Please Stop Inviting Me To Your Baby Showers
Every time I find out a friend of mine is pregnant, I feel a moment of intense happiness and sheer pain all in the same breath. “Oh my goodness,” I exclaim, the ecstatic feelings winning out. “When are you due?” And then we start gushing together and share in that intimately happy moment of knowing that within the next year, a new human will be in our inner circle and I’ll have a new little one to cuddle on my lap. And then the pain hits: that pain of knowing that I’ll never have that moment. The realization that in six or so months my dear friend is going to want me to go to their baby shower and while I will feel so exceptionally happy for them, there will be a few moments in my car before I walk in where I have to collect myself. Take some deep breaths. Maybe even work through the crying. The truth is, I am SO happy for you and your new little family, but if you could please stop inviting me to your baby showers, that would be such a relief…
I never picture my life like this. When I was younger, a teenager even, I always pictured a huge family. A house on a hill, lace curtains in the kitchen, maybe an old iron stove and six children. I don’t know why six was the magic number, but that’s the number that I had in mind.
And then as I got a little older, it became pretty clear that medical issues were going to make it hard for me to conceive. Then when I finally did become pregnant, a devastating miscarriage left me childless once again. That was so many years ago and I’ve never again seen that magical plus sign show up on a single pregnancy test.
But back to the baby showers, because really, that’s where it all hits home.
Your baby showers are all so beautiful, you should know that. The little duckies, the pink or blue or both balloons everywhere. Baby shower punch, games, all those smiling faces of relatives who can’t wait to show you the perfect little outfit they found for your bundle of happiness. Baby carrots, baby corn, baby this and that – the sheer number of baby-named hor d’oeuvres is overwhelming.
And you. That hugely rounded belly, that glow in your cheeks, the way your eyes sparkle when you start talking about your future baby. It makes me think about what it would have been like for me.
I imagine it like this: I’m at your shower and I’ve got my own little one in my lap. She’s got soft brown hair, droopy eyes, and her breath smells like heaven. I’m stroking that sweet forehead and you’re telling me all about your pregnancy and all the plans you have. “Oh you just wait until she’s here,” I say, pulling my little one even closer. “It gets so much better when she’s actually here.”
Someone wants to come along and hold my baby, but she’s fussy right now. She’s just started teething and, “Sorry, maybe next time,” I say in that mom voice that we all know so well.
We’re all laughing and playing games and at some point she wakes up and is giggly and happy and you and I sit close talking about how our babies are going to grow up together and be best friends.
Only they won’t.
Because my baby dreams never came true.
I know I can adopt. I know I can become a foster mom. At some point in my future I might have a surrogate who carries my baby for me, but for now I have to tell you…sitting in that room surrounded by all those women with all their baby stories…it hurts my heart.
So while I promise to be the best auntie in the world, the best bestie, the best Mary Poppins your child has ever met after he or she is here, please do me the favor of letting me slip out of this one event. It hurts.
And it isn’t fair that it hurts, or that my pain should take away from your happiness, so let’s just not. I’ll bring something fun and quirky for your baby once they are here, but if I don’t show up to your shower know that it isn’t you – it’s me.
We started trying for baby when I was 41. 2 years and 2 miscarriages later we had a baby 2 weeks before my 44th birthday. Conception is a sprint race, no time to look back, I will sentimentalise about the other pregnancies when little one grows up. Don’t give up honey you won’t look back and regret trying. Experts get it wrong. We didn’t do iv because the odds were crazy. I did go to church and pray, ask in Jesus name, and all things can happen. Oh we went for a mountain hike before conceiving dunno if the exercise or mountain air helped. I’ve never been to a baby shower, sounds a little lame
As much as the invites hurt, you’d feel worse if they just shut you out.
Yes. Very much so. This is a damned if you do, damned if you don’t. If they actually know you’re having problems conceiving, they probably don’t want you to feel left out. If they did, you’d be feeling like shit. Just take the invite, respectfully decline, and sit on the sofa with your SO, watching your favorite movies. You don’t have to blast them for your fertility issues. They deserve to be be just as happy as you deserve all the time to wallow. The two don’t have to intersect.
