Most of the time my kids are awesome, but molding adolescents into responsible adults can be a challenge that will test the patience of a saint. After a long week at the office, running errands, acting as family chauffeur and short order cook, I want nothing more than to kick back and have a nice glass of wine. But there are ten things my kids do that set me off faster than a dog can lick a dish.
10 things that’ll flip my switch and have me jumping off the couch, wine violently sloshing at the lip of my glass…
1). If you can’t find what you’re looking for then you probably didn’t look. Since when did the term “Mom” become synonymous with “finder of lost things.” Did the former strength of my kegels migrate north, banding together to become x-ray vision? Are my stretch marks built in antennaes? No. I know where your shiz is because of the fifty thousand times a week I pick up after you. If you did the same you’d be able to find your missing shoe/remote control/car keys/library book. Don’t make me spill my wine finding it for you. Especially when what you’re looking for is exactly where it belongs.
2). Fighting over who’s turn it is to feed the dogs. Are you kidding me? After all the tears, the bargaining, and promising “mom, you’ll never, ever, ever have to lift a finger if we get a dog,” you’re going to let the poor animals starve out of sheer stubbornness? Not on my watch you won’t. You’d better pray I don’t spill my wine.
3). This is not horseshoes. You only get points if your clothes actually land in the hamper. Don’t make me waste wine while I’m picking up laundry that’s beside the basket.
4). There is nothing wrong with cereal for dinner. It is not child abuse. Or torture. If you actually ate what I cooked I might not be so bitter about cooking. Don’t make me break out the wooden spoon. I might spill my wine.
5). Unless your name is Snooki and we live on Jersey Shore, don’t even try leaving the house with that much make-up on. I will chase you down the street. I don’t care how much wine I spill.
6). It’s 10:30 on a Saturday night. There’s only one reason you to want to go to Janie’s house this late–you’re up to trouble. No, you cannot walk and no I will not drive you. Automobile cup holders aren’t made for wine glasses.
7). Do not lie to me. Like any good attorney, a mom will never ask a question she doesn’t already know the answer to. No amount of Axe body spray can disguise the stench of recess on a 98 degree Texas day. Especially not on a ten year old boy. Nice try. Now let me cleanse my nasal cavity inhaling fermented grapes.
8). Boogers belong in a tissue, not on your bedroom wall. Here’s a Lysol wipe. Allow me to sip my wine while I supervise you cleaning.
9). When I call/text and you don’t answer, I assume your body’s been left for dead on the side of the road. When I find out you didn’t answer because your battery is dead…somebody better grab me a sippy before I lose my shiz.
10). When you’re grounded, I’m grounded. In that case, forget the glass. I’m drinking straight from the bottle.
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