20 Hilariously Real New Year’s Resolutions You Might Actually Keep This Year

Remember when we all made those enthusiastic resolutions for 2023…

The ones that pretty much flew out the window a month or two into the new year?

Losing weight and whipping our bodies into Thor-worthy physiques, maybe eating more healthy and getting that house into a sustainable shape that would require the help of weekly maids?

We had jokes — it was doomed from the start.

Let’s not be quite so unrealistic this year.

Grand plans for starting the new year off right are all fine and dandy — but let’s not set ourselves up to fail from the very start.

Let us say goodbye to the shitstorm that was 2023 with more realistic resolutions.

Greet 2024 with those sarcastic attitudes we’ve all come to know and love since the great debacle that was 2020!

This is going to be the best year ever — here’s hoping!

Start it off right with some resolutions that you are actually going to keep this year.

20 Realistically Hilarious New Year’s Resolutions You Will Keep In 2024

Stop Binge Watching True Crime Documentaries On Netflix Like You Are On A Mission To Solve Them — Maybe Limit Them To One Every OTHER Day.

Stop Obsessively Following The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Like They Are Family — Your Own Family Is Crazy Enough For One Lifetime.

Make A To Do List Of Everything You’re Going To Accomplish Once A Day — And Promptly Burn It.

Stick A Load Of Laundry In The Washing Machine Every Morning — And Actually Get It Into The Dryer Before It Starts To Smell.

Take Down Your Christmas Tree Before January 7th — Or At Least Turn It Into A Valentine’s Tree.

Start Your Christmas Cards For 2024 In January — Maybe You’ll Actually Send Them This Year.

Go Out And Buy A Few New Outfits For The New Year — Make Sure They Have Elastic Waists And Tummy-Hiding Fabrics, And For God’s Sake Don’t Buy Heels.

Spend Hours Making A Wish List On Amazon Instead Of Productively Working — Not That You’ll Ever Buy Any Of It. Lord Knows That None Of Us Have Any Money Left After The 2023 Christmas Season.

Stop Being Socially Awkward — Just Joking!! It’s What Makes You Endearing.

Promptly Unfriend The Next 10 People Who Ask You To Help Them Get Free Stuff From Temu — That Should Take Up About An Hour Of Your Time.

Read More — Turn On Those True Crime Documentary Subtitles.

Stop Buying Kale — You Know It’s Just Going To Go Bad In The Fridge.

Sing More. Sing In The Shower. Sing In The Car. Sing While You’re Doing The Dishes. — Good Gosh, If Paris Hilton Can Make A Record, You Can Sing With Wild Abandon When You’re By Yourself.

Plan A Monthly Girls Night — But Make It A Potluck. Girl, You’re Never Going To Have Time To Make All That Food You Saw On TikTok.

Stop Googling Your Symptoms — It’s Probably Not The Plague. Just Take Some NyQuil And Call It A Day.

Try A New Fast Food Joint — There IS Such A Thing As Too Much Chick-fil-A.

Be A Practicing Participant In Every Single Taco Tuesday — After All, Tacos.

Actually Make An Appointment With The Dentist This Year — You Don’t Have To Keep It. It’s The Thought That Counts.

Forget Meal Prepping — You Know You Aren’t Going To Actually Want To Take That Meal With You To Work.

Clean The Dishes Off Your Counters Before You Go To Bed — There’s Plenty Of Room In The Sink.