Don’t go, fein sick. I was seeing a fertility doctor when my husbands cousin shower came around, that month there wasn’t a chance in hell I was pregnant, I couldn’t handle I was crying. Don’t get me wrong I had a beautiful gift and I was happy for her, but I was heartbroken that I wasn’t pregnant and couldn’t get pregnant for at least another month. I spoke to my doctor and he said not to go, it wasn’t good for me, he told me to say I had the flu as then she wouldn’t want me there anyway. I felt bad I had to stay away, but I knew I couldn’t be around her and the happy faces, and the other pregnant woman in the family and not break down.
I totally get you! I also thought I would get married and have kids immediately. Well long story short we tried many things for over 10 years. Baby showers are still painful. I love kids, I am a Preschool teacher. Hoping people still understand when I don’t attend. Thank you for this article!
I understand your pain. I feel the same with one exception I do have a beautiful daughter who is 14 now. Never planned for her to be one and only. There also is the pressure to have another which we haven’t. Somehow we are less of a mom or dad because we only have 1 child. I pray for all men and women that desperately want children of their own but for many reasons can’t have them.
I understand completely. I went through many losses and years of infertility. Eventually, I found an answer that helped me have a baby that the doctors had nothing to do with. If someone has not been through it they will never understand the feelings you have. Those that are saying you are mean for stating your feelings obviously have no idea what it feels like.
It is definitely hard to know you can’t have babies – but not celebrating your friends happiness for her is mean. Can you imagine how she feels when you don’t show up to help her celebrate her happiness?
If they are really friends it’s not “mean”. It’s better to gracefully decline than attend and be upset by it. It’s mean for the friend to expect her to show up. I don’t think she should expect people to stop inviting her. They want to include her and it’s up to her to make the choice of attending or not. However, I don’t think that’s what she’s really saying here anyway. I think she is just sharing her feelings about it all.
Very good article about the baby shower invites! Another one that bugs me is people having a baby shower every time they get pregnant! In my day, you only had one for the first pregnancy, then you used what you got for all the rest of your babies! You were genuinely appreciative of the gifts received! This younger generation is a “gimme, gimme, gimme” spoiled bunch! So, is it wrong not to be a part of the second shower? (P.S. If you publish this, please don’t attach my name to it, as my daughter in law is pregnant and will see this)!
I feel like this so often its physically painful to slap that smile on and be supportive. If you can adopt do it!
I am not able to do anything anymore and I am dealing with it. I love kids so much tho .
This made me tear up. I can only hope that one day you get the beautiful baby you deserve. Sending you xo’s and prayers for your own little one. That baby will be so lucky because his/ her mommy wanted them more than anything else.
Thank you for sharing. This could include a snip on wedding showers, too.
People invite you to include you. Just politely decline. It’s not hard. These open letters are ridiculous. Nobody is trying to rub their happiness in your face, and putting limits on and making their happiness is incredibly selfish. It’s really easy. “I’m so sorry, I can’t make it.” You don’t even have to send a gift.
It actually can be hard to decline to go to to a baby shower, especially if it is a person we feel close to. Maybe not for you, but for some.
That’s not at all what she is saying! Finding out the you physically can’t have kids when that’s all you’ve ever dreamed of is hard. This letter was probably really hard for her to write. She never acted like anyone was trying to hurt her, but just know that this is something you can and will never have, it’s kind of difficult to be supportive. I know the struggle of this! It’s next to impossible to tell someone you are really close to that you can come, would hurt them!
Exactly! Pretty sure they didn’t get pregnant just to rub it in her face.
What is best for the Mom to be and those can not, is ‘honesty’ express to your friends your feelings rather than accepting and going but not feeling well, something that is not good for you neither for the mom to be. Create a new circle of Moms that ‘don’t go to a bb shower’ not because don’t want but because there is reality going to the less painful ‘better ways’. It could be interpret your ‘don’t invite me more’ attitude of selfishness and since you say as happy you are seen your friends bless with a life you are asking too much of your personal feeling and not the happiness of her BB shower.
