What It’s Like To Be The Odd Mom Out
I don’t know what it is about me, but other moms just don’t like me, or at least they don’t want to talk to me at the bus stop. It might be the area I’m in. Maybe it’s because I look really young (to be fair, I am a young mom). Maybe it’s because I have resting bitch face. It could be because instead of using “kid voice” when I speak to my kids I just talk to them like I talk to everyone else. I don’t know. It’s totally fine, I’ve never been the type of person who needs to fit in, but it can be tricky when you have little eyes watching and wondering why the other moms seem to avoid having to talk to you. This is what it’s like to be the odd mom out.
I will admit that I’m not what you would call a conventional mom. I cringe when I use that term because I feel like no mom really feels like a “conventional mom”, but for lack of a better word, we’re going to use it.
I am a younger mom, and generally just a smaller person, so I tend too look even younger than I actually am. I wear leggings and over sized T-shirts. I love skinny jeans, cardigans, and boots. I have long messy hair that is most likey thrown into what I like to call the “F-it bun” (you all know what i’m talking about). I carry a backpack instead of a diaper bag. I wear winged eyeliner. I know how to use Twitter and Periscope. I know who Fetty Wap is (unfortunately). I talk about Harry Potter with your kids. Most people, when you look at me, would not immediately think “mom”.
But, like any mom knows, being a mom is the most important thing in my life. I hand-make my kids Christmas stockings. I work from home so my kids don’t have to go to daycare. They go to ballet and gymnastics, just like other kids do. I make homemade granola bars. I painstakingly match their tiny little socks and sort out their legos just like any other mom does. I DIYed our “elf on the shelf” because good god, who wants to spend 30 dollars on that creepy little dude? I love my kids, just like other moms do.
So what is it about me that makes other moms so weird about me? It’s in line at school. It’s at piano lessons. I get that I probably get mistaken for the babysitter, or people are judging me, some people are extroverted, or I’m just intimidating.
But, what REALLY irks me, is that I’ve tried making conversation with these women at the bus stop more than once. They’re polite and they answer, but there is always an underlying feeling of unease, like they’re wondering why I’m talking to them and they’re just waiting for me to usher my kid onto the bus and go home. It’s a little bothersome that I know your children’s birthdays and you don’t even want to know my name. Meh. It’s more effort to make conversation with these women who obviously have no interest in including me in their conversation than I’m willing to put in.
To be fair, the last thing I want to do is talk about mom probs at 7am. I have nothing in common with these women, and in a life without children, we probably would not be friends. BUT- these are the mothers of the kids that hang out in my yard with my daughter after school. It’s almost as if I feel the need to let them know that, I too, am a normal mother, so that they won’t feel weird about their children playing with my children. So far it’s been fine, but there are other issues that are more worrisome than just not being courted by the mom cliques.
If you think your kids don’t notice that three moms are all grouped together and you are standing by yourself- you’re wrong. They definitely notice when these women are together and obviously gossiping about you. Yes, this happens on occasion. Yes, I always look to see if myself or my kids are wearing something weird. My kids are all well groomed and wearing clean clothes that fit. Did I forget to wear a bra? Is my hair crazy? Nope. They’re just rude.
“Mom, how come the other moms don’t talk to you?”
OUCH.
You would think that, as moms, we would try to include each other in polite conversation, after all, we all have something in common. Especially being stay-at-home moms and not getting very much adult interaction, but no. So when these questions are asked by my 8 year old, instead of getting mad and yelling “BECAUSE THEY’RE JUST TOO COOL FOR YOUR OLD MOM” or “I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO THOSE BORING OLD BITTIES ANYWAYS!” , I try to spin it into a lesson, because, honestly, what else am I supposed to do? Let her see me get worked up over these bratty ladies?
“It’s okay if they don’t want to talk to me- they’re just talking to each other. They’re not doing anything wrong”
“But you try and talk to them, but they never try and talk to you.”
“Do you think that what they’re doing is very nice?”
“No.”
“What do you think is the right thing to do?”
“Try and talk to you so you don’t feel left out”
“What if they just don’t like me?”
“They should still be nice.”
“It’s okay if they don’t want to talk to me, but you’re right, the nice thing to do would be to try and make friends. We can’t make other people be nice, but we can try to be good examples.”
I halfway hope they can hear me from where they’re standing.
