Moms Who Breastfeed: Please Stop.

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This might be a personal missive, I’m not sure yet, so before you get your pitchforks and torches out, know that I’m writing this with love…and mostly to my two breastfeeding sister-in-laws. Look, ladies (gives SIL’s a stern look), I love that you breastfeed. I am all for you popping those big ol’ mama jamas out in public whenever you want. Hell, if I could get away with popping MY big ol’ mama jamas out in public, I’d TOTES DO IT. I am 100% team breastfeed (or bottle feed, whatever is best for you and baby). This is NOT a post about that. No. This is a post about all the weirdo things you (again, gives her SIL’s a look) do that are so gross that I can’t even. I. Can’t. Even. So, moms who breastfeed: please stop doing the following five things

Breastfeeding Moms Please, Stop.

Moms Who Breastfeed: Please Stop.

1. Drinking your own breastmilk – I know you say it tastes good, and you can quote a bazillion statistics why drinking cow milk is worse…but I’ve never had a conversation with that cow. I don’t have to think about her bodily fluids sloshing over my tongue and wonder if her baby is giving me a dirty look because it doesn’t like me, or if it knows I’m drinking it’s food supply…

2. Eating breastmilk popsicles – Again, pretty much same as above. And before you say it’s natural, organic, healthy…so is sperm. But I can’t – I CAN’T imagine people eating spermsicles, either.

3. Breastmilk coffee – Moms. Why are you ruining literally my favorite thing in the world? Do you know that now every single time I come to your houses, I bring my own? I shouldn’t have to say this, but please stop trying to get me to taste you.

4. Human cheese – It’s a thing. I looked it up. And whilst I don’t think anyone I know has attempted making it yet, I’m keeping a wary eye on the buffet table at family get-togethers all the same.

5. Squirting me – This one really is aimed squarely at my SIL’s. Your breastmilk is not a weapon. That look of horror on my face is real. Let’s just make a pact right now: you stop threatening to squirt me with boob-juice, I won’t pee on you. Fair enough?

pregnant woman

So, ultimately these are all problems with me and I get that. And you certainly don’t have to stop doing any of that, but just know that the barfing noises I’m making under my breath as you tell me about your breastcapades are not me dismissing your right to feed, but rather me being grossed out by human fluids in general.

Seriously, if you want to run around a field buck-naked, squirting milk at each other while singing “We Are The Champions” at the top of your lungs, go for it. But don’t be offended when I don’t trust the queso you bring to family dinners…

Also, I know you probably think I’m crazy and that none of this is a thing. But it is. IT. IS. Here’s just one site about alternate uses for breast milk of about a million…

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  1. Haha.. the consuming of human milk/by products by me does seem gross, I don’t know why, maybe because it’s baby food… but I totally used to squirt my little sister!!!

  2. Yeah, this is pretty insulting and ridiculous. The comparison to sperm and urine? And who threatens to squirt their milk? Enough people that you felt you needed to write an article?

    I’ve never been one to consume my own breastmilk. But I certainly shouldn’t judge anyone that did? I mean why in God’s name does it make any sense to drink milk from a cow? But NOT FROM OUR OWN SPECIES? If anything is gross, it’s the former.

    Why not use your platform to share solely positivity? It’s a gift to have influence….why waste it on nonsense? And then reply to people condesecendingly?

  3. This is really useless in my opinion – I do not know a single breastfeeding mom who does any of those things and I know many (I am in Europe though).

  4. I am a breastfeeding mother of 6 and while I personally have never consumed my own breast milk, I am not against it. But I would NEVER force it upon people or honestly even ask anyone to try it other than my child! LOL The squirting thing I think is hilarious though! Haha but it is mostly because I squirt my husband in the shower ALL the time!!! They are two water guns attached to me and they are always locked and loaded!!! Husband beware!
    ? I would just be happy that your sisters in law feel so close to you! I wish I was close enough to even my own sister to squirt her!