I just wanted to say that reading your article was all too familiar to me. I also remember the thinking “I know I can adopt. I know I can become a foster mom.” I thought that for years. Then one day that’s exactly what I did. I figured why I’m waiting for God to give me my own children, I can open up my home to a foster child. My husband and I had our license for 4 days before we got our first placement. (That’s because it was over a 3 day weekend and the office was closed) We took in a 6 month baby boy and 6 months later his newborn sister. We ended up adopting them both of them. They are the greatest blessings in our lives. They are now 5 and 6 yrs old. My husband and I never conceived any biological children but that doesn’t matter to us. Adoption cost was always a concern in the past, but at least here in WA state it doesn’t cost a thing to adopt a foster child.
Thanks for the lovely article. I know what you mean. I’ve had 7 miscarriages whilst trying to make a family. I do have 3 living children but there were many times I thought I would only have 1 child. It really hurt my heart seeing people fly past me with their beautiful babies. It’s not that I ever wanted their baby. I was grieving all of my babies that had died. It’s not that I was jealous or mean spirited. It’s that I was sad and worried that it wasn’t going to work out well for me. Some of my friends actually did stop inviting me to baby showers and then I felt like I was losing friends (I thought….oh no….have I offended them or done something awful). I ended up being able to say to them…..”please invite me to your baby shower but please understand if I’m having a bad day and I can’t make it and please understand if I get teary sometimes”. I think people understood. I remember going to play group once (I really didn’t want to go as there was a new baby and I should have had my baby)……the mumma placed her baby in my arms and I had a cry but they left me to cuddle and hold this bub for a good hour. It was kind of healing. I hope you are able to create a family one day. I’m still hoping to expand mine. It’s been an awfully hard journey for me (although people wouldn’t know it….all they see are my 3 beautiful kids…..they haven’t always seen me after a miscarriage or a D and C or when I’ve just found out once again….no heart beat, not a viable pregnancy…..time and time again!!!!!). Blessings to you on your hard road. May it get easier!!!
My heart totally goes out to you…..
My story is long….. but maybe out there is someone reading this and will be encouraged by this miracle…
I feel the same about babyshowers….
Here is my reason:
It’s been a few years already….
My precious little girl Megan was born on 3 June 2005 and she passed away on the 7th of June 2005….
I didn’t have any problems during my pregnancy with Megan….She was a healthy baby….
My husband got morning sickness and I even made a joke of it…. Oh my word I was really pregnant….. So the traditional thing is to arrange a baby shower…. But this is what happened and then you will understand why I don’t like baby showers….
During the baby shower…. there were 3 balloons, a blue, a pink and a long one…. the wind was blowing and all the guest were sitting under the trees…. Upon my arrival the pink balloon got loose and got stuck in a thorn tree…. The strangest thing of all is that it didn’t burst at all….. So when the fun and games and opening presents was all done and we got some snacks….. The pink balloon got out of the thorn trees without bursting up into the blue skies…. We all stood amazed…..
So I went to the hospital for a C-Section and my water broke just before I went in for surgery…. The doctor then had to do an emergency c-section on Friday 3 June 2005… All went well and I was a proud mother….. Time to go home (Sunday 5 June)…. As I am still a new mommy I asked my mom to come and lend me a hand….. Everything went well I felt like a pro Mommy!!! Until I woke up one morning on Tuesday 7 June….. I can’t describe the feeling and instinct that goes through a new mommy when you find out there is something wrong with your baby….. She just stopped breathing…. You hear of many people who’s babies suffocate in their blankets…. This wasn’t the case…. She laid between mommy and daddy her face was open….Doctors said she died of SIDS…. there is no explanation…..
I believe that during the baby shower I got a sign…. but was to stupid to notice it!!
The blue balloon represented a boy….. The pink balloon a girl….
So I believe that the pink balloon (a girl Megan) that got stuck in the thorn tree (emergency c-section), without bursting (healthy) flying into the blue skies (passed away)….
I struggled to get pregnant again…. God saw my pain and He granted me a miracle…. My little girl Emily (Second born) is now 8 years old…. I believe God sent me 4 or 5 dreams…..