I’ve long since given up trying to strike up conversation with these women. I’ve accepted that there is something about me that just doesn’t sit right with them, and that’s ok. So far their kids still play with mine, and they all play together nicely, so that’s all that really matters. I do have other mom friends who are amazing people, so I know I’m not shunned by the entire mom population. We are just a little more like minded.
So, they can have their bus stop clique.
I’ll be sitting here with my skinny jeans on, writing about them on a blog.
Wanna wear winged liner to your bus stop, too? Check out this tutorial!
So… no to be a stinker, but what about the old, ugly mothers, (like myself) who don’t fit in?? his article made me laugh. It took so long to get through describing how awesome this Mom is….. so if we’re no bathing beauties, and still don’t fit in.. then what!?
I’m with you! As I read the article, I’m thinking, “Well, it can’t be anyone is threatened by my cuteness!” After reading this, I’m thankful I homeschool! However, I certainly don’t fit it, and I can’t even say it’s because I’m old. We have 10 kids, and now with my youngest at 8 and me at 50, more often than not, I get people asking if she is my granddaughter. However, when I was a young thing with kids, it wasn’t really working any better! I don’t know—people are funny, Don’t have an answer to your question!
This is the best thing I’ve read today. I totally agree with you. I’m there every day, just like you. The only thing is I’m almost 40 and have little kids. I am shy but will suck it up and make chit chat. I think I have resting bitch face too. Are people intimidated because we wear clean cloths and eye liner? I would rather have no friends than fake friends. Thanks for the great read. And if we lived near, I would totally be your friend and all the others below that agree.
Some of the comments on here are pretty gross.
I’m with you Kaleigh. I’ll fall in that category of being a “young mom”. I still get carded, people tell me (in a non-joking manner) that I look too young to have a 9 and 7-year-old. There were many years where Mom’s wouldn’t talk to me, do playdates, and it was isolating. I hear you on giving up on the conversation. Although it has gotten better for me, I didn’t want to keep hurting myself mentally by constantly trying only to be rejected.
Owning who you are and showing your kids you have confidence in yourself goes a long way though.
Hi Erin,
I love what you have posted here; once, when trying to explain to my dh how horrible I felt being left out all the time (and suffering anxiety because of it!) he told me that maybe I needed to try harder; well, NO, because, as you stated, I, too, way over being rejected time and time again..now, if I have to pick my kids up and I know there will be cold women there, I just pretend I am in a bubble, I might say hi if I get the right social cues, but I do not go out of my way anymore.
I agree with what you are saying, and at many times living through being left out. At the same time, when does this change? When does it end for this mom you describe? it doesn’t end for that person. This mom most likely will be continued to be left out.
The parents that leave adults out, also show their kids how to exclude others.
The narcissism here is hilarious. Sounds like you are really full of yourself and how “young” and “cool” people perceive you. There are plenty of moms who do the and enjoy the same things as you. Really, like tons of them. Obviously there are plently of special snowflakes here who are in the same sad lonely boat. A bunch Disney princess moms surrounded by ugly stepsister moms commenting and patting each other on the back here. Truth is, you all probably just seem rude in real life.
btw, not a mom, just a bad ass aunt who can tell when people are full of crap.
I don’t care for your comment . If you had kids and were involved like this gal is, then you would understand where she’s coming from. I, for one d know what she has expressed and been through the same thing!
The same thing, LuAnn? Being anti social and admiring yourself in mirror with your winged eyeliner and your “messy bun” that you spent an hour making messy? Typical to accuse people without children to be uncaring. I got plenty of friends who are great, beautiful (inside and out) mothers and they don’t spend their time putting other women down to build themselves up while playing a tiny violin. You both need to check it.
I am the last person you would think of as “cool”
I try to treat everyone around me with respect
But because my taste is different from the women in my town, I am ostracized. Yes, its sad. But true. They stop talking when I get close, ignore me in stores, talk about me behind my back.
I applaud this woman for what she does for her children and still keeping her individuality.
Some people are just high and mighty stuck up, just plain bitchy, and there’s nothing you can do about it , so I say SMILE hold you head high, wear your eyeliner and skinny jeans and be proud of who you are.
THANK YOU. This entire post was nauseatingly narcissistic. I’m a young mom who can say from experience that 99.99% of what you perceive as people judging you is actually you wishing they were judging you so you can feel like a validated snowflake. “…[they] were obviously gossiping about me. LOL.
