I always made fun of the, “Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” commercial. I was a kid when it first came out and it immediately became a joke around my school, my friends. None of us understood just how serious it was. Again, I was a kid, so don’t judge me on that. I get it now. Actually, I more than get it now…yesterday it happened to me.
I don’t know what happened to cause my hip to go out. All I know is I went to bed like usual, closed my eyes, and started to drift. I tend to sleep on my side, so at some point I went to roll over and then IT happened. “OH MY GOD!” I screamed. The pain was excruciating. A shock of electricity that burned all the way from my hip down to my toes and back up again. The worst pain I’ve felt in my life.
I stopped moving and stared at the ceiling for a moment – contemplating life.
“If I die like this, my dogs are going to eat me,” I thought.
“My family is going to find me in a pair of weirdly stained sleeping pants and the fancy shirt that I didn’t think to take off before I went to bed.”
“I really have to pee right now.”
I tried moving again. “OH HOLY F—” Tears. Immediate tears.
I reached for my phone, but it was just about a foot too far away. “Shit.”
I stared at the ceiling again. I’m going to die like this.
There were no sheets on my bed. I was too tired before I went to bed and the sheets hadn’t been moved from the washer to the dryer yet.
Until I threw out my hip I never felt old. I’m almost 40, but I never felt my age. Is 40 old? It feels old. Today it feels old.
I leaned over, trying to reach for the phone again and another shock of pain stabbed through me. Grasping the phone, I rolled back and panted a little.
A bead of sweat fell down my forehead. I texted my friend, “I’m stuck,” I said.
Eventually, we grabbed a heating pad and a handful of Ibuprofen and I did my best to sleep. In the morning, getting out of bed made me hate my life. A lot. But walking around it helping.
All I’m saying is I never felt old until now. Now, I feel very old. And awful. And I really kind of want one of those ‘Life Alert’ bracelets…
Because falling and not getting up is definitely no joking matter.