  5. Your entitled to your opinion but it’s really messed up that you compare a baby’s food source to sperm and piss. That’s disgusting. And thanks for renewing bad stigma and lack of support/encouragement for public breastfeeding.

  6. Comparing breastmilk to sperm & urine…what a sad and nasty human you are, I pity your children, they really have no hope with a mindset like this raising them 🙁

    1. Breastmilk IS like sperm and urine. Sperm and breastmilk specifically are similar because they are both produced using digested peptides, proteins, and sugars and stored in their respective glands until such time as they are needed. Although, technically I’m using the colloquialism of interchanging the words semen and sperm and should have said semen instead of sperm since semen is technically what I meant. Though urine is a waste product rather than a production, it is still a bodily fluid which can be squirted from the human body (thus the comparison).

      As for my children, there is no need to pity as I have none. Mine are all four-legged, furry, and think I’m the bomb.

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting! I hope you have a wonderful day and come back again anytime!

      1. And… Science wins, BAHAHAHAHAHA!

  7. I recommend you aquire some breastmilk & start sipping…. It really is wonderful stuff & it just might help with your brain dead writing

    1. That’s okay! I’ll just take a few more writing classes and that should help. Thanks for the suggestion and comment! Come on by anytime!

  8. It’s just milk. Like cows, or goats or sheep’s, or even yaks milk.
    You know, food. For babies.
    Would you pee on someone who squirted their pumpkin spiced latte at you?

    1. I’d probably call 911 for them on account pumpkin spice latte shouldn’t be coming out of nipples and I’d be worried about what horrifying condition caused that!

  9. This is ridiculous. Breastfeeding moms do NONE of these things.

    1. I’d be so happy if you could tell that to my two currently breast feeding SIL’s…’cause they didn’t get the memo. Also, even though I have no desire to taste breastmilk, the popsicles are actually a really smart idea for teething breastfeeding babies. Thanks for stopping by!

  10. Seriously? This article is ridiculous. You’re creepy. Don’t tell moms what they should or shouldn’t be doing with their own breastmilk. Grow up and mind your own d@$n business!

    1. Aww! Technically I said they can do whatever the heck they want with it. I just gave the caveat that if I get hit with flying milk I reserve the right to pee on the person who hits me. I feel that’s fair enough warning. Thanks for stopping by!

    1. LOL! I think my SIL’s just like to mess with me. Still, these Are things and people crack me up so I like writing about intriguing things. 🙂

  11. Eww…Do women really do those things?
    I breastfed 3 of my 5 kids (the adopted kids didn’t get breastfed, end of story!), and never once did any of that ever cross my mind as appropriate behavior. Really people? Grow up. Breast milk is for babies. Period.
    I don’t think breast shaming is right either. When a baby wants to eat, let them eat. I’ve lived in other countries, and the U.S. is the only place with breast feeding hang ups. Maybe they were potty trained too late?? ?

    1. I’ve seen posts about all these things being done, and I know my SIL’s have done a few, but in spite of the post I don’t judge. LOL! I just thought it was funny once I started thinking about it and thought other people might get a giggle, too. Plus, my SIL’s have a great senses of humor so I figured they’d love reading about their antics. LOL!

    2. Also, you’re right about the breast hangups! I lived in Mexico and women there routinely fed their five-year-olds. I think we have a lot of hangups about a lot of things. And since they all make me giggle, I write about them. Sometimes people take it well, sometimes they don’t.

  12. have to ask…what do you think about eating the placenta? mothers are doing that now.

    1. I KNOW!!! I can’t handle that, either. Basically I’m super ooked out by the consumption of bodily stuffs. LOL! And my SIL’s know this…which is why they torture me. *grin*

      1. I thought this was hilarious. I breasted my kids and I’m a breast-feeding peer counselor. It’s clear you are not against breast feeding just finding humor in your situation.

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