“I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me.” –Mean Girls
You sound pretty awesome to me. I’m different. I’ll be the one standing along secretly wanting to be included, but also knowing my shy personality will turn people off. Sometimes shyness, translates to uninterested and it takes a special persistent person to break through those walls. I live in a world where my friends live in my iPad and I don’t participate in much social interaction in the outside world. I have a few close friends from childhood that I would hang out with if adult life didn’t place us miles apart in different states. I’m jealous of GNO’s I’ve never had, play dates where I’m not counting the minutes until it’s over. I’m rambling.
I had the same issue two years ago when my Son started at Nursery (he was 3 at the time). I’d smile and say hello to the other Mums and try and strike up conversation, but after a few weeks, I gave up. Then one day, a lady came up to me and spoke to me!
She’s a Muslim lady from Pakistan, her first language is Urdu and she’s not very confident with her English speaking. We sometimes struggle to converse, but we try. We’re very close friends now and she’s very much a ‘love all’ person. She gets upset with all the stuff going on with the world and believes that everyone should be friends with one another, no matter their colour or class.
I say, sod all the stuck up, mean, bitchy parents who are ugly on the inside as well as outside, I am happy in my own company, but it’s nice that I have at least one friend who is nice to everyone!
Aw that’s a nice story! good for you! all it takes is one kindred spirit.
Haha, I’ve kind of given up on liking other moms. Occasionally I’ll meet a cool mom, but it’s pretty rare. I’m super nice to everybody, but I can always tell that I’m the odd mom out. It’s okay though – all their kids like me ;).
It’s like high school, except you have to worry about the other children liking your kid, too. The sad thing is the example the other moms are setting for their children. I understand not everyone can get along but we do not need to make cliques.
Thanks!
I’ve been that mom pretty much my whole phase of motherhood…..which started at age 22…..I have children ranging in age from 25 down to 6….
Just keep being the mother you are supposed to be…and there are some women who never grow past the middle school mindset.
Nowhere do you mention attempting to bring this issue up with a single one of them. You mention your skinny jeans enough for the reader to get the point that you are very satisfied with your physique and imply that perhaps these other mothers are jealous of it. Can we assume mothers of size will not as likely face these shunning issues you perceive?
I think you enjoy blogging and are happy to have this to whine about. If I am wrong, I suggest you take a gamble on one of these so-called clique members, single her out and make a point to get her alone, point-blank ask if there is a problem. THAT or invite them over for lunch. Do something nice and give them every reason to regret past actions.
????
Totally me. I would talk to you. I am not an outgoing person overall but I always try to talk to and include people especially if they seem on the outskirts.
This is awesome. I’m the opposite Fat, Old age 52 with 2 kids 16 and 13 and lesbian (we’ve been married 20 years). We moved within the last 4 years for my job. I face this all the time. I don’t know the reasons. I’d like to think it’s because I’m pretty self-confident and awesome. The most recent incident was a meeting for the 8th grade trip. I was talking to 2 moms whose kids have been in my son’s class since we moved here. I made a comment during the meeting that my older child had gone on the trip, loved it and I’d feel free to share any information. You’d thought I’d threaten to paint the school in rainbow colors and serve nothing but Kale in the cafeteria! They didn’t make eye contact with me for the rest of the meeting and bolted when I tried to meet their gave. These people are so insecure. So if you like me, fine, if you don’t oh well. I don’t get people.
Thank you for this story!
Thanks for sharing that Ann. I’m sorry shit like this happens. You know, sometimes I hate people. lol I don’t even want friends like that….they actually did you a favor. Your style of writing is great- you tell it like it is, with a little humor. Just hold your head up proud. Take care. 🙂
Im the odd mom also. I have 6 kids, all one year apart. I used to be outgoing and take the initiative to talk to people but with 6 kids, let just say most of the time Im in survival mode and counting to 6 all the time making sure I still have all my kids with me. But I dont have much incommin with most of these ladies in this small-ish town of 26,000 people. One, I have 6 kids. No one wants to deal with someone who has 6 kids….the noise, the distractions, and their inability to relate, its just too much for some people. And two, most of the people in this town grew up together, its a “good ole boys club” here for sure, so I am definitely an outsider not growing up here despite the fact Ive lived here for 14 years.
Some people just dont fit in. I do try to be friendly but apparently have 6 kids, if they are friends with youn they eventually “drift” away because it does take patience being friends with a mom of 6 kids, even though my kids are pretty well behaved.
