking papers and he knows what he needs to do get back into my life. I can’t invest this much time and energy into a person who doesn’t invest in me. Thanks for a great article that reminds me of why I am putting my foot down. It’s self preservation …
Yes i can relate to having a crappy Dad..who preferred to put himself & his many women he had affairs with whilst marrried to my mum before myself & my younger sister who also fiercely protected..didnt stop me loving him & wanting him to change..he never did..although hes since passed on..it finally dawned on me years ago that i too find it hard to let my barriers down and am constantly protecting myself from being hurt..disapointed..rejected..feeling unworthy..just wanting to find my soulmate after my failed marriage..even now after finding a lovely man am constantly looking out/expecting him to let me down..be unfaithful or hurt me..i sometimes feel i can not allow myself to “give” my true self completely..even though i would love to marry this man i think even he senses this..
I have pretty crappy parents, not in the same way you describe them, I never had to wait around for them to pick me up, they just weren’t around to begin with. I guess in that sense, they couldn’t let me down by not showing up. For me the best thing was to cut the cord and let go and I feel so much better for it. I still have contact with my mother, but it hasn’t been great in a long time and it will never be the same as the brief moment we actually had a good relationship. With my Dad, I have cut all contact once and for all. It took me a good 35years to forgive and forgive and forgive and to keep trying (especially with my dad) until I had to turn my energy towards my own family and make sure that I’m the best mother I can be, despite having the parents I do.
My story contains a lot of pain. Verbal and not only abuse and misserable and full of tears days which became years, my best years. My mum, unable to protect us, she stated in this wedding. I will never forgive her weakness to protect us, to throw him out of our lives. I will never forgive her for her weakness to protect my brother and now he is not alive any more. However, as you, I manage to find, even now that I’m 42, a DAD who is also my best friend, my mentor, my advisor. We discuss everything and we laugh together. For the very first time in my life, I know that I have a DAD, word which I never felt the real meaning before. Perhaps, took me all these years and also I managed to find him in a foreign country but he is more mine than any one else I had in my life until now. THANK YOU HUGH!!!!
I couldn’t believe how similar your life with your father was, to the life of my two daughters…and continues to be. Although I didn’t divorce their father until well after they were on their own. And, this was after much persuasion by them, to leave and divorce this man, or should I say, person! It breaks my heart to see how he had treated and continues to treat my/our daughters. This is even after all of the times he’s said how important his family is to him and how much love he had for all of us….He was and continues to be one of the most selfish individuals I’ve ever had the displeasure of knowing. Despite the lack of a good father role model, they have turned out to be beautiful mothers and truly, good people! I am so proud of who they’ve become! I must have done something right throughout their lives….I had little to no help from their father. I believe they’ve become even stronger women because of their father….not because he taught them anything good, but they did learn how they didn’t want to be treated by any other man that would come into their life!! They’ve become very wise to their father…and do not believe anything he says or does. As I said before, I am very proud of who they’ve become, and I am so grateful that I had a part in that!!! A really BIG part in that!!
Congratulations to you too! It sounds like you’ve learned how to become a strong woman too!!
Good thoughts! My children’s dad is pretty Mich non existent in there lives anymore. It is completely heart wrenching to see this on a daily basis. I try my hardest every day to be everything they need. They now have a man in their lives who has stepped up to be a role model for them and a good man to me. Although they fight it sometimes, probably due to the lack of trust and male authority they have been lacking I’m sure, but I have faith with time they in the long run will figure all the great points you figured out in your adult life with this as well.
This was a great read and really touched home with me as I too have a crappy father and I have a crappier mother. Father left us when I was 4 and last time I saw him was 6 until he resurfaced when I was 25. Mom was abusive, selfish, neglectful and mentally ill. Both were major alcohol and drug abusers. I married someone who has an amazing family and I have close childhood friends with families that have always thought of me more than my own “parents”. Besides my children I have no blood relatives that have cared or been there for me or my kids and I’ve spent years trying to show that I cared in hopes to have family with them and that maybe my example would set one but ended up just getting hurt. I’ve grieved and mourned and I’m still learning to cope with it as my efforts only led me to be heartbroken so it’s like I’ve had to re-deal with those feelings but I have made that choice to be done with them all. Blood doesn’t make family, love does. I’m lucky I’ve gotten to choose whom my family is and they’re the best!! I’m truly blessed with the people I do have in my life.
Hi there – thank you so much for writing this article. I’ve grieved for so many years over the man my father is rather than the man I wished he had been. Your words reverberated with me and I am grateful to you for sharing this.
I’m married to a man who I’m pretty sure his grown children feel this way about sometimes. We have a toddler together who is his world, and I know it sometimes makes them jealous. He has let me down sometimes, but because we live together and pick up each other’s slack, he has not let her down. For his older children, I wish that he could’ve had his shit together back then, and that when he tries to make things go right now he could get past his shame and his feelings and have it all be about them…but there is some ego left in him that if he doesn’t feel presentable, he’ll cancel on his 21 year old daughter. Being a compassionate and generally emotionally intelligent person, I can feel her heart crushing again…he wasn’t there when she was growing up, her mother and him divorced before she was born and her mother didn’t allow him to see her, but that’s not an excuse now…I had a wonderful, responsible, get down on the floor and play with you kind of dad, and that’s what I want for my child…and that’s what I wish he could give to his grown children now that he’s not doing drugs anymore. It’s hard to repair what was broken without some selflessness.