I started working on a Mine, cause hubby lost his job due to a boss that didn’t want to grant him Family Responsibility Leave during Megan’s funeral….
So the first dream I had was that I was pregnant…. I cried a lot cause I couldn’t…. not now that hubby was without work…. I really tried hard not to think about babies at all…. The second dream was I was standing on a heap of chrome with a pregnant belly and I had to quit! I got so emotional and told hubby everything…. The other dreams were all photos of Megan…. BUT never the face all angles except the face…. I still have those photos…. So I resigned after a month without even knowing if I was pregnant or not….
So we went to a party and my brother’s, in-laws cornered me and went on and on and on in regards of getting pregnant and having a baby….
Went home…. feeling extremely sad!! The next morning hubby went to 5 or 6 shops to get a pregnancy test as we had a discussion on when last I had my period… Yeah I was pregnant!!! My mother said if I am unable to take care of my baby she will let the wellfare come and take the baby away from me! So I was scared and with hubby without a work…. WHAT TO DO NEXT???
I tried everything just to forget about babies…The last dream I had was a handwriting in cursive…. “Her name is not Megan, Her name is Emily”
So that is how she got her name….
Let me just mention something…. After Emily was born…. I was PARANOID FOR AT LEAST 1 YEAR AND 6 MONTHS!!! If anybody held her to long I got upset…. I was so scared that it would be the last time I was going to hold her or even see her face…. Thank you God for giving me this beautiful miracle!!!
So the people who went on an on in regards to me not having a baby after I lost my first born….. is now my sister-in-laws family…..
So she is also struggling to have babies after she had twins and the hospital removed one of the wrong twins with some of her womanly parts….
This is my story that I wanted to share with you…. It might not be the same as yours but I also do NOT LIKE baby showers, since Megan’s baby shower I tried to skip every little single one….IT BRINGS BACK MEMORIES that people don’t understand….
Please stop always mentioning adoption. I know adoption is possible in the US but not everyone lives there and where I live the government has made adoption almost impossible. Only a handful of children are adopted each year and that’s generally by existing family members or step parents. I would if I could. I wish more could be done, but please don’t assume every infertile has the option of adoption.
I totally agree, plus I find baby showers incredibly tacky.
Me too! I have friends that have baby showers for EVERY baby. WTH is that about??
While I understand your pain, I think you are wrong to ask them not to invite you to their showers. The responsibility should not be on your friends, but on you. They love you and want you to be a part of your life and their celebration. If the showers are too difficult, you should simply politely decline.
I love what Ashley said above, how she made it clear to her friends to let her know if anything was too much for them since they were dealing with grief over lost babies or inability to conceive.
Being an adoptive mom, I highly recommend it! We have three biological children and one Adopted…no difference in my feelings toward any of them. They are all precious gifts from God. Sometimes one spouse is a little resistant to adoption, but when you start reading about families who adopted and how much happiness it has brought them, that spouse is sometimes then willing to take the plunge. But I will also be honest here and tell you that many, many adopted children have grief of their own to deal with, because in a perfect world a child should be raised by the person who births them. But that’s not always possible due to difficulties in the birthparent’s life. So along come us adoptive parents who are ready to pour love into them, and we just need to be mindful that sometimes it’s hard for an adopted child to fully receive the love because it hurts a bit to think about their original family choosing not to raise them for whatever reason. Getting support to understand why they might act out is very important. In the end it is so worth any difficulty you have to walk through, because you love that child, and they love you as their forever family. I like to tell my son that his heart is big enough to love his original family and also love his adoptive family. The thought of birth parents should not be threatening at all. Just like we moms have room in our hearts for any number of children we are blessed with, so an adoptive child can fully love biological parents and adoptive parents.
Even though I have two children, I still feel this way. I’ve had six miscarriages, some between my two boys and a few after my youngest. Even after tons of doctor visits and tests, we still have no answers as to why. There are too many dates that remind me of the children I should have had. Due dates that never came, the days that I found out I was pregnant, the days that I found out I was losing a child, birthdays that never happened…I keep telling myself time will pass and I will forget and be able to happily attend baby showers or view announcements, but that moment still hasn’t come. I’ve been coping by politely declining all baby showers. I’ve found I can handle giving gifts in a one on one setting because I really am happy for my friends and I really am excited about seeing their new babies, so I just stop by at a later time.
