21 Funny Tweets In Honor of Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and while many on Twitter are bragging about their romantic plans or lamenting the lack of a date, these fine men and women know what we really want — to be entertained. I’ve compiled 21 thoroughly wacky tweets about love, dating, and massive exasperation guaranteed to make you laugh.
21 Funny Tweets In Honor of Valentine’s Day
[reading about praying mantises]
Wife: Why do the males still want sex if it kills them? I don't understand.
Me: I understand completely.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 30, 2017
Human women don’t murder the males after sex, but every woman understands wanting to kill after a bad joke.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 2, 2017
A master strategist at work.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I'm way ahead of you— PunchyK (@AnkCoupleTO) January 14, 2017
I hope he shared.
I didn't need to be married long to know that I need to make ABSOLUTELY sure my wife is done before throwing away French fries.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) January 7, 2017
Taking a woman’s food — even more dangerous than not sharing.
I wrote 'WILL YOU MARRY ME?' on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
— Steven W Skinner (@SkinnerSteven) April 10, 2015
I hear the prices of balloons are going up. It’s due to inflation.
Happy is the man that buys her chocolate. Sad is the man that buys snack size.
— Jan·da·līze ☆ (@Jandalize) November 7, 2016
Snack size is ONLY for stealing from children at Halloween. Or buying in bulk while telling yourself you’re gonna ration it responsibly and then eating it all by bedtime.
[in bed]
WIFE: do that thing I like
ME: *goes and sleeps on the couch*— rob elliott (@rockymomax) September 29, 2016
Who doesn’t find extra leg room sexy?
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
— WhatserName (@IamEveryDayPpl) April 7, 2016
Solid strategy, sister.
My wife probably tells me that I never listen to her.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 24, 2016
Just make sure you get her full-sized chocolate.
https://twitter.com/ValeeGrrl/status/682055528311308288
Q: If a wrapper crinkles and no one hears it, you still have to share?
A: No. This is the number one reason to learn stealth.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how exhausting is it being married to me?
Wife: 11
OK, you’ll want to dial that up a notch when I show you what I did.— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) December 11, 2014
He threw out your fries.
Women love dedication to a good pun.
Begs the question: did she see it there or does he leave things in the freezer that often?
Me: "Happy Valentine's Day; I made you a mixtape!"
Husband: "It's just 90 minutes of exasperated sighs?"
— Doktor J (@doktorj) February 2, 2017
Aww, it’s their song!
Wow, he is almost too wild.
Perfectly normal. Right?
I like to live on the edge by sliding in a dirty bowl while my wife is still doing the dishes.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) February 26, 2016
Such as the edge of the giant knife his wife is in the middle of cleaning.
DATE: Are you ok?
ME: Fine! All part of the seduction
DATE: But you fell-
ME: Sexily
DATE: & you're bleeding-
ME: Bleeding sensuously Steve.— A Rabbit of Negative Euphoria (@Bexdora) January 22, 2017
Falling down is the new strut.
Relationship status: my cat won't sit still for our selfies.
— Spanky McDutcherson 🔸 (@thatdutchperson) July 29, 2014
Cats are terrible photographers.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they'll whisper the secret to apple butter.— SondraDee (@SondraDeeMe) July 19, 2013
Give a woman apple butter, it’ll be a nice snack. Teach a woman how to make apple butter, and she’ll keep coming back to steal your recipes. She’ll never make them, but she’ll be the new queen of Pinterest.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue's Clues and Clifford had puppies they'd be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
— The Dad (@thedad) January 24, 2017
Always the right answer.