Maybe it’s because you’re saying you have nothing in common with them (which you don’t know) or referring to them as boring old bitties (which I think you mean biddies)….
lol Yes this
I understand, but my situation is a little different. I am an older mom and I work part time. When I went back to work that’s when it all changed. no more phone calls, no more texts to meet up for lunch, “We don’t know when you work”. Just do your best by your kids. Keep your good friends and make new ones. That’s what we would tell our kids. Life is too short to worry about fitting in and mean girls. If they have nothing better to do than to talk about you, then I’d pity the fact that their life is lacking & they have nothing better to do. I justify my life that I am contributing to society when I work (I’m a nurse) and they are contributing to their waist line getting bigger, and to gossip…of which, neither is good.
I get this. I was the young mom when I had my boys(20, 21,and,23). Know we are the blended family, since I’m remarried, 35 with 2 little girls. I have 5 kids so they all assume we get help (we don’t). We get by but we have a small house and don’t have fancy things, but we have what we need. I personally feel I’m shunned because I’m pretty enough. I don’t care how much you make, what you look like, your age, etc but most people do.
Sounds like you think you’re too good for them and in your own words, you wouldn’t be friends with them out of choice… mums can be very intuitive and they are probably picking up on all of that so why would they try to talk to you when you very clearly feel like you’re in a league of your own (in your skinny jeans and with you winged eyeliner and all…)?
I’m exactly the odd mom described yet these moms are never I mean never rude to me but the opposite
Exactly what I was going to say. She admits she doesn’t want to be their friends, and she is much cooler than them in her skinny jeans, eye liner, and resting bitch face. They are probably picking up on it. And, btw, a lot of moms wear skinny jeans and eye liner. Being a young mom doesn’t make you the odd man out, the majority of moms at my kids school are young.
yes it just sound like that,but she probably was analyzing and rethinking why is this happening to her and as a result of that came just how she desribed herself.There are usually a hundred of questions, like” is it my hair,”is it my clothes,my shoes,my voice,what the hell they see or hear on me that stops them to be nice and friendly…It is sad when people make you feel or think bad about yourself!
Thanks for writing this. I felt so shunned this year at my daughter’s new preschool. I just now come as late as possible to drop off and pick up. It sucks. I have no idea why either?
Must be my lack of lulu lemon? Is all I can think?
HA! Me too!! Except where I am from it’s a lack of Lorna Jane!
your probley too pretty for them.
It was always like that for me,when my children were going to school.But it wasn’t because I was too pretty.even their children were stand offish.I donno.
Loved this post. I was never the gossiper so was quickly avoided. The situation worsened when I became a widow at 39. Then, it was like I had a fucking disease. No more invites, accused of being a flirt when talking to dads at t ball practice, etc. it’s now 12 years later but I still feel that I was left out. Thankfully now I don’t give a shit. Thanks again.
I was (am) one of those odd mom out too. Even within my husbands family. They didn’t include me before I had kids and they didn’t include me when I did have kids. I was good enough to be left behind with all of their kids and mine when they went for a walk.
At the local moms and tots playgroup I was left out too. There were a couple dads that would talk to me (not flirtatiously) but I didn’t go there to connect with dads. I stopped going there and instead went and visited with the grandmotherly ladies that often invited me and my “wonderful” kids for coffee. I had four kids close together and it was often only the older grandmother generation that invited us into their homes. My kids were well behaved and the grandmothers always commented and complimented me about my kids and my parenting skills.
I value that time and wisdom I gained by visiting and connecting with those lovely ladies during that time in my life.
My children are in there early twenties now and I still don’t have much of a same age peer group. I enjoy relationships with many people; older, younger,single,married,divorced, people with kids and people without kids – all good people
I am the odd mom out too, but I’d much rather be left alone than to have someone pretend to be interested in me who I have nothing in common with. If my kid asked me why they don’t talk to me I’d just say “we have nothing to talk about”. It’s a normal part of life and I don’t want my kid to think I’m bothered that someone doesn’t like me, they will face that all their life. There is nothing to feel bad about. In the end the only thing that matters to me is my family.
wise mature words!
Its them, they are threatened by your looks, youth, you maybe being to hip for them. Most the time its that you came in a year or two later and they already know eachother well? I was there and still am. I was the young looking, fit, long hair, hip dressing mom. The other moms all knew eachother before I came in. Im 49 now my kids are all teens, twenties im still the young, fit, hip dressing mom. Screw them! lol
I completely understand this – only from the other end of the age spectrum…I’m the old mom. Either way, not nice is simply that; not nice. They don’t know what they’re missing.?