I kinda know how you feel, I had 3 miscarriages and would get so upset with people who could have baby’s with no problem and would abandon there kid for drugs and stupid stuff when they didn’t realize how lucky they where. I then got pregnant again and had my daughter at 26weeks she faight for 75 days in the hospital then came home.. she is now a healthy, happy 10 year old!
I thought I would be okay with just her , I had weight loss surgery and am on my second marriage and my husband now doesn’t have any children of his own… the first time we tried I got pregnant… I am now 11 weeks. I had a precede done to help keep the baby in place and this one should be fine…
I think that having a close relationship with God helps, before my daughter was born I never really had a relationship with him. And also the weight loss surgery, I thought before I got it that I just couldn’t get pregnant any more…. I hadn’t been for 10 years! I guess just being so over weight made me not able to concive…
Anyway, not trying to brag, just trying to give you hope that it can happen.. put your faith in God, he can do miricles! I will pray for you in hopes that you are able to have a healthy baby. Take care and God Bless and don’t give up!.
I can understand feeling this way. I was very reluctant to come out and personally tell a few of my friends about me being pregnant right away because I knew that they were battling some baby scars. One had a miscarriage only 6 months before I became pregnant and the other battles with PCOS issues. I was unsure what I should do but in the end I told them and asked them both to please be honest and let me know if anything was too much for them. They are important to me and I feel like I need to consider their feelings as well. We have hit a couple of rough patches during this pregnancy but I have been there for those just like they have been there for me during my hard spots.
I know this feeling! I had a total hysterectomy the year before I got married, in my late 20’s. I too dreamed of at least 6 kids and being a stay at home Mom. I TRULY am so happy for my friends having babies, but the pictures, tummies, and baby showers kill me. I would never tell them the feeling of looking for outfit and gifts, and then sitting in my car crying my eyes out. Making decorations, and helping at the baby shower, and excusing myself to the bathroom to collect myself.
I never say anything because I don’t want to take away their joy, and I don’t want the consolations, including the end all solution answer, “you can always adopt”. I think adoption is beautiful, but it is not option for my husband and I.
I appreciate someone being so open about this, and feel for all the other childless couples out there. The feeling is real, and they are not alone.
Again thanks for this post <3
You are welcome! And it is such a hard discussion. It’s tough because you want to be invited, but you don’t at the same time. I LOVE my friends and family and I will Always love their many many babies, but it gets so tough going to shower after shower. And while I appreciate the invite, I always feel this obligation to go, even though I know it is going to break my heart.
So it always becomes this horrible struggle, right? Go and be the dark cloud on an otherwise beautiful day, or skip it and be the person who skipped their friend’s shower. There’s just not a good solution. It suck so hard. So. Hard.
I know that as adults we have to face these things, but I wanted to put this out there because I wanted other women to know they aren’t facing them alone. I ‘heart’ you for telling me about what you went through and huge hugs to you and all us other non-mom moms out there.
I was you. But then one day, by some ridiculous struck of good luck, I met the woman who was carrying the baby who would become my child. And I had a baby shower of my own. One with lots of bubbly and without stupid games but one that ushered in my life as a mother. The word adoption got lost somewhere between the hospital and the courthouse.
Now I’m just a mother.
Thank you for that! I am so in love with your story and I can’t wait until the day that it’s mine. Thank you for stopping in and sharing!
I LOVE how you said that the word adoption got lost between the hopsital and courthouse. That is sooooo true!! I was also one who struggled with friends and family having babies, going to showers, just seeing moms with their babies at the mall. So happy for them, but at the same time, crying inside. We tried for nine years, tons of treatments and so on. We decided to adopt, and I’ll tell you it was the best decision ever! As soon as he was placed in my arms, he was MY son, didn’t give it a second thought. We have adopted twice and I think now, if I had been able to get pregnant, I wouldn’t have these amazing boys. These two are our life, and am proud to say they are our sons!